It's time, once again, for IWS-TV And that means that it's time, once again, to...
... BREAK DOWN THE WALLS!!!
Just as a quick explanation for my failure to put up a recap for last week. Llakor got a real bug up his ass about finishing the Violent Valentine recap. As faithful readers of those recaps know, (and who are you maniacs anyway?) for each IWS Llakor recap, I don a new costume symbolizing the show, although lately I have been sticking to the animatronic female German Shepherd costume/movie prop that I bought on E-Bay. Now this is my choice, my way of adding a little bit of colour to otherwise dreary and frankly excruciatingly long recaps that Llakor pumps out. And I will admit that there are times, when I am sitting in the makeup chair at four a.m. waiting for the glue to dry on the first layer of my costume, that I wonder why I bother...
The answer, of course, is that I do it for you, the fans. Yes, you're absolutely right. You ungrateful bastards DON'T deserve me. So what I would like you to do right know is go up to your parents room, go looking in their wallets and mail me all the coloured rectangular paper that you find there.
On a totally unrelated note, I would like to thank Arsenal for those brownies that he sent me. I never actually got to taste them, because I left them on the porch and my neighbour's rotweiller, the greedy bastard, knocked the pan off the ledge, and ate them all. Strangely, for the rest of the day, he appeared quite dazed. He kept trying to lick his balls and missing. It was quite ODD.
Llakor's dial-up connection has been having fits ever since we lost power, so to guarantee that I would be able to watch IWS-TV uninterrupted, I decided to go to Battle-Net on Ste-Catherine. Llakor has promised me that he is going to sign up for a High Speed connection, so hopefully that will help. I arrived at BattleNet at 7:05. I was worried that I was late for the show, but just as I clicked on IWS-TV, it started.
Whoosh! Good timing
Peter LaSalle was in a purple boa. He started the show with a little dance declaring, "We're on the road to Freedom to Fight. I'm pumped up."
Brian the Guppie reassured viewers, "If this is your first time tuning in, trust me this is a wrestling show."
Peter LaSalle ignored Guppie, continuing, "This is BloodStream. This is where we pipe in the info to you the fans."
Brian the Guppie pointed out, "Before the show started we just showed you what previously happened on BloodStream. There is a power struggle going on in the IWS right now. It's hard to work for the IWS right now."
Peter LaSalle interjects, "Hard to work for the IWS? Fire him. I'll do his job."
Brian the Guppie continues, "Seska is a fine president."
Peter LaSalle interrupts, again, "Yes, she's fine... a fine piece of ass."
Brian the Guppie struggles on, "There's a power struggle going on in the IWS right now. Last week, we saw President Seska took Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris' office."
Peter LaSalle is quite upset by this, "Seska, don't fuck a guy. Well fuck a guy, but don't fuck him around; don't steal his office."
Brian the Guppie segues nicely, "Also last week, we saw Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris do something quite upsetting. We all know that Elsa Bangz has been suspended for months. She showed up at Know Your Enemies and flashed the crowd. In retaliation, last week, Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris' fired Elsa Bangz ..."
Peter LaSalle corrects Brian the Guppie's pronunciation. "Elsa BANGZ, Guppie, BANGZ, you have to pop the BANGZ. BANGZ!"
Brian the Guppie takes the lesson to heart, "Elsa BANGZ, she was suspended, now she's fired. We've had a lot of upset e-mails asking for her back, asking for her to be reinstated, but for the moment she's gone; she's fired; she's out of the IWS. At Freedom to Fight, there are a number of matches announced. One of those matches is the rematch of the Angry Aryans vs. Faces of Death, at the request of the Angry Aryans. If you ask me, these guys are idiots for asking for a rematch. I'm sure that a stipulation will be announced for this match involving fire. Not even Iceberg and FOD asked for this rematch, but they aren't upset to get another chance to put their hands on the Angry Aryans. There is something else planned for Freedom to Fight, something that has been brewing for months. We have had some complaints about not showing full matches on IWS-TV. Let's be honest, we want you to buy our DVDs. We want you to take home a piece of the IWS.
Peter LaSalle gets excited at the mention of the word piece, "I'm on those DVDs. You're on those DVDs, Guppie. You can take home LaSalle and Guppie; you can have us; you can hold us. You can nightly fondle us next to your funbag of love."
Brian the Guppie can't believe what he's hearing, "Funbag of love. You will also see Film and TV's Iron Mike Patterson on those DVDs. Patterson called us before the show, he's down to 30% body fat. Good for him. You know what we are going to do for you tonight? We are going to play the FULL match of Dream Tag Partners from Know Your Enemies. Isn't that great?"
