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31.10.14 0009
The W - Guest Columns - LotR Satire: RotKotR (Part 4 of 6)
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Excalibur05
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Since: 19.1.02
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The Lord of the Reign: The Return of the King of the Ring
Part III, Chapter Seven
ďIn Which Some People Finally Grow Some Backboneď

The next morning, Heyman pulls Stacy aside as the men pack up their bags.

Heyman: Stacy, if I donít come back, youíll be the General Manager of Smackdown.
Stacy: UhÖDo I have to do anything?
Heyman: No. Smackdown is an awful show. Just try to look as pretty as possible, and maybe people will tune in to watch two hours of your ass.
Stacy: I can do that.
Heyman: Good.
Stacy: Can I come along? I bet I could spin kick some guys!

Heyman walks over and gives Stacy a hug.

Heyman: Oh, my darling Stacy, I only wish you werenít so dumb. Good bye, and good luck. Hopefully, youíll see the day when wrestling returns to the popularity it deserves. Until then, donít cry for Uncle Paul.

Tazz, Orton and Jericho stand outside the dilapidated armory.

Tazz: Brotha, who the hell would wrestle in a place like this.
Jericho: Old men. And Christopher Daniels.
Orton: My dad said that this club was for people who were supposed to help Sting start his own promotion to fight Vince McMahonís sinful immorality. But then they all backed out at the last minute, leaving poor Sting to turn to the horror that was WCW. So Sting called them all out, and, embarrassed that they didnít live up to their contract, they all holed themselves up in here, too sad and scared to come out.
Tazz: Brotha, did you just read that off of a bunch of note cards?
Orton: Hooked on Phonics worked for I! UhÖI think the door is locked. And made out of little bready things.
Jericho: Crutons.
Orton: No need to swear!
Jericho: This place smells like my grandma. Letís hope it doesnít try to kiss us.

Jericho opens the door and marches into the armory. Orton continues to try to open the cruton until Tazz pulls him along.

Tazz: I hope they donít hate announcers in here, brotha.

Back in the camp, everyone is packed up and ready to leave.

Cena: Maybe the men would be more psyched if I gave another battle rap.
Heyman: I think youíve rapped at them just the right amount of times, John. Tell them to wear their gear on the bus, weíve got to be ready to do our big run-in as soon as we get there. You! Weíre not bringing any womenís wrestlers. We canít afford seats for cannon fodder.
Chavo: Iím no girl, Iím Chavo Guerrero Jr. Heir to the Guerrero family wrestling legacy, holmes!
Heyman: Youíre wearing a dress.
Chavo: Stacy designed my ring gear. It wasnít my idea, I swear, esse vato!
Heyman: Stay here and help wash the dishes, maíam. I know you want to help us, but us big strong men need to go do our business.
Chavo: I have a beard!
Heyman: I didnít say that I thought you were attractive. Letís move out, men! On the bus!
Stacy: Psst! Chavo!
Chavo: Stacy! You stole Paul Londonís rental car! Thatís my kind of mamacita!
Stacy: Hop in. Weíll spin kick out team to victory.

The buses and rental cars start the drive to San Diego. Meanwhile Chris Jericho has entered the sacred inner sanctum of the Cauliflower Alley Club Armory.

Bobby Heenan: And just who are these ham and eggers?
Jericho: Iím here to collect on a contract.
Heenan: We donít take kindly to you young humanoids coming in here and messing with our stuff.
Jericho: Well youíll take kindly to me, or else!

Jericho pulls out Stingís Bat and pounds on the table in front of him, rustling a pile of dust causing the cobweb-covered superstars around him to wheeze and cough.

Heenan: I donít think you understand. We donít cop to your threats.

The men rustle and stand. Orton tries an RKO, but Lou Thesz grabs him in a half nelson and stretches him out.

Iron Sheik: HachPtooie!
Orton: Haha! You canít spit on me! Not with my helmet on!
Jericho: You will all serve me! Or you will never, Eeeeeeeever be heard from Agayn!
Heenan: Who are you to talk to us legends like that?
Orton: Did somebody say-
Tazz: Not now, Randy.
Jericho: I am the heir of Sting. Behold, I have his bat!
Heenan: That canít be his bat. His bat was broken.
Jericho: It has been glued back together! You owe Sting. Now you owe me. Fight for me and take your spot in history. Again.
Tazz: Brotha, I donít think a bunch of old dudes is really going to help.
Jericho: Think about it. How many wrestling fans out there, old school fans, donít want to see Krusher Kowalski or Stan Hansen beating the crap out of some young punk who doesnít respect the business? Look at Lou over there, he canít wait to try to kill Randy. I bet we could get Bruno Sammartino to come and kick Road Dogg when weíre done. What do you say, Brain? Lead your Family into battle one last time.

