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The W - Guest Columns - LotR Satire: RotKotR (Part 4 of 6)
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Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 538 days
Last activity: 406 days
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.73

The Lord of the Reign: The Return of the King of the Ring
Part III, Chapter Seven
“In Which Some People Finally Grow Some Backbone“

The next morning, Heyman pulls Stacy aside as the men pack up their bags.

Heyman: Stacy, if I don’t come back, you’ll be the General Manager of Smackdown.
Stacy: Uh…Do I have to do anything?
Heyman: No. Smackdown is an awful show. Just try to look as pretty as possible, and maybe people will tune in to watch two hours of your ass.
Stacy: I can do that.
Heyman: Good.
Stacy: Can I come along? I bet I could spin kick some guys!

Heyman walks over and gives Stacy a hug.

Heyman: Oh, my darling Stacy, I only wish you weren’t so dumb. Good bye, and good luck. Hopefully, you’ll see the day when wrestling returns to the popularity it deserves. Until then, don’t cry for Uncle Paul.

Tazz, Orton and Jericho stand outside the dilapidated armory.

Tazz: Brotha, who the hell would wrestle in a place like this.
Jericho: Old men. And Christopher Daniels.
Orton: My dad said that this club was for people who were supposed to help Sting start his own promotion to fight Vince McMahon’s sinful immorality. But then they all backed out at the last minute, leaving poor Sting to turn to the horror that was WCW. So Sting called them all out, and, embarrassed that they didn’t live up to their contract, they all holed themselves up in here, too sad and scared to come out.
Tazz: Brotha, did you just read that off of a bunch of note cards?
Orton: Hooked on Phonics worked for I! Uh…I think the door is locked. And made out of little bready things.
Jericho: Crutons.
Orton: No need to swear!
Jericho: This place smells like my grandma. Let’s hope it doesn’t try to kiss us.

Jericho opens the door and marches into the armory. Orton continues to try to open the cruton until Tazz pulls him along.

Tazz: I hope they don’t hate announcers in here, brotha.

Back in the camp, everyone is packed up and ready to leave.

Cena: Maybe the men would be more psyched if I gave another battle rap.
Heyman: I think you’ve rapped at them just the right amount of times, John. Tell them to wear their gear on the bus, we’ve got to be ready to do our big run-in as soon as we get there. You! We’re not bringing any women’s wrestlers. We can’t afford seats for cannon fodder.
Chavo: I’m no girl, I’m Chavo Guerrero Jr. Heir to the Guerrero family wrestling legacy, holmes!
Heyman: You’re wearing a dress.
Chavo: Stacy designed my ring gear. It wasn’t my idea, I swear, esse vato!
Heyman: Stay here and help wash the dishes, ma’am. I know you want to help us, but us big strong men need to go do our business.
Chavo: I have a beard!
Heyman: I didn’t say that I thought you were attractive. Let’s move out, men! On the bus!
Stacy: Psst! Chavo!
Chavo: Stacy! You stole Paul London’s rental car! That’s my kind of mamacita!
Stacy: Hop in. We’ll spin kick out team to victory.

The buses and rental cars start the drive to San Diego. Meanwhile Chris Jericho has entered the sacred inner sanctum of the Cauliflower Alley Club Armory.

Bobby Heenan: And just who are these ham and eggers?
Jericho: I’m here to collect on a contract.
Heenan: We don’t take kindly to you young humanoids coming in here and messing with our stuff.
Jericho: Well you’ll take kindly to me, or else!

Jericho pulls out Sting’s Bat and pounds on the table in front of him, rustling a pile of dust causing the cobweb-covered superstars around him to wheeze and cough.

Heenan: I don’t think you understand. We don’t cop to your threats.

The men rustle and stand. Orton tries an RKO, but Lou Thesz grabs him in a half nelson and stretches him out.

Iron Sheik: HachPtooie!
Orton: Haha! You can’t spit on me! Not with my helmet on!
Jericho: You will all serve me! Or you will never, Eeeeeeeever be heard from Agayn!
Heenan: Who are you to talk to us legends like that?
Orton: Did somebody say-
Tazz: Not now, Randy.
Jericho: I am the heir of Sting. Behold, I have his bat!
Heenan: That can’t be his bat. His bat was broken.
Jericho: It has been glued back together! You owe Sting. Now you owe me. Fight for me and take your spot in history. Again.
Tazz: Brotha, I don’t think a bunch of old dudes is really going to help.
Jericho: Think about it. How many wrestling fans out there, old school fans, don’t want to see Krusher Kowalski or Stan Hansen beating the crap out of some young punk who doesn’t respect the business? Look at Lou over there, he can’t wait to try to kill Randy. I bet we could get Bruno Sammartino to come and kick Road Dogg when we’re done. What do you say, Brain? Lead your Family into battle one last time.

