Greetings Peons! Once, again, it is I, the Great and Mighty OZ, your recapping hero, and that means that it is time to... ...BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!!! As always, I’m Plain text and I’m proud, BAY-BUH!! For those unclear on the concept, unlike Llakor, I am not a nice guy. I thought I made it clear last week that I was looking for offerings for this work. Wrestling tapes, DVD’s, tickets to No Way Out, and HEY! CASH IS ALWAYS GOOD! Remember, you don’t want me to get angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
I logged on to IWS-TV early and got to see clips from the Manny vs. Arsenal vs. Hardcore NINJA~#1 three way dance from Season’s Beatings 2002. I get booted off from the site and had to reboot my computer, but fortunately I was back in time for the credits.
As always, your hosts are Brian the Guppie and Peter LaSalle. LaSalle, sporting a classy new yellow boa, declares, “Violent Valentines! My expectations were met and exceeded. We saw Comedy, we saw hardcore action, we saw blood and we saw Beef Wellington break his hand when he unleashed his famous top rope “Ass Punch” on Latino Mysterio”
Brian the Guppie chimes in, “Violent Valentines! An unbelieveable event, if you missed it you're stupid. But the next IWS event looks to be even better: Know Your Enemies, March 15th. Three matches for that show are already announced and we will talk about them tonight. Peter LaSalle, that’s a great boa, but this is not Sesame Street, so why the Big Bird?”
Peter LaSalle quickly responds, “Will you please stop talking about my cock?”
Brian the Guppie changes the subject quickly, “I have to give big props to El Generico, who really stepped up his game in his very first main event.”
Peter LaSalle agrees, adding, “Yes, I ran into him in the washroom stalls crying before the match. I think that he was excited to be in the main event and wanted to do well, but he seemed to think that he was going to die for some reason.”
Brian the Guppie points out, “El Generico in fact got the pin for his team in the main event with a little help from PCP Crazy Fucking Manny who was reffing the match after both Peanut and Ruffneck got knocked on their ass. We need to say fans, that what happened after the match, what Green Phantom and Steve Royds did, it’s shocking what happened to Manny. He was put through more than 30 light tubes. I have a medical report in front of me of what happened to Manny: 50 stitches to his back, a concussion, lacerations to his arm and a major tear in an artery.”
Peter LaSalle decides, “We should sing a song to Manny!” He sings “Tomorrow” from Annie. Brian the Guppie halfheartedly joins in and both men falter after the first couple of verses when LaSalle forgets the words to the song.
Brian the Guppie promises, “We will see the footage of Manny’s injury later. At Violent Valentines Carol Cox made a major announcement. It was a shocker, a major shocker. Let’s see it now.”
(I should just mention here that Llakor got all up in my business about how you spell Carol Cox(xx)’s name. Apparently there are more than one porn star with that name and if you spell it the wrong way, the porn stars and their lawyers get all cranky, and lord knows we don’t want cranky porn stars.)
So the Carol One X Cox promo was played at Violent Valentines. It’s a whack of legalese which basically consists of Carol being all pissy because Joey wouldn’t return her phone calls. He has a contract so she can’t fire him, but she can give him a boss, so effective Violent Valentines the new president of IWS is Miss Seska.
(You see what I was saying about cranky porn stars? Poor Joey, here he is trying to run a nice clean wrestling federation and he has porn stars bossing him around. Actually, when I put it that way, it doesn’t sound so bad.)
When we come back, Brian the Guppie declares, “I’m happy that Seska is in charge. Finally someone will be able to put a leash on the Commissioner and rein him in.”
Peter LaSalle, on the other hand, is less certain, “I’m torn. On one hand Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris is the greatest boss ever, on the other hand I have a soft spot in my heart for Miss Seska.”
(You sure that’s a soft spot in your heart and not a hard-on?)
Brian the Guppie is incredulous, “Joey the greatest boss ever? How can you even say that with a straight face? After months of chasing the Green Phantom, Onyx finally has his title shot, and it’s all thanks to Miss, sorry President Seska.”
Peter LaSalle retorts, “Onyx has a title shot March 15th at Know Your Enemies because he is finally worthy.”
Brian the Guppie changes the subject, “At Violent Valentines, WonderFred announced that he wanted to be called Fred le Merveilleux.”
