Remember last year when we thought that a PPV card couldn't get any worse than Judgment Day 2003? Well, WWE must have spent all year crafting a show this bad just to prove us all wrong.
WWE Tag Team Title Match Rico & Charlie Haas (c) v. Billy Gunn & Hardcore Holly Man, Holly & Gunn just went from being buried in Velocity hell to being the #1 contenders in no time. What did these two do to deserve this shot? Well, let's see if the awesomeness of Rico & Haas can carry the blahness of Gunn & Holly to an entertaining match. I have my doubts. WINNERS: Rico & Charlie Haas
WWE Cruiserweight Title Match Jacqueline (c) v. Chavo Guerrero (with one arm tied behind his back) I can't believe THIS is on a show that they are asking people to pay $34.95 for. Of course, I could say that for most of these matches. Part of me thinks that WWE will come to their senses and give Chavo the belt back. However, another part of me thinks that WWE lost all their senses a long time ago. I'll go with my head, not my heart, and say... WINNER: Jacqueline (please god, prvoe me wrong!)
WWE United States Title Match John Cena (c) v. Rene Dupree Let's hope that this is kept short, because neither guy is able to carry a long match. WWE seems to really be behind Rene, so there. WINNER: Rene Dupree
Mordecai v. Mystery Opponent I'll say that Sho Funaki is the mystery opponent. I'll also say that he get's seriously f'd up by Mordecai. WINNER: Mordecai
Rob Van Dam & Rey Mysterio v. Dudley Boyz WWE seems to be wanting to push the Dudley Boyz as something to take seriously. WWE seems to not give two shits about Rey and Rob. So there. Part of me thinks that Rob might turn heel here. However, I don't think WWE has any faith in Rob as a heel, so I'm not gonna' bet on that happening. WINNERS: Dudley Boyz
Torrie Wilson v. Dawn Marie Jesus, they couldn't have thrown in a Jamie Noble v. Nunzio match or SOMETHING?!? Winner: Torrie Wilson (as if anyone gives a fuck)
Undertaker v. Booker T I'm torn here. Part of me seriously doubts that Undertaker will job to Booker (or anyone, since it's only his third or fourth appearance under the new (old) character). However, a Mordecai run-in seems like a given. I'll say that 'Taker beats Booker here, and WWE holds off on starting the Mordecai feud until SmackDown. WINNER: Undertaker
WWE Title Match Eddie Guerrero (c) v. John "Bradshaw" Layfield God, Judgment Day truly IS upon us. Vince McMahon's 8-year-long wet-dream finally comes true, as Bradshaw main-events a PPV. I'd love, love, LOVE to say that Eddie wins here. However, this feud seems to be picking up steam, not slowing down. Therefore, I'll say that Bradshaw wins (yes, I truly believe that will happen), and the feud continues until the Bash. WINNER: Bradshaw (oh god, PLEEEEEEEEEASE prove me wrong!!!)
In closing, I'd like to ask you people to imagine something: Imagine you are the owner/head booker of WWE. You have a big show coming up. A show so big that viewers have to pay 35 bucks just to watch it. You know you'll have to pull out the big guns to get people to pay 35 bucks to watch wrestling. Furthermore, you can only use one-half of your talent-pool, so you'll have to go the extra-mile in planning this event. So, do you:
A) Put on a main-event with the Champion defending against someone with major star power to ensure that fans feel this is a worthy event. Then pack the mid-card with great matches to further the crowds excitement.
B) Put on a main-event with the Champion defending against a young lion who the fans are craving to see in the main-events. Someone who has been working hard to get the crowds into his character, and is ready to have a great match with the Champ. Then pack the mid-card with matches that have been intricatley planned out with great story-lines and great action, to ensure that the swing-viewers pluck down their money for the event.
C) Put on a main-event with the Champion defending against a guy that no-one feels in a star worthy of main-events. A man that viewers look at as a total mid-carder, and have no desire to see main-event such a huge show. Then you fill the mid-card with crappy matches that either have horrible build-up or no build-up at all. You only announce three matches, and then three days before the PPV you slap together the rest of the card with no rhyme or reason.
I guess Vince thought C was the smart choice.
(edited by OMEGA on 14.5.04 1658)
The answer to WWE's financial problems...
Never 'Wiener of the Day', and is actually quite bitter about it.
WWE Tag Titles- Rico & Charlie Haas def. Billy Gunn & Hardcore Holly: Rather Rico & Charlie than Billy and Bob...
WWE Cruiserweight Title- Chavo Guerrero Jr. def. Jacqueline: Need I say more?
WWE US Title- Rene Dupree def. John Cena: French guys always win when they're 'underdogs'.