Heenan nods thoughtfully. At the arena in San Diego, Scotty 2 Hotty frantically waves his arm while driving Edge’s nearly totaled car.

Scotty: Open the door! Hurry!

Scotty drags Edge’s unconscious corpse into the arena. Just outside the city limits, Rhyno Gores an unsuspecting passerby. Back in the arena, Mick finds his main eventer.

Foley: Edge! What happened? How did that house show go?
Scotty: He can’t talk. His car was totaled, he barely survived. Nobody else made it back. Except me, so that I could relay the story.
Foley: What happened to Gregory Helms, Intrepid Reporter?
Scotty: He disappeared halfway through the battle.
Hurricane: Never fear! Hurricane is here!
Heyman: Where were you during the battle?
Hurricane: Sorry, I had…uh…things to do. Hurrithings.

Outside the town, Vince’s army has set up a gigantic screen.

Rhyno: Mr. Dunn? Show the freaking video already!
Kevin Dunn: Okay.

A tribute to the fallen cruiserweights is shown on the screen. It features all the spots they’d blown over the years and all the times they jobbed to larger, lesser wrestlers.

Foley: Damn them. Damn them to hell! Now who will main-event my show? You Scotty? You Hurricane? I hate this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!
Eddie: Edge is alive, holmes.
Edge: That was a wicked concussion though.
Foley: No Way Out has failed!
Eddie: What are you talking about, esse? He was just selling the attack!
Edge: Yeah, don’t be such a crybaby, Mick.
Foley: All will fall before that bastard McMahon. Smackdown isn’t coming! Everybody get the hell out of town! Run to AAA! Swim for Japan! American wrestling is Dead! Heyman has betrayed me! Again!

Flair whacks Foley with the broomstick 23 times, knocking Foley down.

Flair: WOO! Everybody prepare for war, it’s time to start the Pay Per WOO! Assume your backstage positions, get ready for your matches! Send McMahon to hell!

McMahon’s army begins throwing trashcans and stop signs at them, knocking down production people and T-Shirt gunners. Brawling amongst the wrestlers breaks out, though a distinct advantage belongs to McMahon’s troops. Eddie walks by and nails Gene Snitski with a standing dropkick. His elation, however, soon turns to fear when he sees the black-hoodied riders driving through town. Scotty 2 Hotty falls to a Bionic Elbow and an Elbow Drop. Hurricane falls to a Tombstone.

Flair: Dammit! Fight back! You hear me? I don’t care if they sell! Fight back! Eddie! Go help out! You’re our biggest draw now!
Eddie: Oh. That sucks.

Tyson Tomko launches himself at Eddie, but he gets a face full of broomstick instead.

Flair: Dammit, Eddie! Pay more attention!

A bloody Tomko gets up and charges Flair from behind, but Eddie trips him and hit’s a knee drop.

Flair: I’m going down towards the ring. Eddie, go protect the backstage for now.

Flair breaks into a run, and Eddie turns around and shambles back. Back on Mount Whitney, Chris Benoit and Bret Hart have almost reached the summit.

Benoit: Are we at WrestleMania yet?
Hitman: Almost! I told you it would be a tough journey. Here, in this cave.
Benoit: A cave? That doesn’t seem very WrestleManiay.
Hitman: This isn’t Wrestlemania, this is just the road to Wrestlemania.
Benoit: I don’t know. It’s not even a road.
Hitman: Listen, go in or don’t. You don’t want to beat McMahon, then you don’t have to. I want to beat McMahon.

Benoit walks in.

Benoit: I don’t get it. It’s just a smelly old cave.
Hitman: You’ll get it all right.
Benoit: Huh?
Bret: Did you really think you could trick me, Benoit? You would have turned on me just like everybody else. Now, you die, and I get the belt!
Benoit: No! NO! Bret, where are you? What have you done to me? What have I done? Tommy!

Benoit starts to look for the exit, but Bret has sealed it off. He turns and hears a strange noise followed by a gong. With fear in his eyes, Chris Benoit walks deeper into the cave.
Meanwhile, Tommy Dreamer continues his decent, he finds an empty box of WWE Ice Cream. He suddenly and angrily realizes Benoit’s fate. With new determination, he storms up the mountain. Benoit continues to stumble through the cave, tripping over rocks, until he comes upon an entrance ramp. He realizes that whatever awaits him won’t fear Chris Benoit, especially in his current state. Mist fills the entryway, as Benoit considers what to do.