Peter LaSalle is unimpressed, “Rene Levesque Mother-Fucker! He also made you read his entrance in French.”
Brian the Guppie agrees, “Yes he did. He’s French, he wants to be introduced in French it makes perfect sense. He went on to beat Pat the Highlander Hamilton with help from a guy you admire LaSalle, Righteous Rick Sterling. After that match Hi-5 defeated the Latinos in controversial fashion when Beef Wellington pinned Latino Mysterio with help from the ropes.”
Peter LaSalle doesn’t like that, “You're so full of shit Guppie it’s dribbling off your chin. A superstar like Beef Wellington doesn’t need to use the ropes to get a pin.”
Brian the Guppie does his best to ignore Peter LaSalle, and brings up Beef breaking his hand after his top rope Ass Punch on Latino Mysterio.
Peter LaSalle sets the record straight, “Look Guppie, any time an IWS superstar goes to the top rope to attempt a high risk maneuver he knows that he is putting himself at risk. Beef landed his world famous top rope Ass Punch and he sadly suffered a transverse metacarpal fracture.”
(Parenthetically, I would like to point out how Peter LaSalle missed a glorious opportunity to point out that Latino Mysterio obviously has the hardest, boniest ass in wrestling. I mean, you could slice tomatoes on that thing.)
Brian the Guppie moves on, “Arsenal beat Hardcore NINJA#1 in their match. Throughout the match, Arsenal’s manager the Motivator of Madness was running around at ringside, and would you like to guess who was wearing the Motivator’s mask? None other than Evil NINJA#2, who immediately challenged and beat Mathy69 with help from Arsenal. After their match, Arsenal challenged Mathy69 and Hardcore NINJA~#1 to a tag-team match against him and Evil NINJA~#2, March 15th at Know Your Enemies.”
Peter LaSalle, “You really like this Mathy69 kid don’t you? Because I hate him! Prancing around in his fruity tights and bouncing and flipping everywhere.”
Brian the Guppie gets somber, “Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris booked another match at the next show and this one I agree with.”
Peter LaSalle replies, “Oh you do?”
Brian the Guppie goes on, “The Commissioner booked the Angry Aryans vs. the Red Army after certain racist comments by the Aryans. We will have Iceberg and FOD on later to discuss what happened at Violent Valentines. We’ll talk more about in a bit, but first let’s take a quick break.”
Blood, Sweat and Beers Commercial runs. The music for the commercial is provided by a band called SandMouth. For weeks, LaSalle has been calling them ShitMouth, forcing Guppie to correct him and apologize, so LaSalle is quite amused when we come back from commercial and Guppie in his haste to get in first with the band name calls them ShitMouth, and LaSalle gets to correct Guppie for a change.
Once that fun is passed, Brian the Guppie turns sombre again, “I'm not one to judge. But the remarks made by the Angry Aryans were clearly inappropriate. But, again, I’m not one to judge.”
(Yeah, Guppie, you’re not one to judge, because you’re a PUSSY.)
Fortunately, Peter LaSalle is having none of Guppie’s bullshit, “I am one to judge. These fucking guys piss all over everybody. They deserve everything that’s coming to them.”
Trying desperately to regain some credibility (and failing) Brian the Guppie adds, “For those who have not seen them before, I must warn you, the Angry Aryans, Damian and Viking, their views do not represent the IWS. Well, let’s face it, the Angry Aryans believe in white supremacy. They made some deplorable comments at Violent Valentines, and well, let’s see them.”
From Violent Valentines, Damian has the mike, “Of all the teams in the IWS, we hate the Fucking Red Army the most. FOD, a black guy, married with a white woman, same with Iceberg, that Hogan wannabe, is sleeping with a black woman. We hate you and we want you to come out right now.”
The IWS crowd is chanting, “FOD is going to kill you!” at the Aryans.
Brian the Guppie in the ring at Violent Valentines can’t believe what he’s hearing, “You WANT FOD and Iceberg to come out after what you just said about their wives? Are you nuts? OK. Your funeral. Iceberg and FOD can you come out please.”
Iceberg and FOD run in from the crowd catching the Aryans from behind and just DESTROY the Aryans culminating in FOD lighting a table coated with caps on fire and Iceberg putting Viking through it. But before they can really start breaking bones, the Commissioner is out to declare that he smells money in this feud and that he is booking the grudge match at Know Your Enemies.
