The Lord of the Reign: The Return of the King of the Ring Part III, Chapter Eleven “In Which A Sense of Closure is Finally Reached“
When he awakens, Chris Benoit finds himself at an undisclosed medical facility. Ric Flair sits in the corner hitting on nurses.
Flair smiles. Eddie and Chavo come rushing into the room and they and Benoit dance around for a few minutes!
Eddie: Take his wallet, esse! Chavo: He doesn’t have one! Eddie: That Chris Benoit is so clever!
Tazz comes in and shakes Benoit’s hand, congratulating him on a job well done, brotha. Randy Orton enters, and everyone ignores him. Orton blissfully watches Benoit’s heart rate monitor, asking if anybody wants to play Pong with him. Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit hug, both thrilled to see that their former tag team partner wasn’t nearly as dead as they thought. Finally, Tommy Dreamer enters the room, looking to Benoit with tears in his eyes as he carries a, “Sorry You Almost Got Killed at Wrestlemania, but Thanks for Saving the Business” balloon bouquet.
The month is now June, and Wrestlemania is but a distant memory. In the first King of the Ring tournament in years, Chris Jericho defeats Edge in the Match of the Year, for the crown. Ric Flair presides over the coronation ceremony.
Flair: Congratulations to you, Chris Jericho. You are now the King of the Ring. May you wear the crown with the honor and respect it deserves, brought to it by former Kings like, Haku and Mabel and Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Billy Gunn. On second thought, you know what? Try doing your own thing with it. You’re the leader of the business now. Behold the King WOO by God of the Ring!
The crowd cheers and chants, “Y2J”
Jericho: This is truly a NEW DAY for Sports Entertainment. In the past, this business has been directed by tyrants and money marks. I say no more! Let the wrestlers carve their own path, let us shatter the glass ceiling and push those that deserve to be pushed. And failing that, we can always put the title back on me. Now let’s party!
Chris Jericho soaks in the applause of his fellow workers. As it dies down, he sings this nice Fozzy song:
What happened to all of us? The things we say, our evil ways! Who could we really trust? Our lies and betrayal is why we fail! Can you believe in love? Lost in this world! Can you believe in love? And it's not too late! End of days and there's a full moon rising! End of days and there's a full moon rising again! Who are you, do you really know? What you've become, hollow and numb! A sickness, it eats away! All of your dreams led by your fear! Can you believe in love? Lost in this world! Can you believe in love? And it's not too late! End of days and there's a full moon rising! End of days and there's a full moon rising! Can you believe in love! Lost in this world! Can you believe in love? And it's not too late! Can you believe in love?! Lost in this world! Can you believe in love? And it's not too late! End of days and there's a full moon rising! End of days and there's a full moon rising! End of days and there's a full moon rising! End of days and there's a full moon rising! Can you believe in love?
The crowd cheers again as Jericho rocks out. Jericho surfs out into the crowd, high fiving Stacy, Cena, Edge and Tazz. As he comes to Orton, he gets back to his feet.
Jericho: Randy, Randy, Randy. I don’t know what to say. How the hell did you survive this long? Orton: Because I’m so totally awestastic? Jericho: Must be. Orton: Hey, look! I brought Shane McMahon. Shane McMahon: Congrats on killing my pops. As a reward, here’s something for you.
Trish Stratus comes out from behind Shane and Orton, and she smiles as she pulls out a piece of paper from her bra and hands it to Jericho. It is the obituary of Adam Bomb. Killed by a Chick Kick to the head.
Jericho: That’s awesome. Trish: I killed Bryan Adams while I was at it. Jericho: The singer or the wrestler? Trish: Both. Jericho: Oh Trish, I love you.
They make out. Stacy pouts.
Jericho: Trish Stratus, will you marry me? Trish: Of course! Tazz: A wrestling wedding? Oh great. I give them two months. Tops. Edge: Are you kidding me? They won’t even make it to the wedding before Cena here reveals that he’s already married Trish during a drunken week in Vegas. Cena: Shh…Let’s not spoil it. Jericho: And you, Benoit, Dreamer, Eddie and Chavo. You will be held down, no longer.
Jericho bows before them, and the other wrestlers grudgingly follow suit. Eddie and Chavo pose while Benoit and Dreamer look on in uncomfortable silence. Months further down the road now, Chris Benoit sits on a plane, typing up the last chapter of his autobiography.
