Just to give you some idea to the depths to which I go to for you people, let me tell you a little story.
On the weekend, I went up to the Laurentians to house-sit, cat-sit and Nan-sit. So, like a good grandson, I made my 92 year old grandmother a nice hearty stew for supper Saturday night. (From scratch, I will point out. None of that canned shit.) The wise men say, "No good deed goes unpunished" and they are right, as I picked up my Nan's cold. Sadly, I have to talk all day at my job. So, I passed up my usual Tuesday GURPS night to get an early nights sleep, and I came home grumpy, bitchy, with a headache and a scratchy throat. I come to the front door of my apartment, and my boot mats are sitting outside of my apartment door instead of just inside, AND they are soaking wet.
EXACTLY. Oh SHIT indeed.
So, I go inside and fortunately when the leak from the upstairs apartment came down into mine, it didn't do any major damage. The walls in the bathroom are fucked up (AGAIN) but no major damage, and I didn't lose any books. Now, during the day I must have lost power, because all my clocks were blinking 2:04 when I came home. Not a huge problem, the power was already back on by the time I got home.
BUT, in addition to losing the power, I lost something equally as important: my phones were all dead. I did the usual tech bullshit, check phones in someone's else apartment (they work), change the wires from the phone to the wall jack (no dice). I think you can guess the problem here.
No phones = no internet.
No internet = no IWS-TV.
No IWS-TV = No IWS-TV recap.
So, I spent every stolen minute on Wednesday playing phone tag with my Montreal sleazy, dirt-bag landlord. (I suppose really that that is a redundant term, Montreal landlords are assumed to be sleazy dirt-bags.) Of course, playing phone tag is a little tricky, WHEN YOU HAVE NO FUCKING PHONE!!!
In any event, I still have no phone service, so no IWS-TV right?
Because I [heart] you losers so much, I am sitting in Battle-Net on Ste-Catherine Street, surrounded by the sounds of automatic gun-fire, "The Terrorists Win" and a mix of Eminem, Cantonese pop, and Asian Rap. (I swear to god, the guy across from me was playing "Got Rice Bitch!" I could not make this up if I tried.)
So, in summary, you bastards owe me. Bring me your finest meats and cheeses DAMN IT.
The automatic gun fire also helps explain why I didn't quite get all the details that I normally get. Also, I have a macro at home for Brian the Guppie and Peter LaSalle which makes taking notes MUCH easier, so some errors may slip in from that.
I joined the program JUST as the opening video ended, and I have to ask: Did the show start early this week or something? I don't mind if it starts late, but early sucks man. I was struggling to get WordPad started and the right size in order to take notes during the show, so I missed some of the opening banter.
Peter LaSalle was in a green Boa.
They started out pimping the Dream Tag Partners match. While I was still getting into a note-taking rhythm, they threw to a promo featuring Beef Wellington.
Beef Wellington is in Commissioner Joe FitzMorris' office.
Testify Beef, "Thanks to that low-life middle class loser Peter LaSalle, my partner Kid Kamikaze will be facing El Generico on Saturday. But that leaves me with nothing to do. I'm not booked. The fans want, NO the fans DEMAND a Beef Wellington match. And I want Latino Mysterio. Thanks to that little punk, I broke my hand. I want revenge.”
The commissioner is intrigued, but turns Beef down, "Beef, I know your Dad. I went to school with him. Harvard, you know. Now, every IWS superstar is prepared for the hardcore risks, but you Beef, at Violent Valentine's you went beyond hardcore, you climbed to the top rope and you unleashed a top rope ass punch. I've seen many hardcore moves and the ass punch is over the line. We all now the results."
Beef persists, "I know that I broke my hand on Latino Mysterio's scrawny ass of steel. But the finest Westmount doctor's have operated on my hand. It's fine. I want action. I want this match."
Commissioner Joe FitzMorris refuses to be swayed, "I know you, Beef, you're an IWS hardcore soldier. You are going to go for that ass punch. You got lucky the first time! You could be out for months. You could kill yourself. But I can see that look in your eyes. Tell you what Beef, if you get permission from your dad it's all right.”
Brian the Guppie announces, "I am told that we will have more footage of Beef Wellington, later."
The screen freezes, as one of the difficulties with the BattleNet connection manifests itself. It's much faster than my connection at home and the picture is very sharp, but on a dozen different occasions it froze as the computer had to re-buffer. At home, I almost never freeze, but the picture is much fuzzier.
