Volume I Chapter THREE “In Which Ric Flair Learns Wrestling’s Darkest Secrets”
Benoit: Stay off the roads. What the hell does that even mean? Dreamer: I think it means stay off the roads. Benoit: I know that. I mean, what was he talking aboot? We’re not going to get to Milwaukee very fast on foot. Dreamer: And this horse he gave us is a hobby horse. I mean, what the hell? Benoit: Flair is just a crazy old man.
Flair arrives in Greenwich in his Lear Jet. Triple H is there to meet him.
Triple H: How’s it goin’, Ric? Flair: You know something, champ? I think it’s going to be a lot better! What can you tell me about these symbols? Triple H: Ah, the ancient art of wingdings. He whose name is in these symbols can wield the power of the Undisputed Championship. Flair: And?
Triple H: I’ll have to consult my copy of Microsoft Word. Flair: It’s all right. We have time. Triple H: Not as much as you might think. Inside Triple H’s luxurious mansion....
Triple H: You see, Ric, Vince may not be able to do anything about any of this right now, but he can see it. Flair: Cameras? Triple H: Millions of them. Following each and every one of these simpletons. Tracking their every move, Ric. From the time they arrive at the arena to the time they job to The Game, there are cameras everywhere. Even in the hospitals and at our homes. Flair: Even here? Triple H: I don’t think so. I’m too powerful for all that. Flair: Good. Triple H: But I do have this!
Triple H takes the cover off a TV.
Flair: NO! Then we’ll know things, like how our friends are plotting against us, or what is actually going on with the other wrestlers. Triple H: Tell me, Ric, where did you get these symbols? Flair: On the Undisputed Championship. Shawn Michaels was hiding it on Sma— Triple H: I thought as much. Flair: You’ve been watching the T—YOUR NAME IS ON THE BELT! Triple H: And now your blood will be on my hands, old man. It’s time to play the game! PEDIGREE TO FLAIR!
Flair and HHH brawl for a bit, Flair takes an advantage, but it ends when he tries to jump off the desk and Triple H slams him down. Triple H hits the Pedigree, and Flair falls through 37 floors. Just outside the arena at Smackdown, Benoit and Dreamer are nearly run over.
Benoit: AHH! What the hell? Eddie: Do you wanna ride in our lowrider? Dreamer: I dunno. Chavo: Well, hurry up and make a decision. Benoit: What’s the rush? Eddie: Well, you see, Chavito and I saw a mamacita! Chavo: And so we were like, what’s up, holmes? Eddie: And then we grabbed her melons! Chavo: Yeah, that was pretty slick, eh, Uncle Eddie? Eddie: Totally, Chavito, but now she’s after us, esse vato. Benoit: What, a girl? You’re professionals. You could take her. Chavo: Yeah. The thing is… it was Chyna, holmes. Dreamer: You groped Chyna? Eddie: Well, uh… she looked good from a distance, you know? X-Pac: Tell me about it. Benoit: Oh, crap! Here she comes. Get in, Tommy! Dreamer: But, but—
Benoit pulls Dreamer into the car as Chyna comes storming out of the arena with an axe. Eddie takes off down the street.
Dreamer: Where are we? Benoit: We’re on the highway, headed to Milwaukee. Dreamer: HIGHWAY? Benoit: OH CRAP! PULL OFF! PULL OFF!
Eddie slams the lowrider into the ditch just as a band of hoodie-clad motorcycle badasses come driving by. One of the cycles stops, and the rider gets out. Benoit feels for the Undisputed Title hidden under his jacket.
Rider: Hmmm, smells like beets! We be clubberin’, Tony! We be clubberin’!
The rider drives off. Benoit, Eddie, Chavo and Dreamer climb out of the ditch and sit on a nearby fence.