Benoit: -and that’s how I single-handedly saved the professional wrestling business, won the hearts of millions of fans with my charm and charisma, and went on to have a successful movie career, got into drugs, went into rehab, and then made a comeback reclaiming my spot as one of the top workers of the industry. Period. No, wait. Exclamation point. No. Tilde Exclamation point. Meltzer: Wow. That’s some story you’ve got there. Benoit: Thanks. Meltzer: But it’s only December, and I don’t remember you ever having stared in any movies or done any drugs. Benoit: Oh that, I’ve gotta Hollywood it up a little bit, you know? Meltzer: Oh, believe me. I do. Hey, have you ever thought about adapting it for the screen? I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy. Benoit: That’d be pretty cool, yeah. Too bad I won’t be around to see how it ends. Meltzer: You won’t? Why’s that? Benoit: I’ve got some place to be.
Alvarez: So this is all your fault?! Meltzer: It seemed harmless at the time! Alvarez: Oh man, if I could do anything but swing my numb arms uselessly at you, you’d be in a whole world of trouble right now, mister. Meltzer: I’m made out of muscle, buddy. You’d only hurt your hand. Alvarez: That’s it. I’m gonna start trying to get some blood back into my hands. I’ll show you want the meaning of pain is.
Alvarez pulls out a butcher knife. Meltzer kips up from his seat, drawing a fencing saber.
Meltzer: I meet you in battle then. Have at thee! Alvarez: You’re a greater foe than I thought, sir. On your guard!
The scene is Smackdown at MSG, where it all begins again. Again. Dreamer, Benoit, Eddie and Chavo all enter to find a very unexpected presence in their little abode.
HHH: Hello, gentlemen. Eddie: What. The. Hell. Esse. Benoit: I thought you got locked up. HHH: Ok, did you seriously think that a guy like me was going to stay in that locker room forever? Or even for a few months? Hell no. I traded some Motorhead entrance music to Malenko in exchange for letting me out, and then Keibler practically begged me to take the franchise off of her hands. And now? Glass ceiling, baby. You all are jobbing to me tonight. Dreamer: Unbefrigginlievable. We save pro-wrestling, and what do we have to show for it? Triple H is back on top. HHH: Yep. That’s how it goes. Sucks to be you guys. Bischoff: Hey, Hunter. Come here! Up on the roof! Big Show is gonna throw Hogan’s body off! HHH: Oh, I’ve gotta see this. I’ll chat with you guys later.
Hunter runs up to the roof.
HHH: I don’t see anything. Bischoff: Maybe you should look closer!
Bischoff tosses Hunter off the roof.
Benoit: Woah! Awesome! What did you do that for. Bischoff: Even I’m sick of the guy. Besides, Jericho offered me, like, 50 bucks to make that happen. HHH: Ow! Bischoff: Huh? HHH: I’m fine. That hurt though. Thanks a lot.
A Hummer drives by, colliding with Hunter and sending him flying across the lot.
HHH: Ow! Damn! I’m gonna miss about three weeks now. Knock it off!
Batista comes by and whomps Hunter with his own sledgehammer. Hunter collapses in a heap, felled by his own weapon. Triple H has fallen.
Batista: I should have been in this MORE! Eddie: Good job, holmes! Chavo: Now we can relax.
Dreamer, Benoit, Eddie and Chavo all sit and have a drink while strippers dance in the locker room. They all look depressed because this isn’t nearly so exciting as getting kidnapped by rappers or fighting Tajiri. Tommy Dreamer stands up and grabs Beaulah and Kimona.
Dreamer: I’m man enough for both of them!
The guys all laugh. Next thing you know, on a scenic point overlooking the Great Salt Lake, Reverend D-Von oversees a ceremony wedding Tommy Dreamer, Beaulah McGillicuty, and Kimona Wanalea in matrimony. When the time comes to kiss the brides, Raven does a run in and DDTs Dreamer into the cake. Chavo and Eddie clear out the presents while everyone else attends to Dreamer. Benoit is now making a few final edits to his book. He closes the laptop and looks into the mirror.
Benoit: How do you know when to quit? When is enough enough? Now that I’ve saved the wrestling industry, is it time for me to hand it off to somebody else? Why am I talking to myself? And where did I get these Hammer pants?
