It is a little disturbing to me how little attention people pay to what I write, really it is. If the Prophet is reading this, thanks for the offer, but, dude, I asked for Swedish lesbian porn, not Nigerian bondage porn. I’m sure that you do have the best collection on the Eastern seaboard, and allow me just to say that I take your word for it. I don’t really need to see proof.
So this week, I would like to ask for something simple from my readers. A nice simple uncomplicated world where Kurt Angle was not going to have to have neck surgery and be gone from active wrestling for a year. Is that too much to ask for? I don’t think so.
Astonishingly, this week, I didn’t have to play the crash and re-boot game that I normally have to play on Wednesday nights around seven. I did have to refresh a few times to get IWS-TV to start, but by 7:02, I was watching the opening video.
This week, Peter LaSalle is wearing a pink boa.
Brian the Guppie pimps Know Your Enemies, March 15th, at Le Skratch, in Chomedey. That’s in just two weeks.
Peter LaSalle exclaims, “You scared the shit out of me. I thought you meant in two weeks we’ll be on the street.”
Brian the Guppie announces, “At Know Your Enemies, the most anticipated main event in IWS history, the most anticipated rematch of all time. The number one contender, Onyx vs. the IWS champion the Green Phantom.”
Peter LaSalle complains, “Onyx doesn’t respect me at all. He comes on the show and tells me to FUCK myself. Why doesn’t he love me? I just want to be loved. Is that too much to ask?”
Brian the Guppie points out that Peter LaSalle has been talking smack about Onyx behind his back for weeks, so sucking up to him now probably won’t help. He drools over the Dream Partners tag team match featuring Mathy 69 & Hardcore NINJA~#1 vs. Arsenal & Evil NINJA~#2.
Peter LaSalle declares, “Normally, you just ramble on saying that the IWS, it just can’t get any better. But Violent Valentine’s was an amazing show and Know Your Enemies will be evan better.”
Brian the Guppie starts dropping Carol One X Cox’s name just to freak out Peter LaSalle, “Carol Cox (GAAARRGH!) loves the fans obviously. Which is why she’s arranged such a great show. The Angry Aryans have challenged FOD to a match. They’re stupid if you ask me. I’ve tried to get in touch with them to give their position, but they have been declining interviews. FOD normally give very exciteable shouting promos, but when they were on two weeks ago, FOD was so angry Iceberg couldn’t even speak. This is no angle. These people absolutely hate each other. Carol Cox...”
Peter LaSalle protests, “GAAARRGH! What’s with all the Carol Cox references.”
Brian the Guppie announces, “We have footage with Peter LaSalle.”
Peter LaSalle FREAKS, “No, don’t play footage.”
The footage show us the IWS tag team champions, Hi-5 arguing over who has the better Back Street Boys shirt. El Generico comes in and tries desperately to pronounce Kid Kamikaze’s name properly. Peter LaSalle charges in and exclaims, “Heat. You fucking hate him. You hate Kid Kamikaze. I have the booking power. At Know Your Enemies, I’m booking El Generico vs. Kamikaze Kid.”
Beef Wellington is about to protest that they have to defend their tag team titles, but then he smiles and says, “No that’s a good idea. You (Kamikaze Kid) vs. that refried grease ball.”
Beef Wellington and Kamikaze Kid stand up and El Generico squeaks and runs for his life. They watch him run and then Beef admits that Kamikaze Kid has the better Back Street Boy’s shirt.
Back on the set, Peter LaSalle says with relief, “Oh THAT footage.”
Brian the Guppie is frustrated, “Where did you get the authority to book that match?”
Peter LaSalle shrugs, “They were just going to waste all that heat fighting before the show. I just redirected their energies into a match.”
Brian the Guppie disagrees, “El Generico didn’t have heat with Kamikaze Kid. He was just trying to read. I have here a memo from Carol Cox (GAAARRGH!) that the tag title will be defended at Know Your Enemies. El Generico vs. Kamikaze Kid is an unconfirmed match. At Violent Valentines, the opening match was Pat, the Highlander, Hamilton vs. WonderFred or as he prefers to be called Fred le Magnifique. At the end of the match, Double R, Righteous Rick Sterling did a run-in. They really beat the shit out of Pat, who has a concussion. Pat won’t be at the next show.”
They show clips of the match Pat the Highlander Hamilton vs. Fred le Magnifique with commentary.
Brian the Guppie points out a graeco roman knuckle lock, while Peter LaSalle tries to speak Scottish.
Brian the Guppie explains, “Pat suffered his concussion on this suplex. Here you can see that Pat is even more dazed and confused than usual. And now Pat recoveers to hit Rolling Germans suplexes.”
Peter LaSalle responds, “Haven’t the Germans suffered enough?”
Brian the Guppie notes a BlockBuster neckbreaker, and Peter LaSalle announces, “BlockBuster? I’ve paid my late fees. Stop hounding me, dammit!”
