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The W - Guest Columns - LotR: FotR Satire Gets MORE KANE (4 of 5)
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Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 780 days
Last activity: 648 days
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Volume I
Chapter EIGHT
In Which the Fellowship Sets off on Their Journey, Only to Be Derailed by Acolytes

Benoit is packing his tights for the long journey ahead. Shawn Michaels, looking much older and nearly bald at this point, prances in.

Benoit: Oh, hey, Shawn. Whatís going on?
HBK: Iíve come with gifts for your trip.
Benoit: Oh boy! Sun block?
HBK: UhÖ hehehe, no. I did bring you this steel chair.
Benoit: Hey. Great. A steel chair. Havenít seen one of those in a while.
HBK: Iíll have you know I used this chair throughout my career. And I wanted you to have it.

Benoit: Thatís great. I could use a weapon.
HBK: No, no. If you donít want it you donít need to take it.
Benoit: No, I want it! Really.
HBK: No, you donít. Iím taking it with me.
Benoit: I want it.
HBK: Donít spaz. It wonít fit in my suitcase anyway. Here also is a mirror vest and matching mirror chaps.
Benoit: Those really arenít my style....
HBK: Well they wonít fit in my suitcase either, so youíre taking them.
Benoit: Maybe you should buy a bigger suitcase.
HBK: It wouldnít help. Have you seen how many frigginí mirror vests I have? OhÖ heeeeyÖ is that my belt over your shoulder there?
Benoit: No, itís Triple Hís actually. Were you ever even Undisputed Champion?
HBK: Yeah. Hey, sure. I had it at the start of this whole thing, right?
Benoit: I guess.
HBK: Hereís an idea. Let me put it on one last time before I officially retire. Take some cheesy pictures of me in it or something. Hereís an idea, Iíll wear it over my crotchal region and then take off my pants!
Benoit: Ew! And no. Iím going to go throw it in some trashcan somewhere.

Shawn stomps the ground slowly and painfully before throwing a lunging kick at Benoit. He misses by a mile and doubles over in pain on the ground.

HBK: Oh, ow, my back. Iím sorry, Chris. I wish I could go with you. But the fate of the wrestling world is in your hands now. Godspeed, Chris, Godspeed.

The Fellowship exits the locker room to a standing ovation by the other wrestlers. It is said that Mark Jindrak even wept that day. Soon, the Fellowship finds themselves traveling to WrestleMania, in Los Angeles. They make a short stop on a hill in Ohio. Chris Jericho and Christian engage themselves in teaching Eddie and Chavo how to do a proper conchairto (the key is in the legs). The rest of the gang looks on while trying to look cool, failing completely.

Jericho: And you SWING with your hips. See?
Tazz: I donít see why we donít just go through the Mississippi. Itís warmer, and, brother, you gotta know Iíd like it down there better. Besides, I got a guy down there, Joey Numbers. Yeah, he could hook us up, I bet.
Flair: No! Iím, woo, never going back to that two-bit backwater state ever again! You hear me? NEVER! The Nature Boy doesnít swing like that.

While Christian is watching this exchange, Eddie and Chavo sneak up behind him and slam him with a conchairto.

Christian: Son of a bitch! OW!
Eddie: Youíve got to use your LEGS, esse.
Dreamer: Do you guys hear something? LikeÖ conformity?
Orton: Itís the Goths!
Tazz: Hide!!

They take refuge behind some bushes as a whole bunch of white-faced kids with black lipstick and ďThe CureĒ t-shirts wander by. If one looked closely, one could probably make out Stephanie and Shane McMahon in their numbers, but it probably isnít them because that would be silly. They stand around and smoke cigarettes, bopping to some inaudible beat. Then they all complain about how stupid Ohio is and shuffle off, leaving only a black wreath and a hundred bottles of Peach Bartles & James in their wake.

Flair: Aw, dammit. Those were Undertakerís acolytes. Triple BY GOD H knows weíre here. Thereís no going through the Midwest anymore. The frigginí place is littered with Goths. Weíd be mobbed by the Mall of America.
Orton: Daaaamn, I wanted to stop by Abercrombie.
Jericho: Letís just keep going this way. Theyíll all go for Orton and we can make a run for it.
Orton: Hey!
Flair: No, no. Weíll need his ability to just RKO whoever the hell he wants. Iíve got it! WOO! Weíll just head south a bit, through the Appalachians!

Within a day, theyíre hiking up a mountain trail, trekking through a bit of odd seasonal snow. Benoitís wrestling boots slip a bit on the ice, and the resulting trip loosens the Undisputed Title from his shoulder.