Peter LaSalle isn't sure what to think, "The FULL match? Are we doing commentary? YES?! Than that sucks! That is one long FUCKING match Guppie."
Brian the Guppie will have none of it, "It's a great match. And we are going to play ALL of it. Here's a taste of what you are going to get. We will now play the promo for the Dream Tag Partners match."
If you don't mind, I'll just quote from my last recap of this promo:
I can't really do the video justice. It was beautiful in a rugged, manly, hardcore wrestling kind of way. Hopefully, it will get put up on the IWS website soon.
"They were the hottest tag team in the IWS. Until jealousy tore them apart One NINJA~ (turned on his brother) (Turned EVIL?) And the other is left alone."
"They were voted the two best wrestlers in Quebec Arsenal & Mathy 69 They have been killing each other to prove who is number one Yet no man has proved himself better than the other
On March 15th history will be made Arsenal & Evil NINJA~#2 vs. Mathy 69 & Hardcore NINJA~#1 Dream Tag Partners match
Witness the insanity as the four craziest men in the IWS collide
Saturday March 15th Know Your Enemies 2003"
Just to criticize that video on one teensy tiny small point. Arsenal DID beat Mathy 69 as did Evil NINJA~#2. It is impressive how over Mathy 69 is despite losing all the time, well twice, but still Arsenal has proved himself the better man.
We're back, and Brian the Guppie announces, rather redundantly, "We're back live on BloodStream. That was just a little taste. Soon, we will see that match in its entirety."
Peter LaSalle is not enthusiastic, "That is a long fucking match, Guppie. I don't know if I can talk through the whole thing. Hey is this the part of the show where we banter to kill time? What does that script say? Is it banter time?"
Brian the Guppie confirms, "Yes, it's time to banter. Let's talk about this web-site, Syndicate Wrestling Dot Com. Over the last little while it has been getting improved bit by bit. We now have our pictures on the web-site. Over the weekend, this web-site was down. Why was it down? The old server crashed. Why did the old server crash? Because there were too many hits. We got so much traffic, it fried our server. Now, I have talked to the big bosses of the IWS, to the money-men behind the fed, and they have told me that the IWS has bought seven new servers to handle the increased traffic.
Peter LaSalle is suitably impressed, "SEVEN? That's as many as there are freaking oceans in the world. All I have to say is that all of you ball washers out there finally did something right. You clicked and you clicked and you clicked and you melted our server. Way to go!"
Brian the Guppie throws to a commercial.
Before the commercial though, we see a short skit with Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris and President Seska. She is sitting at a table reading a book and drinking a mug of something. Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris walks up to her and says, "Well, if it isn't the Nation of Fornication. HEY! Is that someone stealing your car?"
When President Seska looks over, Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris slips something into her drink. She, naturally, sees nothing, "What are you talking about?" Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris shrugs and walks off while President Seska guzzles her spiked drink.
Blood Sweat and Beers commercial.
When we come back from commercial, we see a short skirt of President Seska and Arsenal. He is walking out of training, and she jumps on him declaring, "I love sweaty mens." Arsenal is repulsed, "Aren't you the President? Get off me you skank. I don't go for brunettes.” Arsenal throws President Seska off him and stalks off. She slumps against the wall and protests, "You're no fun!"
Brian the Guppie is nonplused by what he has seen, "What is Arsenal's problem? He always seems to be beating on women."
Peter LaSalle is outraged at this comment, "I thought we agreed that would be MY LINE! I'm supposed to talk about Arsenal beating on women! I don't know what Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris slipped into her drink, but I'd like to slip her something."
Brian the Guppie adds, "It is very distressing to see the President of the IWS that way, tearing her clothes off, throwing herself at men."
Peter LaSalle is having none of that, "That is because you are tremendously GHEY, Guppie. You are going to go home tonight after BloodStream and throw on Oriental midget porn."
Brian the Guppie replies, with as much dignity as he can muster, "There's nothing wrong with Oriental midget porn. We have received complaints about clipping matches on IWS-TV. Let's be honest, we want to tease you. We want you coming back for more. We want you to buy our DVDs. We want to tease you into wanting more."
Peter LaSalle has a Nam flashback, "This is exactly like when you were fourteen, and you got your girlfriend to come over to the house when your parents were away, and she took her shirt off, and flashed her titties, and then DROVE AWAY!"
(I take it that when LaSalle was fourteen that he either dated OLDER WOMEN with Driver's Licences, or he dated juvenile delinquents.)
Brian the Guppie raises his eyebrows, "Yes, LaSalle it's NOTHING AT ALL like that. We will now show Dream Tag Partners from Know Your Enemies in its entirety. At Freedom to Fight, we will have new DVDs, and this match will be on it."
