I believe that I mentioned last week that Llakor finally got around to ordering high speed. I would like to claim credit for that, and I personally think that rearranging his alphabet soup to read “order hs now” was a stroke of genius, but he claims that it was because he was tired of all the hiccups in service that we were enduring in his dial-up service after the flood. Of course as soon as he orders High Speed, the problems with his dial-up service MYSTERIOUSLY clears up. Not that I believe in conspiracies or anything.
I would like to send a shout-out to IWS heavyweight champion, Dru Onyx, who unlike the rest of you pathetic losers appreciates the hard work that goes into these recaps. That said, sadly I am unable to accept Dru Onyx’s generous gift. Llakor sort of freaked when I told him that he had signed me up for the gat of the month club. Something about firearms certificates and licenses and blah, blah, blah, honestly I just tune him out after a while, you know? It’s a shame though, that Desert Eagle Magnum 44 that was promised for week four looked SWEET.
When I logged into IWS-TV, they were replaying the NINJA~ press conference from the week before. For completeness sake, I will repeat that here:
The press conference has a dais in the middle and from left to right, Hardcore NINJA~#1, President Seska, Peanut, Brian the Guppie, Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris, Evil NINJA~#2, and last but certainly not least, Iron Mike Patterson. The press conference begins with Patterson screaming at Hardcore NINJA~#1, "You are NOTHING, you hear me? NOTHING!"
Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris intervenes, declaring, "I feel a lot of pent-up anger here. We're here to sign some documents then go on our ways until April 12th at Freedom to Fight. Brian the Guppie tells us why we're here, says "Know Your Enemies" instead of "Freedom to Fight" a lot, introduces everyone, and announces, "At the request of Hardcore NINJA~#1, the contract is in Japanese."
Hardcore NINJA~#1 signs first.
Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris offers the contract to Iron Mike Patterson to examine, but he declines,"I don't need to read anything. My guy can win anytime anywhere. And I plan to interfere a whole lot."
Seska signs, after Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris asks her not to use the pen on herself as a dildo, and she pantomimes that she would rather use it on him as an anal plug.
Finally, Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris signs, saying, "My signature, the one that counts, the golden signature, and that makes the match official.
Brian the Guppie calls in Peter LaSalle, Renaissance Man to translate the contract.
Iron Mike Patterson yells, "I don't need it translated, It means hurt for Ninja#1"
Peter LaSalle translates, "It's an ancient transcription, but I think I can make it out. It says Saturday, April the 12th at Bar Le Skratch in Chomedey Laval, Hardcore NINJA~#1 will face Evil NINJA~#2"
Iron Mike Patterson interrupts, slapping Evil NINJA#2's back, "That's you! That's you!"
Peter LaSalle continues, "They will face each other in a no-holds barred, this can't be right, a no ropes barb-wired match?"
Iron Mike Patterson, FREAKS, "NO, I'm deathly afraid of barb wire! I can't interfere with barb wire!"
Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris is also opposed, "I won't have these two fine young athletes putting their lives at risk."
President Seska confirms the match, "That's what the contract says, that's what's going to happen. This is a hardcore fed. That is a hardcore match, and it will happen."
Peter LaSalle is selfishly pleased, "I told you my translation was right."
As Brian the Guppie finally gets the name of the event right, Iron Mike Patterson wails, "He can't wrestle that night, he's moving. It's his truck!"
We're back to Peter LaSalle grilling Brian the Guppie over a fire over calling the event Know Your Enemies instead of Freedom to Fight over and over again.
Peter LaSalle opts for the quick exit, "Thanks for tuning in, We hope that you enjoyed BloodStream. We're back next week as the road to Freedom to Fight continues."
They then play the exit credits from the week before and go to black and everyone on the chat board FREAKS because they have gone to black. I reassure them, that the intro credits will start soon. Admittedly, there is no difference between the exit footage and the intro footage but how hard is it to figure out? Despite the confusion and panic, playing the last few minutes of the previous show before the new show is a good idea especially when it’s important footage like the press conference.
The intro credits start around 7:10.