Before the clip breaks off Damian promises FOD, “Next month big lips, we will have a huge surprise.”
Back on the set, two extra chairs have been added.
Brian the Guppie announces, “We would like to welcome Iceberg and FOD, former IWS Tag Team champions. It’s their first time on this program, but not the first time that I’ve interviewed them. I’ve never seen them this quiet before. You guys are one of the most sickest tag teams, I’ve ever seen, but I’ve never seen you this quiet. This is obviously very serious, your family, your wives were brought into this.”
FOD, in a very quiet voice, says “They got my wife involved, got my brother, my best friend involved, they got his wife involved. I’ve never seen Iceberg this mad before. He cant wait to get his hands on your scrawny necks. The commissioner said anything goes, in this match, so Angry Aryans, all we can think about is what weapons can we bring to destroy you, what kind of fire could we build to destroy you.”
Brian the Guppie nods, adding, “You’re normally very intense individuals.”
FOD responds, “We give props to the Red Army, but from now on we’re Faces of Death. I almost feel sorry for those two little creeps.”
Brian the Guppie grimly continues, “We hear a lot of stories about things that happen in the IWS locker room spilling out into the ring. This is as real as real can get. March 15th, at Know Your Enemies, the team of Iceberg & FOD will rip the Angry Aryans a new asshole. Both of you are in multiracial marriages, I suppose this sort of thing has happened to you in world, now its intruded into your work.”
FOD replies, “The last person who pissed us off is not around any more. I hope that IWS management has an ambulance at the next show because the Aryans are not walking out. There is no escape for the Aryans, they ran behind the commissioner’s ass. Did you hear the IWS fans at the last show Aryans? The IWS fans wanted me to burn you alive. I’ve got to give those fans props. This is the first time we ever had a racial problem in the ring and its here in the IWS. I almost hope something happens before March 15th, because I am afraid of what we'll do the Angry Aryans. Damian, you said you have a surprise for us? Good. We don't care. We are like a locomotive, and we will run right through whatever surprise you have for us. Bring an army. It won’t do you any good. On March 15th, there’s no more hiding from us.”
Brian the Guppie, almost fearfully, tries to coax a few words from FOD’s tag team partner, “Iceberg is there anything you want to say?”
FOD answers for him, “March 15th, at Know Your Enemies, his actions will speak for him in the ring. If IWS management gets in our way, we will take them down too. NOTHING is stopping us at Know Your Enemies.”
Iceberg and FOD leave the set.
BTG says, “I hope they destroy the Angry Aryans,” and throws to a commercial.
IWS training school commercial.
When we come back, Brian the Guppie takes Peter LaSalle to task for saying nothing during the interview, “First of all, I’ve never seen you speechless.”
Peter LaSalle is uncharacteristically sombre, “Did you see the vein on the side of FOD’s head? It was bulging out.”
Brian the Guppie agrees, adding, “Iceberg and FOD will kill the Aryans. You just saw Carol Cox announce that Miss Seska is President of the IWS.
Peter LaSalle chimes in, “She’s a multi-faceted individual but is she more powerful than Joey?”
(When LaSalle says that Seska is multi-faceted does he mean that she has a nice ass?)
They argue briefly as to how much power Seska actually has. Guppie finally concludes that they need more information. They announce that we will see Seska’s first act as President again at Violent Valentines.
Seska is back stage where she confronts Joey. He gives her no respect, but she eventually gets his attention long enough to tell him that if Onyx and El Generico win their match then Onyx will get a title match at Know Your Enemies. Joey in his rage turns into a Tourette’s patient, until Peanut walks by, at which point he starts buttering Peanut up.
When we come back, Brian the Guppie concludes, “I think we need some new refs in the IWS.”
Peter LaSalle begs to differ, “Peanut is the most reliable ref in the IWS.”
Brian the Guppie ignores LaSalle and points out, “The stipulation was that if the team of Onyx and El Generico were victorious, and they were then ONYX gets his title shot FINALLY at Violent Valentine's.”
Peter LaSalle is not impressed, “She's line dancing all over Joey's feet.”
Brian the Guppie disputes LaSalle’s view, saying, “I think she’s doing a great job, and she's authorized us to show clips of the main event from Violent Valentines.”