Benoit finally signs the title of the book, “The Lord of the Ring: A Tale of Hardwork, Deception, and Ultimately Hope” by Chris Benoit. Tommy Dreamer walks in.
Dreamer: Hey, Mr. Benoit. Benoit: How’s your face? Dreamer: You can still see the imprints of the two brides and the groom, but other than that, I’d say I’m pretty tasty. Benoit: No comment. Dreamer: That’s a lame title. Benoit: It’s better than “A R.O.A.D. Less Traveled.” Dreamer: Indeed it is. Benoit: There’s one more chapter yet to be written, Tommy. It’s funny, you know? Shawn once told me that eventually, the business would use us up, and that when that time comes, a true wrestler knows when to get out. There will be no more matches for the Heart Break Kid, Tommy. Just one last trip.
Later that week, Chris Benoit pulls up to an old folk’s home, Shawn Michaels begins prancing out to meet him, but shatters a hip. Shawn kips up, shattering the other hip. Benoit pulls him up into the limo, and adjusts Shawn’s baseball cap so that it covers all of the massive bald spot that has captured the top of his head.
Shawn: Where the hell are we going? Benoit: We’re going to Seattle, Shawn. Shane McMahon is going to stick you on a boat and sail you off to Japan. Shawn: Oh. Right. Hey, Chris, you don’t happen to have my belt still, do you. Benoit: No. No. I accidentally threw it out. Shawn: Damn. How about my mirror chaps? Benoit: Those too. Shawn: Remind me never to give you anything anymore. I’m glad I didn’t give you my lucky biker shorts. Benoit: Me too, Shawn. Me too.
The Lord of the Reign: The Return of the King of the Ring Part III, Chapter Twelve “In Which Almost Everybody Sails off into the Sunset“
The limo pulls up to the harbor, and Benoit helps Shawn out. Eddie, Chavo and Dreamer are all waiting.
Shawn: Well, I’ll be damned. Shane, Stephanie and Bradshaw. You’ve come to see me off? Stephanie: We’re out of this dump. American wrestling is for losers, it’s time to try to ruin another market. Shane: Ehem. Stephanie: I mean to say that our reign of terror here is over. It’s best if there are no McMahons at all. And no Bradshaw. Shane: Because, seriously. Flair: WOO! It’s time for me to go too. Nobody wants to see my flabby old ass out there anymore. It’s time to pass the proverbial torch to the next generation, Shawn. Shawn: I guess it won’t be so bad in Japan. Flair: To my little friends, goodbye. I carried this broomstick to more five star matches than you’ll ever have in your entire life. So good luck without me. Losers.
Tears roll down Eddie’s face.
Flair: This is the end of the greatest, WOO, stable in professional wrestling history. It was real fun, but you’ll forgive me if I don’t write. Or call. Come on, Benoit. Dreamer: Benoit? Chris isn’t leaving. Benoit: I was World Champion and I saved American wrestling, Tommy. What the hell else am I going to do? Anything else is pretty much going to be a downer, and it’s not like I’m not going to get held down in three weeks because I can’t cut a promo. But they love me over in Japan. Wild Pegasus in Japan is like David Hasselhoff in Germany. Dreamer: Oh come on, Mr. Benoit. We need your skills! Benoit: You’re the main event now, Tommy.
At this, Chavo and Eddie begin to sob uncontrollably, and huddle together for comfort. Flabbergasted, Tommy Dreamer begins mentally putting together his next big series of matches in which he jobs to Raven. He hugs Benoit.
Shawn: Oh, man! Wait for it! Wait for it!
Dreamer kicks Benoit in the balls.
Shawn: Oh! Heel turn! Awesome!
Dreamer pulls out the Singapore Cane and cracks it across the heads of Chavo and Eddie, and then snaps it over Ric Flair’s back. He pulls out some brass knuckles and opens up on Shane McMahon and Shawn Michaels. When Stephanie tries to pull him off, he throws her off the dock and into the ocean below. Dreamer takes a moment to pose.
Dreamer: I’ve been waiting all this goddamn time to do this to you all. You thought McMahon was bad, wait until you feel the wrath of Dreamer!