Brian the Guppie unfreezes to say, "IWS tag team titles are not on the line at Know Your Enemies this Saturday, and that's your fault Peter LaSalle."
Peter LaSalle, who really needs to go back to referring to himself as "Booker P", shrugs, "I booked the match last week, my power in the IWS has gone up and up."
When Brian the Guppie protests that the match was totally unnecessary, Peter LaSalle is quick to disagree, "Did you not see the vignette last week? They were going after each other! El Generico was so mad with rage at Kamikaze Kid, he was stuttering, Ka... Ka... Ka..."
Brian the Guppie passes up a glorious opportunity to remind Peter LaSalle that the reason that El Generico was "stuttering" is because he was trying to read Kid Kamikaze's name on a promo photo. He instead segues neatly into an introduction for a Kid Kamikaze promo.
Kid Kamikaze is wearing the goofiest hat ever and standing in what appears to be some dusty southern town. He comes out yelling at someone to get him his Evian water ready.
"Hi, I'm Kid Kamikaze, one half of Hi-5, the IWS tag team champions. At Know Your Enemies, I am going up against El Generico. Now we all now that I could defeat El Generico easily in a straight up wrestling match, but I want to prove how much better than him I am by defeating him in a Lucha Libre match. That's why I am in Tijuana, training in the Lucha Libre style. I've been pretty lucky this week. I was able to train with Villano Number 1, Villano Number 3, Number 5, Number 7, Number 26, Lizmark, Mil Mascaras, Mil Mascaras Jr., Jerry Flynn and even Glacier. Yeah, Glacier. He's dropped out of sight, but he's been giving me the benefit of his vast knowledge of the Lucha Libre style. On Saturday, El Generico, I will kick your ass Lucha Libre style.
HEY! Gringo! Where's my Evian water?"
And we're back with Brian the Guppie and Peter LaSalle.
Brian the Guppie turns serious, "Angry Aryans vs. FOD. Let's be clear about this folks. This match is based on racism. The Angry Aryans, they not just dogged FOD they included their families in their evil ranting."
Peter LaSalle agrees, "This is one time I approve of the word deplorable."
Brian the Guppie insists, "This match, It's almost a shoot. A couple of weeks ago, we played the promo that the Angry Aryans cut that lead to this match. Now we would like to play that promo again, but because the Angry Aryans are from Germany, their accent is so thick, so let's see the promo again, but we'll translate their thick German accents into English."
Brian the Guppie and Peter LaSalle talk over the promo, making fun of the Aryans and making many veiled, well veiled is probably not the right word, how about... blatant pokes at the Angry Aryan's sexuality or lack thereof.
Peter LaSalle contributes, "My nuts are tight in my little black shorts. Bring in some shnitzel, because I am German. Where are those two big guys who are going to absolutely kill us. We want to die."
When FOD do run out, Brian the Guppie insists that the beat down translates as "BLAM"
(What no KAPOW?)
Peter LaSalle continues, "O Shneizer the big man is putting me down."
Brian the Guppie stops the translating, observing, "We don't need to translate this. The Angry Aryans are getting what they deserve. Hey we’re back. If you want to see Fire come this weekend to Le Skratch in Chomedey. Saturday, March 15th, Know Your Enemies. FOD and Iceberg know their enemies and this Saturday, the Aryans will burn.”
This excites Peter LaSalle, "Burning Germans! Burning Germans! Burning Germans! Nothing better than burning Germans, I always say."
Brian the Guppie tries to bring up St. Patrick's Day. I'm not entirely clear how he segued from lighting German racists on fire to talking about St. Patrick's Day, but somehow Brian managed.
Peter LaSalle, despite his green boa, is having none of it, "Fuck St. Paddy's day. This is my Anti Irish BOA! What are the Irish good for. All they do is eat potatoes and drink."
Brian the Guppie apologizes for Peter LaSalle comments.
(And not to get all IRISH or anything, but is it really a good idea to pick a fight with the IRA? I mean Peter LaSalle has nice knees, it would be an awful shame if something happened to them, don't you think?)
Brian the Guppie steers the discussion to the Dream Tag Partners, "Mathy 69 & Hardcore NINJA~#1 vs. Arsenal and Evil NINJA~#2. Arsenal has aligned himself with the Evil NINJA~ and his manager Iron Mike Patterson. Meanwhile, his brother Hardcore NINJA~#1 has aligned himself with Mathy 69."
Peter LaSalle is nonplussed, "That's a lot of aligning. That's a lot of brothers."