Stephanie: It’s the last of our pyro gunpowder. Use it when you need to make a huge entrance.

The mist clears. Benoit lights the pyro.

Benoit: No time like the present.

The first blast of pyro allows Benoit to block a lighting fast kick. Tajiri sends another kick Benoit’s way, but he’s still blinded by the pyro, so he misses. Benoit takes advantages and slams Shawn Michael’s chair into Tajiri’s back, and then he runs through the next blast of pyro while Tajiri recovers. Benoit continues to flee until he’s suddenly tripped and handcuffed to a nearby ring on the wall.

Bret: No you don’t. you’re not getting away. You’re no better than McMahon, screwing me out of my belt. But now, the heel turn to end all heel turns, Bret Hart turns on his own countryman and forces him to job to the Japanese Buzzsaw, Yoshiro Tajiri. Master of the Tarantula. He will kick you right in the face, and you will die, and the belt will be mine!

Benoit snaps the handcuffs.

Bret: Oh crap.

Bret and Benoit brawl for a moment as Tajiri rapidly backflips towards them. Bret makes a grab for the belt on Benit’s shoulder, but Benoit reverses and nails Bret with a German. Benoit locks in the Crippler Crosface. Bret immediately taps out.

Hitman: AH! I give up! I tap out! I’m sorry, Chris. I don’t know what came over me! You deserve the belt more than I ever did. Now let me go! Please!

Benoit releases the hold. Bret pulls him down and Tajiri backflips past. Benoit places his hand on Bret’s shoulder.

Benoit: Bret, I know. I know how you feel. McMahon must be removed from power. But the title must be trashed. It isn’t for you anymore.
Bret: NO!

Bret dives at Benoit, but Benoit meets him with a snap suplex, tossing him off the mountain entirely and down to the valley below. Benoit collapses in a heap on the cliff.

Benoit: Oh damn. I’m sorry, Tommy. Wherever you are.

Poofy white clouds rush up the mountain, bearing Stephanie McMahon to Benoit.

Benoit: I’m fantasizing about Stephanie? Did I get a concussion?
Stephanie: Does this cloud make my ass look fat?
Benoit: Your ass makes your ass look fat.
Stephanie: How about my boobs?
Benoit: I’ve had just about enough of wife stealing for one lifetime, thanks. Just tell me why you’re here.
Stephanie: Get up and keep walking.
Benoit: That’s what you’re here to tell me?
Stephanie: Yep.
Benoit: I hate you even more now.

The poofy clouds disperse, and Benoit continues to walk.

The Lord of the Reign: The Return of the King of the Ring
Part III, Chapter Eight
“In Which Dreamer and Foley Make Their Marks“

Ric Flair is in the ring, chopping McMahon superstars as Foley’s troops try to gain a foothold at ringside, inside the boiler room, Mick Foley is hugging Edge’s body which is strapped to a stretcher.

Foley: Alas and alack! The end of Mick Foley and Edge!
Edge: I’m fine. Really.
Foley: The world of professional wrestling is doomed!
Edge: I’m not even that good at selling, really.
Foley: Bring me some fire! I’ll have one last deathmatch that will kill us both! BANG BANG!
Edge: All righty then.

Back in the ring, Flair tries to hold the line.

Flair: Keep it up! They’re not gonna be able to hold us down! We’re pushing them back!

Goldberg runs through and Spears several of Foley’s men at once.

Flair: Goldberg? Oh crap. Why’d they have to get Goldberg?

Flair chops down Heidenreich, but McMahon’s army has already started to swarm into the backstage area. Benoit is sitting down on a rock, surveying the land below.

Benoit: This isn’t Hollywood at all. Man, back down the mountain, I guess.

As he starts the climb back down, he’s hit from behind by a handspring elbow. Benoit falls a few feet, but catches himself on the next outcropping. Tajiri jumps down and sets up another kick. Benoit neatly dodges it, but Tajiri winds up behind him. Benoit turns to meet the Buzzsaw, but Tajiri has loaded up the mist. Benoit realizes all too late and gets a face full of yellow mist. Benoit is instantly paralyzed. Tajiri begins to wail away on Benoit with short quick death kicks. Suddenly, the last of the pyro explodes, throwing Tajiri backwards. Tommy Dreamer stands behind him, holding Shawn’s chair in one hand and a Singapore cane in the other.