Brian the Guppie begins, “We’re back on BloodStream, it’s only ten days until Freedom to Fight. As always, I am joined by the very flamboyant and charismatic Peter LaSalle.”
Peter LaSalle, who is wearing a black boa, gives props to the new set which is very blue, complementing Brian the Guppie’s blue shirt. Honestly, if Peter LaSalle hadn’t pointed out the new back drop I never would have noticed.
Brian the Guppie calls Know Your Enemies “off the hook” and Peter LaSalle makes fun of him for trying to be hip so Brian the Guppie, with as much dignity as he can muster, says, “It was a very enjoyable wrestling card. Already signed for Freedom to Fight: Angry Aryans vs. FOD. One of the few things we agree on Peter LaSalle is that we both hate them (The Angry Aryans)
While Peter LaSalle promises to refrain from calling for “Burning Germans”, Brian the Guppie continues with the card, “Also booked Wailing Jimmy Handjob vs. Career Killer Kurt Lauderdale. I have been trying to get a word with Kurt Lauderdale, but he won’t talk to me.”
Peter LaSalle is excited, “I’m very pumped up about this match, I like this Job of Hand. Unlike you I show proper respect for the tag champions Hi-5, so Kurt and I get along fine, but I won’t divulge at this time what he has told me.”
Brian the Guppie moves on announcing, “Onyx vs. El Generico. El Generico, the only undefeated wrestler in the IWS and the man who was instrumental in Onyx getting his title shot, facing Onyx for his IWS Heavyweight title.”
Peter LaSalle FREAKS, “This is a bullshit match. Onyx is scared of REAL competition. El Generico is 48 lbs soaking wet. He jumps around like that freaking taco chihuahua.”
After trying to defend El Generico, Brian the Guppie moves on, “And finally, in a match that IWS fans have waited YEARS for: Ninja vs. Ninja in a no holds barred, no rope barb wire match. TV’s Iron Mike Patterson has been trying desperately to get his lawyers to overturn that contract that he signed and get Evil Ninja Number Two out of this match.”
Surprisingly, Peter LaSalle agrees with Guppie, “He signed the contract, it’s his own tough luck he didn’t read it first. We get to see brotherly blood, Guppie. We get to see families tear each other up.”
Brian the Guppie throws to an interview that he tried to have with El Generico where the Masked Mexican basically looks intense and says “IWS” and “ocho y nada” a lot, but otherwise ignores Guppie’s questions.
We’re back and Brian the Guppie is impressed by El Generico, “I have never seen El Generico more focused and motivated. Before, Peter LaSalle, you said that El Generico does not deserve this title shot. He has pinned Steve Royds TWICE and retired Manny.”
Peter LaSalle is not backing down, “He’s a piece of trash. Those were bullshit matches, he had help winning all of them. Onyx wants an easy three second match for his first title defence.”
Brian the Guppie continues the argument, “You are saying that Onyx wants an easy match. You are saying that El Generico is not a real opponent. I think that El Generico has a good chance to beat Onyx.”
Peter LaSalle throws up his hands as Brian the Guppie introduces the clips of El Generico vs. Kamikaze Kid from Know Your Enemies, “Give me a Fucking break! I think El Generico is a great wrestler, but he’s not in the same league as Onyx.”
They show clips of the opening match from Know Your Enemies with Brian the Guppie declaring, “El Generico vs. Kamikaze Kid, a great cruiserweight match. El Generico, the Mexican master of the arm drag. It’s great moves like these that make El Generico a great opponent. Go around, go around, go around and Kid Kamikaze with a beautiful release German suplex that bends the Mexican in half, and a drop-kick right to the mush, mush, mush.”
Peter LaSalle joins the “mush” chant and busts on Brian the Guppie for calling every move beautiful, before accusing Brian the Guppie, “El Generico is your guy.”
Brian the Guppie responds, “He’s not my guy. I’m just pointing out what I see. This sensational kid from Tijuana showing his heart. Steve Royds with Kid Kamikaze’s belt. El Generico ducks, Royds runs over Kid Kamikaze. El Generico kicks Royds out of the way and covers Kid Kamikaze for the win to stay undefeated.”