Brian the Guppie dismisses Peter LaSalle, "Thank you Peter you're no help. Mathy 69 and Hardcore NINJA~#1 aren't just fighting Arsenal and Evil NINJA~#2. They will also have to deal with Iron Mike Patterson and the Motivator of Madness. That's too much to fight against. Taking a small break."
Peter LaSalle interjects, "We're taking a fucking break."
Brian the Guppie gets word from the back, "Ringrats? We've got more ringrats footage? I can't believe we're showing this."
Astonishingly, Peter LaSalle agrees, "Fuck this garbage."
The Ring Rat bumps into the Green Phantom, "OH! You're the champ!"
GP shrugs her off and spends five minutes chewing her out which boils down to, "You cannot get with this green baby!"
Blood, Sweat and Beers commercial.
Beef Wellington is on the phone, "What do you mean NO? You're being totally unfair. First you got me a Jeep instead of a Mercedes for my birthday, then you wouldn't give me a pony, now THIS. I hate you Dad."
He hangs up the phone and runs into Brian the Guppie who is busy staring into his mirror and muttering, "I get no respect. Why can't I get any respect? Manny T and Peter LaSalle both get paid more than I do, they both have more fans. My intern gets paid more than I do. No one understands me. You're my only friend."
As Brian the Guppie hugs his mirror, Beef, who was trying to get Brian the Guppie's attention to ask him to book him in a match against Latino Mysterio, instead decides that the prudent thing to do would be to back away and not make eye contact.
We're back to Brian the Guppie and Peter LaSalle. Brian the Guppie is talking to his mirror.
Peter LaSalle apologizes saying, "He gets like this sometimes."
Eventually, Peter LaSalle breaks him out of it and Brian the Guppie runs off the set to put his mirror away and he comes back blushing shortly afterwards. He tries to change the subject by talking about the Dream Tag Partners match, and Arsenal walks out.
Peter LaSalle FREAKS, "OH. MY. GOD. Arsenal, on the program, for only the second time ever. I thought you were boycotting this program."
Arsenal replies, "The last time you (Brian the Guppie) pissed me off, you asked me if I had even won a match in 2002, and you remember what I said? I said that I won at Season's Beatings 2002! And since I was on last, what has happened? Since then I have gone Undefeated, UNDEFEATED! UN-DE-FEA-TED!!!"
Arsenal does a little victory dance.
(Arsenal, like Brian the Guppie, is also forgetting his victory against Onyx in the Tournament of the Icons. And he won a tag match with Eddy at Extreme Dream Part One.)
Brian the Guppie, missing a glorious opportunity to take credit for Arsenal's undefeated streak, instead tries to take back control of the interview, "Arsenal, you aligned your self with Evil NINJA~#2. When did that start?"
Arsenal answers, "I started about a year ago, in another fed. I began to notice the EVIL in Hardcore NINJA~#2. So, I nurtured it, I encouraged it, slowly, gradually, turning one NINJA~ against the other. I supported Evil NINJA~#2. I didn't get any help against Hardcore NINJA~#1. I won that match fair and square."
Brian the Guppie declares SHENANIGANS, "I suppose you has no knowledge that Evil NINJA~#2 was in the Motivator of Madness costume. That wasn't a plan to win the match?"
Arsenal denies SHENANIGANS, "That was for moral support and to get in to his brother's head. We're playing mind games with Hardcore NINJA~#1."
Brian the Guppie persists, "You're aligned with Iron Mike Patterson. I suppose he's making sure you get paid better."
Arsenal shrugs, "He helps us put together the match. This is not about money. Just as you, Peter LaSalle is the cooler co-host, so me and Iron Mike Patterson put together something cool. We thought of something beautiful. Here's a video for the Dream Tag Partner's match."
I can't really do the video justice. It was beautiful in a rugged, manly, hardcore wrestling kind of way. Hopefully, it will get put up on the IWS website soon.
"They were the hottest tag team in the IWS.
Until jealousy tore them apart
One NINJA~ (turned on his brother) (Turned EVIL?)
And the other is left alone."
"They were voted the two best wrestlers in Quebec
Arsenal & Mathy 69
They have been killing each other to prove who is number one
Yet no man has proved himself better than the other
On March 15th history will be made
Arsenal & Evil NINJA~#2 vs. Mathy 69 & Hardcore NINJA~#1
Dream Tag Partners match
Witness the insanity as the four craziest men in the IWS collide
Saturday March 15th
Know Your Enemies 2003"
Just to criticize that video on one teensy tiny small point. Arsenal DID beat Mathy 69 as did Evil NINJA~#2. It is impressive how over Mathy 69 is despite losing all the time, well twice, but still Arsenal has proved himself the better man.