Heenan nods thoughtfully. At the arena in San Diego, Scotty 2 Hotty frantically waves his arm while driving Edgeís nearly totaled car.

Scotty: Open the door! Hurry!

Scotty drags Edgeís unconscious corpse into the arena. Just outside the city limits, Rhyno Gores an unsuspecting passerby. Back in the arena, Mick finds his main eventer.

Foley: Edge! What happened? How did that house show go?
Scotty: He canít talk. His car was totaled, he barely survived. Nobody else made it back. Except me, so that I could relay the story.
Foley: What happened to Gregory Helms, Intrepid Reporter?
Scotty: He disappeared halfway through the battle.
Hurricane: Never fear! Hurricane is here!
Heyman: Where were you during the battle?
Hurricane: Sorry, I hadÖuhÖthings to do. Hurrithings.

Outside the town, Vinceís army has set up a gigantic screen.

Rhyno: Mr. Dunn? Show the freaking video already!
Kevin Dunn: Okay.

A tribute to the fallen cruiserweights is shown on the screen. It features all the spots theyíd blown over the years and all the times they jobbed to larger, lesser wrestlers.

Foley: Damn them. Damn them to hell! Now who will main-event my show? You Scotty? You Hurricane? I hate this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!
Eddie: Edge is alive, holmes.
Edge: That was a wicked concussion though.
Foley: No Way Out has failed!
Eddie: What are you talking about, esse? He was just selling the attack!
Edge: Yeah, donít be such a crybaby, Mick.
Foley: All will fall before that bastard McMahon. Smackdown isnít coming! Everybody get the hell out of town! Run to AAA! Swim for Japan! American wrestling is Dead! Heyman has betrayed me! Again!

Flair whacks Foley with the broomstick 23 times, knocking Foley down.

Flair: WOO! Everybody prepare for war, itís time to start the Pay Per WOO! Assume your backstage positions, get ready for your matches! Send McMahon to hell!

McMahonís army begins throwing trashcans and stop signs at them, knocking down production people and T-Shirt gunners. Brawling amongst the wrestlers breaks out, though a distinct advantage belongs to McMahonís troops. Eddie walks by and nails Gene Snitski with a standing dropkick. His elation, however, soon turns to fear when he sees the black-hoodied riders driving through town. Scotty 2 Hotty falls to a Bionic Elbow and an Elbow Drop. Hurricane falls to a Tombstone.

Flair: Dammit! Fight back! You hear me? I donít care if they sell! Fight back! Eddie! Go help out! Youíre our biggest draw now!
Eddie: Oh. That sucks.

Tyson Tomko launches himself at Eddie, but he gets a face full of broomstick instead.

Flair: Dammit, Eddie! Pay more attention!

A bloody Tomko gets up and charges Flair from behind, but Eddie trips him and hitís a knee drop.

Flair: Iím going down towards the ring. Eddie, go protect the backstage for now.

Flair breaks into a run, and Eddie turns around and shambles back. Back on Mount Whitney, Chris Benoit and Bret Hart have almost reached the summit.

Benoit: Are we at WrestleMania yet?
Hitman: Almost! I told you it would be a tough journey. Here, in this cave.
Benoit: A cave? That doesnít seem very WrestleManiay.
Hitman: This isnít Wrestlemania, this is just the road to Wrestlemania.
Benoit: I donít know. Itís not even a road.
Hitman: Listen, go in or donít. You donít want to beat McMahon, then you donít have to. I want to beat McMahon.

Benoit walks in.

Benoit: I donít get it. Itís just a smelly old cave.
Hitman: Youíll get it all right.
Benoit: Huh?
Bret: Did you really think you could trick me, Benoit? You would have turned on me just like everybody else. Now, you die, and I get the belt!
Benoit: No! NO! Bret, where are you? What have you done to me? What have I done? Tommy!

Benoit starts to look for the exit, but Bret has sealed it off. He turns and hears a strange noise followed by a gong. With fear in his eyes, Chris Benoit walks deeper into the cave.
Meanwhile, Tommy Dreamer continues his decent, he finds an empty box of WWE Ice Cream. He suddenly and angrily realizes Benoitís fate. With new determination, he storms up the mountain. Benoit continues to stumble through the cave, tripping over rocks, until he comes upon an entrance ramp. He realizes that whatever awaits him wonít fear Chris Benoit, especially in his current state. Mist fills the entryway, as Benoit considers what to do.

