As some of you know, between a recent move that I was forced into because of my scum-bag slum landlord and my diabetes, I haven't had the energy, the time or frankly the desire to do the IWS writing in the volume that people were accustomed to. I'm still not fully moved in and unpacked, but my doctors and I seem to have found the right insulin levels for my condition and as my energy levels perk up, I can be more physically active which also improves my condition.
So, I'm not quite ready to say that I'm 100% back, but as far as last night's show is concerned, I am.
I should mention however that after all that time being cooped in my own misery, frankly I'm not fit for polite society. On the other hand...
This IS the IWS.
We're FUCKING Hardcore with TWO FUCKING HEADS!
So this report is going to be FUCKING dirty and if you don't like that...
IWS Born to Bleed
Viking is the Last Man Standing
Viking defended his IWS Heavyweight Title last night out lasting both "Canadian Dynamite" Max Boyer and "Paranoid" Jake Mathews in a Three Way Last Man Standing match that could better be described as an all out war that engulfed Bogey's World.
Saturday, November 4th, 2006 Bogey's World Bar and Billiards Montreal, Quebec, CANADA
Dark Match: Franky the Mobster vs. Sofirios (sp?) Franky the Mobster wins with a sit-out choke slam power bomb after 11:43.
Match #1: "Up in Smoke" (Cheech and Cloudy) vs. "Team Checkmate" (Chris Bishop and Lionel Knight) Match went to a double count-out after 13:02.
Match#2 - Four Corners Match: "American Idol" Shayne Hawke vs, Jimmy Stone vs. Stupefied vs. Player Uno Shayne Hawke pinned Player Uno for the win after 9:10.
Match#3: "Rock and Cock Connection" (Twiggy and Pornstar Juan) vs. "Above Standards" (Carl Choquette and Eric Lauze) Above Standards won in 9:04. Eric Lauze and Carl Choquette double-pinned Twiggy.
Match#4: Frederique La Merveille Lauzon vs. El Generico El Generico pinned Fred at 12:16.
Match#5 - Two out of Three Falls Match: EXesS vs. Beef Wellington EXesS won the match two falls to one. EXesS won the first fall at 6:27, Beef won the second fall at 12:24 and EXesS won the third fall at 23:57.
Match#6 - Flaming Tables Match for the IWS Tag Team Titles: "Green and Mean" (Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom) vs. The Hardcore Ninjaz The Hardcore Ninjaz defended their tag team titles by combining to power bomb the Green Phantom from the top rope through a flaming table after 8:53.
Match#7 - Three Way Last Man Standing Match for the IWS Title: "Paranoid" Jake Mathews vs. "Canadian Dynamite" Max Boyer vs. Viking Viking defended his IWS title after 13:49.
Before Born to Bleed started, fans were treated to a dark match filmed for Quebec cable network VRAK-TV for their show "Tête Première". The show gives young teens a chance at their dream job. In this case, 17 year old Luki Sabiti's dream job was to become a professional wrestler. After more than fifty hours of intensive training from WWF veteran and three time tag team champion Pierre Carl Ouellet, assisted by "Canadian Dynamite" Max Boyer, Luki Sabiti aka Sofirios had his wrestling debut last night.
Of course, this being wrestling (and the IWS) nothing is handed to you, nothing is easy. Amongst the rejected stunts for Jackass 2: being thrown to wild dogs with a pork chop tied to your neck; having your chest sliced to a bloody pulp and being thrown into a shark tank and making your professional wrestling debut against Franky the Mobster.
Before the match, Beef Wellington urged the IWS fans to give Sofirios an enthusiastic response since it was their opportunity to be seen on TV... And he was given a loud polite response. The reception for Franky on the other hand was nothing less than thunderous. Franky pretended to misunderstand the "You're Going to Die!" chants saying that he felt a good chance of surviving the match. So we switched the chanting to "Franky's Going to Kill You!"
Franky introduced himself to Sofirios and went on to explain, "I'm basically a bitter person. I have issues... and right now one of my issues is seeing a green rookie come to the ring for his first match with a seventeen person camera crew and hundred thousand dollar cameras making this match into a fucking Lucas/Spielberg production."