We're back with Arsenal and Brian the Guppie and Mathy 69.
Now a lesser man would have been content to bask in the afterglow of the amazing video that he just saw, but not Brian the Guppie, wrestling journalist, no sir, "Arsenal, you're notorious for beating up the women in the IWS. Precious Lucy, Seska, Elsa Bangz, especially Elsa Bangz."
Arsenal answers, despite the fact that it's not really a question as such, "The whores in the IWS. The whores that hang around just make me want to puke. They get more money for just wetting their funbags and t-shirts, then we get for wrestling. IWS is about wrestling. It's not about tits and ass. Most of them don't deserve a fist fuck."
While Brian the Guppie tries to defend tits and ass, Arsenal and Peter LaSalle trade and demonstrate various hand gestures for "Fuck You."
After making a crack about the real Triple Threat in the IWS being his meat and two veg, Arsenal finally announces, "I can't take this shit. Fuck off!" And he leaves.
Brian the Guppie announces that they have footage of Seska and Joey, but he's not sure what it is, "We're left in the dark as always! We'll also have more footage of Beef Wellington. Will he be able to find someone to book him in a match with Latino Mysterio?"
Peter LaSalle hopes so, "He deserves that match. It's very confusing here in the IWS. We have two bosses. President Seska and Commissioner Joe FitzMorris."
We are thrown to a backstage skit involving President Seska and Commissioner Joe FitzMorris. The Commissioner runs into Seska in the hallway "accidentally" knocking a stack of papers out of her hands.
Joey "apologizes", "Excuse me Nurse Seska?"
Seska is not impressed, "You very well know that it's President Seska."
Joey smirks, "Oh right. You do realize that you are way over your head. You are trying to mess with my champion the Green Phantom. Onyx is a criminal. Manny is a junkie. How does an administrator make a junkie a referee? How does a administrator book a criminal in a championship match? Well, this Saturday at Know Your Enemies, Onyx won't be able to get Manny's help to steal the Green Phantom's title belt. Manny shacked up in the hospital, so on Saturday, you and everyone else will have no choice, but to get with the green. Now why don't you do something your good at and get on your knees... and pick up those papers... Ms. President."
Joey stalks off, and Seska stamps her foot, bends down and it's a FULL MOON over IWS-TV.
We're back and Brian the Guppie is quick to say, "What a smile on our President."
Peter LaSalle protests, "That's my line, You’re supposed to whine about the Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris not giving President Seska the respect that she deserves."
Brian the Guppie agrees, "Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris IS not giving President Seska the respect that she deserves."
Peter LaSalle throws his hands up, "When you talk we should be able to follow the bouncing ball. As much as I love the woman. Joey is our boss too, and he's right. Maybe she'll get some respect later."
Brian the Guppie moves on, "After the break we are going to reshow our promo video for Onyx/Phantom II. We had so many e-mails and requests for this package. But first I am told that we have some more footage of Beef Wellington."
Beef is on his phone again, "I'm sorry. It's not your fault. I was stressed. This has been a very tough month. I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it. OK. OK. I love you."
The camera pans over to reveal Emo aka Colonel Meez, the owner of emax tapes, aka the guy who runs the tape table at the IWS shows.
Beef, grasping at straws, asks, "Hey can you book the match? Me against Latino Mysterio?"
Meez licks his lips and asks, "How bad do you want it?"
Beef recoils, "Wait a minute. Aren't you just the guy who sells tapes at the show?"
Preening, Meez replies, "What ever you say sailor?"
Beef stalks off.
Meez cries after him, "Hey Beef don't you want to get Meezy?"
IWS Training School commercial.
We come back from the commercial to someone singing in a bathroom stall. It's Peter LaSalle from the voice.
Beef comes into the washroom, and knocks.
Peter yells out, "Come on in."
Beef swings open the stall door and then recoils in horror and turns his back on Peter LaSalle who is sitting on the toilet with his pants down and toilet paper everywhere.
Peter LaSalle has no shame, "BEEF! What can I do for you? I'm a little busy right now."
Beef shuddering asks, "I'm trying to get someone to book me in a match with Latino Mysterio at Know Your Enemies. Can you book that match?"