Alvarez: That never happened! Meltzer: Is this a knife fight or a movie review? God. The studio wanted me to punch up the ending. I mean, all this time, and it ended with Benoit and those guys sailing away on a boat? How lame is that? Alvarez: But, come on, Dave. Dreamer turning heel doesn’t make sense. Not only that, you can’t just have the heel go over at the end. We’ve spent WAY too long on this to be doing that crap. It’s gotta feel good, you know? Meltzer: This is way more “Art House Chiq”. Alvarez: This better not be the real ending. Meltzer: Fine. No it’s not. We shot this ending for the DVD. The actual ending is about 12 hours longer. Alvarez: Oh my God, no. Couldn’t they all just get on the boat and have it sink? Like Titanic? Meltzer:That never happened. Alvarez: There’s something to be said for brevity. Meltzer: Why start now? En garde!
Meltzer and Alvarez brawl, swords clashing together. Dave gets an opening and runs Brian through. Alvarez steams and convulses for a few seconds, electricity spouting from every hole in his body. Tears stream down Meltzer’s face as his greatest creation begins to fall apart. With his vision clouded by tears, however, he doesn’t notice as Alvarez hits him with a Spear, sending a wave of electricity into Dave’s moist face. Both men lie in one final death grip. Observers will later come to say that it looks like they were making out when Alvarez‘s programming suddenly went nuts, and that this sort of thing happens all the time in Hollywood. The official police documents would call it a “Code 511,” Death by Parody. Dave Meltzer has fallen. Bryan Alvarez has fallen.
Tommy and Benoit hug, and Benoit joins Stephanie, Shane, Shawn, Bradshaw and Ric on the boat and they set off to Japan, leaving the Guerreros and Tommy waving at them from the shore. A few months later, Tommy Dreamer blissfully plays with his children by Beulah and Kimona, little Spanky and Little Akio. Tommy laughs as his children tackle him, and pin him for the three count.
Dreamer: Well, I guess I’m back!
Then, Dreamer tosses his children aside, and runs to a small paddleboat and takes off for Japan, leaving Beulah and Kimona waving children, diapers, and bills in his wake.
Dreamer: So long, suckers!
The Lord of the Reign Epilogue “In Which You Learn a Bunch of Crap“
Wondering what happened to your favorite LOTR Superstars? Well you’re about to find out anyway!
Edge: Edge would eventually go on to marry Stacy Keibler, They made for a lovely couple until it was revealed that Edge was cheating on Stacy with the broomstick. Edge and the broomstick were a completely and totally happy couple, and Edge felt truly blest to have finally met his emotional and charismatic equal. Edge retired from in ring competition to open his own strip club, where he had the happiest retirement ever. One day, while he was closing shop, Edge was attacked and killed by an army of crabs.
Stacy Keibler: After her marriage to Edge was dissolved, Stacy returned to her post as general manager of Smackdown, which she renamed Spinkickdown. The retooled show lasted half a season, before it was cancelled to allow for the airing of a Reality TV show featuring actress Natalie Portman’s knees. The show, “Natalie Portman Kneeds a Break” was a huge critical and ratings success. Lost and alone, Stacy Keibler decided to try to become the first ever WWE Diva to land on the moon. However, on her first flight for NASA, she attempted to exit the shuttle in a miniskirt, and imploded.
John Cena: When Cena returned, he decided that instead of wrestling, he would focus all his energies on creating the most raw, illest CD known to man. Cena’s album, “The Chain Gang Solves the Mystery of the Magic School Bus” was a huge hit with the 4-12 demographic that the rap game has coveted for so long. Soon, Cena was running with Dr. Dre and 50 Cent. Unfortunately, another rap war would break out, and Cena would be shot and killed by his West Coast Rival “The Sunday School Kid”.
Stephanie McMahon: Stephanie found it hard to adjust to life in Japan, where the difference in culture and her lack of power and marketable skills made her ill at ease. Luckily for her, however, Stephanie found work in the lucrative Hentai character modeling and voice-over business. She quickly rocketed up the stratosphere of Japanese models, becoming the most popular Television personality and actress in all of Japan. Unfortunately, her first feature film Godzilla Rapes Stephanie McMahon, which was a major hit, turned out to be a snuff film, and ultimately resulted in her death.