The action of this match is fast and furious and features a lot of innovative uses of ladders as, how did Llakor put it, "chiropractic torture devices." One of the things to remark on is that prior to the match Mathy69 changed his name to depending on who spells it, XS69, XeS69, Excess69, XcEsS69 or eXcEsS69. No matter how you spell it, Brian the Guppie still pronounces it as MATHY69. Personally, I like eXcEsS69.
Peter LaSalle asks early on after eXcEsS69 does a fast ball special with Hardcore NINJA~#1, "Hardcore Ninja#1 is his partner doesn't he know that?"
Brian the Guppie answers, "Yes, he was helping him. THIS is ACTION Peter LaSalle! Mathy69 is oiled and ready for collateral damage."
Peter LaSalle ruefully adds, "Look at these Ninjas, these two brothers go at it. Do you fucking hate your family? Come to the IWS and fuck them up in the ring! Look at that, he got lambasted like a Christmas turkey on a Sunday afternoon!"
Brian the Guppie admires eXcEsS69, "Mathy69 has one of the most beautiful drop kicks in pro wrestling today. Now, a Swanton sandwiching that Evil Ninja bastard under a ladder. My apologies he's not a bastard, I meant no disrespect to the Ninja family. The Ninjas, the best tag team in pro wrestling, were torn apart because of Iron Mike Patterson and Evil Ninja. What are Hardcore Ninja number one and Mathy 69 doing to Arsenal? They are gorilla pressing him using a ladder! I have never seen that. In all my years of watching wrestling, I have never seen that.”
After Brian the Guppie makes an off-hand comment about his recent pay raise, Peter LaSalle attacks, "Stop talking about money, you fucking whore. You're still living in a shitty one room apartment downtown. Asai! ASAI! ASAAAAAAI!"
Brian the Guppie specifies, "Mathy 69 just Moon Saulted off a ladder, took out Arsenal and Evil Ninja#2 and landed on his feet!"
Peter LaSalle is ecstatic, "If you just tuned in, you're not watching shinobi. This is wrestling!"
Brian the Guppie continues, "Mathy69 with a swanton off a ladder into Arsenal through chairs. We are watching Evil Ninja number two viciously attack his brother, before this show ends, I promise you, Hardcore Ninja#1 will get his revenge. Peanut is in place for once to make the count."
Peter LaSalle attacks Peanut, "We need to replace this guy. We should just go to some shitty movie theatre in Laval and grab the first guy we see to be ref. Man eXcEsS69, he looks fucking hot with that oil on him."
Brian the Guppie amazingly passes up that straight line, "A one man Spanish fly. Arsenal's lumbar region hitting the ladder. WOW! Arsenal and Mathy69 just jumped sixteen feet and double clothes lined each other. Iron Mike Patterson with his 'Patterguns' I hear he's down to 28% body crap."
Peter LaSalle is feeling the match, "Man, it's so good he (Evil Ninja) got that ladder in the mush Way to go Arsenal, make him (eXcEsS69) feel something."
Brian the Guppie is OBSESSED with Iron Mike Patterson, "He's flexing those mighty Patterguns he's so proud of. Mathy69 is showing, why Mathy is a hardcore soldier; why he's a member of the IWS; why this is a dream tag partners match. A Death Valley Driver off a ladder onto a chair. A table, it's not deplorable, we want to see someone go through furniture, okay, recreational furniture. I'm glad Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris hired you writers, LaSalle. Mathy69 with a fall away moonsault from the top rope. Often imitated, never duplicated. Mathy69 with two rolling northern lights suplexes, and then Arsenal bounces him off his head with a DDT. OH MY GOD! A fisherman's buster off the top rope through a table. Mathy69 suffers ANOTHER loss.”
Peter LaSalle is exhausted, "That was long but unbelievably spectacular. Do we have a break now?"
Brian the Guppie agrees, "Yes, but first let's switch gears. Onyx is the new IWS heavyweight champion. The first guy that he would like to give a title shot to is Manny but he's still in the hospital. Last week, Onyx said that the second guy he would give a shot to is the undefeated El Generico."
Peter LaSalle is not a fan of this idea, "El Generico, he's a fucking Conquistadore... Luchadore, whatever, he's a door. Onyx is ducking the Phantom."
Brian the Guppie disagrees, "El Generico is definitely worthy. Later, we have footage of the Ninjas."
They break for commercial in consternation as a grenade gets rolled onto the set. Brian the Guppie runs for it as Peter LaSalle juggles it.