Peter LaSalle is so excited to be asked to book a match that HE STANDS UP, and we are saved from instant blindness by the lightning reflexes of the IWS cameraman, who pulls his camera up to torso height. LaSalle stands behind Beef with his hand on Beef's shoulder and while Beef tries very hard not to throw up on his no doubt expensive shoes, Peter LaSalle agrees to book the match, "You want to book a match. For you Beef, anything. At Know Your Enemies, Beef Wellington vs. Latino Mysterio. Now, I have to get back to my business... SHIT... Yeah." During this bit, Peter LaSalle also shook Beef’s injured hand, and Beef made a GREAT face somewhere between pain and disgust.
We're back to Brian the Guppie shaking his head in disgust, "I don't believe this. This can't be official. You can't have booked another match. They are telling me that it is official. Beef Wellington vs. Latino Mysterio. I don't believe it."
Peter LaSalle preens, declaring, "I do my best work in the shitter. Are there any more Mexicans that I can book in matches? I've got Mexicans. Mexicans for everybody."
Reluctantly, VERY reluctantly, Brian the Guppie admits, "Well you know what? That is very good booking. But I'm confused, You've booked half of the show."
Brian the Guppie and Peter LaSalle decide to give their predictions for Know Your Enemies.
Kamikaze Kid vs. El Generico
Brian the Guppie: El Generico Peter LaSalle: Kamikaze Kid
Angry Aryans vs. Faces of Death
Brian the Guppie: Faces of Death Peter LaSalle: Faces of Death not only win they destroy
Beef Wellington vs. Latino Mysterio
Brian the Guppie Latino Mysterio Peter LaSalle: Beef Wellington Peter LaSalle adds, "Are you serious? This is 100% Westmount beef. Latino Mysterio has no chance."
Dream Tag Partners: Arsenal & Evil NINJA~#2 vs. Mathy 69 & Hardcore NINJA~#1
Brian the Guppie: Arsenal & Evil NINJA~#2 Peter LaSalle jokes that the dream tag team of Brian the Guppie & David Schwimmer will do run-in and win but he eventually goes with Arsenal & Evil NINJA~#2 as well as his choice.
Onyx vs. The Green Phantom
Brian the Guppie: The Green Phantom Peter LaSalle: The Green Phantom
They throw to an Onyx promo
Onyx, looking very belligerent, declares, "Beware the Ides of March, Phantom. Saturday, March 15th, Know Your Enemies. The most prestigious title on the independent scene on the line: the IWS Heavyweight Championship Belt. You know it is. It's a belt men are prepared to fight for, to bleed for, to die for. Phantom, you've been ducking me for nine months. You can't run, you can't hide. We are going to be surrounded by fans who will want our blood, mine and yours. But that's OK. This is personal, I hate your guts and you have ten pounds of gold that I want. When everything is said and done, Chaos and Mayhem, two mothers running to the Jewish General..."
At this point, the Green Phantom runs out on the show, and interrupts the recorded promo, "Hardcore justice is coming to town. Onyx, your fairy godmother, Manny is not going to be there to interfere in another match. Manny is not going to be around, he's still in the hospital, and I put him there while you stood by and let me power bomb your partner through fifty light tubes. What are you going to do Onyx?
You are going to have a heart-attack. This Saturday, two out of three falls for the belt. I'm a machine, a machine of cardiovascular justice. Onyx, you are making the biggest mistake of your life. You cannot raise your dirty little fingers on this belt. Who ever gets in my way, learns how to...
GET WITH THE GREEN!"
Onyx is out. As Brian the Guppie and Peter LaSalle panic and head for safety, Onyx and Phantom end up head to head staring each other in the eye...
and we cut to the Onyx/Phantom promo video from last week.
"Onyx proved himself but
The Green Phantom managed to turn the tide
In January a giant obstacle was put in his way
(The giant obstacle being Steve Royds)
But he won with a little help from his friend
After a war at Violent Valentines he earned his shot
But the Phantom proved how far he would go
But on March 15th he gets his rematch
As #1 contender collides with the champion
March 15th Know Your Enemies"
Which leaves me only to say that the doors at Le Skratch in Chomedey, Laval open at 8pm. Be there or next week on IWS-TV, (bold prediction here) Brian the Guppie will say that you are stupid.
Ah, the John Cena rap album, the latest attempt by a wrestling superstar to cross over out of wrestling and find some kind of mainstream audience. The album is actually a collaboration between Cena and “Tha Trademark.