Eddie: Man, how am I going to explain THAT one to my probation officer? “No, holmes, I wasn’t drunk, I swear! I was just avoiding a bunch of guys on motorcycles who were trying to kill me, esse.” Yeah. That’s realistic. Benoit: What’s the quickest way to Milwaukee — that’s not on the road? Chavo: Plane? Eddie: Train? Dreamer: Automo— oh, wait. Benoit: Come on guys. What should we do? It’d take too long to get a plane here in the middle of nowhere. What about a train? A-Train: What about me? Benoit: Where’d you come from? A-Train: I was hiding in the trunk of the car. See, I bought this milk and this chocolate, but I couldn’t get them sufficiently mixed. I was hoping the lowrider hydraulics would do it for me, but then we crashed and.... It’s pretty good, actually. Ahhhhh. Benoit: Do you have any ideas on how we can get to Wisconsin without driving on the road? A-Train: My cousin Schmecky owns a hot air balloon service just a few blocks down the road. I bet he’d let you guys take the balloons. Hey, you have a horse, why don’t you just use that? Chavo: Pepe? PEPE, IT’S YOU!!! Dreamer: Hands off. Ric gave me this hobby horse. A-Train: Whatever. Come on, we can walk the rest of the way.
They walk to Cousin Schmecky’s Used Hot Air Balloon Emporium. As they arrive, the familiar strands of “Voodoo Chilli” start up, and the riders ride in.
Benoit: Oh, geez! Go! Go!
Eddie cuts the rope.
Chavo: Why aren’t we going? Schmecky: You’ve gotta start the gas, dipweed. Chavo: Oh, crap. Benoit: Guys, would you mind, you know, giving us a few seconds to figure this thing oot? Rider: Yeah, okay.
They start up the gas and take off.
Volume I Chapter FOUR “In Which Chris Benoit Joins the Inn Crowd”
At The Pink Pony bar and disco in Milwaukee.
Benoit: Are there any rooms me and my friends can rent? Dreamer: I believe that’s my friends and “I”. Barkeep: Awwww, look, a little old married couple. This is a bar. You want a room, try a fricking motel. Benoit: Where did Eddie and Chavo go? Dreamer: They’re trying to get the jukebox to play their theme. Benoit: Uhhhhh, right. Have you seen Ric Flair? Barkeep: Old man? Flabby chest? He hasn’t been in here for a while. Benoit: Crap! We really need to talk to him. Dreamer: Let’s just wait around until the matches start. I’m sure he’ll show up.
A group of smarks runs over to Benoit and asks him to sign their pizza-stained Cyberslam 1997 t-Shirts. Benoit tries to run, but when that fails he puts on the title belt. The lights go out, but Benoit’s Undisputed Title-fueled superpowers allow him to see the WWE’s Night Vision camera fixed on him.
Benoit: Damn that Kid-Cam.
Benoit takes off the belt, and is hit with a chairshot from behind. He is dragged into the bathroom.
Jericho: Dammit, Chris. Benoit: Ow. Hey! Jericho? What are you doing here? Jericho: The real question is what are you doing, period? That belt is an instrument of pure evil, not a cute fashion accessory. Benoit: Really? Because I really think it brings out my eyes. Jericho: Hey, you know you’re ri— knock it off, Benoit.
Eddie, Chavo and Dreamer kick in the door each carrying a barstool.
Dreamer: I’m gonna rip your—
The door swings back closed. Dreamer kicks it open again.
Dreamer: —lungs out, you—
The door swings closed again. Dreamer opens it again.
Dreamer: Chavo, would you mind keeping it open? Geez. I’m gonna rip your lungs out, you big meanie. Jericho: All that… for that? Dreamer: That’s right meanie! Blue Meanie: I was just in here to take a crap, dude! Don’t hurt me! Jericho: I think he was talking to me, assclown. Blue Meanie: Phew. I’m out of here. Jericho: Anyway. Benoit, we’re not waiting around for Flair anymore. The crazy old jerk disappeared. I’ll take you to Worcester. Benoit: The sauce? Jericho: No, the city, you idiot. There’s going to be a meeting there. The locker room is going to decide what to do about this Undisputed Title thing. Eddie: You could just give it to me, holmes! Jericho: You’re never going to be the champion, Eddie. Eddie: Awwww. (I will before Benoit, you jerk....) Benoit: I heard that!
The riders have parked their bikes outside the bar. It’s like Road Wild! One of the riders hops off his bike, and his leg snaps in five places. The others shake their heads and rush into the bar.
Rider: Where’s Benoit, Brother? Barkeep: They went into the bathroom! Hey! We’re doing an Indy show here tonight. Do you guys want to wrestle in it? Rider 2: Sure! Rider: No! Rider 2: Oh, come on! This bar is ready to FEEL… THE… BANG! Rider: You know something, brother, we can’t be scary bad-ass dudes if we run around wrestling in bars when we’re supposed to be trying to find the Undisputed Title, dude. Rider 3: My contibulations are firmly in the corner of the one who is called the Page. His desire for destrucity here in this the most dank of bars calls out to both my mind and soul.
