The International Wrestling Syndicate wishes to advise the public that our surgically detached, hideously deformed evil mutant formerly co-joined twin step-brother, Inter-Species Wrestling, has escaped from the sanatorium where we had it confined and they will be presenting a public travesty that they mockingly and with little or no regard to truth in advertising refer to as a “Wrestling Show”.
It takes place this Sunday evening at Foufounes Electriques (87 Ste-Catherine East near the St-Laurent Metro).
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
ISW Love Hurts Card Quick and Dirty Sunday, February 24th, 2008 Foufounes Electriques 87 Ste-Catherine East Montreal, Quebec, CANADA
Inter-Species Wrestling Title Match: ISW Champion Viking vs. Player Uno vs. Zombified vs. "Mr. Wrestling" Kevin Steen
MVP: Michael Von Payton vs. Kenny The Bastard
I'M IN LOVE!: Sexxxy Eddy vs. Steve
Inter Species Scramble IV: McGoths (Bloodlust McGoth and Spooky McGoth) vs. Untouchables (Jimmy Stone and Dan Paysan) vs. When Animals Attack (Moohammad and the Iron Sheep) vs. The Walking Dead (Kraven and Izzy Deadyet)
Teacher vs. Student: El Generico vs. Twiggy
F*cked Up Match: Beef Wellington vs. Giant Tiger II
Kid Kamikaze Invitational IV aka Obligatory Wrestling Match: Kid Kamikaze vs. Max Boyer
Not that the words “ISW” “brain” “trust” and “manage” should ever be used in the same sentence but to properly understand how the ISW brain trust manages their shows, they employ the worst wrestling ring announcer in the Galaxy – which is to say me.
(I used to be the worst ring announcer in the world but a lisping epileptic crab creature on Alpha Centauri died recently and I got promoted...
Originally, in a rare moment of sanity, ISW management were planning on getting Stinky the Homeless Guy to do the announcing. Stinky damaged his knee diving for a quarter and in theory was available for non-physical work, but he turned down the gig. I would like to say that they begged me to do the job, but the truth is I was the one doing the begging. No, I have no pride.
So what matches do I get to announce?
Well, let’s start with the man whose press releases fawningly describe him as “Ontario’s Greatest Wrestler”, Michael Von Payton, M.V.P. Let’s be clear - the man is a physical specimen, not to mention a highly skilled old school wrestler. It is also just within the realm of possibility that M.V.P. is as good as he thinks he is. But to prove that, M.V.P. will have to beat everyone’s favourite leg humping lizard, Kenny the Bastard. Now in ISW, Kenny has never scored a victory, but unless you believe that the ISW Kenny is the Earth-One Kenny and the IWS Kenny is the Earth-Two Kenny, they are the same guy – lizard – thing. And Kenny is coming off a huge IWS win against Damian in the God of War’s retirement match, so if I were M.V.P. I wouldn’t be penciling down the “W” in my record book just yet.
The Badd Boys (Brad and Chad Badd) will be making an appearance at ISW. Hopefully, they will have a match. Originally, they were scheduled to face an up and coming young Ontario tag team who cancelled the booking as soon as they heard who they would be facing faster than a WCW superstar calling in sick when they saw their name next to Vader on the booking sheets. The ISW is currently looking for a replacement team.
In order to meet the minimum standards to be able to advertise themselves as a wrestling show, each ISW show must feature one actual wrestling match. Almost always this content is provided by Kid Kamikaze’s Kid Kamikaze Invitational. This time around the wrestler invited to attempt to defeat the - unbeaten in the ISW Kid Kamkaze - is one of Quebec’s finest technical wrestlers: Max Boyer. This is a match where I am certain it will be an honour to announce the winner.
The rematch between Beef Wellington and Giant Tiger on the other hand – not so much – an honour to announce the winner that is. For those new to ISW allow me to explain that the feud between Beef Wellington and Giant Tiger is built around the fact that – and there is no way to explain this other than just to say it – Giant Tiger has been repeatedly fornicating Beef’s father and Beef is understandably upset about it. According to the stipulations of this match if Giant Tiger wins, he gets 73 hours with Beef; while if Beef wins, he Quote “he frees his father’s asshole from the wrecking ball known as Giant Tiger’s cock” Unquote.
(I could not make this up if I tried.)
I have been informed by ISW management that a wrestler known only as “Intermission” will be making an appearance at Love Hurts but I have yet to be informed in what capacity he will be appearing.
Maintaining the tradition of the Inter-Species Scramble Tag matches where almost literally anything can happen, Love Hurts will feature the fourth of these scrambles and appropriately enough four teams will look to win this fourth edition. Making their ISW debuts are the perky preppy duo the McGoths accompanied as always by their manager OZ.
(No, I haven’t seen them yet. Heard good things. Looking forward to it.)
Also in action in this match will be When Animals Attack bringing together the Terrorist Cow, Moohammad and his mentor, the former World Champion, the Iron Sheep. Hopefully, Moohammad can keep the Sheep from taking his special medicine until after the match is over. Confronting the authentic animals will be the ersatz Italians, the Untouchables, Dan Paysan and Jimmy Stone.