Mordecai destroys someone
RVD & Rey def. Dudleyz: No idea why. Maybe WWE will get behind them as future WWE Champions. Deja vu?
Torrie def. Dawn: Torrie always defeats Dawn.
Booker T def. Undertaker: Mordecai interferes, Taker gets rid of him, Booker T gets a 'clean' win after Mordecai hangs around at ringside (Possibly attacking Paul Bearer?)
WWE Title- No Contest: Vince comes out and announces the whole thing is a mistake... No, um, Eddie will win. (Won't he? Please?) Still, built up, Eddie and Bradshaw could have a decent feud over 2 months (only). *Crosses fingers*
Mordecai vs. Joey Babaganooch Who cares? Mordecai wins, showing off whatever his power moves are going to be.
WWE Tag Team Championship Rico and Charlie Haas vs. Hardcore Holly and Billy Gunn: They needed something for the champs to do, and throwing somebody like the Bashams out there couldn't be any worse. Rico/Haas go over here.
Cruiserweight Championship Chavo Guerrero vs. Jacqueline I'm guessing the only purpose of this angle is to set up something like Chavo progressively becoming more and more psychotic/paranoid over the next few weeks... Chavo wins here, otherwise he's dead in the water.
Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie Requisite eye candy for the PPV. No storyline implications here, except Dawn Marie's rumored to be Dupree's squeeze, so I'll go with her.
Undertaker vs. Booker T Man, talk about horrible buildup. Booker goes over here thanks to interference by Mordecai.
Dudley Boyz vs. Rob Van Dam and Rey Mysterio On paper, this is actually the best match on the card... but the Dudleyz need a makeover before I actually consider them as a real heel threat. Bubba Ray in camoflague shorts showing off his skinny pale legs, and D-Von wearing corny as hell Dudleyz t-shirt #457 isn't exactly intimidating. Van Dam and Mysterio aren't doing anything, so I wouldn't be surprised if they went over here and then went on to become tag champs sometime soon. But, regardless they'll win here.
United States Championship John Cena vs. Rene Dupree Should have the most heat out of all the matches on the card, but I don't think these guys have what it takes to back it up in the ring yet... this has actually been a pretty decent feud so far, so I expect it to continue. Dupree wins thanks to interference by Dawn Marie.
WWE Championship Eddie Guerrero vs. John Bradshaw Layfield Let's see... JBL has attacked Eddie's mother, had him arrested, crapped on his culture, given him a numerous amount of cheap shots... if there is any justice on this card, it's Eddie just beating the crap out of Bradshaw for 10-15 minutes. Just total and complete destruction for him, JBL should BLEED LIKE A STUCK PIG BAH GAWD, the limo gets trashed, whatever. I just want this angle to end, and that would be the decisive way to go. Eddie wins regardless.
What really annoys me about the show is that-get this-JBL is not a bad character! Bradshaw's done a great job with his promos and from the looks of him on Thursday has dropped some weight and gotten into game shape. I can't put the guy down, because he's obviously working to try and justify his push, but at this stage he can't. And that's a damn shame, because with six or eight months' work he could have probably been a perfectly viable filler title contender. All they had to do was hold off on Show's surgery for a few weeks-which they easily could have done by keeping him out of the ring for the build-up to the match-and put him against Eddie at JD, then use Bradshaw as Cena's foil for a coupla months to give him some seasoning. But no-the bookers charge in headfirst, destroying a potentially great gimmick by pushing it to the main event far before it's ready.
Oh well. Meltz is saying that contrary to popular opinion we can expect a decent match out of the two, but it probably won't be enough to save the dog of an undercard.
Once upon a time in China, some believe, around the year one double-ought three, head priest of the White Lotus Clan, Pai Mei was walking down the road, contemplating whatever it is that a man of Pai Mei's infinite power contemplates - which is another way of saying "who knows" - when a Shaolin monk appeared, traveling in the opposite direction. As the monk and the priest crossed paths, Pai Mei, in a practically unfathomable display of generosity, gave the monk the slightest of nods. The nod was not returned. Now was it the intention of the Shaolin monk to insult Pai Mei or did he just fail to see the generous social gesture? The motives of the monk remain unknown. What is known, are the consequences. The next morning Pai Mei appeared at the Shaolin Temple and demanded of the Temple's head abbot that he offer Pai Mei his neck to repay the insult. The Abbot at first tried to console Pai Mei, only to find Pai Mei was inconsolable. So began the massacre of the Shaolin Temple and all 60 of the monks inside at the fists of the White Lotus. And so began the legend of Pai Mei's five point palm exploding heart technique.
You can't put a price on a full version of "Just Look At Me" with an extra verse about all the stars in Hollywood being falling stars compared to the Con Man. Deuce and Domino's music is the greatest composition since With My Baby Tonight.