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The W - Guest Columns - It's Heat...Er...RAW Satire 7/28
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Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 805 days
Last activity: 673 days
#1 Posted on
Last Week: Linda McMahon’s terrible secret was revealed by Kane: She’s a ZOMBIE! Triple H and Austinberg had a confrontation that will truly be remembered by everyone but the writers after Summerslam. Chris Jericho finally got a big win over Shawn Michaels. No. Seriously.

(Opening Credits)

Hey! The announcers are still Jerry Lawler and The Coach. Later tonight on the Highlight Reel it’s Randy Orton and Shawn Michaels. Oh! You can cut the tension with a piece of bread.

Hey! It’s Vince McMahon! He must have heard of my secret plans to write a Smackdown Satire and came to RAW to stop me! Oh no! Wait…no. He’s just out to yell at Kane for exposing his wife’s terrible secret. Oh, Vince, we’ve known she was a zombie for years. Vince promises to be on the show later! Huzzah! Then Booker T’s pyro blows him up. Oops.

Booker T and Scott Steiner (w/ My Darling Stacy) v. Test and Chris Tian

Wow! It’s like two feuds in one! My Darling Stacy looks as cute as a particularly cute button. Like a button with a picture of Stacy on it. A cute picture of Stacy. Wait. That doesn’t make any sense. Then again, neither does anything else on this show. Stacy makes faces at Test the whole match. That was the highlight of the match before this ad break.


Steiner is staring off into space when we get back. Uh…I guess that’s it for him. Oh geez. Somebody go tap him or he’ll be out there all night. Test tries to make a big comeback into this match, but unfortunately for him, it was against Chris Tian. Booker wins because of Affirmative Action. Theodore Long would be proud.

Jerry Lawler asks Coach who he thinks will be in the main event of SummerSlam. Coach says that he doesn’t know.

Here’s a press conference! Wow! SummerSlam must be the thing to watch!

Coach: Hello everyone, and welcome to the WWE Press Confrence! The most exciting press conference in sports entertainment today! Be sure to tune in next week for the next great press conference! Here’s Eric Bischoff!
EB: Shut up, Coach. Anyway, I’m here to announce the Main Event of SummerSlam. Uh…it’s HHH v. Austinberg. Speaking of HHH, here he is.
HHH: Thanks, Eric. Austinberg, you may combine the best parts of both Steve Austin and Goldberg, but I have something you don’t. An upcoming wedding to Stephanie McMahon. And since she wants me to wear the belt to bed on our wedding night, I think I’ll be keeping this for a while.
EB: Austinberg, for the block.
AB: What?

Press conferences are neato keen. When confronted with this overwhelming evidence that he DID in fact know what the main event at SummerSlam was going to be, Coach explodes. Suddenly, another Coach walks out from the back and sits down. They’re CLONING COACH!! YIKES! They have an endless supply of the guy. Actually, this explains a lot about Todd Pettingill and Michael Cole.


StoneMan Still Austinberg v. Stevie Richards
In a Squash Match

Stevie is just thrilled to be on RAW. Austinberg pegs Stevie with a small squash and Stevie starts to cry. Ooo! Spear. Stunner! JACKHAMMER!! Here’s the pin. Wow! That was shorter than a Lance Storm Cubed match. Only half as boring, too!

Here’s HHH (w/ Triple Naitch and Randy Orton) out to provide a counterpoint to this exciting match!

HHH: Hey! You just beat Stevie Richards! That’s like, impossible!
AB: Aw, you’re just saying that!
HHH: No! Really! My offense is less diverse than his. I don’t know if I can win now.
AB: Shucks. I DO have three devistating finishers.
RF: Wooo! You might have three devistating finishers, but I took your old lady on a ride on Space Mountain, last night fat boy! WOOOO!
AB: Uh. That was a pretty lame insult, Naitch. YOU’RE NEXT!!
RF: A match, eh? Wooo! All right! Just let me take off my pants.
RO: Guys! Can I say something?
HHH: Not a chance, Randy.
RO: Oh…*cries*.

Here’s Eric Bischoff!

EB: Hey! We can’t have this match right now! We’ve got an ad break and then the next step of the big Val Venis and Rico feud.
AB: The wha? Why wasn’t I informed of this hot feud?
EB: Don’t you watch Heat?
AB: Um…no….
HHH: I was on there one time! I totally beat The Rock!
RF: Next week then, Fat Boy! WOOO!


Rico (w/ Jackie Gayda) v. Val Venis

This feud will surely set the world on fire! Rico has taken to painting himself like Warrior, so look for him on CSPAN sometime in the near future. Maybe he’ll get HIS Gravy Boat. After literally seconds of breathtaking, Crazy Go Nuts action, Rico jobs to the wonderous power of Val being higher up on the lower mid-card than Rico. Jackie spent the entire match rubbing glitter on Coach’s head. He looks like a bald Rick James!

