The International Wrestling Syndicate is proud - scratch that - delighted – no, not really - mortified? - sounds good let’s run with it - to announce that our retarded little stepbrother Inter Species Wrestling will be putting on a show called Slamtasia next Saturday, March 3rd, 2007 at Bogey’s World in Montreal, Quebec, CANADA.
God have mercy on us all.
Slamtasia Card Quick and Dirty Saturday, March 3rd, 2007 Bogey’s World, Montreal, Quebec, CANADA 3250 Cremazie East, corner of Cremazie and St-Michel (Near the St-Michel Metro)
There will be a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT! The Badd Boys will be in the house! Sexxxy Eddy vs. Kenny the Bastard vs. King Sphinx Zombified vs. El Generico Max Boyer vs. Michael Von Payton The Kid Kamikaze Invitational Number Three Dream Partners Tag Match: Moohammad and Mystery Partner vs. Flip D. Berger and To Be Announced Coal Miner's Glove Match: Twiggy vs. Fred La Merveille Kill Uno II: Kevin Steen vs. Player Uno ISW Title Casket Match: Viking vs. Izzie Deadyet
Slamtasia Detailed Preview
I blame Jacques Rougeau Jr. Technically Inter Species Wrestling draws its inspiration from Beef Wellington and his famous match against a bear at V in June 2004 (also Kaiju Big Battle and CHIKARA and Japan’s Dramatic Dream Team), but Beef drew his inspiration for the match from Jacques’ wrestling bear with a weak bladder. Now, I suppose Jacques can not be blamed for Beef’s odd sense of humour. On the other hand, Jacques was responsible for training Beef or at least taking Beef’s money to be trained. My point is that the man had an opportunity to stop this nonsense in its tracks and DID NOTHING!
So, I blame Jacques Rougeau Jr. for Slamtasia.
It is important to have someone to blame, because when the Badd Boys get in the ring, people wind up getting hurt. We do not yet know who the brothers Badd’s designated victims will be. I hope that they have supplemental medical insurance, because Canada’s free Medicare can only do so much.
Will there be a medic in the house? I hope that we will have one at the show, preferably in the audience for Twiggy and Fred la Merveille’s Coal Miner’s Glove match, a match so violent, so brutal that it effectively ended Jake the Snake Robert’s career in WCW. I do not know if Montreal is ready for the horror of this match.
Prepare to be horrified, because this show will not be for the faint of heart. You have to question the sanity of the organizers of any wrestling promotion who ask MOI to be their ring announcer, especially when I have already done it for them twice and flamed out by the numbers both times. Even worse than that, these bozos have decided to entrust me with a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT THAT WILL – apparently their Caps Lock button is broken – CHANGE THE FUTURE OF THE ISW forever. (Forever is not worth capitalizing?)
Always capitalizing on any chance to put himself over at the expense of others, Kid Kamikaze will be hosting his third-ever Kid Kamikaze Invitational. No doubt he will once again be unveilling even more submissions so inventive and obscure that even Mike Quackenbush has no name for them.
We have no names for the partners of Moohammad, the terrorist cow and Flip D. Berger, the McJobber as these two rivals resume their feud. I know that according to all rules of civilized behaviour I should be siding with Flip D. Berger in this fight. After all, Moohammad is a self-professed terrorist. And yet, can you blame him? How would you feel seeing your friends, your parents, your brothers, your sisters, your children, an entire bovine generation carted away to be tortured, killed and ground into so many trans-fat, heart-attack inducing, cancer-causing, undercooked e-coli ridden beef patties? Especially by a grinning buffoon like Flip D. Berger! Let’s be honest here people: No one should be as happy with their mind numbing McJob as this guy is. BUS FI WAHAD MOOHAMMAD I say.
Did I say busty? One of the oddest things about the ISW is the huge number of beautiful, busty women who come to their shows. So much so that I am reliably told that Sexxxy Eddy drops his usual price for ISW as a result. This distraction might also explain why Eddy has never won a match in the ISW. But ISW management is doing their best to give Eddy a win… by putting him in a three-way dance with two other guys who have never won a match in the ISW: Kenny the Bastard and King Sphinx. One of these three will have to win… and then pigs will fly.
Impossible as it is to believe, the ISW will actually be putting on a match between two wrestlers who will have an actual honest to God wrestling match. (I know, how did that sneak through? Someone must have been asleep on the booking committee.) And continuing the miracles, it is between two of the best in Quebec: “Canadian Dynamite” Maxime Boyer and the Pride of the Outaouais, Michael Von Payton. Maxime Boyer will no doubt be looking to prepare for his big match at the Medley, March 24th at Un F’N Sanctioned 2007 where he will team up with the NWA World Heavyweight Champion, Christian Cage to face off against Pierre Carl Ouellet and “Paranoid” Jake Matthews, (buy your tickets today!) but he had better not be looking past MVP, because if he disrespects the big man, MVP will kill him.