Dreamer: It’s time to get Hardcore. Touch Benoit again, and I’m gonna ram this Singapore Cane right up your ass. Come on. Let’s see what you’ve got.

Tajiri charges. Tommy blocks a kick with his chair, and nails Tajiri’s back with the cane. The cane snaps, and Tajiri smiles, lining up his next kick. Tajiri nails Tommy in the face, knocking a few teeth loose. Tajiri drives a foot into Tommy’s stomach. Dreamer is down. He tries to bring the chair up to defend himself, but Tajiri kicks it away. Tajiri loads up the mist again, but before he can spit, Dreamer spews a mixture of blood and teeth into Tajiri’s face. Tajiri stumbles away.

Dreamer: Now that is hardcore.

Dreamer nails Tajiri with the Dreamer DDT. Tajiri is out could. Tommy runs over to Benoit.

Dreamer: Oh no! Mr. Benoit! The yellow mist that’s…is that paralysis? No, that’s mauve mist. Is it the one that turns you into a newt? No, that’s grey mist. Yellow is death! Oh no, Mr. Benoit! How awful. I’m going to cry now, as I loot your corpse. Damn you, Tajiri! Damn you, Hart! Damn you, Eddie and Chavo for being such bad influences on me!

Val Venis and Luther Reigns are walking around on the mountain.

Venis: Are you sure?
Luther: Duke told me himself, this is Hollywood.
Venis: It doesn’t look like it.
Luther: Man, do you want to be in the movies or not?
Venis: Fine. Fine. Hey, look. A dead body!
Luther: Is it a hooker? That’s a sure sign we’re in Hollywood.
Venis: No. It’s just Chris Benoit.
Luther: Oh.
Venis: Wait. Wait. Yellow mist. He’s just paralyzed.
Luther: I thought that was purple mist.
Venis: No, purple mist turns you gay.
Luther: Then I guess you got hit with it a long time ago.
Venis: Shut up. Let’s bring him back to McMahon. Maybe he can job to you every day for the rest of his life.
Luther: Yay!

Behind a rock, Dreamer frets.

Dreamer: He’s not dead? Oh man, I knew I should’ve brought my “Mists of the World” book. This sucks. Well…I guess I better follow them.

In the Boiler Room, Eddie is trying to convince Mick not to blow himself and Edge up.

Foley: Look at you! You were so young, Edge! So full of life! Why did I have to send you to your death?
Edge: Really, I’m ok.
Eddie: He’s fine, holmes. Can’t you see him squirming around?
Foley: Oh! Rigger mortis has set in! WHY!
Mortis: Woah…wrong room. I was looking for catering.
Edge: Down the hall, to the left, five rooms down. But if I know Mick, he’s already eaten most everything.
Mortis: Thanks anyway. Who bettah than Kanyon?
Eddie: Uh…nobody?
Mortis: No, no, nob…er…yeah. Nobody.
Foley: Now, to pour this gasoline.
Edge: Eddie, this is getting mighty uncomfortable.
Eddie: I’ve got an idea! Use the force to make me float around. Mick will think I’m some sort of god!
Edge: I can’t use the force.
Eddie: Oh. Damn, esse. I don’t know what to do then.

Eddie rushes at Mick, but is met with a right hand. Right. Right. Right. Running knee lift. Eddie is down.

Foley: That’s it! That’s it, Eddie Guerrero! You’re out of the Mickey Scouts! Go to hell! Go to hell and die! And have a nice day!

Foley begins humming Christmas carols to himself as he pours gas all over Edge. Eddie runs out and down to the ring.

Eddie: Naitch! Naitch! Mr. Flair!
Flair: Go back stage! They’ve taken the ring! We’ll fight them and their old ladies back there all night long! WOO!
Rhyno: You’re retreating? Oh, you’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me. ARRR! Chase them down, men!
Flair: Fight! Chop! Style and profile! WOO! They will not take the rest of the arena!

In the distance, a huge pyro explodes. Everyone turns to look at what is coming from the West. There, driving in a bus fashioned to resemble a giant fist, are the superstars of Smackdown. Stacy and Chavo sneak onto the bus, both dressed as Raven, in old flannel shirts and scraggly wigs.

