Just quickly, this is a day late because after IWS-TV, Llakor got into an INTERMINABLE argument on AIM with Col. Meez. By the time that they had finished discussing how to properly build a feud, I was sleepy. So, I blame Llakor, and, well Meez, for being so, for want of a better word, Meezy. I encourage you to do the same.
Mind you, here I am a whole whopping day late and Llakor's Know Your Enemies recap is getting ready to celebrate a birthday without being published, so WINNER IS ME!
Still, for all the wailing and gnashing of teeth that went on at the IWS board, you would think that I was the neighbourhood crack dealer or something. Now, see if any of you IWS Junkies had done what I had asked and sent me some form of gratuity, I could see my way clear to just hitting Llakor with a chair and taking over the computer. But NOOOOO!!! Well, there was one offer, and while I appreciate the sentiment, I really have to turn down the Red Army General's offer. I'm sure that he greatly enjoys his gay biker bondage magazine, and I'm touched by his offer to transfer me the subscription, but it's really not necessary. Did I say touched? I think that I meant revolted. If anybody wants to send me some Swedish lesbian porn on the other hand, please don't be shy.
We logged on to IWS-TV at 7:02. Since every week IWS-TV crashes on us, we took the precautions of logging off of AIM first. Sadly, this did absolutely no good, but we were able to reboot and get IWS-TV working in time for the end of the opening video.
Parenthetically, I would like to make a quick commentary about the chat room that loads when you access IWS-TV. There are a couple of problems with it. First of all, while you can scroll back to see previous remarks, when you do that and someone posts something new, you are dragged back to the end of the chat. So, it is effectively impossible to read the chat from beginning to end. The other thing that drives me NUTS is that you can't copy text from the chat to put somewhere else. There are frequently great lines in the chat that I would love to repeat here, but I am just not going to spend the hours necessary to scroll back and forth and transcribe them. Anyone who wants to have their smart alec comments included are encouraged to e-mail me at TheGreatandMightyOZfirstname.lastname@example.org.
Peter LaSalle is wearing a purple boa this week. "It's the 20th episode, our 20th week and we're not cancelled. I'm wearing my Tantrum shirt. Tantrum, they do the IWS theme song."
Brian the Guppie has been trying to get a few words in, "The IWS. It's always an action filled show. But for Know Your Enemies, March 15th, it will feature the most anticipated IWS main event of all time, the rematch between IWS heavyweight champion Green Phantom and Onyx, who will be a guest later on in the show."
Peter LaSalle starts sucking up to Onyx, but Brian the Guppie is having none of it, pointing out that LaSalle has been running down Onyx on the show for the last twenty weeks, so it's a little late to change your tune now.
LaSalle responds, "Hey! Who said that Onyx had earned his title shot last week? ME!"
Brian the Guppie ignores him and move on, "Fans, last week we showed you the shocking footage of Manny being slammed through fifty light tubes and we told you about the severe injuries that Manny suffered as a result. But we are hearing rumours now that Manny was injured far more severely than we originally thought.”
Peter LaSalle lists the injuries, “Swollen spleen, concussed colon, punctured pancreas, lacerated liver.”
Brian the Guppie points out, “The liver may be from all the years of drug and alcohol abuse.”
This horrifies Peter LaSalle, “That's nice. Here’s Manny clinging to life, tubes sticking out of him, with a concussed colon for Fuck’s sake, and you’re making jokes at his expense.”
Brian the Guppie scrambles, “PCP Manny is more out of it than ever. IWS Owner, Carol Cox.”
This starts a running joke that every time Brian the Guppie says Carol’s name, Peter LaSalle goes, “Gaaaargh!”
Brian the Guppie continues, “At Violent Valentine’s, IWS Owner Carol Cox (Gaaaargh!) appointed Miss Seska as President of the IWS. We have an announcement from Miss Seska."
Seska is seated at a desk wearing a tie, black-rimmed glasses, black stockings and garters and not much else. Honestly, I’ve no idea what she said. According to Llakor though, she said something along the lines of, “My top priority is you the the fans. When you want hardcore we will give you hardcore. Stick around things are about to get very interesting." Llakor also reports that Seska has very nice eyes. Frankly, I barely noticed the glasses.
