Try and remember that unlike Llakor, I don't do this out of the goodness of my heart. I do this for Fame, Fortune and Babes, though in a pinch, I'll settle for choice tickets to No Way Out.
The Great and Mighty OZ broadcast #1
IWS-TV (February 12th, 2003)
Greetings Peasants! It is, I, the Great and Mighty OZ, your recapping king, and I present for your reading pleasure the recap of IWS-TV that just went down, mere minutes ago. You see, unlike that procrastinating peon, Llakor, I can get my reports out quickly. Mind you, if I do this entire recap in Italics it’s going to get annoying real quick. Just a second... ...BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!!! There we go! I’m Plaintext and I’m proud, BAY-BUH!!
Rumour had it that the show would start (late) around 7:15. Speculation was that this was because Commissioner Joey FitzMorris was busy discussing with his lawyers what to do with Peter LaSalle and Brian the Guppie after the Commissioner tossed them off the show last week for playing PORN during the show, specifically, Seska tweaking IWS owner Carol Coxxx’s breasts while complaining about the performance of Commissioner Joey FitzMorris, and Carol Coxxx pumping Peter LaSalle (in EVERY sense of the word) for information about the IWS.
The show has started says the chat. Refreshing now! Opening Video! IWS! BloodStream!!
The Commissioner Joey FitzMorris has replaced the old hosts with a Plant! It has more IQ than Guppie! He MIGHT give Guppie and LaSalle another chance later.
This Saturday, it’s VIOLENT VALENTINES. Nothing shows love like a little violence. The main event: Steve Royds & Green Phantom vs. Onyx & El Generico The Commissioner has a side-bet with the champ, the Green Phantom as to how many ribs of Onyx he can break.
The Tag-Team title match: Hi-5 vs. Los Latinos Now a grudge match after Los Latinos stole Beef Wellington's car (BMW) The PLANT TALKS! And it’s a Hi-5 fan!
Pat “The Highlander” Hamilton promo! Guppie is talking to his mirror again! “I have a show on Team 990, why don’t I get any RESPECT?!?” Pat is DRUNK out of his mind. His shirt says: Pissed off and Pissed. Pat thinks that Guppie is WonderFred. “You want to make a name for yourself? See this name on the bottom of my boot? There’s a name, and I’ll put it all over your face. You don't want me near the beer. Give me a big hug before the match.” He hugs Guppie, "Now, take that camera and that mike and make like a Tree and FUCK OFF" Guppie, "Why do I have to do these stupid interviews? Why can’t LaSalle do them? I have my own radio show."
Back to the Commissioner "Watch the alcohol Hamilton. I’ve already gotten rid of the junkies. The drunks are next." Sterling promo, and he has a GREAT shirt, "Why am I not booked at Violent Valentines? I should be the main event? I busted Hamilton open. He was bleeding like a stuck pig. Even the idiots on the IWS Message board know that I should be on the card at Violent Valentine’s. Well, if I’m not going to be scheduled, I’ll just have to make my own schedule. I am going to bring each and every one of YOU a special Valentines. You all love me. You just don't know it yet."
Back to the Commissioner, "Pat, take care of your liver, because it looks like Sterling is getting ready to take care of you."
Commercial break. Blood, Sweat and Beers now available on DVD Back to the Commissioner, "Blood, Sweat and Beers, one of the premier events here in the IWS. It’s a reason for living for two hours or so."
HEY! Steve Royds is out, "I was in the office. I found this tape. It's Patterson on vacation. Iron Mike Patterson & Evil Ninja#2 on vacation." Steve Royds is writing an essay on wrestler's and kneepads. (Is it just me or are they ribbing Llakor here? He did write an entire article about tag ropes Steve Royds continues, "This is the GREATEST VACATION EVER"
They play the tape. Evil NINJA~#2 wearing an open hawaiian shirt, swimming trunks, safari hat (and mask). Iron Mike Patterson with a Hulk shirt under an open hawaiian shirt, swimming trunks and a SWANKY white boa. Iron Mike Patterson rants and raves about organizing the GREATEST Vacation ever. He sends out Evil Ninja#2 to play volleyball. Iron Mike Patterson declares that only two more matches remain for Ninja#2 to become IWS Heavyweight Champion.
And we’re back with the Commish and Royds. Commissioner Joey FitzMorris declares, “That video was obviously taken early in their vacation because you are darker than them, Steve. Iron Mike Patterson had a great boa on, Peter LaSalle should be taking notes. Patterson was also wearing a great Hulk shirt. In turn Steve Royds wonders, “Was that the ROCK in the background? The real Rock: Don Muraco.” The Commissioner points out, “Both Iron Mike Patterson and Evil Ninja#2 were drinking. Isn’t that breaking the Ninja codes or something?” Steve Royds declares, “Evil Ninja#2 is the better ninja!”
The Commissioner turns to the chat log from the live webcast declaring that people from Afghanistan are tuning into IWS-TV, this somehow segues into a discussion of how he dislikes criminals which inevitably leads to a discussion of Los Latinos. “We don't like criminals,” announces the Commissioner. Steve Royds agrees and decides, “We're going to take those criminal Latinos and put them into a match, to PUNISH them. HEY! also a latino, El Generico, I'm going to bust him up on Saturday. Why is that red light on the camera flashing at me?”