Christian: Told you he couldnít do it! Gimmie gimmie gimmie! Iím sick of stupid midcard titles! Just think about it! UNPRETTIER TO VINCE AT WRESTLEMANIA!
Jericho: Christian, knock it off. Youíd suck as champion.
Christian: You think I donít know that? But come on. A guy can dream, right?
Eddie: Even I-
Fellowship: NO!
Eddie: Pfft.

Christian slaps Benoitís ass and laughs while Jericho and Benoit share a suspicious glance. Elsewhere, plopped in front of his TV, petting his cat Nibblins and taking a long slurp off a Burger King Chocolate Shake, Triple H watches the proceedings.

Triple H: So. Youíre trying to take them across the middle of the United States are you, Flair? Are you so afraid of Mississippi? Do you really not want them to know what happened there? Weíll see about THAT!

Back on the olí mountain....


The mountain shakes. Bits of sand and some small rocks fall near the Fellowship.

Orton: At least heís not saying Pedigree to Me.
Flair: Dammit! Hunter, you will not, woo, Get away with this!
Jericho: This whole thing could seriously, like, implode or something, I guess.
Flair: Beg off! You hear me, mountain? You beg off and then poke Hunter in the eye!

A bunch of mud and dirt slides down the top of the mountain partially burying the boots of the gang.

Dreamer: Are they seriously talking to this mountain?
Chavo: I guess. I donít know, esse. How can we hear Triple H, anyway?
Benoit: Magic.
Chavo: Huh?
Benoit: Like when youíre on the cellphone, but everybody else can hear it too?
Chavo: OhÖ yeah.
Dreamer: We didnít have that in ECW. We all used tin cans.
Christian: Jesus, letís get off of this frigginí thing. Weíll head to St. Louis. Follow the olí Oregon Trail.
Flair: Are you CRAZY? I said are you, WOO, crazy? We donít have enough oxen to make a trip like that!
Christian: Geez, it was just a suggestion.
Tazz: How about this, brotha: we go to Mississippi like I said. We can take the back roads.

Back in Greenwich....

Triple H: Donít do it, man. Donít do it. You know what happened there. At that house show. The Fire Still Burns.

On the mountain, Flair looks despondent.

Flair: Benoit, itís your decision. What do you think?
Benoit: I think Iím getting a cold. Some spicy southern food should do the trick. Naitch, weíre goiní to Mississippi!
Flair: Damn.

In Greenwich....

Triple H: OH SNAP! You idiot. You guys are in troooooouble! Man, I gotta pee. Nibblins, watch this stuff for me while Iím out. And donít you dare eat any of it, neither. And if those rappers try to break in and steal my Cristal, bite Ďem in the ankles.
Nibblins: Meow.

Volume I
Chapter NINE
ďIn Which The Fellowship Tries to Make It Underground, and the Story Finally Gets a Little More KaneĒ

The Fellowship sits quietly on the banks of a Mississippi swamp.

Jericho: So, let me get this straight. Weíre going to go underground.
Flair: Back in the old days, in the time of the territories, we heels would get run out of town. Quite literally. Because we were so - WOO - awesome. So eventually we dug tunnels out of the arenas, so that we could sneak out after our matches were over.
Jericho: Iím just sayiní, that is the most ludicrous thing Iíve ever heard.
Flair: Yeah? Well tell me that the next time youíve got a mob chasing after you trying to stab you in the kidneys.
Jericho: All right, all right.
Flair: Now what the hell was the password?
Benoit: What does the inscription say?
Flair: Speak Kayfabe and Enter.
Jericho: You mean the door is triggered to recognize voice commands.
Flair: Uh-huh.
Jericho: And you built this in the 70s?
Flair: I see where youíre going with this.
Jericho: And?
Flair: Stuff it.
Jericho: Hmph.
Dreamer: Tazz, Joey Numbers built this door, right?
Tazz: Yeah.
Dreamer: Shouldnít you know the password then?
Tazz: Joey Numbers wonít tell me nothiní.
Dreamer: Damn.

Near the water, Jerichoís preparing to throw something.

Chavo: What the hell do you think youíre doing?
Jericho: Iím tired of carrying around this frigginí hobby horse.
Chavo: PEPE! NOOOOO! I wonít lose you again!
Chavo wades off after Pepe. Back over at the door.
Benoit: Hell, I dunno. Somebody say something in Kayfabe.
Flair: Blade Job.

The door opens.