We get clips of the main event with commentary from Guppie and Peter LaSalle. The story of the main event in brief was that to isolate El Generico, Onyx got handcuffed to the ropes. El Generico, isolated, was beaten half to death. To keep El Generico from getting pinned, Onyx takes out Peanut. Ruffneck is also taken out, so Seska comes out and makes Manny ref.
Brian the Guppie warns us on commentary that we are about to see, “One of the most vicious, deplorable acts I’ve ever seen.”
After a great deal of to and forth action once Onyx breaks free of his handcuffs, El Generico gets a cover on Steve Royds and PCP Manny jumps on El Generico’s back to hold Royds down while he counts the pin on him. In revenge, Phantom and Royds go nuts, hitting Onyx with a light-tube skate-board. As for Manny, they rip his shirt off and then power-bomb him through what Llakor has described as a light tube mattress. We see Manny’s back all torn to shit, and then we see footage from the back of Manny getting stitched and giving the camera a thumbs up.
Brian the Guppie informs us that Manny needed an epidural to stop the bleeding and to go to the hospital for treatment.
Peter LaSalle adds, “It was an incredible match nonetheless.”
Brian the Guppie observes, “I’ve seen a lot of hellacious IWS main events, this one topped them all.”
Plugging the next show, Peter LaSalle points out, “At Know Your Enemies, Iceberg & FOD DO Know Their Enemies and they will take out the Aryans. And I will admit that Onyx has finally earned his title shot. He did have to move up the ranks.”
Brian sighs and asks, “How do you say it with a straight face? The Green Phantom has been ducking Onyx since October.”
LaSalle repeats himself only slower and after some prompting repeats his description of Beef’s injury “a transverse metacarpal fracture.”
Peter LaSalle wraps up, telling us, “Season's Beatings will be out soon on DVD and VHS, it was a little delayed, also Violent Valentines will be out soon as well. Thanks for watching, now for something a little fun.”
Attack of the Killer Tits.
We see Zoe, Beef Wellington with his shirt off, Latino Mysterio with his shirt off, then the contest featuring Zoe, Emily and that crazy dancing chick with the skin-tight washable suede pants whose name I don’t remember. I’d ask Llakor, but he’s gone to sleep already, and he’ll just rattle off her name like I’m an idiot for not remembering it. Zoe and the crazy chick won in a tie.
As an added bonus, I include this transcript of a chat that Llakor was taking part in during the replay of the wet breasts footage.
The REAL Llakor: (Now watching footage from the IWS Wet Breasts competition) chretienbabacool: Damn <--sad The REAL Llakor: Don't cry for me Argentina Ramo2653: Are they nice wet breasts? The REAL Llakor: yes Ramo2653: Good deal. The REAL Llakor: Zoe was DAMN FINE The REAL Llakor: and the one with the small tits had killer legs, suede pants and a killer dance routine markingsmart: but she still had small boobies~!!!!!!! The REAL Llakor: <- willing to live with that The REAL Llakor: plus she was the one who actually took her shirt off The REAL Llakor: Also at IWS wet breasts contests the biggest pair never wins. The REAL Llakor: and now HLA markingsmart: The REAL Llakor (7:02:15 PM): Also at IWS wet breasts contests the biggest pair never wins. (are these judges blind??!?!?!?!?) The REAL Llakor: The crowd votes The REAL Llakor: By cheering The REAL Llakor: We tend to vote using the following criteria: Ramo2653: Big tits aren't everything. The REAL Llakor: 1. Nudity The REAL Llakor: 2. Wild and Crazy Behaviour The REAL Llakor: 3. Symmetry The REAL Llakor: 4. (and last) Size Alen At Work: Symmetry is very important chretienbabacool: Ryan likes big breats and he cannot lie chretienbabacool: breasts* SalilaLucha: 4/4 The REAL Llakor: TEASE markingsmart: The REAL Llakor (7:10:19 PM): The crowd votes (well that explains everything, Canadians=K-RAZY~!) markingsmart: i like big breasts, but i dont care for freakishly big breasts
Good article, Tom. I think this line is something that I've been waiting to read:
Rock looked up to Hogan as a kid. Rock feels that Hogan sold himself out. Hogan sees himself as wrestling's biggest star ever.