As the clips end, Peter LaSalle gives Brian the Guppie shit for kowtowing to Fred le Magnifique and introducing him exactly as he asked. While Guppie tries to disagree, pointing out that Peter LaSalle is a fan of Fred le Magnifique’s, Peter LaSalle reacts quickly saying, “I respect the man. I don’t like the man.”
Brian the Guppie segues, “Our cameras caught a conversation between Double R, Righteous Rick Sterling and Fred le Magnifique. One speaks no English, the other speaks no French, could be interesting. But before we get to that... Where has Steve Royds gone? We haven’t seen him since he was pinned by El Generico. He’s gone MIA.”
Peter LaSalle suggests, “Maybe we should have a Hot line for Steve Royds sightings. Only, I don’t want your Grandmother calling every two minutes.”
Righteous Rick Sterling & Fred le Magnifique
Righteous Rick Sterling is checking himself out in a mirror.
Fred le Magnifique comes out and thanks him (in French) for his help against Pat. He didn’t need the help, but he appreciates the gesture.
Righteous Rick Sterling answers, “I don’t know a word you said. Why should I have all the fun beating up Pat. I’m quite willing to share in the joy of kicking his ass. After all, we’re both Canadians.”
Fred le Magnifique says that he’s a Canadiens fan too, tries to speak English, fails miserably.
Righteous Rick Sterling responds, “Asti tabernacle to you too.”
Blood, Sweat and Beers commercial.
Rather than coming back after the commercial to Brian the Guppie and Peter LaSalle, we see El Generico coming out of the shower wearing his mask and a towel. A, or perhaps THE Ringrat who speaks French, tries to pick him up. They mangle a variety of languages and she finally in desperation flashes him. El Generico freaks and runs back into the shower.
Back on the set, Brian the Guppie declares, “The IWS has always been hot. Women have been hanging around the studio. Why I have even had sex... with women. There are lots of groupies hanging around. Why did El Generico get scared?”
Peter LaSalle answers, “He looked like a landmine went off prematurely. Let’s call her Funbag Sally. Don’t diss my boa. This is Feng Shui. Pink is Feng Shui, man.”
Brian the Guppie and Peter LaSalle banter some more about the status of the El Generico vs. Kamikaze Kid match with Brian the Guppie declaring it not officially signed and Peter LaSalle offering to go get proof. They throw to a commercial.
Training School Commercial.
They’re back and Brian the Guppie announces, “Peter LaSalle did not book this match. Dream partners tag match. Mathy 69 & Hardcore NINJA~#1 vs. Arsenal & Evil NINJA~#2.”
Peter LaSalle jumps in declaring, “This match has got everything. A French guy in shorts. NINJAZ~! Arsenal all fucked up!”
Brian the Guppie suggests that they watch the high lights of Mathy 69 vs. Evil NINJA~#2.
Brian the Guppie points out, “It’s almost like Arsenal booked this match. The Abdominal stretch, a deplorable move, turned into an Octopus Hold.”
Peter LaSalle protests, “Octopus hold? You just make this shit up!”
Brian the Guppie exclaims when they move outside, “That’s smacking the flesh on concrete!”
Peter LaSalle segues, “Speaking of smacking the flesh, I saw this movie the other night...”
Brian the Guppie allows himself to be distracted, “Was it a movie starring Carol Cox? (GAAARRGH!) Or would you like to talk about your booking some more? Rolling Northern Lights Suplex.”
Peter LaSalle countesr, “I thought it was a Scandanavian Inverted Press. OHH! KNEES! Mathy 69 has the best knees in the business. Guppie, I love the way you say wrenching. When you speak there should be a bouncing ball following your words on the screen.”
We’re back to the set and Peter LaSalle wonders, “Is it worth $12?”
Brian the Guppie declares, “It definitely is. I still haven’t received official confirmation of the El Generico vs. Kid Kamikaze match at Know Your Enemies.”
Peter LaSalle storms off to get proof, while Brian the Guppie throws his hands up at how very professional his partner is. Brian the Guppie introduces a music video promo of the Onyx vs. the Green Phantom history.
When we come back, Brian the Guppie says, “Peter LaSalle went to get some kind of confirmation. I got heat for saying this before, but if you miss Know Your Enemies on March 15th. If you miss this event, you’re stupid.”
Peter LaSalle storms on half-naked, waving some damp booking slips, “Here’s your fucking proof.”
Brian the Guppie admits, “Well, this is official and signed by Carol Cox. Why is it wet? Go put your clothes back on. Pur your damn shirt back on. While LaSalle is getting dressed, let’s talk about the Angry Aryans vs. FOD. It’s about racism people. It’s really not very cool. You never know what’s going to happen in the IWS, but I would like to make a prediction of what will happen in the main event. I believe that the Green Phantom will retain the title. Onyx has been forced to go through too many obstacles to win, I think. I believe that Onyx should be champion, I think that he deserves to be champion, but I also think that the Green Phantom will keep the belt.”
I think the two things standing in front of me getting TiVo are the existance of a subscription fee (it took me forever just to shell out for decent webpace space and I'm gonna pay for monthly TV listings?)