What do you do when you have just put on your best attended, most profitable, most critically acclaimed show ever? Well, after the hangover subsides, you get back on the horse and do it again. Of course, sometimes topping yourself is harder than at other times and after Un F’N Sanctioned 2007, I will be honest, here at the International Wrestling Syndicate we were at our wit’s end trying to figure out what to do next. Putting together a wrestling card is a bit like assembling a jigsaw puzzle, sometimes you end up with pieces that just don’t fit. You can either get a hammer and make them fit or you can shake up the pieces and start again. We were shaking up the pieces for the twentieth time when Kevin Steen walked into the IWS offices...
“Hey guys, turns out that I will be in Montreal on April 28th. Can you use me?”
IWS owner PCP Crazy F’N Manny looks at Kevin and with a total poker face says, “Sure Kev, I think we can squeeze you in somewhere.”
Now, I know Manny. And in his eyes I could see the glint of triumph that Manny has when he has just had “a cunning plan.” (Fortunately, Manny has never watched Black Adder.) And these days, all of Manny’s cunning plans revolve around getting the IWS title off Viking. Normally, I would say that to get Viking’s belt you would have to pry it out of his Cold. Dead. Fingers. But the truth is that Viking is the IWS champion “sans ceinture” - without a belt. The IWS title gold vanished during the riot at Breakout 2006 when Viking won the title and Manny refuses to spend a thin dime on a new belt as long as Viking is champion.
So Manny’s plan is for Steen to beat Viking to within an inch of his life the way that Steen did at Hardcore Heat 2006 in the Quebec Match of the Year. Then the third man in the contest gets rid of Steen and grabs the vulture pin and Voila! Manny’s pick: “Paranoid” Jake Matthews is IWS champion and Manny buys a new belt.
There are only three problems with that plan: Viking who is twice as stubborn as Manny and three times as crazy, Kevin who is already reserving an extra seat on his next trip to Japan so that the IWS belt can travel there in style, and surprisingly, “Paranoid” Jake Matthews. I mean everyone knows that I think that the man is, well, SCUM! ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gpY-AkRJDc ) but even I have to grudgingly admit that the man backs down from nobody and it is just not his style to do nothing and wait for Kevin Steen to do all the work and then scoop up the vulture pin. Not to say that he won’t take his shot if it happens, but I do not expect him to stay out of the fray until his chance appears either.
Know Your Enemies 2007 Card Quick and Dirty Saturday, April 28th, 2007 Montreal, Quebec, CANADA Bogey’s World, 3250 Cremazie East, (Corner of Cremazie and St-Michel, Near Metro St-Michel)
IWS Title: Kevin Steen vs. "Paranoid" Jake Matthews vs. Viking
IWS Tag Team Title: Super Smash Brothers (Player Uno and Stupefied) vs. Green Oil Two: Electric Boogaloo (The Green Phantom and Sexxxy Eddy)
EXesS Challenge: EXesS vs. Justin White
Team Checkmate (Lionel Knight and Chris Bishop) vs. the Hardcore Ninjaz
Rock and Cock Express (Twiggy and Pornstar Juan) vs. Hi-5 (Kid Kamikaze and Beef Wellington)
The master of distortion, Shayne Hawke, after being roundly defeated by Fred la Merveille, has turned his sights to slightly less challenging game, Fred’s Flying Lizard buddy, Kenny the Bastard. Of course, to hear Shayne tell it, he has embarked on a heroic quest to slay a ferocious dragon.
I wonder if I can get someone from Memphis to teach Kenny how to throw fireballs in less than two days? Shayne Hawke would look really good engulfed in flames. It would match his hair. Maudit Roux.
Only slightly less prone to exaggerating their abilities than Shayne Hawke: the Rock and Cock Express, Twiggy and Pornstar Juan, or as they have taking to calling themselves of late, Juanzilla and the Twigginator... or was it Twigzilla and the Juaninator? Difference is Twiggy and Juan are endearing and Shayne Hawke is just annoying. Plus Juan and Twiggy actually pay me to make them look good on the internet, especially when they are about to face tough foes like Hi-5, Beef Wellington and Kid Kamikaze. It is easy to look at the constant carping between these so-called “Best Friends Forever” and forget that Kid Kamikaze is one of the most dangerous technical wrestlers in Canada, while Beef despite his clownish antics is surprisingly effective and successful in the ring. If Hi-5 are actually capable of working with each other rather than against each other, the Rock and Cock Express may never leave the station.
The next stop on EXesS’ Challenge Tour may be his toughest. EXesS loves to beat up on rookies, but as Dru Onyx is fond of pointing out, Justin White is not just any rookie, he is the 2006 NWA Rookie of the Year and Dru’s star pupil. If EXesS starts shooting on this rookie, Justin White might just start shooting back!
Two more IWS tag-teams both convinced that they deserve to be IWS champions are running right smack dab into each other at Know Your Enemies as the former champions, the Hardcore Ninjaz meet the former Number One Contenders who never did get their title shot, Team Checkmate, Lionel Knight and Chris Bishop. Going into this match these two teams have very little history with one another. But after these two seriously pissed and highly competitive teams are done with one another, I suspect that there will be history and probably drama and potentially a lot of violence.
Violence is the religion at which the Green Phantom and Sexxxy Eddy worship and their religious jewelry are not blood soaked rosaries but two bloody and singed tag team title belts. The new team of Green Oil Two: Electric Boogaloo fought for their titles through a cloud of light tubes and fire and emerged victorious. But in the IWS, there is no rest for the Wicked, and so our champions will put their belts on the line against the surging team of the Super Smash Brothers, Player Uno and Stupefied who won a hellacious four team ladder match to earn their shot at the titles. Uno and Stupefied may be no match for Eddy and the Phantom when it comes to size or experience, but they are just as crazy in their own way as the champions and the 8 bit luchadores do have one ace up their sleeve: up up down down left right left right B A Start.
Also at Know Your Enemies expect to see Fred la Merveille, PCO and Shane Matthews in action along with others.
The IWS presents: Know Your Enemies 2007, Saturday, April 28th, 2007 at Bogey’s World Bar & Billiard, 3250 Cremazie Est (corner of Cremazie and St-Michel near the St-Michel metro), Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:00pm, show starts at 8:00pm, tickets are $20 for VIP, $15 for Regular. 18+, card and times subject to change. For more information go to www.syndicatewrestling.com or e-mail Llakor@hotmail.com .
Everyone at the IWS is rooting for El Generico who is off representing the IWS and Canada and Tijuana (and PWG) in the King of Europe Cup this weekend. Next week, he will be competing in wXw’s 16 Karat Gold Tournament. He is the only Canadian wrestler scheduled to compete in either tournament. We are proud fit to burst.
My new job is as the Festival Director for the Young Cuts Film Festival ( www.youngcuts.com ) We feature the best emerging film makers 25 years and under. The festival will take place in Montreal from August 16 to 19. If you know of any young film makers, point them in my direction. Thanks.
Is this the first two-man commentary team where both were wrestlers? They are very good, talking up the matches as they had, adding details about strategy, dropping names all the time, and playfully sniping at each other.