Here’s a BOX! Wow! Eric Bischoff is backstage telling the cops not to let Kane out of the box until they can perform the voodoo ritual to bring Vince back to life. What if Kane has to go to the bathroom? Hasn’t he been in there all day? They could have at least put him in his Dream Coffin.


Here’s Chris Jericho and Randy Orton! It’s time for the Highlight Reel!

RO: Why are you still doing this if Piper got fired?
CJ: Because! It keeps me over even though I lose a great majority of my matches. Besides, who are you to talk. You’re The Lame.
RO: What? I thought I was “Wooo!” As in, “Wooo! Randy Orton is the future of the business”.
CJ: No. That’s Ric Flair.
RO: Ric Flair is the future of the business?
CJ: No…what I mean to say is…Ugh. What do YOU have to add to the wrestling industry?
RO: My stunning good looks and in ring style?
CJ: Uh…no.
RO: I can dance. Watch me go!

Uh oh! Shawn Michaels is out to defend his Dancing style from Randy Orton!

SM: Oh no! Only I may dance!
CJ: That’s not fair! I’m actually in a band!
SM: A crappy band. I can’t continue my career path as a homosexual icon if you guys start showing me up.
RO: Well…do you want to have a match?
SM: Not really. I’d rather wrestle Jericho again. After all, he’s not lame.
CJ: Randy, let’s just beat him up.

And they did just that. Hey! Here’s Coach Nash with the save! I bet this will lead to an exciting match! Or to an ad break…whatever.


Chris Jericho v. Coach Nash

Coach Nash = Ratingz! Chris Jericho is ready for hot wrestling action, but he’ll need to find it someplace else. Wait…Is Kevin Nash actually selling that shot to the knee or did he blow out his knee? Wait. Now he’s no selling it. I don’t get it. Coach Nash is CONFLICTED! Wait. Is that an Elix Skipper sign? Holy Hell. He has a following? Huh. Oh. There’s a match. Actually, not really. Jericho was disqualified for wearing an illegal hair scrunchie. Hair scrunchies infurate Nash so much that he starts throwing pieces of the ring at Jericho, who hides behind the cotton candy guy. Tasty and an effective blast shield.


Rosey is sad because everybody thinks he’s fat. The Hurricane asks Rosey what kinds of superpowers Rosey wants to have in this new tag team, and Rosey says “not jobbing”. Hurricane is NOT a miracle worker. Rosey weeps.

Bischoff tells the security guys to quit poking at the Kane Box. Kane says that he enjoys a good poking now and again, so Eric joins in.


Lawler tells us that J.R. is sitting at home. Just like me! J.R. and I have so much in common. Wait…am I J.R.? Holy crap! I think I am! Test is a HOSS BY GAWD!!

Ok. Just kidding. I’m actually not J.R.

Here’s The Dudley Boyz who are going to join the commentary team. Just what this show needed! More commentators! Well…actually, Bubba will say “I hate France! France is for Frenchies!” and then D-Von will just say “Testify!” a bunch of times.

La Croissants v. Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak
In What Lillian Garcia informs me is a Tag Team Titles match for the WWE World Tag Team Championships

Oh! You don’t get those very often! Wait…this is ANOTHER Heat feud. Wow! This must be a very special Monday Night Heat! As it is, nobody cares about anybody in this match, so the crowd cheers for the Dudleyz, who start juggling Coach’s notes. La Resistance start waving their flags to get people to notice them, so the Dudleyz go down to stop that nonsense. How about a commercial?


The Dudleyz are sad because none of these teams deserve to be in this match. Except then, and they’re not even in this match. La Resistance wins the match because they’re much more relevant than Cade and Jindrak. Lawler calls him Thomas Kincade because he’s hoping to get a new chair. The Dudleyz come down to ask La Resistance for a match, but they get hit in the face with the flag. That’s what happens.

Eric Bischoff gives up on the poking and lets Kane out of his box. Then the police try to get him to join their Lazer Tag game. Kane doesn’t have a hit sensor. That’s cheating!


Molly Holly v. Gail Kim
For the WWE Women’s Title

Women’s Title Match! Wow! I…uh…still don’t care. Wait. Molly has boobies. I care enough to watch this match. Consider my attention rapt. Never mind. The match is already over. Molly’s boobies win the Women’s Title! THIS is your main event!

No Voodoo ritual needed, I guess, because Vince McMahon is wandering around backstage. Damn. I wanted to see Papa Shango. Oh. I get it. Vince must have been wearing his pyro retardant toupee. No doubt looking for that dastardly Zach Gowen.


Vince comes out with Kane in tow, and says that he’s mad that Kane attacked a McMahon. I’m sure Sable is surprised to hear that. Actually, she’s just old. Then Vince says that he should have Kane follow him around and chokeslam people who he doesn’t like. I guess Smackdown needs more Kane.

Here’s Austinberg. He wants to say that he is going to stay both Austin and Goldberg, and that collectively they will be the GM and a wrestler. Then he tells Kane that he’s so happy he wants to be chokeslammed. Kane is too tired to chokeslam though, and Austinberg gets mad. Kane is not to tired however to throw his towel on the ground. Oh! Dig on Tazz!

Kane sure is being nice to Austinberg. He asks if Still would like to go play tiddly winks in the back. Austinberg is all ready to go, when Shane McMahon comes out. It’s MCMAHONOMANIA!! The McMahons are out, so this can’t be Heat. Shane is fueled by the righteous indignation that he was revealed to be half zombie last week. He starts swinging chairs all over the place, hitting Vince and Kane in the process. No Super Shane Spears though. That’s too bad. Then Shane jumps off the Titan Tron and knocks Kane off the stage. While a lesser man would be seriously wounded and take a RAW off to sell this serious injury, Kane forgets the camera is on and laughs at Shane’s funny haircut.

Next Week: Kane laughs at Shane’s haircut and Shane throws a big bag of popcorn at him. Austinberg’s feud with HHH heats up when he spears the boobies off of Ric Flair.

I hope there’s MORE Lazer Tag NEXT WEEK!

(edited by Excalibur05 on 29.7.03 0237)

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Since: 2.1.02

Since last post: 5407 days
Last activity: 5407 days
#2 Posted on
Another funny Satire.

Highlights included Cloning Coaches, the Highlight Reel, and Kane laughing at Shane's funny haircut.

Keep up the good work.

"Oh my God, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits! It says, 'Oooooo!'" Peter Griffin
"Peter, those are Cheerios." Brian

Since: 18.6.02
From: Upstate Oklahoma

Since last post: 5018 days
Last activity: 4084 days
#3 Posted on

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    I guess Smackdown needs more Kane.

Damn straight. Time for him to get back at the UFC-taker, and Albert for being such a crappy bald bad-ass.

Plus, he has to return Tazz's towel.

Another fine job.

"Since I look forward to the Workrate Reports like Tammy Sytch looks forward to Half-Off-For-Crack-Whores Night at the local IHOP, rest assured that had I read his sucker punch joke first, I would have skipped my own, for Dean rules."

- Scott Keith, 4-10-002

Since: 28.4.02
From: Pittsburgh, PA

Since last post: 398 days
Last activity: 374 days
#4 Posted on

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Chris Jericho is ready for hot wrestling action, but he’ll need to find it someplace else.


(edited by OlFuzzyBastard on 29.7.03 1139)


Since: 23.5.02
From: NYC, baby!

Since last post: 4202 days
Last activity: 4199 days
#5 Posted on
Yeah, man. That was funny! I can't believe you mentioned Thomas Kincade.. he is such a schlocky artist! but he's literally EVERYWHERE--


A la la la la, I can't hear you.

Since: 2.1.02
From: The Las Vegas of Canada

Since last post: 959 days
Last activity: 379 days
#6 Posted on
Bob Ross would so totally whip Thomas Kinkade's ass.

    Originally posted by Excalibur
    EB: Austinberg, for the block.

Once again a random line out of nowhere that just absolutely kills me. Beautiful.

She was worth 800 miles driving to see her play - Brenda Weiler

Since: 1.2.02
From: Appleton, WI

Since last post: 2082 days
Last activity: 2082 days
#7 Posted on
Were I to quote every funny bit of that, I would be quoting dang near the entire article. So I'll just say that you had me laughing heartily.

But don't be ashamed, we can keep your secret, JR.

Fashion Reporter Extraordinare


Since: 8.7.03
From: Strongbadia

Since last post: 4667 days
Last activity: 4637 days
#8 Posted on
The Satire R0XX0rz j00, as usual. Definately think about expanding to Smackdown, though I wonder what would become of that wonderful catchphrase, "needs more Kane?"

"Hey, Steve!"

Since: 10.12.01
From: Aurora, IL

Since last post: 2 days
Last activity: 6 hours
#9 Posted on | Instant Rating: 10.00
though I wonder what would become of that wonderful catchphrase, "needs more Kane?"

Needs more Train
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This is one of those things that has seriously bugged me for a long time, but it was very hard to put into words. Cole is just so... passive in his delivery. It's annoying! Well said, Jeb.
- CANADIAN BULLDOG, The Obtuse Angle: The Knee of Billy Gunn (2003)
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