Peter LaSalle responds to Brian the Guppie’s emotion, “Whenever you wear that blue shirt you are way more passionate. How can you say undefeated when he’s had help to win every single match.”
They are back and Brian the Guppie continues the argument, “Are you saying that Steve Royds meant to do that? Steve Royds was inadvertently helping El Generico. Size does not matter, Peter LaSalle.”
Peter LaSalle refuses to be baited, “I’m not JOJO SAVARD, I can’t read his (Steve Royd’s) mind. El Generico’s a pretty good wrestler but he’s 155 pounds vs. 325 pounds of Barbados bad-ass. Size doesn’t matter? Says a guy who watches oriental midget porn.”
Brian the Guppie sniffs and responds, “There’s nothing wrong with oriental midgets,” before throwing to a skit involving El Generico, Kid Kamikaze, Kurt Lauderdale.
EL Generico is sitting alone on a couch when Kid Kamikaze sits on one side and Kurt Lauderdale sits on the other making him the Lucha Libre filling in a Hi-5 sandwich. El Generico sits there looking grim while getting verbally assailed by Kid Kamikaze, “You think you’re tough because you beat me. You didn’t beat me. I’m the winner. I’m pretty. I don’t have to wear a mask to hide my ugly face. You couldn’t beat me on your own, you needed that big goof Steve Royds to beat me. Come on Kurt let’s go.”
Blood Sweat and Beers commercial
We come back from the commercial to the Ring Rat standing in the hallway. Arsenal walks by, she flashes him and he doesn’t even break stride while saying, “No.” The Ring Rat gets offended and calls him back. Arsenal looks back and says, “I’ve seen better” and he walks off.
We’re back with Brian the Guppie who is stunned by Arsenal’s reaction, “What better? She’s hot. Arsenal wants that title match with Onyx. Meanwhile, what has happened to the Green Phantom? He hasn’t been seen since he lost his belt. We don’t even have his reaction to the Onyx/El Generico title match. His cell phone is turned off; Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris refuses to talk to me.
Peter LaSalle plays coy, “I’ve heard something. It’s just a rumour, but we could see at Freedom to Fight a match with Arsenal and the Green Phantom. It’s just a rumour, say no more. You see compared to you Guppie, I get things done. No, I haven’t talked to the Green Phantom. Hi-5 is just telling it like it is. El Generico fluked out that win against Kamikaze Kid, and doesn’t deserve a title shot.”
Brian the Guppie ignores Peter LaSalle, “El Generico is usually very positive, happy-go-lucky even. Now he’s focused intense. I’ve never seen him intense like this. Now we will see another El Generico match. His second match from Know Your Enemies against Steve Royds.”
Peter LaSalle is less than thrilled, “All i want to say is - do we have to comment? YES? SHIT! I thought you were calling for a Billy Jack Haynes vs. Tatanka lumber-jack match.”
As the clips begin to play, Brian the Guppie declares, “They aren’t good enough for the IWS. The Natural Steve Royds vs. El Generico. Steve Royds is gone supposedly, have you talked to him? No? He won’t talk to me. He hates me. This was a challenge match. Steve Royds is dazed and confused like Peter LaSalle on a Saturday night.”
Peter LaSalle waves that off, “Is that supposed to be humour?” and he gives a huge Foley-esque fake laugh.”
Brian the Guppie continues the commentary, “HIGH back body drop. And now Steve Royds is covering El Generico and he does a push-up to break the cover. These pushups on El Generico are such egotism. What if El Generico wins the IWS heavyweight title, Peter LaSalle ?”
Peter LaSalle rejects the idea, “Then I’ll be his biggest fan. It won’t happen. Steve Royds is so sexy. I didn’t say that.”
Peter LaSalle and Brian the Guppie get into an argument about a move with Guppie calling it a kick to the solar plexus and LaSalle calling it a kick to the face. It is finally resolved by Peter LaSalle, Can I get a ruling? Kick to the Face? Brian the Guppie is WRONG!”
Brian the Guppie presses on, “Steve Royds just hit him in his Latin testicles. That clothes line turned El Generico inside out. Oh that poor garbage can.”
Peter LaSalle is distressed, “Inside out and all around. The garbage can? Where the hell is Manny going to sleep now? OK THAT was impressive!”