Flair: That was really lame.
Jericho: So was wrestling back then.
Flair: Touchť.
Jericho: Besides, it got the door open. Iíll take it.
Eddie: Yeah, holmes. Letís get going. Wait. Whereís Chavo?
Flair: Heíll, uh, catch up with us. Letís forge on ahead! WOO!

The Fellowship Minus One enters the underground tunnel. Ric Flair pulls a flashlight out of his tights.

Flair: Letís see what weíve got here.

The floor of the tunnel is littered with the fallen bodies of jobbers who died valiantly trying to get their last paycheck from a bad promoter.

Tazz: Oh, ho ho. That Joey Numbers. Heís such a kiddah. Killiní all these jobbers.
Christian: I donít think heís the one that killed these jobbers, Tazz.
Orton: Oh, snap! Flair, you led us right into a den of heels.
Flair: Well, I mean. Yeah. I even said so. Like ten minutes ago. Weíve all been heels.
Jericho: Right, right, right. But weíre ostensibly a face stable.
Flair: OhÖ ooooooh. Damn. Well, out we go.
Eddie: Good, then we can get Chavito.
Flair: That too.

Meanwhile, Chavo is wading out in the swamp chasing valiantly after the floating horse that spins slowly away deeper into the swamp. Suddenly, Batista leaps out of the water and hits Chavo with an OSPREY BOMB!

Batista: You got SERVED!

Before they can escape, Dave grabs Benoit in a chokehold.

Batista: Now I will be the BEST!
Orton: I guess we could call you BESTISTA! Man, Iím so funny. And pretty. Oh, so pretty.

Jericho begins swinging his chair at Dave, who shrugs the shots off.

Jericho: Orton! Do SOMETHING!

Out of nowhere, Randy nails Batista with the RKO. Batista goes down into the water. Chavo and Benoit join the rest of the Fellowship in the mad dash back into the tunnel.

Flair: WOO! I told you weíd need Orton.
Orton: Iím the king!
Jericho: So how long will it take to get to the other side of this thing?
Flair: About four hours.
Eddie: Four hours?
Flair: My knees arenít what they used to be. And you need a crazy old guy on the journey. So there.
Jericho: Hmph.
Flair: And plus Iím lost.
Jericho: Lost? Thereís only one direction. Straight ahead!
Flair: HmmmÖ yeah. I guess. Letís think it over. I call a, woo, caviar break.

Flair plops onto the floor and begins eating caviar and crackers.

Dreamer: Are you all right, Chavo?
Chavo: Oh, Pepe, I loved you.
Eddie: Heís fine, holmes. But if he breaks out in a suit and starts trying to sell you lotion, you let me know, esse.
Dreamer: Of course, Mr. Eddie.
Jericho: Hahahaha. ďMr. Eddie.Ē
Christian: What are you? Some kind of horse?
Orton: HeheheheÖ yeah. Your hair isnít nearly as pretty as mine.
Jericho: Thatís a wig and you know it, Orton.
Tazz: I was just thinkiní he wasnít a natural blonde.
Orton: Yes, I am. Shut up. Leave me alone.

Over in the corner with Benoit and Flair....

Benoit: Did you just hear something?
Flair: Hmm, yeah. Bret - WOO! - By God Hart has been following us for a few days now.
Benoit: Really? Shawn should have finished him off. Or Goldberg.
Flair: No, no. Heís still got one last run in him. But will it be as a face or a heel? Thatís the question. Fate has yet to judge the career of Bret Hart.
Benoit: Thatís probably the most lucid thing youíve said in years. Hmm. So he still wants the title?
Flair: Heís obsessed with it, as a matter of fact. He just canít seem to give up. Montreal, Owen, his run in WCW - now the Undisputed Title. Whoops, Iím all out of caviar! Onward! WOOO!

Flair struts at this revelation and then marches forward. Jericho rolls his eyes and waves for everyone to follow the Nature Boy. They soon come upon a large side room, where the heels used to hide their booze and steroids. Now, thereís just an empty keg with a note on it.

Flair: ďTo whoever finds this: Donít try to drink out of it. Thereís a dead midget inside. Give him a good roll down the hall and into the swamp for us when you have time, wonít you? Thanks, - The WorkersĒ
Tazz: Joey Numbers? Is that you?! OH NO!!

Tazz crumples to the floor weeping.