When we come back there is no sound. For some odd reason, Peter LaSalle dances. After a while, the sound comes back in the middle of a discussion of the stipulation in the main event at Violent Valentine’s.
Brian the Guppie picks up the conversation, “Seska of course put in that stipulation, that if Onyx and El Generico won the main event that Onyx would get his title shot at Know Your Enemies. I would now like to welcome, Onyx, the number one contender, and I am told that he has had contact with Manny."
Onyx comes out and he is wearing glasses, which give him an odd scholarly look.
Peter LaSalle immediately moves into suck-up mode, “I’m wearing the purple boa for you Onyx, you're the greatest.”
Onyx is having none of it though, “Get away from me. You have the stink of the Green Phantom all over you.”
They have to go get a chair for Onyx. Peter LaSalle comes back with a leopard fur lined director’s chair and Onyx says, “You can keep the leopard chair. Yes, I have seen Manny in the hospital. It’s very disturbing to see him lying there, battered and broken with all those tubes sticking out of him, but on the bright side he seems to be happy about all the drugs that he's on.”
Brian the Guppie asks, “How is all of this affecting him psychologically?”
Onyx replies, “I’m not sure he even knows, he's on so much morphine.”
Brian the Guppie runs down the obstacles Onyx had to overcome, “To get this title shot, you had to beat Arsenal and Eddy, you beat the Green Phantom but didn’t get the belt, you had to beat Steve Royds, and you had to win tag team match against Steve Royds and Green Phantom with El Generico as your tag team partner. First of all, how is El Generico as a tag team partner?"
Onyx answers, “I give him props. He stepped up his game and showed that he deserved to be in the main event. Know Your Enemies, March 15th, the Ides of March, you saw what happened to Caesar, that’s what’s going to happen to the Green Phantom."
Brian the Guppie follows up, “Let’s talk about Miss Seska putting the stipulation in the main event.”
Onyx is grateful, "First of all, thank you to Miss Seska. I’m glad that I can finally stop chasing the Green Phantom, and he has to face me like a man. He thought he was Tony Hawk, or something hitting me with the skateboard on the back in the main event."
Peter LaSalle finally chimes in, “Six months you’ve been chasing the title. Having to overcome so many obstacles, don’t you think that the Phantom has an advantage, you're too eager.”
Onyx dismisses LaSalle, “I don't care, the Green Phantom is going to die, if he doesn't die I will still pin him. The most prestigious belt on the Indy scene is the IWS belt and it's coming home.”
Brian the Guppie observes, “Onyx, you’re a lot calmer than you have been in a while. Fans please remember this man was kidnapped, this man was kidnapped against his will. Do you have any last words for us Onyx?”
Onyx concludes, “The Green Phantom better be ready cause it's on. My thanks to you Guppie, keep up the good work. LaSalle, FUCK YOU!"
Brian the Guppie throws to a commercial.
Blood, Sweat and Beers Commercial.
When we come back, Peter LaSalle announces, “Order the tape or DVD, and thanks to Sandmouth.” He gives Brian the Guppie shit for last week’s error in calling them “ShitMouth” They start some banter about the owner of emax tapes, until Brian the Guppie points out, “Meez has lawyers.”
Peter LaSalle continues, “It's gets better. We didn't elaborate on the matches last week. Main event - was incredible.”
Brian the Guppie responds, “We got our money's worth. Manny’s bump was sick.”
Peter LaSalle grudgingly points out, “I didn’t think that El Generico had a place in the main event, but he really solidified his position. The opener featured Pat the Highlander Hamilton vs. Fred le Merveilleux. I [heart] Hamilton but Fred really sticked it to him.”
They talk about Arsenal vs. Hardcore NINJA~#1 match as well as the impromptu Mathy69 vs. Evil NINJA~#2 match. Eventually, Beef Wellington and Kurt Lauderdale storm the set. Kurt is carrying a picture of Kamikaze Kid. Peter LaSalle and Brian the Guppie get up to greet the invaders. Kurt places Kamikaze Kid’s picture down in Brian the Guppie’s chair. Peter LaSalle offers to shake Kurt Lauderdale’s hand. He ends up Hi-5ing him, declaring, “It takes a legend to take down a legend.” Referring I suppose to Kurt giving Irish Mike Luger a concussion.