I sort of had an epiphany while I was watching this match. The IWS fans (and I include myself in this category) we are all like Franky. Cranky, Vicious and Bitter with Fucking Issues. We like to see people get hurt and we love the people doing the damage. How else to explain the thunderous "Fuck Him Up Franky! Fuck Him Up!" chants? I'm sure that VRAK-TV is going to get a lot of mileage out of that audio. I mean really, how cruel do you have to be to chant "NEVER COME BACK!" I am deeply, deeply ashamed of myself.
No, not really.
For the uneducated observer, it would appear that Sofirios had a chance to win the match on a roll-up, but was cheated by a dazed and out-of-position referee. After the match, Franky confirmed to me that he was well aware that the referee was in no shape to count to three and he was simply playing possum, taking advantage of his opponent's inexperience.
Franky won the match with his sit out choke slam power bomb after 11:43. After the pin, Franky got the IWS DJ to play Sofirios' music to revive and helped the rookie to his feet... Only to club him back down to the mat.
Born to Bleed began with IWS announcer Joey Soprano inviting IWS owner PCP Crazy Fucking Manny to the ring to make an important announcement. Manny, dressed to the nines, thanked VRAK-TV for their generous donation to his coke habit. He went on to say that because of a new project that he was starting he wouldn't have time for the day to day operation of the IWS, so he was turning that over to the new IWS Commissioner, his former competitor, Andy Rosetti. As his first act as Commissioner, Rosetti announced that the IWS would start to operate for the first time with actual rules. Count-Outs were in as well as Disqualifications.
A few things to mention here.
First of all, once again, Manny has proved that in Quebec you either work WITH Manny or you end up working FOR Manny. I mean Andy Rosetti is the guy who once tried to sabotage one of our Medley shows by claiming the day of the show that Manny had hired two masked thugs to attack him with a wrench and a pipe. He also fired me once and replaced me with the dumbest guy in Quebec wrestling.
Not that I'm bitter or anything.
YES, I am enjoying this. Thanks for asking.
Secondly, I am deeply suspicious of this move to bring in rules. I am not so concerned that this will have any dampening effect on the level of violence in the IWS. I am more worried that the rules will be used by Rossetti and Manny to unbalance the playing field in the favour of their cronies.
Finally, I should point out that count outs have been used in the IWS off and on for years. Usually at the insistence of specific wrestlers. TNT used to insist on count outs during his matches. In fact, El Generico's very first match was a count out victory over TNT. 2.0 rather famously imitated TNT during their run to the IWS tag team titles, winning their first three matches by count out and claiming that a count out victory was superior to a pin fall victory because a pin fall only took three seconds.
P.S. Joey Soprano with the line of the night, talking to fan at ring side dressed as Spider-Man, "Man that Mary Jane can sure suck a mean cock. Are we still being filmed by VRAK-TV? Allo les enfants!"
Originally, the Hardcore Ninjaz were supposed to defend their IWS tag team titles against the number one contenders: Team Checkmate (Chris Bishop and Lionel Knight). When the two Ontario stars were unable to make it, "Up in Smoke" (Cheech and Cloudy) were booked to take their place. When BOTH teams showed up however, rather than one or the other or BOTH getting title shots, the two teams were matched against one another.
So, if you're keeping track at home, both teams came to Montreal expecting a crack at the IWS titles and neither team got it.
The two high flying teams put on quite an exhibition of suicidal stupidity with Team Checkmate being more purposeful in their insanity. Ultimately, the two teams became victims of the IWS' new rules when Chris Bishop gave Cloudy a fall away slam from the apron to the floor wiping out both teams for a double count out at 13:02. After the match, Chris Bishop attacked the referee in frustration.
In perhaps his best match in the IWS, "American Idol" Shayne Hawke beat Player Uno after 9:10 in a four corners match that also featured Jimmy Stone and Stupefied. Hawke was impressive throughout the match never more so than during a dive sequence where Hawke used Stupefied to give him momentum for an out of nowhere dive on Player Uno that flattened the Eight Bit Luchador and electrified the crowd. Stupefied continues to show solid progression in the IWS. Player Uno unveiled another new outfit this time paying tribute to Luigi. Jimmy Stone, well Jimmy Stone is either as Joey Soprano claims the most heterosexual man in wrestling or he has the best looking beard that I have ever seen.
Mom always tells me, "If you can't say anything nice... You must be talking about Manny."