Orton: Iíve suddenly got a not-so-fresh feeling.
Dreamer: Hey, look! Somebody was writing in their diary right before theyÖ uhÖ died. There sure are a whole lot of dead people in this tunnel.
Flair: Let me see that. ďI canít believe I didnít go ovĒ-yeah yeah. ďIím being treated like a jobberĒ- uh huh. ďOh no! Iím under attack by heels! They found out that I was secretly dabbling in facedom. Also theyíre probably not exactly thrilled that Iím leaking company information and PPV plans. Damn. I think theyíre after me and the midget. HELP! They are coming. - Jeff HardĒ -er, I mean, uh, ďWillie the Worker.Ē Nice of him to sign it before he died.

Chavo suddenly begins playing a sad song with his maracas.

Flair: What in the-WOOO-what in the hell are you doing?
Chavo: Itís a sad day. Jeff Hardy blows his last spot, the Midget dies....
Tazz: Oh, Joey Numbers!
Chavo: And the loss of my beloved Pepe.
Flair: You didnít think that maybe, just maybe, theyíd be able to, WOO, hear us?

Suddenly, the Theme from the Wolfpack starts up in the distance.

Jericho: Dammit! Come on, get ready to fight. Itís the nWo, so theyíre cominí black ninja style. Benoit, Dreamer, Chavo, Eddie, stick behind Flair.

Flair begs off.

Orton: What about me?
Jericho: Just start throwiní RKOs until you donít see nWo guys anymore.
Orton: Oh, great.

Orton runs and hides behind Dreamer. Virgil and Disqo are the first to break through the door and into the room. Jericho and Christian quickly dispatch them with chair shots. Soon, however, the room is filled with wrestlers in black-and-white and black-and-red t-shirts, each patiently awaiting their turn to attack.


With that, Tazz launches himself headfirst into the mob. He winds up buried somewhere inside Scott Norton. Suddenly, a great rumbling is heard outside. Syxx and Jeff Jarrett step to the side, as a huge figure lumbers into view....

Jericho: OhÖ myÖ god.
Christian: Itís The Giant! Go after his knees!

Jericho and Christian swing wildly at his knees, but itís all in vain, as Giant punches their chairs back into their faces. Orton jumps at Giant, trying to get an RKO, but he whiffs, and lands somewhere back down the hallway. With renewed confidence and vigor, the nWo rejoins the assault, but they are held off by the kicks and punches of Los Guerreros, the Kendo stick of Tommy Dreamer, the chops of Chris Benoit, and Ric Flair begging off and then poking them in the eye. Eddie grabs Buff Bagwellís arm and runs along the wall, dropping his legs down onto Scott Steinerís head, flipping them both. However, as things seem to improve for the Fellowship, The Giant grasps Benoit in his meaty claw and holds him high above his head. He then choke slams him down, creating a small hole where Benoit landed.

Flair: NO! No, dammit!!

Eddie and Chavo run at The Giant, but are big booted back down. Suddenly, Randy Orton rises up from the hall and makes another running jump to try to reach Giantís head for the RKO. Just as heís about to miss again, however, Chris Jericho jumps onto Ortonís shoulders and off them, giving him just enough height to nail Giant in the face with the chair. The Giant staggers across the room, stumbles and then falls victim to an RKO out of nowhere.

Orton: Ha-HA! I did it!
Jericho: Great. Great. Oh no! Benoit.

Benoitís lifeless body lies deep within the hole. Somewhere from inside Scott Norton, Tazz weeps. Dreamer runs to Benoitís side.

Benoit: Ow.
Dreamer: Master Benoit! Youíre still alive.
Benoit: Of course I am. I was wearingÖ my mirrored vest.
Jericho: That- what?
Benoit: The mirrors shined some light in Giantís eyes. He didnít get all of the choke slam.
Jericho: Yay?

The nWo Porn Music fills the hallsÖ

Flair: Jesus ChristÖ another one?
Jericho: The damn thing just wouldnít die. And they had like 50,000 members, remember? They even had an nWo in Japan, for Godís sake.
Flair: Japan, huh? Hot damn. Letís make a break for the bridge!
Eddie: Bridge?
Flair: Yeah. Thereís a rope bridge on the way on out of here. Part of the tunnel collapsed into an underground cave in the Ď80s. Barry Horowitz died that day.

They observe a moment of silence.

Jericho: Well, letís not stand around, to the bridge!
Tazz: A little help? I think Iím trappedÖ on a rib, or something.

Eddie and Chavo drag Tazz out from the corpse as they say goodbye to Joey Numbers and trek on toward the bridge. nWo members come crawling literally out of the sides of the tunnel, and Fake Sting even falls from the roof before hanging ineffectively for a while. ThenÖ the nWo stops coming. Konan is even lit on fire before he can go. And somewhere, inexplicably, Lillian Garcia is set ablaze. The walls of the tunnel around the Fellowship suddenly erupt in flame.