Stacy: Don’t do anything stupid and get yourself killed, Chavo!
Chavo: Nice. Really reassuring.
Stacy: Thanks.
Rhyno: ARRRRRGH! Charge those friggin’ idiots! Gore their brains out through their asses!
Heyman: This is it, men! I don’t need to tell you what trouble we’re in. If this is the last day of Smackdown, I say we go out kicking some ass. Cena, take your group of mid-carders down to the ring. Take that area back! Teddy, get your production people in backstage, see if you can’t get everything sorted out back there. London, you and your men do flippy things to distract the enemy. Since the dying days of ECW, I dreamed that some day, my presence would make a difference. That I could bring wrestling back where it needed to be. Well, if you thought I was Extreme at the Royal Rumble, you’re going to see what Extreme really means tonight! Sandman, you’re with me! Let’s go crack some skulls!

The wrestlers file off the bus and charge towards the arena.

Stacy: Stick with me, Chavo. I’ll get us through this.
Chavo: Oh yeah. Greeeat.

The Smackdown charge is met head on by Vince’s men. Some inconsequential brawling ensues, during which Hardcore Holly somehow winds up getting killed. Nobody from either side notices. Hardcore Holly has fallen. Eddie finally finds Flair.

Eddie: Ric, esse! Foley’s going to burn himself and Edge alive!
Flair: See what I mean? God, what a show off. You’re nothing but a glorified stuntman, Mick!
Eddie: Uh, what about Edge?
Flair: Edge is nothing but a big crybaby.
Eddie: Shouldn’t we try to save him?
Flair: Fine. Let’s go.

Flair and Eddie rush down to the boiler room where Flair chops the door down and grabs Foley.

Flair: You’ve got to face it, Mick. You’re no wrester. You’re no booker. Setting yourself on fire won’t prove anything!
Foley: Won’t it?

Mick pulls a flaming barbed wire baseball bat from his pants. He knocks Flair away and then lights Edge on fire. Edge tries to blow the flame out. Flair chop blocks Foley and uses his robe to put out Edge’s flame then begins to wheel Edge away.

Foley: Come back here, dammit!
Edge: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

Flair swings Edge into Foley’s gut, grabs the flaming bat and slams it into Foley’s back. The flannel vest and Winnie the Pooh shirt light immediately.

Foley: Soooo…Anybody want to go out for coffee later? Maybe?
Eddie: Mick, you’re on fire.
Foley: Believe me, kid. Not the first time.
Flair: And another thing. Tietam Brown sucked.

Stricken with grief, Foley runs up the stairs, to the arena’s roof and throws himself off, 100 feet into a pile of thumb tacks. He stands up, ready to fight, but he is quickly hit with a big boot and a leg drop. Mick Foley has fallen.

Flair: Did you see that? What an asshole. We work our asses off to fight McMahon, and he thinks he can get away with jumping off some crap and then jobbing. What the hell? This guy is a legend? Huh-uh.

Outside, the battle rages on.

Cena: Yo! YO! The doctor is here! These guys is out of luck, if you ask me, I just don’t give a-
Heyman: Cena! Remember the FCC Guidelines for decency in rhyming promos.
Cena: Damn.
Heyman: All right, get in positions everyone. Now charge the ring! Let’s take this one for all the fans that don’t watch us any more!
Theodore Long: Holla Holla, Playa! You heard the man, let’s go!

They rush the ring, and Vince’s men are there to meet them. Things look grim for Smackdown, as Abyss starts throwing their people left and right. However, John Cena takes control with a few punches and manages to F-U Abyss into Goldberg, knocking both men to the floor. Elsewhere, Chavo has his head in his hands as Stacy and Elix Skipper trade attempted spin kicks at each other. Back in the ring, Rikishi lumbers around, tossing guys left and right. Cena struggles to take him down.

Cena: Somebody take out his legs!
Heyman: Get the fat guy! Get the fat guy! No, not me! Him!

Shannon Moore dropkicks Rikishi’s foot which is just the distraction Cena needs to pick him up and hit him with the F-U. With Rikishi down, Cena turns his attention to the next wave of Vince’s troops. Meanwhile, one of Stacy’s kicks accidentally takes out Rosey who falls on top of Chavo. Chavo immediately disappears under the fat.

Stacy: Oops. I mean, yay. I got one of them. But oops, I’m sorry I crushed you ,Chavo.

To Be Continued….

Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
Promote this thread!

Since: 7.11.02
From: Riderville, SK

Since last post: 3 days
Last activity: 2 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.18
So much of this works so much better than it has any right to. Tajiri as Shelob? With the poison mist? Too awesome. I also love the Flair-Foley feud fitting fine.

Idle hand spend time at the genitals, and you know how God hates that..
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