The final team in the match are brought to you by George Romero’s Diary of the Dead bringing you the slow stumbling eat your brains zombies since 1968. The Walking Dead consist of Kraven (as in Kraven your brain – no Zombies can’t spel) and Izzy Deadyet, managed as always by Gore.
Just as a personal comment, it has always been obvious to me that under no circumstance should you ever EVER turn your back on Giant Tiger. Did not realize that the same rule applied to ISW’s latest addition Steve. Nope. Did not see that coming at all. I hope that - the enamored with Steve - Sexxxy Eddy will realize what I learned the hard way before it’s too late.
The ISW’s Air Guitar Hero, Twiggy, is well-known to the fans. Few know however that Twiggy was trained originally by El Generico. At Love Hurts, Student will try to surpass Teacher as Twiggy clashes with El Generico. If you have ever wanted to see Bon Jovi get into a brawl with the Bouncing Souls, this match will be… nothing like that at all.
Scheduled for the main event is a fatal four-way for the ISW title pitting the ISW Champion, the alcoholic anarchist Viking against the most decorated wrestler in independent Canadian wrestling, “Mr. Wrestling” Kevin Steen against Steen’s frequent victim and rival Player Uno against the anti-Romero, fast as a hiccup, rip your head off and use your skull as a bowling ball, more of a plague victim than a zombie, zombie known as Zombiefied.
Zombiefied has been thrust into this match by his manager Gore as punishment for failing to come to the aid of Izzy Deadyet and the rest of the Walking Dead in their casket match against Viking at ISW Slamtasia – a match that ended with the entire Walking Dead (except Zombiefied) stuffed into a casket by Viking who used a double knee stomp from the top rope to drive the splintered shards of the casket lid into the furious zombies. Zombiefied must prove his worth to Gore by winning the title. This will not be easy in a match featuring some of independent wrestling’s best young talent.
Player Uno and Kevin Steen have issues related to their matches known only as “Kill Uno” and “Kill Uno Two”. Not sure why Player Uno would have a grudge over that. Reportedly, Kevin Steen is pissed that he has yet to exhaust Uno’s seemingly unlimited reservoir of extra lives.
Steen and Viking have a violent history outside of ISW, Uno much less so. Neither Steen nor Uno have much history with Zombiefied, but then Zombiefied hates the living and I have a shrewd idea that Uno and Steen aren’t likely to embrace a wrestler as a friend when his goal is to pin you, kill you and eat your brains… roughly in that order.
Inter-Species Wrestling Love Hurts this Sunday at Foufounes Electriques. Be there or Giant Tiger will repeatedly consensually fornicate your father.
-Llakor Announcer Extraordinaire - Inter Species Wrestling
Rotchy called me Extraordinaire. I think he means “ordure” not “ordinaire” as in: Llakor – Announcer Extra-Shitty
Tickets for Love Hurts are $12 at the door, but you can also buy a bundle of a ticket for Love Hurts and a VIP ticket for the next IWS show Know Your Enemies March 22nd for $25. That’s an IWS VIP ticket for only $13, a savings of $7!
Inter-Species Wrestling should be arrested for presenting Love Hurts, Sunday, February 24th, 2008 at Foufounes Electriques, 87 Ste-Catherine Est, (near the corner of Ste-Catherine and St-Laurent, near the St-Laurent metro) Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:00 pm, show starts at 8:00 pm, tickets are $12. 18+, card and times subject to change (we should be so lucky). For more information go to www.beyondthebarn.org or write to email@example.com .
The IWS presents: Know Your Enemies, Saturday, March 22nd, 2008 at Bogey’s World Bar & Billiard, 3250 Cremazie Est (corner of Cremazie and St-Michel near the St-Michel metro), Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:30 pm, show starts at 9:00 pm, tickets are $20 for VIP, $15 for Regular. 18+, card and times subject to change. For more information go to www.syndicatewrestling.com or e-mail Llakor@hotmail.com .
The IWS presents: Scarred For Life, Saturday, April 26th, 2008 at Bogey’s World Bar & Billiard, 3250 Cremazie Est (corner of Cremazie and St-Michel near the St-Michel metro), Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:30 pm, show starts at 9:00 pm, tickets are $20 for VIP, $15 for Regular. 18+, card and times subject to change. For more information go to www.syndicatewrestling.com or e-mail Llakor@hotmail.com .
IWS fans in Germany can now pick some of our best shows from a fed almost as crazy and blood-thirsty as us: wXw. With our permission, they are making available the following shows to German (and European) fans: Un F’N Sanctioned 2003 Medley show Un F’N Sanctioned 2005 Medley show Un F’N Sanctioned 2006 Medley show Un F’N Sanctioned 2007 Medley show Blood, Sweat and Beers 2007 Medley show Scarred for Life 2005 Steen vs. Damian Blood, Sweat and Beers 2005 Steen vs. Damian II Summer Slaughter 2007 Steen vs. Damian III Hardcore Heat 2006 Steen vs. Viking
I find it funny that people who like something as decidedly low-brow as professional wrestling still like to get on their high-horse to act above it all. C'mon, this is just wrestling, not a women's lib. issue.