Beef Wellington is irate, “I heard you talking about best matches from Violent Valentine’s, but nothing about Hi-5. Every Hi-5 match is the best match of the night. You want to know where Kamikaze Kid is. He had a violin concert. Stop touching me. (to Peter LaSalle) This show sucks. It should be all Hi-5 all the time. You know what IWS stands for? IWS stands for Incredible Westmount Sensations, not Internet Wrestling Syndicate. Don't touch my belt. (to Brian the Guppie) I don't think Kurt Lauderdale likes you Brian the Guppie."
Brian the Guppie tries to make light of the situation calling it “funny”
Kurt Lauderdale takes offence, “Do you think I'm funny?”
Brian the Guppie back pedals quickly, “No not at all, lets play clips of Hi-5 vs. the Latinos.”
Beef points out, “That’s a match you didn't even like enough to mention.”
They show clips of Hi-5 vs. Los Latinos with live commentary mostly by Beef. Beef is still upset about theft of his car and Hi-5’s belts. He declares that Los latinos are, “Cheating, Cheating, Cheating! See, Latino Kid is not even wearing regulation pants. My partner, Kamikaze Kid, with an impressive double northern lights suplex with a bridge, and the Latinos respond by pulling Kamikaze Kid’s shirt over his face and his pants down. The Latino Connection wanted to see Kamikaze Kid with his pants down and they got their wish. OH! There’s just no place for THAT (baby powder to Beef’s eyes) in professional wrestling! Now you see this. I bet that you think that when I dragged my partner onto a table, that I was blinded and had no idea what I was doing. I deliberately broke that table early so that my partner wouldn’t be hurt. This was a PERFECT victory for Hi-5.”
Brian the Guppie finally gets a word in edgewise, “And here’s the Kurt Lauderdale run-in. You looked really bothered by Latino Kid, Kurt. That footage was supposed to contain the most deadly move in the IWS, the ass punch. What was the injury that Beef sustained again Peter LaSalle ?”
Peter LaSalle, wrestling medical journalist, has the answer, “A Transverse Metacarpal Fracture.”
Beef is less than impressed by the injury, “You know I’m here for the fans. The fans come to see the most dangerous, the most thrilling moves in wrestling, and I oblige them. I got up on the top rope, I landed a perfect ass punch, I thrilled all the fans in attendance and what does Latino Mysterio do? He ruined it! I broke my hand on his bony little teenager ass! Look at this! I have to wear my watch on my left hand, now! Say thank you to Kamikaze Kid’s photo for gracing this show, Guppie. Show some gratitude!”
Brian the Guppie, the gutless wonder, thanks the photo of Kamikaze Kid for joining them. After Kurt and Beef leave, he turns on Peter LaSalle, “So you're friends with Kurt Lauderdale now? You're a real class act, you know that? Coming up next some even more interesting things.”
Peter LaSalle reacts quickly, “Are you saying this show is boring?”
Brian the Guppie scrambles, “It’s never boring in the IWS. But to quote Miss Seska ‘you'll see more hardcore’"
Training School Commercial Summer Slaughter Commercial
When they come back, Brian the Guppie plugs emax tapes, “We love emax. It ain't easy being meezy.”
Peter LaSalle finally clues in on the Ides of March that Onyx mentioned a lifetime before. They talk about the dream tag match at Know Your Enemies: Arsenal & Evil NINJA~#2 vs. Mathy69 & Hardcore NINJA~#1. They introduce clips of Arsenal vs. Hardcore NINJA~#1 from Violent Valentine’s.
Clips of Arsenal vs. Hardcore NINJA~#1 with live commentary.
Peter LaSalle comments, “I want Arsenal's shirt. I love me. This is vintage Valleyfield technical wrestling. The Motivator of Madness is at ringside helping Arsenal.”
Brian the Guppie exclaims, “Metal hitting flesh, that’s a barb wire bat!”
Peter LaSalle adds, “And that's completely legal in the IWS!”
Brian the Guppie after an Arsenal Fisherman Buster declares, “Incredible move!”
Peter LaSalle responds, “I gave him that move. Barbnuts, that's just not pretty. Are you sure that’s a martial arts kick?”
Brian the Guppie replies, “Arsenal is well versed in martial arts.”