Steve Royds starts to demonstrate what he is going to do to Onyx, jumping up and down on all kinds of things in the set. The Commissioner calms him down and they decide to look at footage of the Los Latinos vs. Hi-5 match from Scarred For Life with live commentary from Steve Royds and the Commissioner. This match is lowblowriffic. During the match, Steve gets off a great line, “El Generico is like a tennis ball, and I am a big racket.” Los Latinos cheat to win, and suffer a Hi-5 beatdown at the end.
The Commissioner points out that maybe the reason why Los Latinos stole Hi-5’s belts and Beef’s car was to get revenge for that beat-down months before. Steve wonders if they have melted down the tag title belts to make gold necklaces.
IWS Training school commercial.
When we come back from commercial, Commissioner Joey FitzMorris declares, “I am a very busy man. There’s already a line-up around the corner by my office. Against my better judgement, I am going to invite back Guppie and LaSalle. But I want them to do the show exactly the way that we have been doing it, Steve. They should imitate us and then they could put on a great show.” Steve chimes in to say that Guppie and LaSalle should be “like a mirror.”
Guppie and LaSalle come out. LaSalle is sporting a purple boa. LaSalle immediately starts sucking up. Guppie tries to duck responsibility and gets picked on by everybody. The Commissioner appoints Royds to “stay and watch to make sure that they don't screw up. I was late to start this show because I was consulting my lawyers. My lawyers tell me if you screw up, he (Royds) can break your bones."
Guppie starts in on Peter LaSalle and his escapade with IWS Owner Carol Coxxx the week before. LaSalle fights it for a little while, calling it “a Booty Call” and then gives up. Guppie points out that LaSalle is equally offensive to just about everybody on the program, insulting every race, religion and sex, but that last week tops them all. Guppie then declares that he’s proud of LaSalle, but before he can explain why Steve Royds is out to protest. He tells them that they should do the program just like him and the Commissioner, “like a mirror”
So, LaSalle and Guppie begin a WICKED imitation of Commissioner Joe FitzMorris and Steve Royds. Including Peter LaSalle dropping elbows on the floor and then doing push-ups. Royds likes it!
Guppie and LaSalle segue to Manny vs. Arsenal vs. Ninja#1 from Season’s Beatings 2002. You know, I wasn’t at this show. I seem to remember Llakor nattering on about this match, but really who has the time to read his recaps? But, this match was SICK! Arsenal was using a barb-wire bat like a rolling pin and Manny’s back like cookie dough. Both Manny and NINJA~#1 were busted up all to hell, and that was BEFORE the THUMBTACKS made their appearance. We only see clippage of the match, but it’s enough to show that Arsenal is well and truly the SICKEST BASTARD in CHOMEDEY, especially a sequence where Arsenal Fisherman Buster’s Hardcore NINJA~#1 from the top rope onto the THUMBTACKS, then a second time onto the THUMBTACKS and then, just to be sick, a THIRD time onto a BARB-WIRE board.
Guppie declares, “That’s just a taste of Arsenal vs. Good Ninja#! Just a TASTE!” (If Arsenal vs. Good NINJA~#1 was a breakfast cereal what would it taste like? Honey Barb-Wire with Crunchy Glass Bits?)
Guppie also announces that Wailing Jimmy Handjob broke his ankle, so the match between him and Kurt Lauderdale is off. On the other hand, Mathy 69 will be there doing something, we’re not sure what. He then segues into a Manny, Onyx & El Generico promo skit.
El Generico is in the woman's bathroom. Onyx yells at him, "Stop being pussy and come out" El Generico refuses, wailing in fear. Manny convinces Onyx to let him try and get him out, “Hey DUDE! It’s Manny! Come on out! Oh Well. I tried, he’s not coming out.” Onyx threatens to call Immigration and that gets El Generico out of the washroom. With El Generico very skeptical and scared to piss of Steve Royds, Onyx tries to give him a pep talk, "You got OLE! We can make a great team! My power, your speed. I do most of the work, you hit and run."
Just when El Generico is beginning to be convinced and starts to chant OLE! followed by the Onyx chant, Manny breaks in and cuts a Konnan promo. El Generico runs back into the bathroom and locks it. Onyx is pissed, “Manny, you scared him!”
We come back and Guppie declares, "Don't blame him for being scared. His first main event. All the other guys are twice his size."
Brian the Guppie thanks Commissioner Joey FitzMorris for bringing him back, runs down the card again:
Pat “The Highlander” Hamilton vs. WonderFred Los Latinos vs. Hi-5 Tag Team Title Match Arsenal vs. Good NINJA~#1 Onyx and El Generico vs. Steve Royds and the IWS champion the Green Phantom.
And the show is out with archived Wet Breast footage. (Not sure what show though. It looked like a 2001 show possibly.)
Since I am an unrepentant J.R.R. Tolkien addict, I will attempt to identify everyone in the story by their roles in the trilogy... Frodo Baggins: Chris Benoit Samwise Gamgee: Tommy Dreamer Merry Brandybuck & Peregrin Took: