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The W - Guest Columns - Join Us for Satire Theatre on 3/22/05
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Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
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Last Week: Jake The Snake Roberts was apparently hard up for cash so he jobbed to Randy Orton. Continuing the theme of “Why Aren’t These Guys Retired?” The Rockers won their first match in decades. And in other news, Abe Orton joined Evolution? Maybe? Who will join…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Rob Conway (w/ Sylvain Grenier) v. Shawn Michaels

Really, THIS is a dream match right there. Honestly, I think they should just induct Grenier into the Hall of Fame right now. Why wait? Shawn should, of course, have no problem destroying this lesser foe like a Level 21 Paladin slaying a horde of Level 3 Kobolds, but Shawn isn’t a huge nerd. And plus his powers got stolen all those weeks ago. We are deep within the Passion of the Shawn, folks, and things are getting ugly. See how he sells for a tag wrestler from Heat? All the prancing in the world isn’t going to save him now.

(ads)

And they’re still at it. Shawn can’t even beat him before the commercial break. The Shawn Michaels of today is at the level of a Maven. He’ll never beat Kurt Angle at this rate, unless included on Kurt’s “To Do List of Things Shawn Michaels Has Done” is “Lose your powers and become unable to quickly beat jobbers”. Speaking of, didn’t he have trouble with Marty? Hell, it’s already starting! At this rate, both guys are going to collapse against each other’s lack of power at the opening lockup at Mania. Shawn hit’s the super kick to FINALLY end this mess at…what? Like eight minutes? Shawn is really in bad shape.

Here’s a video package on Kurt Angle. Man, that was one classy dude when he had hair. Now he’s just another bald guy with neck problems. Look for Sheriff Kurt Angle coming to Smackdown next year!

Tajiri, William Regal, Christie Hemme and Lita are wandering around backstage.

Tajiri: You suck!
William Regal: Tajiri’s still on the mark. Lita, I thought you were supposed to be training this poor young girl.
Lita: I am. Totally. Christie knows, like, three moves now.
Christy Hemme: Four if you count begging for mercy.
LT: Four whole moves!
WR: Well, go put your ring gear on then, let’s see what you’ve got.
CH: This is my ring gear.
WR: You’re wearing some duct tape, string and a garter belt.
CH: We’re having a pillow fight match, right?
TJ: Yes. In my pants.
WR: Not now, Tajiri. We’re definitely not having a pillow fight, my dear. We’re having an actual real match. It’s something we like to do occasionally around here called “wrestling”. You really should invest in some more proper attire.
CH: Lita told me this would be fine.
LT: The less padding the better!
TJ: I’m with Lita!

(ads)

Sylvester Stallone will be inducting Hulk Hogan into the Hall of Fame, ensuring that, along with Sheik and Piper, this will be the most unintelligible hour of television you will ever have watched, followed very closely by the first hour of last week’s RAW. Who, you may ask, will be inducting Paul Orndorf? You guessed it. Frank Stallone.

William Regal, Tajiri, and Christy Hemme (w/ Lita) v. Team Heat~!

Team Heat, of course, is Maven, Nova and Molly Holly, who are just happy to be out there tonight. Well, except Molly because she knows what’s about to go down. Trish wanders out as Lawler decides to talk all about his new issue of Leg Fancy and J.R. debates whether or not the entrance ramp is made out of riblets, which, admittedly are both nobler pursuits than watching Team Heat soak up TV time and Christy flail about. Molly stubs her toe, which is just the opening Christy needed to accidentally hit Molly in the back with a kick. Christy wins. But really, the real winners are Team Heat. Way to be on RAW, guys.

HHH is storming around backstage looking for whoever hid his water. Was it you Randy Orton’s Fat Cousin? No, it wasn’t him. Hopefully Hunter will have this mystery solved after these….

(ads)

And now it’s time for Triple H Theatre brought to you be the McLaughlin Fund, Nibblins Public Trust, and Viewers Like You!

Triple H: Oh, hello there. You caught me unawares. I guess though, with my entrance music blaring, and the fact that I just made my entrance with the spotlights and the water, that it was time for Triple H Theatre. What? The water you ask? Oh, yes. I found it. Turns out it was in my bag. Who’d have guessed, eh? Hahahahahaha…(snort). Yes, well, let’s continue, shall we? Mr. Flair, if you would please dim the lights a bit.
Ric Flair: That’s why you’re the champ. WOO!
HHH: Yes, yes. That’s much better, thank you. Welcome to Triple H Theatre! As you know, I am your host Hunter Hearst Helmsley. I’m here to tell you a tale of exceptional daring-do, starring a man who many thought to be a monster. I refer of course to Mr. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”. Before he met me, Dave was nothing but a poor lowly child, begging for coins from the audience to feed his starving body. Now look at him. He’s a growing young buck on his way to soap box car races and main eventing Wrestlemania. It is with heavy heart, then, that I tell you the next part of this tale, the part where I say that despite all my successes, Dave could never stand to follow me. He always did have a desire to learn. I taught him to play catch, showed him how to play his favorite computer games like Lemonade Stand, Number Munchers, and Leisure Suit Larry. But now, Dave has abandoned me, told me he doesn’t want my toys or games any longer, that he wants to be his own man and cook his own Easy Mac and Pop Tart sandwiches. That truly does break my heart, fellow travelers. To think that such a man, my own child…kinda…would do this to the man that raised him. It’s a despicable matter, would you not agree? He’s just like Randy Orton like that, except that Dave, at least, has a grasp on parts of the English language. Well, the ending to this story isn’t a good one. After he loses at Wrestlemania, he’ll be like Tony Schiovane, announcing Braves games for local radio. And nobody, not even the local city hall will be listening. Finis.
RF: WOO!

(ads)

Edge and Chris Tian (w/ Tyson Tomko and The Goatee) v. Chris Jericho and Shelton Benjamin

Edge and Christian don’t look thrilled to be teaming again. They share a glance as if to say, “Oh man, I’m back down to THIS again? Look at that moron I’ve got to work with.” Tomko, however, is thrilled, because this is the best gig he and the Goatee have had in years. He’s the new Rhyno. Missing in action? Old Rhyno, who is sitting at home polishing the ECW World and TV titles. Everybody goes flying around, randomly crashing into each other to start, which is good news, because that’s about the only way they’re going to make it through the ladder match at Mania. Jericho crashes last, but it’s into Tomko, so I don’t think that counts.

(ads)

They’ve settled down and decided to have a “match” which…Ok…fine…whatever. Shelton cleans house. There ain’t no stoppin’ him…NAH! Or there wouldn’t be if he’d gotten that extra life last week. Instead, there’s nothing to stop Christian from nailing him in the face with the I.C. title. Edge and Christian win. For their five second pose, Tomko jams a ladder in Chris Jericho’s face. Two weeks out and the guy whose used the ladder the most isn’t in the actual match. Wait…if Tomko gets the stylish briefcase, does he win? What about WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda? He deserves a good push. Chris Benoit shambles out, proving once again that yes, he does exist.

(ads)

Ric Flair is back in what appears to be the Heat locker room. Nova, Coach, Iron Chef Wrestling, Chris Masters, La Resistance, Abe Orton, Hassan and Daivari, Viscera, Some Geese, The Soggies, and Maven stand around him. Man, THAT’S Triple H’s lumber jacks. It’s no wonder all his plans go wrong. Look at the guys he chooses to work with. He’s like the best Bond villain ever. I mean most of these guys couldn’t even beat Sean Cold Val Venis much less Dave. I mean, hell, two of them already jobbed to friggin’ Christy earlier tonight. Not exactly a stellar resume. Makes me wonder what the hell happened to Garrison Cake.

Ric Flair: You’re all the greatest wrestler in the world!
Maven: No we’re not! That’s why we’re on Heat.
RF: Woo! I’m gonna take your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain Fat Boy! WOO!
Viscera: Yeah! Hah Hah!
RF: So who here thinks they’re gonna be the next member of Evolution. Will it be you, Daivari, huh?
Khosrow Daivari: Uh…probably not. No.
RF: And who here thinks that if they can injure Batista they’re goin’ to Wrestlemania!
Jonathan Coachman: Probably not me!
Nova: Definitely not me.
Goose: HONK!
RF: The goose has the right idea! Now let’s go out there and kick some ass so that next week, you can tell all the faces on Heat that you WOO were on RAW! Who’s with me?!