Shane McMahon: Shane McMahon lived a life of luxury in Japan, however, as spoiled rich kids often do, Shane got bored with life in Japan and sailed back out to sea. He wound up back in the United States where he took the fragile remnants of a shattered sport, and recreated it in his own image. Shane’s creation, the XHL (Xtreme Hockey League) was an immediate failure. In an attempt to boost ratings, Shane himself took the ice for a special promotional game. In an attempt to score a goal, Shane dove off an 80 foot ladder through the ice and into the shark tank below. He was eaten, but his team, the Wichita Steve Blackmen scored the goal. The four people who watched that broadcast still refer to it as the most heroic moment in the history of extreme professional hockey.
Raven: Disappointed that his involvement in the angle was limited to playing the part of a bunch of stupid eagles, Raven went to MENSA to gain their support for a takeover of professional wrestling. MENSA agreed to Raven’s dastardly plan, and created the World’s Smartest Wrestling Federation. The WSWF utilized physics and Greek psychological tomes to craft the greatest, most amazing matches in the history of the sport. People came in droves to find out who would win the Schrodinger's Cat match, in which two combatants were locked inside a steel box while the referees argued about whether or not anyone actually got pinned, and to sit in caves while watching reflections of the matches on the walls. The ultimate downfall of this federation, came, however, when The Warrior arrived and held everyone down. Raven tried to stand up to him, but was Gorilla Press Slammed through space time, into an infinitely expanding universe, where he died. Or not.
Shawn Michaels: Shawn learned to love retirement, holding his time in Japan dear. He unretired for one last series of matches, as “Squirrelous McButtonTop,” wearing a squirrel mask in all of his matches. He won the Super J Cup and was widely recognized as the greatest wrestler in all of Japan. He was even elected to Parliament where he wore his mask and spoke on behalf of squirrels of the World. However, he was shamed out when he lost a mask v. fat ass match later that year to Scott Norton, and it was revealed that he wasn’t a great Japanese Squirrel politician at all. Deeply saddened by this revelation, Shawn Michaels performed Hari Kiri, throwing himself through a plate glass window, and into the sea. Gone, but not forgotten, Shawn Michaels is forever immortalized by the mirror chaps Japanese school girls wear any time they go out prancing.
Teddy Long: After Smackdown’s collapse, Theodore Long returned to his first love, Longshore Fishing. Long sailed the seven seas, conquering all waves and staring hurricanes right in the eye. One calm summers day, Long was out on his ship, the S.S. Buhleedat, when he received a radio signal to help a sinking boat. It was a trap, however, and Long was caught in a pirate’s web. Long fought his way on board the Pirate vessel, and killed its captain, taking the vessel for himself. However, as he was dying, the pirate captain cursed the vessel and Long damning them to sail the seas for the rest of their natural lives, never to set foot on land again. True to the pirate’s word, Long and his crew got scurvy the next week and they died at sea.
Rene Dupree: Dupree returned as a hero to his native France, forming his very own wrestling company based entirely on the fame he got for his part in the Lord of the Reign saga. He was a national hero, bigger than Jerry Lewis, bigger than Pepe Le Pew. Dupree cashed in on his stardom, lauching a series of high end artsy restaurants called “Café De Rene”. However, national scandal consumed him, when it was learned that he wasn’t actually French at all. Dupree attempted to prove his heritage by stuttering limited French at the people, but it was too late. The mob had spoken. Dupree left soon thereafter for EuroDisney, where he worked all by himself day after day, until he was beheaded by one of the animatronic pirates on Pirates Des Caraïbes.
Gangrel: Having felt slighted over not appearing at all during the Lord of the Reign Trilogy, Gangrel gorged himself on elf blood and went on a rampage, killing dozens of Kobolds and Orcs along the way. In only a short period of time, he’d gained berzerker strength, +2 to damage when using a broadsword, and a Many Coloured Cloak. His dungeon master was extremely impressed. Unfortuately, when Gangrel went up to spew forth Mountain Dew from his chalice, he choked on it, tripped and died. Oh! Critical miss! He failed his dexterity check!
Trish Stratus: Happy in her new existence as Chris Jericho’s valet for life, Trish Stratus went into fashion, designing clothes for the modern housewife. However, a runway accident left her grotesquely misshapen. Stratus began wearing a mask, and haunting the shows, calling herself the Phantom of the Runway. Chris Jericho was not impressed. Stratus was eventually killed in an epic duel with a former Playboy Playmate, and an opera was written about their duel. Nathan Lane will star.