Benoit, Jericho, and the Guerreros sneak out while the riders continue to argue.
Rider 4: Clubberin’. We should be clubberin’, Tony! Rider 3: The obese one speaks true! Rider: That’s it! These 24 inch pythons are going to run wild on YOU!
They begin brawling. Meanwhile, Benoit, Jericho and the Guerreros have piled on to Pepe and are riding across the plains heading slowly toward Worcester, Mass.
Dreamer: Wouldn’t it be easier and faster if we stopped pretending like we were riding this horse and just walked? Chavo: You leave Pepe alone. Benoit: So what is up with those guys in the hoodies anyway? What do they want? Jericho: Those are the black riders. Former world champions who are so full of themselves that they are now consumed by trying to get the Undisputed Title back, hoping they will get rehired and pushed by Vince if they find it. Eddie: Do you think I could win a World Title if I— Jericho, Chavo, Benoit, Dreamer: NO! Eddie: But I lie, I cheat, I steal, holmes. Jericho: Yeah, but you have a heart of gold! Eddie: (sniffles) It’s true. Jericho: Okay, let’s turn this way, guys. Benoit: So, back to Smackdown, huh? Jericho: I have an idea. We’re going out into the wild. Chavo: That… doesn’t sound too safe. Jericho: We’re off to Velocity. Dreamer: Velocity! You hear that, Mr. Benoit? We’re going to see the Cruiserweights! Benoit: Yeah… great.
Eddie and Chavo sit down. Eddie puts on a sombrero.
Jericho: What the hell do you guys think you’re doing? Eddie: Siesta, esse! Have a seat! Jericho: Oh, no you don’t! We’re not resting until we reach at least Pennsylvania. Dreamer: E-C-Dub! E-C-D— Benoit: Knock it off, Tommy. Dreamer: Yes, Mr. Benoit.
Eddie sneaks up behind Jericho with a chair.
Chavo: Don’t do it, Uncle Eddie. It’s not worth it! Eddie: I’ll siesta you, Chris!
Eddie swings but misses. Jericho walks on ahead.
Volume I Chapter FIVE “In Which HHH Builds an Army and The Guys Learn the Value of Subtlety”
Various wrestlers sit in an alley, pouring bottle after bottle of Cristal onto the pavement. Triple H supervises as an explosion rocks the WCW Nitro sign behind him.
Triple H: Report! How goes the creation of my army? Billy Gunn: Well, here’s the thing.... Triple H: No excuses, Mr. Ass. Where the hell are my No Limit Soldiers? Billy Gunn: Here’s one now. Let’s see.
A creature comes crawling out from the depths.
Brad Armstrong: Hootie HOO! Triple H: What… the hell? Billy Gunn: I, uh — I think this one is defective. Brad Armstrong: Word to your MOTHA! Billy Gunn: Really defective. Triple H: Well, keep at it. I’m sure you’ll get it right. Because if you DON’T— Billy Gunn: —PEDIGREE TO MR. ASS! I know, I know. Brad Armstrong: Who’s ready to get ROWDY?
Meanwhile, on top of the tallest building in Worcester.
Eddie: Woah, man. Three stories up. Did I ever tell you I was afraid of heights? Chavo: Yeah, holmes, why do you think we ride in lowriders? Jericho: Shut up. This used to be the best place to shoot up some steriods and watch the night sky back in the day. Now, a fog has settled over this land. Benoit: More like a SMOG! Jericho: No, no. That was last book. Benoit: What? Jericho: Never mind. I’m going to go grocery shopping. I’ll be right back. DON’T do anything stupid! Don’t call attention to our presence here. Eddie: Who? Us? Jericho: … Dreamer: Don’t worry, Mr. Jericho, we’ll be good.
Jericho exits down the fire escape. Eddie, Chavo and Tommy huddle together and begin talking as Benoit curls up and falls to sleep, clutching the Undisputed Title to his chest. A few hours later, he’s awoken with a start. Fireworks explode all around him.