Flair charges out the door. Everyone else shrugs and goes back to their knitting.

Elsewhere, in Batista’s room, Eric Bischoff is giving a pep talk of his own.

Eric Bischoff: Listen, it worked for Goldberg. I’m just saying is all.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I don’t want to celebrate PASSOVER!
EB: Fine. Uh…ok, how about this, how do you feel about inhaling pyro smoke?
DBD: That sounds DANGEROUS!
EB: No, no. It’s fiiiiiiine.
DBD: You’re not a very good CONVINCER!
EB: Sure I am. I almost bought WCW right from under the WWE’s nose with my pals Arli$$ and the guy from Wonder Years.
DBD: You should shut up MORE.
EB: Probably.
DBD: Do you want to play JOUST?
EB: Not really.
DBD: Winners say no to DRUGS!

Ah, Dave Davidson, Comic Genius. Speaking of Comic Geniuses, Randy Orton and Intergalactic Space Hussy and Noted Anti-Oxygen Activist, Stacy Keibler are staring at the ceiling in a hallway.

Intergalactic Spacy Hussy and Certified Prostitute Stacy Keibler: 43. There are 43 tiles.
Rand Orton: Are you sure? I only count 41.
IGSHCPSK: All right. Let’s count again, out loud this time. One. Two. Three.
Randy Orton: Oh snaps, what time is it? I’ve gotta go challenge the Undertaker!
IGSHCPSK: I saw you on Smackdown! He’s going to blow up more pyro at you!
RO: No he’s not. I had Booker T prepare me a voodoo survival goat while I was there. Come on, Bessie.
Bessie the Voodoo Survival Goat: Baa!
RO: You coming?
IGSHCPSK: I guess. Beats standing over here in this corner!

(ads)

When Randy, Stacy and Bessie come out, they’ve got a box. What’s in the box? I hope it’s not a puppy, because Big Show already tried that once. Is it a shot at the World Title? Is it more, smaller boxes? Is it Charlie Haas? I guess we’ll find out. Orton gets a “You Screwed Test” chant, which absolutely makes my day. Except that he screwed me. ME! Figuratively speaking, of course. I guess we’ll just have to wait to see what’s in Stacy’s box.

Randy Orton: Takester, I think we got off on the wrong feet. You see, I realize now that I bit off a little more than I can achoo, and for that I’m sorry.
Voice of the Undertaker: It’s about goddamn time.
RO: I mean, look at you. I can’t even see you. You’re invisible, just like John Cena. But you don’t even have to tell me that I can’t see you. I just know.
VotU: Well, that’s nice, Randy, but really, that’s just an illusion, because I can’t actually appear on RAW. I DO have a body. Remember? You slapped it on Smackdown.
RO: Ah yes. Now I’ve forgotten what I remembered! You’re only real on Thursdays.
VotU: Yeah. Fine. Just finish whatever it is you were going to say.
RO: Look, I brought this box with me for a reason, it’s because I thought you might like a nice gift before you and I wrestle each other to the max at Survivor Series.
VotU: It’s a bunch of moldy half eaten donuts.
RO: No doubt about it! I saw you eyeing them, so I stole them from Smackdown last week to bring them before you here today.
VotU: I don’t want somebody’s moldy old donuts, Randy.
RO: Oh fritz. My fouled proof plan is fooled! I was hoping you’d take the donuts and get food poisoning disease and die so we wouldn’t have a match!
VotU: I’m already dead.
RO: ORTON WINS~!
VotU: Dead tired of me not having my foot smashing your face in.
RO: Boy, you’re really not going to like that I bought these Kama Mustafa chains to try to repel you then are you?
VotU: No. And I hate your goat.
Bessie the Voodoo Survival Goat: Baa?
VotU: Nothing against you, kid, but come on. Do you really want to work with him?
BtVSG: Baa.
VotU: Exactly.
RO: Roll the footage!