THAT as Brian the Guppie informs us, “That was a somersault Van Terminator. It’s that kind of innovation that has earned El Generico his title shot against Onyx. Hi-5 is getting revenge on Royds for interfering on Kamikaze Kid’s match. Steve takes out Beef. He picks up Kamikaze Kid for the Anabolic Drop!”
Peter LaSalle is cheering for Steve Royds to “Go for the pin,” until Brian the Guppie points out, “El Generico is not even in the ring. Now he is and the quick roll-up and the pin on Steve Royds. Did he (El Generico) ask for help? No, he didn’t. That’s the Career Killer Kurt Lauderdale. He’s man-handling Steve Royds. The Career Killer (fireman’s carry power bomb) through a table. Shocking, absolutely shocking.”
We’re back. Peter LaSalle is so excited that his boa is going in a dozen directions all at once, “Stupid Fucking boa, all tangled up. Did he ask for help? No, but does that matter?”
Brian the Guppie goes out on a limb, “My prediction is that there’s more than 70% chance that El Generico will win the belt. No, I wouldn’t like to bet Peter LaSalle. I don’t bet, I’m a professional. My hypothesis, El Generico has 70% chance of winning the belt. What’s a hypothesis, Peter LaSalle?”
Peter LaSalle, Renaissance Man, has the right answer, “It’s an educated guess. My hypothesis is that I have a 80% chance of scoring with Guppie’s sister after the show.”
They throw to a Kurt Lauderdale Career Killer Promo where he promises to end Wailing Jimmy Handjob’s career and he gives a list of the guys that he’s already injured: Steve Royds, Irish Mike Luger, Jacques Rougeau, Billy Gunn.
We then get a Beef Wellington and El Generico back-stage skit. El Generico is getting water when Beef comes up and starts running his mouth, “I’ll have some Evian with a taste of lime. HEY! El Generico. Kamikaze Kid, have you seen him? You know the guy that you beat by fluke? You are a joke, you know that? How did you get a title shot? You don’t deserve a title shot; you don’t deserve to be in the IWS; you don’t deserve to be in wrestling, you are a joke.”
Finally, El Generico SNAPS and slugs Beef Wellington and stalks off. Beef stumbles and the calls out, “That didn’t hurt! OUCH! I need a dentist...”
We’re back, and Peter LaSalle steals one of Brian the Guppie’s favourite words, “That’s DEPLORABLE. The strain of a title shot is too much, Guppie. Finally, this guy is SNAPPING.”
El Generico charges on to the set and stares into the camera and making the universal symbol for “I want the belt,” he declares, “El Generico, Onyx, IWS, Freedom to Fight, IWS, ocho y nada, IWS, Onyx, Generico, LaSalle y puta”
El Generico stalks off leaving Peter LaSalle to wonder, “Why do I need to be called a puta?”
Brian the Guppie declares, “Next week is the last show before Freedom to Fight. We will have an answer about the Green Phantom and Arsenal situation. More matches will be announced. And other surprises. Next week on BloodStream!”
Peter LaSalle responds, “There is only a 75% chance of that actually happening,” and they end the show arguing over whose line is what.
Just two small additional things to note. First that was the 25th episode of IWS-TV and neither Brian the Guppie nor Peter LaSalle remembered to mention it. Now, I can understand Brian the Guppie forgetting what with his dinosaur-sized brain filled to the brim with shills for his radio show, but you would think that at least Peter LaSalle could count to twenty-five.
Second, from the IWS web-site this announcement from the IWS management, “hey fans The IWS is now moving into a bigger studio in Downtown Montreal. With this move we have decided to make the format for IWS TV even better. The shows will now be pretaped and aired twice a week. What the IWS would like to ask its fans is what nights during the week would u like us to stream IWS TV at.
please give us the days or evenings and times you would find it more efficient and we will gatehr the info and stream it then. Thanx”
Concerning the column... good as always, but the PPV leaders link is messed up. (I think you forgot to put the wrestling subdirectory in it.) And no, I'm not mentioning this because I'm in first place... it's for the GOOD OF THE PEOPLE!!!