You could say that the match between Above Standards and the Rock and Cock Connection was inevitable. For months, Above Standards, easily the most loathed team ever to set foot in the IWS ring, have been doing the only thing that the IWS fans can approve of: getting their asses kicked. Meanwhile, the loveable underdogs Twiggy and Pornstar Juan have been valiantly trying to compete against monsters.
Above Standards were very fortunate to win this match. With the referee poised to disqualify him, Eric Lauze knocked himself loopy with a chair that bounced off the ropes when Pornstar Juan dove out of the way. Twiggy was poised to win the match with a cross body block off the top ropes, until Carl Choquette flipped over the pin and flopped on top of his partner to ensure the win at 9:04... Much to the disgust of just about everybody other than Carl Choquette and Eric Lauze.
Dressed as Rocky Balboa, Fred la Merveille came to the ring with his personal trainer "Canadian Dynamite" Max Boyer to face El Generico. Max has his work cut out for him. To his credit, Fred adapted to the new rules of the IWS the fastest rolling El Generico into the ring to break up the count and back out again to continue the punishment. This also led to the most amazing dive sequence that I have seen in some time as El Generico dove from the outside of the ring through the ropes on on one side, out the ropes on the other corner and into Fred.
After some fighting and a series of reversals in the corner, Fred hit a massive running Super-Plex out of nowhere on the Generic Luchadore to give himself a shot at victory but blew his chance with a wacky dance celebration. El Generico made him pay for that with the pin at 12:16.
Following the pin, Fred snapped and provoked El Generico with a series of slaps to the face. Finally, El Generico gave Fred a massive BRAAAAAAAINBUSSSSSTTTTTTAAAHHH! to the delight of the crowd. It would appear that without the malign influence of Kevin Steen (literally on the other side of the world wrestling for Dragon's Gate in Japan) El Generico is back to his crowd pleasing ways.
It's not that Fred is incapable of wrestling without clowning around. It's just that he seems addicted to the clowning. He is a clownaholic, to coin a phrase. When given sufficient motivation, Fred is one of the most talented wrestlers in Quebec. The best example of that was the match between Fred and Kevin Steen for the IWS title. Mind you, Kevin Steen could piss off Ronald MacDonald enough to make the hamburger spokesman wipe the great big red smile off his face and plant his size sixteen triple EEEs up Steen's fat ass.
On the other hand, tactically, it might have made better sense for Beef Wellington to try and put EXesS off his game by clowning in the ring, rather than getting serious with the submission specialist like he did last night during their best two out of three falls match. EXesS went to the submissions early, at one point clamping on an arm bar so fierce that the only way that Beef could break it was to lift EXesS off the mat and literally kick his ass until EXesS let go of the arm bar.
The first pin illustrated how dangerous EXesS can be in the ring. With his stretch muffler variant locked in, EXesS used Beef's own momentum to roll Beef into a pin at 6:27. Beef fought back to take the second pin at 12:24 and had chances to win the match, but ultimately EXesS proved too canny for Beef and won the match outright at 23:57.
One can only wonder if EXesS will use this victory as a spring-board to put himself back into contention for the IWS title that he lost to the present champion Viking. Many former IWS champions including most notably Kevin Steen and Franky the Mobster have used the momentum of a win against Beef to propel them to the IWS title.
Of course, beating Beef is not enough. If all it took to win the IWS title was beating Beef, Kid Kamikaze would have won the IWS title more times than Ric Flair won the World Heavyweight title.
Dan Paysan came out to explain that he was not wrestling after separating his shoulder during a match in Ontario. Dan reminded the crowd that he had lead a group of stars from another Quebec fed into the IWS, "I broke the ground, I paved the way, I took the punishment, I gave you the match of the night, night after night. Franky the Mobster comes in. *BAM* IWS Champion. 2.0 come in. *BAM* IWS Tag Team Champion's. What do I get? I get to tag with that big goombah Tomassino. And after I hurt my back carrying that big piece of shit, they give me D-Vyne as a manager, that dumb bitch. So, I have decided that I am not going to wait for my shot. I am going to take my title. Next month, Jagged. You remember Jagged? One half of 2.0? Well, he's off celebrating his win as IWS Canadian Champion in the Promised Land, wherever that is. When he gets back next month, I am taking his IWS Canadian title away."
Dan tied to sow dissent between Jagged and his injured partner, Shane Matthews, by asking the IWS colour man why Jagged had left him behind when he went to the promised land. Provoked, Shane accepted the challenge on behalf of Jagged and threw Dan into the ring post injured shoulder first and then followed up with a thunderous chair shot.
Technically, Dan is forgetting that NCW star Nova-Cain made his IWS debut at the first IWS show as "The Insurance Policy" and that Franky the Mobster appeared at that very first show as well. Both TNT and Heavy Maxx Fury were stars in NCW as well as the IWS (as was Sexxxy Eddy). It is also amusing that Dan completely ignored Jimmy Stone, but then again I've heard Dan refer to Jimmy as "That guy with Jimmy Stone's girlfriend".
The Flaming Tables match for the IWS Tag Team Titles had all the markings of a PCP Crazy Fucking Manny trap. Clever, yes, but too damn clever for its own good. The very first time that the Ninjaz lost the IWS tag Team titles back in 2002 it was to Iceberg and FOD in a Flaming Tables match. So putting the Ninjaz in a Flaming Tables match is a good idea. Putting them against Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom is a good idea. Combining the two ideas is a TERRIBLE plan, because all of the two big men's advantages are negated by a Flaming Tables match where they don't have to be pinned to lose.
Just for the record, the only way that Iceberg and FOD could EVER win a match especially against the Ninjaz was in a Flaming Tables match.
Right away, Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom showed their partnership and Dru Onyx' incredible strength as the Bajan Bomber used his own partner as a weapon body slamming the Green Phantom onto the Evil Ninja. Onyx and Phantom had many chances to win as both men had Ninjaz in their grasp and a burring table ready, but each time the elusive Ninjaz broke free at the last instant. The Green Phantom did manage to put both Ninjaz through Flaming Chairs, but it wasn't a Flaming Chairs match.
The Ninjaz translator would like me to point out that the Ninjaz have history with both of these men. A long and bloody history with the Green Phantom, and a smaller but if anything more bitter history with Onyx. Most important would be to note that Dru Onyx lost his IWS title to the Arsenal in a ladders match because both Ninjaz were keeping him busy while the Arsenal climbed his way to the top of the IWS mountain.
In the end, the Green Phantom looked ready to win the match with a burning table and Hardcore Ninja Number One helpless on the top rope... until the Evil Ninja ambushed the Green Phantom out of nowhere with light tubes and both Ninjaz combined to put the big man through the Flaming Table with a double power bomb at 8:53. This continues the Ninjaz impressive 2006 win streak. So far the Ninjaz have a perfect record in 2006.
Two more notes from the Ninjaz translator.
First, the Evil Ninja is really called Hardcore Ninja Number Two.
Evil Ninja uses less letters.
Two, Quote - Ninjaz invented the ambush - Unquote.
In the main event of the evening, Viking outlasted (and outstood) "Paranoid" Jake Mathews and "Canadian Dynamite" Max Boyer to successfully defend his IWS title after 13:49 of a vicious brawl. Max Boyer demonstrated his toughness (and perhaps a partial Samoan heritage) by winning a nasty head-butt duel with Jake Mathews, but this tactical victory may have been a strategic mistake as it opened the door for Viking's victory.
After the match, PCP Crazy Fucking Manny came to the ring and reminded the crowd that he had guaranteed that neither Max Boyer nor Viking would be standing under their own power by the end of the night and he intended to keep his promise. Just then, Pierre Carl Ouellet hit the ring to destroy Max Boyer with a huge power bomb and obliterate Viking by throwing him from the ring to the outside.
Manny declared that wrestling in Quebec as we know it is dead and that after devoting his life to pleasing wrestling fans (especially the fans of Quebec) that it was "Time for PCO to do what he wants to do, to do what he likes to do, to do what he does best and that's hurting people. I'm stepping away from the IWS to manage PCO's career. We will go everywhere. We will go anywhere. And wherever we go, whenever we go, we will hurt people."
So, if you would like to book PCO and Manny, get in touch with me. They hurt people and they're proud of it.
My boss, PCP Crazy Fucking Manny, exploring new ways to be a dickhead. He's like the Christopher Columbus of ass holes.
When We Were Marks A Cinderella Story This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the Masters champion. - Carl Spackler, Caddyshack It's no joke, pal.