Footage of Various Orton Kills from the past are shown. Hawk falling over off the Titan Tron. Foley falling over off the Hell in a Cell. Austin falling over due to weakness. Sting falling over and on fire. ICP falling over off a bus. And many more (this collection can be yours for three easy payments of only 19.95. All Major Credit Cards Accepted. Call now and get “Shannon Moore’s Greatest Promos” absolutely free (29.95 Shipping and handling).

VotU: You can’t take credit for those. You weren’t there for any of them. And I caused at LEAST one myself.
RO: Did you? Or did I?
VotU: I DID!
RO: Whatever, dude.
VotU: Man, I really hate you. I swear, if I have to job to your sorry ass, I’m going to make it rain non-stop until Vince McMahon himself comes out and apologizes to me and says he’s my bitch.
RO: Now watch me dance!

Orton flails around knocking over Bessie. Orton wins. In celebration, Orton shares a lick with the absolutely soulless Stacy, but when he tries to tongue her uvula, she pokes him in the eye, killing the mood.

VotU: Great. Hurt the goat. Let’s get PETA on our case. Stacy, how can you put up with this guy?
IGSHCPSK: After seeing him dance, I’m not sure.
RO: What are you talking amongst myself about? I’m a supreme dancer.
IGSHCPSK: Supremely sucky maybe. I, on the other hand, was one of the legendary Nitro Girls….
VotU: Oh no. Oh hell no.
RO: Did somebody say…LEGEND…Ary?

Stacy’s heel breaks and she falls over. Orton wins.

VotU: Ok, that was just stupid. I’m out of here.

EMTs run out to try to revive Stacy’s shoe, while Orton looks at Bessie and wells up. What did she ever do to deserve this? She wasn’t a legend. Orton maintains his manhood by fleeing the seen of the goat tipping. Stacy on the other hand? Got what she deserved. But looking at her laying there…I wonder. Was I too rough on my Darling Stacy? I mean, we all make mistakes sometimes, right? Somebody play my music, I’m going to come out and challenge that bastard Orton to a match, it’s time I reclaim what’s rightfully mine: The Stacy Title.

On second thought, don’t. She’s still a no good hussy, and the button for my music is too close to the button for Matt Hardy‘s music, and I don’t trust the sound guy. And that Hardy thing would be a WHOLE ‘nother can of worms.

(ads)

Chris Benoit v. Tyson Tomko (w/ The Goatee)

If you were to ask me, which I’m sure you would knowing you, what Chris Benoit would be doing two weeks out from Wrestlemania after his World Title win last year, I don’t know that “wrestling Tyson Tomko” would rate very high, even on MY list. Benoit jumps off the top with a diving head butt that lands on Lillian Garcia. Rather than rush to improvise a new finish though, Benoit makes a snappy decision and locks The Goatee in the Crippler Resthold. Now a total mess, the Goatee taps. Benoit wins! It’s a banner day for his career, I’m sure.

Shawn Michaels is all dressed up with nowhere to prance. Maybe Hassan and Daivari have some ideas.

Muhammed Hassan: Shawn, can I wrestle Kurt Angle?
Shawn Michaels: You mean, like right now?
MH: No, no. At Wrestlemania.
HBK: What happened to your match with Charlie Haas?
MH: Something about a “mistake”…I guess we’re not wrestling.
HBK: Hey, too bad, kid. Thems the breaks.
MH: What if we switch? I’ll wrestle Angle and you can job to Hogan in 15 seconds.
HBK: As much as jobbing to Hogan would do for me at this stage of my career, I think I’m going to have to pass. Hey, look on the bright side kid, at least you don’t have to job to Brooke.
MH: Hehehehe…That’s true.
Khosrow Daivari: HEY!

(ads)

And now, adventures in ACTING~! with WWE Wrestling Commercials. This week, it’s “Varsity Blues” a five star classic if there ever was one.

Vince McMahon: Come back. Come back to the WWE, Dammit! You’re a star, a WRESTLING star.
Brock Lesnar: I don’t want your life.

Linda comes in wearing only some pasties….

Linda McMahon: I wish you boys would quit fighting.
BL: HERE COMES THE PAIN, LINDA!!

Let’s try that again. This time with Stone Cold Steve Austin….

Vince McMahon: Come back. Come back to the WWE, Dammit! You’re a star, a WRESTLING star.
Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?
VM: I said “Come back….”
SCSA: What?
VM: To the WWE….
SCSA: What?
VM: You’re a star….
SCSA: What?
VM: Screw this. I hope you BURN IN HELL, AUSTIN!!

How about Piper?

Vince McMahon: Come back. Come back to the WWE, Dammit! You’re a star, a WRESTLING star.
Rowdy Roddy Piper: Don’t you see, Vince? It’s the sickness! The sickness compels me to keep working for you despite hating you!
VM: I thought it was the money.
RRP: Don’t change the subject.
VM: Well, I could always drop you from the card if you feel so badly about it.
RRP: Would I still get the check?
VM: No.
RRP: Uh…I’m still in then. Hey, whatever happened to that O’Haire kid?
VM: He was crappy. But I’m not telling you anything you didn’t already know.
RRP: HAHAHA! I’m so pathetic.

Ok…Hulk Hogan will work for sure.

Vince McMahon: Come back. Come back to the WWE, Dammit! You’re a star, a WRESTLING star.
Hulk Hogan: Well you know something, brother, let me tell you! I’ve got my legions of fans, the Hulkamaniacs calling me every afternoon, dude, and they’re asking, “Why? Why did you abandon us Hulkster? Why aren’t you still wrestling at the young age of 97?” And I tell them, brother, I tell them, “Dude, I don’t know how you got my number, but I’m gonna come back to the WWE one last time and in front of millions of Hulkamaniacs, I’m gonna lift that fourty pounds of gold, just like I lifted the 940 pounds of Andre the Giant and slammed him through the center of the very Earth on which you and I walk, brother, in front of 324,191 fans at the Silverdome in Detroit, and I’m going to raise it high so that you know that I am Hulk Hogan, and I’m the Immortal one. So whatchu gonna do, Hassan, when Hulkamania runs wild on yooooou?
VM: Don’t you shake your jowls at me!

Ulitmate Warrior has this part locked down.

Vince McMahon: Come back. Come back to the WWE, Dammit! You’re a star, a WRESTLING star.
Ultimate Warrior: Ah, Vincent K. McMahon, the cause of my destrucity. You above all others who have led the Warriors down the path of selfrighteous hatred come to me with this olive branch? A digital disc containing my soul and foisted upon the ruinous population of this country? What may I ask, does the K in your name stand for?
VM: Kenn-
UW: I deduced as much. It stands for Krooked. You have no soul of a warrior. All that lies in you is the heart of a man who’s bled too many battles, but does not have the strength to go up and down the silver coated road and look into the hearts of each and every of the One Warrior Nation and tell them about the simple tools of crustification. It is YOU THAT BRING DESTRUCITY, MCMAHON!
VM: Huh?
UW: SNORT!

Bret Hart…Oh no….

Vince McMahon: Come back. Come back to the WWE, Dammit! You’re a star, a WRESTLING star.
Bret Hart: You are the cause of every problem ever in my life. You screwed me, McMahon. You’ve ruined me! Now you want me to come back? I hate you!!
VM: Come on, Bret. That’s not entirely fair.
BH: I don’t know why I even agreed to be in this commercial.
VM: Because you’re a publicity whore?
BH: Yeah. Have you seen my hammer pants?
VM: No. Hey, I’ve got a great idea for this angle you can do with Shawn Michaels.
BH: Man, #@%& you.

Err…The Rock maybe?

Vince McMahon: Come back. Come back to the WWE, Dammit! You’re a star, a WRESTLING star.
The Rock: I triiiiiied. You wouldn’t resign me.
VM: Maybe you shouldn’t abandon me to go star in friggin’ Doom, then, huh?
TR: That’s it. I’m going to TNA. Unless…you have any pie?

Linda comes back out.