Stephanie: Itís the last of our pyro gunpowder. Use it when you need to make a huge entrance.

The mist clears. Benoit lights the pyro.

Benoit: No time like the present.

The first blast of pyro allows Benoit to block a lighting fast kick. Tajiri sends another kick Benoitís way, but heís still blinded by the pyro, so he misses. Benoit takes advantages and slams Shawn Michaelís chair into Tajiriís back, and then he runs through the next blast of pyro while Tajiri recovers. Benoit continues to flee until heís suddenly tripped and handcuffed to a nearby ring on the wall.

Bret: No you donít. youíre not getting away. Youíre no better than McMahon, screwing me out of my belt. But now, the heel turn to end all heel turns, Bret Hart turns on his own countryman and forces him to job to the Japanese Buzzsaw, Yoshiro Tajiri. Master of the Tarantula. He will kick you right in the face, and you will die, and the belt will be mine!

Benoit snaps the handcuffs.

Bret: Oh crap.

Bret and Benoit brawl for a moment as Tajiri rapidly backflips towards them. Bret makes a grab for the belt on Benitís shoulder, but Benoit reverses and nails Bret with a German. Benoit locks in the Crippler Crosface. Bret immediately taps out.

Hitman: AH! I give up! I tap out! Iím sorry, Chris. I donít know what came over me! You deserve the belt more than I ever did. Now let me go! Please!

Benoit releases the hold. Bret pulls him down and Tajiri backflips past. Benoit places his hand on Bretís shoulder.

Benoit: Bret, I know. I know how you feel. McMahon must be removed from power. But the title must be trashed. It isnít for you anymore.
Bret: NO!

Bret dives at Benoit, but Benoit meets him with a snap suplex, tossing him off the mountain entirely and down to the valley below. Benoit collapses in a heap on the cliff.

Benoit: Oh damn. Iím sorry, Tommy. Wherever you are.

Poofy white clouds rush up the mountain, bearing Stephanie McMahon to Benoit.

Benoit: Iím fantasizing about Stephanie? Did I get a concussion?
Stephanie: Does this cloud make my ass look fat?
Benoit: Your ass makes your ass look fat.
Stephanie: How about my boobs?
Benoit: Iíve had just about enough of wife stealing for one lifetime, thanks. Just tell me why youíre here.
Stephanie: Get up and keep walking.
Benoit: Thatís what youíre here to tell me?
Stephanie: Yep.
Benoit: I hate you even more now.

The poofy clouds disperse, and Benoit continues to walk.

The Lord of the Reign: The Return of the King of the Ring
Part III, Chapter Eight
ďIn Which Dreamer and Foley Make Their Marksď

Ric Flair is in the ring, chopping McMahon superstars as Foleyís troops try to gain a foothold at ringside, inside the boiler room, Mick Foley is hugging Edgeís body which is strapped to a stretcher.

Foley: Alas and alack! The end of Mick Foley and Edge!
Edge: Iím fine. Really.
Foley: The world of professional wrestling is doomed!
Edge: Iím not even that good at selling, really.
Foley: Bring me some fire! Iíll have one last deathmatch that will kill us both! BANG BANG!
Edge: All righty then.

Back in the ring, Flair tries to hold the line.

Flair: Keep it up! Theyíre not gonna be able to hold us down! Weíre pushing them back!

Goldberg runs through and Spears several of Foleyís men at once.

Flair: Goldberg? Oh crap. Whyíd they have to get Goldberg?

Flair chops down Heidenreich, but McMahonís army has already started to swarm into the backstage area. Benoit is sitting down on a rock, surveying the land below.

Benoit: This isnít Hollywood at all. Man, back down the mountain, I guess.

As he starts the climb back down, heís hit from behind by a handspring elbow. Benoit falls a few feet, but catches himself on the next outcropping. Tajiri jumps down and sets up another kick. Benoit neatly dodges it, but Tajiri winds up behind him. Benoit turns to meet the Buzzsaw, but Tajiri has loaded up the mist. Benoit realizes all too late and gets a face full of yellow mist. Benoit is instantly paralyzed. Tajiri begins to wail away on Benoit with short quick death kicks. Suddenly, the last of the pyro explodes, throwing Tajiri backwards. Tommy Dreamer stands behind him, holding Shawnís chair in one hand and a Singapore cane in the other.

Dreamer: Itís time to get Hardcore. Touch Benoit again, and Iím gonna ram this Singapore Cane right up your ass. Come on. Letís see what youíve got.