Christian: Whatís going on?!
Flair: Itís Kane. An ancient monstrosity. Brother of the Undertaker and son of Paul Bearer. He is a demon not of this world. We accidentally unleashed him one night. Nobody was responding; we told him to go out and kill the crowd. He lit them all on fire, and wrestling was driven out of this area. It was a complete thing. Anyway, heís an old and evil power: he does not sell. We should really get going.

The Fellowship breaks out into a full on run, clotheslining all B-Grade nWo members that get in their way. The Fellowship stumbles out onto the bridge.

Jericho: Damn. This whole bridge is pretty goddamn rickety. Itís never going to hold all our weight.
Dreamer: Well, we canít exactly go one at a time. I mean, Kane, remember?
Christian: New plan. We start chucking people until weíre all across.
Jericho: Excellent. Letís get started!

Jericho, Christian and Orton toss Benoit over to the other side. Then Eddie. Then Chavo. They struggle mightily, but they get Dreamer across. They reach to pick up Tazz.

Tazz: No, no, no, no. I was the Human Suplex Machine. ECW and FTW Champions. No frigginí way Iím letting you pretty boys toss me around like this.
Jericho: Could you put your machismo aside for a sec? Weíre trying to escape from Kane.
Flair: Heís on his way, by the way. Heís lumbering around at the moment, so, take your time?

Tazz tries to jump for it, but he only gets halfway. He reaches over and grabs one of the support ropes, and it snaps. Tazz swings across to the other side and smacks into the opposite wall.

Tazz: Ow.
Jericho: You made it! Hurray!
Orton: Now itís time for....

Jericho and Christian throw Orton into the wall on the other side. He grabs onto Tazz who pulls him up. Jericho and Christian walk across. The Fellowship minus Flair sits down and watches an episode of Scooby Doo on a portable television, before an explosion is heard from the other side of the chasm. Flair begs off as he backs onto the bridge.

Flair: WOO! Kane? KANE! Itís me. The NATURE BOY! And Iím styliní and PROFILINí and youíre not going to be crossing this bridge. You know why? Because if you do, then itís going to mess everything up for the WWE! Iím going to finish this once and for all!
Orton: Yeah! Start what you finished, Ric!
Eddie: Hey, Randy-
Orton: I know. I know.

Kane rambles his way onto the bridge, which tilts dangerously. Flair chops him.

Flair: WOO! Howíd you like that one, fat boy?
Benoit: Ric?
Flair: Thatís right. Come on, Fat Boy! Iím the Dirtiest Player, WOO, in The Game! You canít even beat me! You cannot beat the Nature Boy!

Kane approaches Flair, readying the chokeslam. When he is close enough, Flair drops him with a ball punch, and Kane tips off the edge of the bridge. Flair starts to strut, but Kane grabs the other rope support on his way down and breaks the bridge. Flair flies into the chasm.

Flair: Ooooooooooh-WOOO!-shiiiiiiiiiiii-
Benoit: Oh snap. Ric? This sucks.
Jericho: Well, youíve got one thing going for you, Chris. He wouldnít have died for anyone less than you or Lance Storm.
Benoit: Lance Storm?
Jericho: Yeah. Never mind. Itís just this thing. Come on.
Chavo: Weíre not just going to leave here like this, are we?
Tazz: Whatíre we going to do? Go in after him?
Christian: We could at least send Orton.
Orton: Oh, no. Iím waaaaay too pretty to take up spelunking.
Christian: Where the hell did somebody like you pick up the word ďspelunking?Ē
Orton: Word of the day calendar. It was May 5th.
Christian: Oh.
Chavo: First Pepe, now THIS! I canít believe the kind of week Iím having.

Eddie, Chavo, and Benoit all stumble out of the tunnel in disbelief that the crazy old guy that theyíve been following for weeks now has gone and fallen into an abyss. And not the wrestler, either. An actual, real, honest-to-God abyss. Orton, Jericho, and Christian are completely unaffected, because people are always falling into abysses on RAW. Tazz is stoic, so as to maintain his journalistic integrity. Tommy Dreamer, of course, is bawling.


Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
Promote this thread!
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Honestly, I think Foley's books were a case of "Well, he's retiring soon and we can't make much more money off of him, so let him do what he wants with it." With Austin, he's a regular character (and probably will be for the foreseeable future)...
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