TR: On second thought…I’m gonna go job to Jeff Jarrett.
VM: Right Behind you.
Linda McMahon: Is it something I said.
Brock Lesnar: Don’t bother with them. HERE COMES THE PAIN AGAIN!
LM: Oh, Brock.

Here comes the pain agaaaain….

Kane v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson
In Lumberjacks from Heat Match

HHH is going to beat Dave like a bag of puppies. No wonder Orton couldn’t find one to put in his box. HHH has them all in a bag. Sadly, I feel Nibblin’s influence has corrupted our poor innocent Hunter. You can see the look on Edge’s face as he comes out to be a lumberjack go from, “Hey, I’m in the main event!” to “Why am I out here with all these jobbers?” It’s a pretty even match to start, with Kane gaining an advantage when the Lumberjacks try killing Batista, but things start going wrong when Abe, convulsing with anger, tries to move in on Kane. HHH and Flair break into an over reaction contest at the top of the ramp. Soon, Edge, Christian, and Tomko are all taking turns getting beaten up by Kane, while Dave clears the other lumber jacks out black ninja style. Kane comes back in to celebrate their trickery over Hunter, but Dave nails the OSPREY BOMB TO KANE~! Nobody messes with Dave’s celebration. Triple H gets up to pose on the announce table, but it collapses and he falls into the sound control booth. As the show goes off the air, Viscera’s music plays, which is the greatest moment of his life.

Next Week: Triple H and Dave have a staring contest, in which the Wrestlemania stipulations will be decided by the last one to blink! Randy Orton tries to appologize to Stacy, but she’ll already be hooked up with UNDERTAKER! SWERVE~! Plus, the Heat faces get their chance to shine in a backstage segment where Edge whines and attacks some people!

Scenes from Training with Lita and Christy
Chapter Three:

Christy Hemme: Wrestlemania is only two weeks away, Lita Sensei, and I feel completely unready!
Lita: Hmm…You’re right. You went through a whole match tonight, and you didn’t even break a nail. What’s wrong with you, girl, are you made of adamantium or something?
CH: I’m trying to get hurt! Really, I am! I don’t want to let the fans down at Wrestlemania!
LT: Try jumping off this ladder and landing on the tip of your knee. Maybe you can snap your patella.
CH: Good plan!

Christy climbs to the top of the ladder and jumps off, landing squarely on her knee. Meanwhile, Hassan and Daivari are arguing.

Mohammed Hassan: Listen, I don’t CARE if you don’t WANT to job to Brooke, you’re doing it!
Khosrow Daivari: What does that solve? Nothing! Maybe if they’d let me do that Magic Carpet Ride….
Charlie Haas: Hi guys. Getting pumped for our match?
MH: Oh…I thought they told you. We’re not having one. Sorry. I’m jobbing to Hulk Hogan instead.
Haas: You mean…I STILL don’t have a match at Wrestlemania? Man, this is the worst news ever!

Haas runs off in tears, and Christy lands on his head.

Haas: OW! I challenge you to a match at Wrestlemania!
CH: Sorry, I’ve already got one. I’m trying to get injured to prepare for it.
Haas: Damn. Hey, if you REALLY want to get injured, I could show you this technique Billy Kidman taught me.
LT: She doesn’t NEED your help. She’s already got me.
Haas: Fiiiine. If you don’t want to learn how to make your hair so greasy that you slip on it and knee injury guaranteed, that’s your fault. Have you guys seen Rico? I’ve gotta find that guy….

Haas runs off.

CH: Guaranteed? That sounded pretty good, Lita.
LT: I think we’re approaching this all the wrong way. Have you considered tendon and ligament damage?
CH: Oh boy! New moves!

Later that day….

Trish Stratus: Progress report?
LT: I don’t know, Trish. It’s like the girl is indestructible.
TS: Keep teaching her to blow spots. I have a plan.

Trish storms off.

LT: Wait! Who’s Spots?

To Be Continued….


(edited by Excalibur05 on 22.3.05 1233)


Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
Promote this thread!
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A+ on the 3 Men and a Baby parody! Too funny.
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