Stone Cold Steve Austin: Having Stunnered every last one of Vince McMahon’s army in San Diego, Austin thought that he might at least get a Wrestlemania cameo. Alas, it was not to be and poor Austin got back into his pickup truck and drove. He continued driving, searching for more people to Stunner, and more beer to drink. It was his life. It was his obsession. Then, one day, Austin drove right into the ocean, and drowned. What?
Eddie Guerrero: Eddie continued to wrestle competitively well into his 80s, at which point the was so revered and honored, that he accepted a place in the Cauliflower Alley Club. After he’d looted the place clean, Eddie left California, and returned to Texas to live out the end of his days in peace. When he heard, however, that the Smackdown World Title was on the waist of an unbeatable champion, he laced his boots up one last time and got into the ring.
Chavo Guerrero: Chavo Guerrero returned home to Texas after the Lord of the Reign to give himself a respite, however, with all the turmoil in the wrestling community, Chavo decided that it was in the best interest of everyone if he return and use his name value to bring in fans of all walks of life. However, he was immediately fired by MENSA when they took control because he wasn’t smart enough to wrestle for them. He returned, under a mask as “El Brain” and took WSWF by storm. He continued on as WSWF Champion even long after the organization had folded, until one day, he was challenged by a young masked buck named “Black Tiger”. El Brain and Black Tiger had an epic ***** wrestling battle, back and forth, back and forth until both men, out of breath with hips broken after the grueling two minute match, could not continue. Suddenly, their eyes were opened, and they recognized each other for who they truly were. They laughed, they cried, and then they died. Old people shouldn’t wrestle.
Tazz: Already having conquered the midget wrestling and midget announcing scenes, Tazz went in search of more competition. At the Dave Meltzer Memorial Midget Mixed Martial Arts Matchathon (the DMMMMMAM), Tazz destroyed all comers, and even some audience members. Having conquered every midget field possible, Tazz went back to Hollywood to become an actor. He would take Kenny Baker’s spot as R2D2 in “Star Wars: The Musical” which was a runaway nationwide hit, and he would play Christian in the Broadway run of “Phantom of the Runway“. After this, he was approached by Randy Orton to help run Orton’s new wrestling federation. Tazz went to Orton’s aid, and the two friends were inseparable for twenty years. When police found Tazz had choked himself out, one officer was heard to remark, “I’m surprised he lasted this long. I talked to that guy for five minutes and I‘m about ready to join him.”
Randy Orton: Randall Q. Orton the Third took his rightful spot on top of the card after Chris Jericho left the wrestling business. Armed with his salad helmet and stunning good looks, Orton almost single handedly drove American wrestling into the ground. One day, Orton’s life changed completely, when he was walking through the remains of the Staples Center and found the charred remains of a little stuffed animal.
Orton: Hi there, little guy, what’s your name? Bearet: I’m Bearet Hart, and I find my fate to be unBEARable. Orton: Do you want to be my friend? Bearet: No! You just want to screw me like everyone else! Orton: Who? Me? Randy Orton doesn’t screw nobody for nothin’! Bearet: That’s not what I heard! Orton: Quiet you!
Orton would go on to found the Stuffed Bears Wrestling Federation (SBWF), which would quickly become the most highly rated wrestling television show in history. Orton and his business partner Tazz would crash the bears together while making noises, and the crowds would go wild. That is until one fateful day at SBWF SomeBearSlam in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, when Bearet Hart (who was leaving the company to join rival Carebears Pro-Wrestling) refused to put over HBearK. How Orton got the black eye, no one will ever know, but audiences agreed that things just weren’t the same, especially with creepy Bearker T in the main event scene. Things got even worse after Tazz left. Orton continued to perform in front of empty arenas, until he ran out of cash and could no longer afford to pay his performers. The bears revolted, and Orton was found dead, buried under a pile of angry looking stuffed animals.