Tajiri charges. Tommy blocks a kick with his chair, and nails Tajiriís back with the cane. The cane snaps, and Tajiri smiles, lining up his next kick. Tajiri nails Tommy in the face, knocking a few teeth loose. Tajiri drives a foot into Tommyís stomach. Dreamer is down. He tries to bring the chair up to defend himself, but Tajiri kicks it away. Tajiri loads up the mist again, but before he can spit, Dreamer spews a mixture of blood and teeth into Tajiriís face. Tajiri stumbles away.

Dreamer: Now that is hardcore.

Dreamer nails Tajiri with the Dreamer DDT. Tajiri is out could. Tommy runs over to Benoit.

Dreamer: Oh no! Mr. Benoit! The yellow mist thatísÖis that paralysis? No, thatís mauve mist. Is it the one that turns you into a newt? No, thatís grey mist. Yellow is death! Oh no, Mr. Benoit! How awful. Iím going to cry now, as I loot your corpse. Damn you, Tajiri! Damn you, Hart! Damn you, Eddie and Chavo for being such bad influences on me!

Val Venis and Luther Reigns are walking around on the mountain.

Venis: Are you sure?
Luther: Duke told me himself, this is Hollywood.
Venis: It doesnít look like it.
Luther: Man, do you want to be in the movies or not?
Venis: Fine. Fine. Hey, look. A dead body!
Luther: Is it a hooker? Thatís a sure sign weíre in Hollywood.
Venis: No. Itís just Chris Benoit.
Luther: Oh.
Venis: Wait. Wait. Yellow mist. Heís just paralyzed.
Luther: I thought that was purple mist.
Venis: No, purple mist turns you gay.
Luther: Then I guess you got hit with it a long time ago.
Venis: Shut up. Letís bring him back to McMahon. Maybe he can job to you every day for the rest of his life.
Luther: Yay!

Behind a rock, Dreamer frets.

Dreamer: Heís not dead? Oh man, I knew I shouldíve brought my ďMists of the WorldĒ book. This sucks. WellÖI guess I better follow them.

In the Boiler Room, Eddie is trying to convince Mick not to blow himself and Edge up.

Foley: Look at you! You were so young, Edge! So full of life! Why did I have to send you to your death?
Edge: Really, Iím ok.
Eddie: Heís fine, holmes. Canít you see him squirming around?
Foley: Oh! Rigger mortis has set in! WHY!
Mortis: WoahÖwrong room. I was looking for catering.
Edge: Down the hall, to the left, five rooms down. But if I know Mick, heís already eaten most everything.
Mortis: Thanks anyway. Who bettah than Kanyon?
Eddie: UhÖnobody?
Mortis: No, no, nobÖerÖyeah. Nobody.
Foley: Now, to pour this gasoline.
Edge: Eddie, this is getting mighty uncomfortable.
Eddie: Iíve got an idea! Use the force to make me float around. Mick will think Iím some sort of god!
Edge: I canít use the force.
Eddie: Oh. Damn, esse. I donít know what to do then.

Eddie rushes at Mick, but is met with a right hand. Right. Right. Right. Running knee lift. Eddie is down.

Foley: Thatís it! Thatís it, Eddie Guerrero! Youíre out of the Mickey Scouts! Go to hell! Go to hell and die! And have a nice day!

Foley begins humming Christmas carols to himself as he pours gas all over Edge. Eddie runs out and down to the ring.

Eddie: Naitch! Naitch! Mr. Flair!
Flair: Go back stage! Theyíve taken the ring! Weíll fight them and their old ladies back there all night long! WOO!
Rhyno: Youíre retreating? Oh, youíve got to be freakiní kidding me. ARRR! Chase them down, men!
Flair: Fight! Chop! Style and profile! WOO! They will not take the rest of the arena!

In the distance, a huge pyro explodes. Everyone turns to look at what is coming from the West. There, driving in a bus fashioned to resemble a giant fist, are the superstars of Smackdown. Stacy and Chavo sneak onto the bus, both dressed as Raven, in old flannel shirts and scraggly wigs.

Stacy: Donít do anything stupid and get yourself killed, Chavo!
Chavo: Nice. Really reassuring.
Stacy: Thanks.
Rhyno: ARRRRRGH! Charge those frigginí idiots! Gore their brains out through their asses!
Goldberg: FEAR THE SPEAR!
Heyman: This is it, men! I donít need to tell you what trouble weíre in. If this is the last day of Smackdown, I say we go out kicking some ass. Cena, take your group of mid-carders down to the ring. Take that area back! Teddy, get your production people in backstage, see if you canít get everything sorted out back there. London, you and your men do flippy things to distract the enemy. Since the dying days of ECW, I dreamed that some day, my presence would make a difference. That I could bring wrestling back where it needed to be. Well, if you thought I was Extreme at the Royal Rumble, youíre going to see what Extreme really means tonight! Sandman, youíre with me! Letís go crack some skulls!