Before the commercial, we get an Onyx and President Seska. She is wearing even less clothes and even more horny than with Arsenal, "Hello sweetie, I feel like some jungle fever." Onyx is interested, but tries to play it cool, "You want some mocha fudge?" Seska shouts, "Mocha fudge!? Ice cream!" and dashes off. Onyx is CRUSHED, "I got ice cream, I got an ice cream cone! Don't you want an Orca? HEY!? Who said fat meat is greasy?"
We get the Summer Slaughter ad, than instead of the IWS training school ad we get a Team 990 ad which is a voice-over played over a static logo.
After that we get President Seska under her desk. Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris comes in and she is so out of it that she doesn't recognize him and starts pawing at his clothes. The Commissioner is unimpressed, "Excuse me, I thought this was the President's office. Stop touching me. You're making a mockery of this office." He leaves, and Seska pouts, "You're not a nice man at all."
Brian the Guppie is back, "I love our President. I am sorry about before the break Our cameraman made a little joke. It was a chocolate grenade. I have to agree with Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris it was embarrassing, but something WAS slipped into her drink."
Peter LaSalle is fuming, "Forget her drink. Something was slipped into our show. No one cares about your fucking radio show, Guppie. I don't care. The viewers don't care. The guys in the control booth don't care. Camera Three doesn't care."
Brian the Guppie shills his show again and announces, "Now we have a major announcement. At Freedom to Fight, we will have, at last, Ninja vs. Ninja. There was a press conference to announce that match, and we will look at that press conference now."
The press conference has a dais in the middle and from left to right, Hardcore NINJA~#1, President Seska, Peanut, Brian the Guppie, Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris, Evil NINJA~#2, and last but certainly not least, Iron Mike Patterson. The press conference begins with Patterson screaming at Hardcore NINJA~#1, "You are NOTHING, you hear me? NOTHING!"
Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris intervenes, declaring, "I feel a lot of pent-up anger here. We're here to sign some documents then go on our ways until April 12th at Freedom to Fight."
Brian the Guppie tells us why we're here, says "Know Your Enemies" instead of "Freedom to Fight" a lot, introduces everyone, and announces, "At the request of Hardcore NINJA~#1, the contract is in Japanese."
Hardcore NINJA~#1 signs first.
Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris offers the contract to Iron Mike Patterson to examine, but he declines,"I don't need to read anything. My guy can win anytime anywhere. And I plan to interfere a whole lot."
Seska signs, after Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris asks her not to use the pen on herself as a dildo, and she pantomimes that she would rather use it on him as an anal plug.
Finally, Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris signs, saying, "My signature, the one that counts, the golden signature, and that makes the match official.
Brian the Guppie calls in Peter LaSalle, Renaissance Man to translate the contract.
Iron Mike Patterson yells, "I don't need it translated, It means hurt for Ninja#1"
Peter LaSalle translates, "It's an ancient transcription, but I think I can make it out. It says Saturday, April the 12th at Bar Le Skratch in Chomedey Laval, Hardcore NINJA~#1 will face Evil NINJA~#2"
Iron Mike Patterson interrupts, slapping Evil NINJA#2's back, "That's you! That's you!"
Peter LaSalle continues, "They will face each other in a no-holds barred, this can't be right, a no ropes barb-wired match?"
Iron Mike Patterson, FREAKS, "NO, I'm deathly afraid of barb wire! I can't interfere with barb wire!"
Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris is also opposed, "I won't have these two fine young athletes putting their lives at risk."
President Seska confirms the match, "That's what the contract says, that's what's going to happen. This is a hardcore fed. That is a hardcore match, and it will happen."
Peter LaSalle is selfishly pleased, "I told you my translation was right."
As Brian the Guppie finally gets the name of the event right, Iron Mike Patterson wails, "He can't wrestle that night, he's moving. It's his truck!"
We're back to Peter LaSalle grilling Brian the Guppie over a fire over calling the event Know Your Enemies instead of Freedom to Fight over and over again.
Peter LaSalle opts for the quick exit, "Thanks for tuning in, We hope that you enjoyed BloodStream. We're back next week as the road to Freedom to Fight continues."
(edited by The Great and Mighty OZ on 29.3.03 1125)
AARGGGHHH! You can't edit the title. "MRACH" for freak's sake. I am never going to live this down. Llakor is going to be bugging me about this for years the blasted grammar & spelling Nazi.
(edited by The Great and Mighty OZ on 29.3.03 1128) Llakor is a TOOL~!
Senor DrOp: Excellent column this week. I think you captured the essence of the valet in your ten minutes inside your brain. You make very good points about having valets just to have some eye candy out there not really working.