I am going to have a view to a kill. Like the Bond film, ISW will be giving us a sequel of sorts when they present Kill Uno II. Now I have to say that I am not in favour of Uno dying at all, except of course that he dies in such wonderfully, entertaining ways. He reminds me of the golden days when Don Bluth’s Dragon’s Lair was first released and I used to pump entire rolls of quarters into the machine, not to win, winning Dragon’s Lair was easy. No, I wanted to see all the various ways that that stupid knight could die, because like Uno he could really die in a very amusing gruesome ways. And no one in Quebec is better at inflicting death in gruesomely entertaining ways, than the great Red Dragon of Quebec wrestling, “Mister Wrestling” Kevin Steen.
Wait a minute, did I say that I was going to be ring announcing? And did I also say that Kenny the Bastard is going to be here? DAMN IT! He is going to hump my leg isn’t he? I just had my white suit dry-cleaned. I am going to end up with New Zealand lizard spunk all over me. CRAP!
Which reminds me of what you have to scrape off the bottom of your shoes after you go for a walk in the park. And that “moo” of distaste that you are making is exactly the way that Beef Wellington feels about Giant Tiger. How exactly these two – well men, sort of – will clash at Slamtasia remains to be seen. One thing is certain, Giant Tiger ruined Beef Wellington’s childhood and for that crime Giant Tiger will surely pay. Oh yes, he will. Not to mention the crime of trying to return one of Beef’s shirts for a refund. Unfortunately, being Giant Tiger, he will probably pay wholesale rather than retail.
I do not know where you stand on the great debate of our times. Are you in favour of the traditional ground and pound zombies? Do you believe in the hyped on speed super-fast zombies? Are you one of the rare proponents of the "Send... more... paramedics. ..." talking zombies? Well ISW refuses to take a stand so they book all of them. In fact it sometimes seems that King Zombie Gorelust has an even bigger army at his beck and call every show that ISW gives. Inter Species Wrestling, the only promotion where the cast routinely outnumbers (and eats) its audience.
Representing the methamphetamine zombie crowd is Zombiefied. He is the brother by an undead mother of the IWS 2006 Rookie of the Year, Stupefied. Trying to fend off his attack will be El Generico. Normally, I would be worried about Zombiefied’s opponent. Not only do you have to beat this super-fast zombie, but you can’t let him bite you or bleed on you or sneeze on you or scratch you. Fortunately, El Generico is a PHD graduate of the El Santos School of Monster Control, a special academy for masked wrestlers based in Generico’s hometown of Tijuana, Mexico. El Generico has told me that he has recently taken a refresher course on zombies and he is confident of his ability to handle Zombiefied. Actually, he said “OLE!”, but it was the way that he said it…
For traditionalists, Izzie Deadyet is your ground and pound zombie more suited to a brawl than a foot race. And a brawl is what he will get when he faces everyone’s favourite beer-soaked frenchie, the ISW and ISW champion, Viking. Appropriately for a match featuring the undead, this match will be fought under casket match rules. I researched the subject for oh all of about thirty seconds and I was able to determine that this is the first casket match ever to be held in Canada… featuring a zombie… and a guy named Viking.
That’s your Slamtasia preview. You have been warned.
Further warning: Absolutely do not click on the following two links which are promos for the assorted weirdness of Slamtasia. I have been threatened that even more promos will be unleashed on the world next week. Avoid turning on your computer to be spared the horror, the horror…
Our retarded little step-brother, Inter-Species Wrestling, will be hosting a show called Slamtasia, Saturday, March 3rd, 2007 at Bogey’s World Bar & Billiard, 3250 Cremazie East (corner of Cremazie and St-Michel near the St-Michel metro), Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:00pm, show starts at 8:00pm, tickets are $10. No reserved seating. 18+, card and times subject to change. For more information go to www.beyondthebarn.org or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org .
The IWS proudly presents: Un F’N Sanctioned 2007, Saturday, March 24th, 2007, at the beautiful downtown Medley, 1170 St-Denis, near the Berri-UQAM Metro. Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:30 PM, show starts at 9 PM. VIP tickets are $30, Regular tickets are $25. VIP ticket holders admitted first. VIP tickets are almost sold out so order them today. No reserved seating. Tickets can be purchased online at http://www.ticketpro.ca or in person at the Medley box office. 18+ Card and times subject to change. For more information go to www.syndicatewrestling.com or e-mail Llakor@hotmail.com .
Un F’N Sanctioned Card to date:
Dan Paysan will defend his IWS Canadian title Battle of 2.0: Jagged vs. Shane Matthews Quebec Rules Match: Fred la Merveille vs. Shayne Hawke IWS Tag Team Title match: Mean and Green (Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom) vs. the Hardcore Ninjaz IWS Title match: Viking vs. Necro Butcher NWA World Heavyweight champion Christian Cage and “Canadian Dynamite” Maxime Boyer vs. Pierre Carl Ouellet and “Paranoid” Jake Matthews