Eddie: IT’S A NEW DAY FOR WCW, ESSE! Chavo: Froot booty, holmes! How about all them mamac— I mean, yaks? YAKS, TONY! Eddie: That’s right, Tony Schiavoni and Stevie Ray at ringside. Benoit: What are you doing? Eddie: Oh, hey, Chris. We’re just… uh, holding our own Pay Per View up here. We got cameras, pyros, the whole eight and a half yards. Camera Guy: Yo. Benoit: We… we can’t do this. Jericho told us not to call attention to ourselves. Chavo: Well, to be fair we’ve only got 20,000 viewers. Dreamer: That’s twice what TNA gets! Eddie: Shhhh. It’s time for your entrance, Chris! Benoit: Entrance? Tony Chimel: Now, introducing from “Now Residing in Atlanta, Georgia,” the holder of the WWE Undisputed Heavyweight Title: CHRIS BENOIT!!
Pyro explodes all around the whole building as a giant spotlight shines on Benoit.
Benoit: Oh crapmuffins.
The revving of motorcycles is heard as the roof’s maintenance elevator doors open to reveal the black hoodied riders standing in a row holding stop signs. The sounds of car crashes echo through the street.
Dreamer: You interrupted the flow of traffic. You BASTARDS!!
Dreamer rushes forward, Singapore Cane in hand, and gets Gorilla Press slammed and Splashed for the pin.
Tony Chimel: Tommy Dreamer has been ELIMINATED!! Benoit: This isn’t fair! It’s nine to four! Eddie: Well, nine to three now. Chavo: Screw all y’all. Benoit: Chavo. Come on. Chavo: Fine, fine. Let’s go, esse!
Chavo rushes forward and is nailed with a bionic elbow. He’s out.
Tony Chimel: Chavo Guerrero has been ELIMINATED!! Benoit: Goddammit. Eddie, maybe we shouldn’t be handling this black ninja style. You know? Eddie: Well, I mean, what to you want to do, holmes? Benoit: Conchairto to the tall one!
Benoit and Eddie load up and nail the tallest driver with their chairs. He no-sells it.
Rider: Not in my yard. Rider 2: Yeah. Feel THE BANG!! Rider: Shut up. Rider 2: Yes, sir.
One of the riders nails Eddie with a big boot and a leg drop. Eddie is pinned.
Tony Chimel: EDDIE GU— Benoit: —I know, I know.
Benoit ducks under an errant stop-sign shot and throws on the belt.
The lights in Worcester go out, and Benoit stumbles through the near light for a few seconds before he sees the all-seeing camera of Vince McMahon and hears Vince’s voice droning on about Pay Per View buyrates, before he turns and stares straight into the face of death. Hulk Hogan’s droopy jowls jiggle in the ghastly near light as he shakes his head and finger at Benoit. Benoit falls over, and is cracked in the skull with a stop sign. Suddenly, there is a loud explosion, and some music flares up.
Schiavoni: CHRIS JERICHO! CHRIS JERICHO IS HERE! Stevie Ray: Tony! Tony! Can I ax you a question, Tony?
Jericho swings a loaded cookie sheet and nails one of the riders squarely in the jaw. The others bail because Jericho is a newly entered face with a weapon.
Dreamer: You got them! Good one, Chris! Jericho: They’ll soon be back. Oh, you guys are morons. Where the hell is Benoit?
At that moment, Benoit appears behind Jericho, holding the belt and looking bleary eyed.
Jericho: He’s got a concussion! Dammit. He could be out for months now. We need to get him to an undisclosed medical facility. Benoit: Ric? Dreamer: Shhhhh. Benoit: RIIIIIIIC!!!
On the very top of Triple H’s spacious Connecticut mansion, The Nature Boy stirs.
Flair: Wha? What? I’ll take your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOO! Oh, God. I must be hungover. I thought I heard Benoit. Stevie Richards: Benoit? What the hell does he have to do with any of this? Flair: None of your damn— wait, what the hell are you doing up here? Stevie Richards: I dunno. Guess I was bored. Flair: Well, go get me some help.
In a forest near Worcester....
Jericho: We’ve got to keep moving. They’re going to be following soon. Dreamer: But, Chris. What about Mr. Benoit? Benoit: I’m gonna beat Triple H. Of course I can beat Triple H. Make him pay. Make him TAP OUT. I’m gonna be the champion. Beat him and Shawn Michaels at WRESTLEMANIA! Jericho: Oh, God. He’s delirious. Eddie: Actually.... Eh, never mind. Jericho: Tommy, do you know Slurpees? Dreamer: Slurpees? Jericho: You might know them as Slushies? Icees? Dreamer: Icees? Aye. Jericho: Well, I’m, like, really thirsty, and there’s a 7-11 thatawaysish. Go grab me one of thems. Dreamer: Yes, sir.