The wrestlers file off the bus and charge towards the arena.

Stacy: Stick with me, Chavo. Iíll get us through this.
Chavo: Oh yeah. Greeeat.

The Smackdown charge is met head on by Vinceís men. Some inconsequential brawling ensues, during which Hardcore Holly somehow winds up getting killed. Nobody from either side notices. Hardcore Holly has fallen. Eddie finally finds Flair.

Eddie: Ric, esse! Foleyís going to burn himself and Edge alive!
Flair: See what I mean? God, what a show off. Youíre nothing but a glorified stuntman, Mick!
Eddie: Uh, what about Edge?
Flair: Edge is nothing but a big crybaby.
Eddie: Shouldnít we try to save him?
Flair: Fine. Letís go.

Flair and Eddie rush down to the boiler room where Flair chops the door down and grabs Foley.

Flair: Youíve got to face it, Mick. Youíre no wrester. Youíre no booker. Setting yourself on fire wonít prove anything!
Foley: Wonít it?

Mick pulls a flaming barbed wire baseball bat from his pants. He knocks Flair away and then lights Edge on fire. Edge tries to blow the flame out. Flair chop blocks Foley and uses his robe to put out Edgeís flame then begins to wheel Edge away.

Foley: Come back here, dammit!
Edge: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

Flair swings Edge into Foleyís gut, grabs the flaming bat and slams it into Foleyís back. The flannel vest and Winnie the Pooh shirt light immediately.

Foley: SooooÖAnybody want to go out for coffee later? Maybe?
Eddie: Mick, youíre on fire.
Foley: Believe me, kid. Not the first time.
Flair: And another thing. Tietam Brown sucked.

Stricken with grief, Foley runs up the stairs, to the arenaís roof and throws himself off, 100 feet into a pile of thumb tacks. He stands up, ready to fight, but he is quickly hit with a big boot and a leg drop. Mick Foley has fallen.

Flair: Did you see that? What an asshole. We work our asses off to fight McMahon, and he thinks he can get away with jumping off some crap and then jobbing. What the hell? This guy is a legend? Huh-uh.

Outside, the battle rages on.

Cena: Yo! YO! The doctor is here! These guys is out of luck, if you ask me, I just donít give a-
Heyman: Cena! Remember the FCC Guidelines for decency in rhyming promos.
Cena: Damn.
Heyman: All right, get in positions everyone. Now charge the ring! Letís take this one for all the fans that donít watch us any more!
Theodore Long: Holla Holla, Playa! You heard the man, letís go!

They rush the ring, and Vinceís men are there to meet them. Things look grim for Smackdown, as Abyss starts throwing their people left and right. However, John Cena takes control with a few punches and manages to F-U Abyss into Goldberg, knocking both men to the floor. Elsewhere, Chavo has his head in his hands as Stacy and Elix Skipper trade attempted spin kicks at each other. Back in the ring, Rikishi lumbers around, tossing guys left and right. Cena struggles to take him down.

Cena: Somebody take out his legs!
Heyman: Get the fat guy! Get the fat guy! No, not me! Him!

Shannon Moore dropkicks Rikishiís foot which is just the distraction Cena needs to pick him up and hit him with the F-U. With Rikishi down, Cena turns his attention to the next wave of Vinceís troops. Meanwhile, one of Stacyís kicks accidentally takes out Rosey who falls on top of Chavo. Chavo immediately disappears under the fat.

Stacy: Oops. I mean, yay. I got one of them. But oops, Iím sorry I crushed you ,Chavo.

To Be ContinuedÖ.



Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
Promote this thread!
hansen9j
Andouille








Since: 7.11.02
From: Riderville, SK

Since last post: 9 days
Last activity: 11 hours
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.18
So much of this works so much better than it has any right to. Tajiri as Shelob? With the poison mist? Too awesome. I also love the Flair-Foley feud fitting fine.



Idle hand spend time at the genitals, and you know how God hates that..
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Just wanted to say that I like the reposting of older columns on slash. I liked this column a lot. Many people have tried to come up with formulas to analyze a guyís workrate. Most have given up. I am also a numbers guy.
- skorpio17, Workrate - Cubs Fan (2002)
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