Peter LaSalle persists, “So if I kick someone it's a kick, but if I take one stinking karate class, it's a martial arts kick? I love it when you get excited.”
Brian the Guppie reacts with surprise when the Motivator of Madness pulls off a SWEET~ thrust kick and he is completely floored when the Motivator of Madness pulls his mask off and reveals himself to be Evil NINJA~#2. unmasking.
Peter LaSalle isn’t buying it though, “Why are you acting so surprised, I thought you were at a show? Why don't you use ‘deplorable’? You seem to like that word.”
They’re back, and Brian the Guppie is fanning himself off, “I’m hot after that one.”
Peter LaSalle is amused, “You’re having hot flashes! Violent Valentine’s was one of the most violent IWS shows ever. Pat Hamilton and Onyx both suffered concussions, Beef suffered a Transverse Metacarpal Fracture delivering an ass-punch to Latino Mysterio’s bony little ass. And of course, we all know how badly Manny was banged up.”
Brian the Guppie jumps in, “That’s right fans and if you would like to send your best wishes to Manny, you can do that by sending an e-mail to: email@example.com"
At this point, a familiar, scratchy voice booms out from off-screen, “Can I send a get-well message? Can I send Manny a get well card?” It is, of course, the IWS champion the Green Phantom. “Manny, if you’re watching, get well, get well in your head. You see Manny, every time you get in my business, you get hurt.”
Brian the Guppie is excited and surprised, “This is only the second time that you have ever been on the show! But, I thought you were out training?”
The Green Phantom ignores Brian the Guppie, “I am the man who carries this company. Guppie, I just don't want to talk to you, I'll talk to him (LaSalle) any time.”
Brian the Guppie tries to make this an actual interview, “Green Phantom, you’ve been ducking Onyx for months.”
The Green Phantom is unimpressed. He proceeds to rewrite recent IWS history in his favour while they replay the footage from the end of the main event at Violent Valentine’s, “I haven’t ducked Onyx. I’m scared of no man, I’m from Two Mountains. HEY! I did Onyx a favour taking him out of the Fans Bring the Weapons match. He’s not hardcore to survive a match like that. At Blood, Sweat and Beers, Onyx only got the pin because of Manny. Thank god the Commissioner is looking out for me, to stop the criminality. Like I give a green ass Mannys hurt. He hit me with a light tube in the back during the Onyx vs. Royds match at Season’s Beatings. He deserves everything he got. This is some footage of some hardcore justice. That's beautiful, that's fucking poetic. How could you do that to a champion? Seska, that whore, that porn star made a junkie a referee. How could a junkie be a referee? This is what we do to junkies in Two Mountains. That's what happens to people who get in my way. That’s what you get from your troubles. Manny, the champ is not going to send him an email. I’m going to send him a box of aspirin and suggest that he take it all at once. Look at this, look at Onyx doing nothing while Royds and I power bomb Manny through fifty light tubes. If Manny had been my partner, I would have gone to Manny's aid. If Onyx had tried to put Steve Royds through fifty light tubes, I would have saved Steve Royds, I would have saved my partner. You think that a junkie as a ref, and a man who ditches his partner are GOOD? This belt, the IWS heavyweight title belt is the most prestigious belt in North America.”
Once the Green Phantom has run down, Brian the Guppie winds him up again, “Green Phantom will you try and back out of this match?”
The Green Phantom really dislikes that question, “Why do you say back out and my name at the same time? I’m from Two Mountains. We back down from nothing. Do you think criminals deserve title shots? Do you think junkies should be refs? On March 15th, at Know Your Enemies, Onyx will find out what it is like to Feel the Green all on his own.”
The Green Phantom stalks off.
Brian the Guppie winds down the show talking about a memo for the next week’s show. Peter LaSalle is upset that he didn’t get the memo as well.
Closing out the show, Brian the Guppie concludes, “Next week. Things will get even more interesting. As good as Season’s Beatings was, Know Your Enemies will be that much better!”
(edited by The Great and Mighty OZ on 27.2.03 2357)
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Welcome, everyone, to the latest EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, the column that everyone is talking about! I'm Canadian Bulldog, the creative force behind the Canadian Bulldog Burger (try one with fries today!).