Dreamer jaunts off. Jericho tells Eddie and Chavo to stay with Benoit while he goes ahead to find the best way forward. As Jericho walks through a small ditch, he is nearly run over.
Jericho: Women drivers! Look where you’re going! Geez!!
A young woman steps out of the car.
Trish: Some kind of hero you are. You weren’t even watching the road. Jericho: Well, I got things on my mind. Like Slurpees. Trish: So what’s going on in your little D&D club this week? Jericho: It’s no club. Benoit got a concussion from a Stop Sign +2 v. Vanilla Midgets. If we don’t hasten, he might forget everything, turn heel, and join the black riders in the search for the magic belt. Trish: NERDS! Jericho: This is serious business. Trish: Whatever. Nerd. Jericho: Seriously, Trish. Come help. Trish: Ooooh. Do you need somebody to hold your d20s? Jericho: How do you know about d20s unless you’re an— Trish: Shut up. I call dibs on the Dwarven Fighter/Mage. Jericho: What? Yeah. Whatever, let’s get back to Benoit.
They return to Benoit.
Trish: HOLY CRAP! You were serious about Benoit, huh? I thought maybe he was trapped in a cage with a bunch of Level 3 Kobalds and Tommy’d accidentally eaten his copy of the 6th Edition Player’s Manual. Dreamer: A girl! RUN! Chavo: Hey, mamacita! Eddie: No way, man, I saw her first. Hey, baby, can I play with your maracas? Trish: Look, he’s beyond ya’ll’s help. We’ll have to take him to my daddy Shane. Jericho: Shane McMahon is your daddy? Trish: My sugar daddy. He’s backstage at Velocity right now. I could drive Benoit over there. Benoit: HAS ANYBODY GOT ANY PRAWNS? Jericho: You’d better hurry. If you’re taking the highway you’d better watch out for the nine riders. Trish: Those guys are your enemies? Whoa. I totally flashed them, like, five miles back. Jericho: Just take Benoit. And hurry.
Trish drags Benoit back to the car, and they take off down the highway. The hooded riders follow her all the way back to the arena, and she finally pulls over and gets out of the car.
Trish: What the hell do you want? Rider: You know. Just give us Benoit and I won’t hit you with the Jackknife, baby. Trish: Go to hell. I’m here to represent Canada. How about a pair of THESE?
Trish pulls up her shirt.
Rider 2: Oh, God. Put those things away. Trish: Okay. Okay. Geez. How bad do you want him? Rider: Real bad! Trish: Well, I’ll tell you what. I just got into this story, so my attachment to this angle and these characters is tenuous at best. I mean, you can tell that I’ve got some backstory with Jericho, or something, but that’s not real fleshed out yet, so.... You can come get him. Rider 3: Seriously? Trish: Would I lie to you? Rider 2: All right, brothers, let’s go get that little dude and his belt, and we’ll get the belt. And then we’ll be WORLD CHAMPIONS AGAIN, DUDES! WHATCHU GONNA DO?
They all rush forward, but suddenly Trish throws her hands up and whips them back down, creating a wall of pyro between her and the riders. Some highway traffic is incinerated in the process. The riders shake their head and turn their bikes around. They know they can’t get through a wall of pyro. Trish Stratus drives away headed toward Shane McMahon, Velocity and the salvation of Chris Benoit.
Tonight I wanna ruin my life, I wanna throw it all away, In a spectacular way
ALL HAIL THE FUTURE KING ELESSAR... CHRIS JERICHO!!!
So let's see...
Aragorn: Chris Jericho Arwen: Trish Stratus Sauron: Vince McMahon Saruman: Triple H (Helps to have that clarified...) Tom Bombadil: A-Train (?) Farmer Maggot: Chyna That Moth Gandalf Speaks To In Order To Contact The Eagles: Steven Richards
Last Week: Jake The Snake Roberts was apparently hard up for cash so he jobbed to Randy Orton. Continuing the theme of “Why Aren’t These Guys Retired?” The Rockers won their first match in decades. And in other news, Abe Orton joined Evolution? Maybe?...