Chomedey, Laval, Québec, CANADA Sunday, March 16th, 2003
*FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE*
Onyx defeats Phantom to become IWS Heavyweight Champion
Dru Onyx defeated The Green Phantom two falls to one to become the new Internet Wrestling Syndicate Heavyweight champion, in front of a sold-out crowd at Le Skratch in Chomedey, Laval, Québec, Canada, in the main event of the IWS’ March show: Know Your Enemies.
After the match, Dru Onyx, who hails from Chomedey, Laval, promised to be a fighting champion declaring, “I’m 325 pounds. I’m too fat to run!” His victory capped a six month chase for the titles which included victories against Arsenal and the Sexxx Exxxpress, Sexxxy Eddy to become the number one contender; a victory against The Green Phantom that Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris declared retroactively to be a non-title match; a victory against The Natural Steve Royds to maintain his status as number one contender; and, finally, a tag team victory last month during Violent Valentine which saw Onyx paired with the cruiser weight El Generico to fight against the team of heavyweights: The Green Phantom and Steve Royds.
The hometown hero, Dru Onyx, thanked the cheering fans of the IWS calling them, “The craziest... fans in Independent Wrestling.” He dedicated the victory to his brother whose birthday it was and his grandfather who died last month. Conspicuously absent from the people that Onyx thanked after the match was PCP Crazy Manny, who many IWS watchers credit with being instrumental with Onyx getting his title shot.
Manny, who as guest referee helped El Generico pin Steve Royds in the main event at Violent Valentines, was unable to attend Know Your Enemies. As IWS followers know, The Green Phantom and Steve Royds took their revenge on Manny at Violent Valentine by power bombing him through 50 light tubes. Manny has been confined to a hospital bed ever since. On IWS-TV the week after Violent Valentines, host Brian the Guppie announced that Manny’s injuries included, “a concussion, 50 stitches, a torn artery and a heavily cut arm.” His co-host, Renaissance Man Peter LaSalle, reported the following week that Manny’s injuries were even more severe than originally thought and included, “A punctured pancreas, a swollen spleen, a concussed colon and a lacerated liver.”
In other matches at Know Your Enemies, in the opening bout El Generico from Tijuana, Mexico, pinned Kid Kamikaze from Westmount in 16:55. El Generico got the victory against one half of the IWS tag team champions when Big Steve Royds hit Kid Kamikaze with his own tag team title belt after El Generico ducked Royds’ swing. After the match, Steve Royds challenged El Generico to what he called, “A cockroach dance,” for later on in the evening.
In a grudge match, Beef Wellington from Westmount pinned Latino Mysterio from Lima, Peru in 9:48. At Violent Valentine, Beef Wellington suffered a transverse metacarpal fracture when he hit Latino Mysterio with his famed top-rope ass punch in a successful tag team defence against the Latino Connection. Ignoring medical advice, Beef placed his surgically repaired hand at risk to hit his trademark ass punch for the victory.
Senior IWS official Peanut stopped the match between the Angry Aryans and Faces of Death at 5:05 awarding the match to Faces of Death. The match, booked by Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris after the Angry Aryans made racist comments about Faces of Death and their wives, ended when Iceberg set the bottom table of a table pyramid on fire just before his partner Face of Death dove off a speaker platform driving Viking through the table pyramid and into the fire. After the match Damian vowed revenge on Faces of Death, promising to bring reinforcements to the next show.
In the Special Challenge Match, a tired and battered El Generico beat Steve Royds from Pompono Beach, California in 11:50. The rookie sensation ran his undefeated streak to 8-0. El Generico, the so-called “jobber who never loses”, pinned Steve Royds when the Natural Superstar was distracted by Hi-5 who had come out to protest his interference in Kid Kamikaze’s match earlier in the night. After the match, Hi-5’s bodyguard Career Killer Kurt Lauderdale annihilated Steve Royds putting him through a table with the dreaded fireman’s carry power bomb. El Generico revived Steve Royds after encouraging the crowd to chant “Royds”. An emotional Steve Royds shook hands with El Generico and presented the Lucha Libre star with his trademark sequined cape. Thanking the crowd for their support, Steve announced, “I think that I’ll go back to the gym. I doubt that you people will see me again.”
In the highly anticipated Dream Tag Team Partners match, Arsenal from Cochrane, Ontario and Evil Ninja Number Two from Fabertown, Japan beat Evil Ninja Number Two’s brother, Hardcore Ninja Number One also from Fabertown, Japan and XS69 from Montreal after Arsenal pinned XS69 in 17:22. In a match that featured innovative and painful uses of ladders as chiropractic instruments of torture, Arsenal won after putting XS69 through a table with a top rope fisherman’s buster. Prior to the match it was announced that XS69, formerly known as Mathy69, was joining the IWS roster full time. After the match, Arsenal demanded a title shot pointing out that he has been undefeated in four months of wrestling the best wrestlers in Quebec.
In the main event, a two out of three falls, falls count everywhere match, Onyx beat the Green Phantom two falls to one in 26:51. In the first fall, The Green Phantom pinned Onyx in the middle of the ring in 6:42, after hitting him with the green mist and a suplex. In the second fall, Onyx pinned Green Phantom outside of the ring in 10:43 after punishing the Green Phantom with his Ground Zero (modified sidewalk slam) from the apron through a table. During the final fall, The Green Phantom brought first thumb tacks and then a pane of glass to the ring in an effort to put away Dry Onyx for good. Finally, Arsenal ran into the ring, hitting Onyx twice on the back with his kendo stick and then breaking his kendo stick on the head of the Green Phantom. Onyx took advantage to power bomb The Green Phantom through the pane of glass propped between two chairs for the pin and the win at 9:26.
I just couldn't figure it out. I mean, I quit recapping Raw when it got too God-awful, then I didn't start again when it was less God-awful, and now I'm screwed because I'm sick of having this Contributor tag and only using it once a month.