Ric Flair: Bored with seeing the same women over and over again in Japan, Flair took to the continents to find new conquests. He met one sexy young thing in his travels, telling her he was Chris Benoit. He promised to take her for a ride on Space Mountain (fat boy wooo!). While they were buying tickets for the park, Flair spotted Rene Dupree sweeping the sidewalks, and fearing that his cover would be blown, he chopped the young lady and put her in the Figure Four. If Flair wouldn’t have been completely wasted, he would have seen that his “sexy young thing” was actually Chyna. She powered out of the Figure Four and ate Flair. In a séance later that year, Flair’s ghost would claim that it was the best day of his life. WOO!
Tommy Dreamer: Tommy Dreamer never made it to Japan. He was eaten by sea lizards. At his funeral, Francine, Beulah, and Kimona threw his casket off a 30 foot high wall into a ravine full of flaming tables. Attendees had to admit, it was the most hardcore funeral they’d ever been to.
Chris Jericho: Chris Jericho lived a wonderfully happy life, filled with joy and boobies, until his wife’s accident drove her crazy. After that, Jericho’s control over his own wrestling company began to slip, and his crown as king of the ring became less King Haku and more King Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Jericho was even known to yell “Hoooo!” at random intervals during the day. However, Jericho’s insanity made him an incredible lyricist, and Fozzy finally had a platinum record. Jericho’s confidence was restored and he stood atop both the wrestling and music worlds for many years, having untold success and becoming more beloved even than President Eric Bischoff or Senator ALF (R, Melmac). Jericho lived a life of luxury and glamour, and eventually, he fulfilled his destiny bringing wrestling back to its former glory. His mission finally complete, Jericho retired to a villa in the south of France, where he was killed by a time traveling, alternate universe Adam Bomb. French bread and Juicy Juice was served at his funeral.
Chris Benoit: The greatest wrestler of all time was given a hero’s welcome in Japan. He was given offers from every major Japanese company to come in and be the top star and champion. And he took them all. In 40 days, Benoit wrestled 72 matches, machine gunning his way (figuratively, not literally) through all comers. On the 40th day, he defeated Kane in a 72 minute match for the Undisputed World Championship of Japan. He then continued his quest, moving from region to region, across the world and later the galaxy, winning every major title, and unifying the world of professional wrestling, together with Chris Jericho making it the profitable business that it should be. One December day, when Jesus Christ came down from heaven to bring forth Armegeddon, Chris Benoit pinned him with a German Suplex with a Bridge in 25 minutes. Christ shook his head after the match and got on the mic proclaiming, “Brothers and sisters, I tell you the truth, Chris Benoit is the frigging man! I mean, he totally beat me, dudes! I guess the end of the world is off! Who wants to party down on the beach?” During Jesus’ beach bash, Chris Benoit disappeared in a flash of white light, and he was never heard from again. Truly, he has taken his place among the immortals.
IT‘S FINALLY OVER!
Thank you. This has been a thoroughly amazing experience. I hope you’ve enjoyed a slightly…different take on the WWE and Lord of the Rings. It took a year and a couple rewrites, but now it’s done and it’s out there. I’d really be interested in hearing what you thought, so feel free to post your thoughts.
In any event, there’s a few thanks that must be made:
-To Rick for his description, linking and photoshoppery, and for hosting it (to CRZ too on that). -To Jeb Lund for his tireless work editing the first and second parts. -To everybody who voted in that poll last year, forgot about it, and then read it anyway -To everybody that made it all the way through the damn thing (and even to those that only read a few parts) -To J.R.R. Tolkien, who is surely rolling over in his grave right now -To Peter Jackson for putting together a movie version which was much more suitable for parody. -To Vince McMahon for doing the thing with those guys
Now I must go and take a long shower. Join us next week when I parody the collected works of Shakespeare!
(edited by Excalibur05 on 13.5.05 2353) Tonight I wanna ruin my life, I wanna throw it all away, In a spectacular way
Matt, I finished reading all 16 parts of the trilogy and as a fan of the Lord Of The Rings motion pictures, I think this is your best work yet, and this is from a fan of your work. It had been a while since I had seen the movies, so I had to think of who went with who (before going into the threads here and seeing how people were able to match them quickly) but everything was incredibly entertaining.
Good stuff, man. Now, it's on to the Kill Bill parodies. Right? :)
Good day once again. This is your resident Line man speaking, welcoming you to this edition of the Raw Lines. Raw Lines: February 23, 2004 New readers, and those with bad short term memory alike, this one is for you.