Last Week: Triple H made it his New Year’s Resolution to be more over than Dave by Wrestlemania. Shawn Michaels made his prancing felt as he entered the Elimidate Chamber as the referee. Lance and Rob are Friends is over, so now I have no filler to put at the end of the Satire, what will I do…TONIGHT?!
Ah, hell. Looks like the new WWE World Champion is Eric Bischoff. Looks like they’re running through new champions like WCW on a Saturday. Eric has the mic….
Eric Bischoff: I know what you’re thinking, and no, I didn’t win the WWE World Title on a house show. Crowd: Phew. EB: I’m just holding this, because we really don’t have a champion, and I’m kind of afraid everybody will forget there’s a belt. We can’t have that, so here it is. “Hi! Remember me? I’m a belt. People want to win me. Yay!” Er…ahem…Anyway, so now tonight we’re going to do a bunch of matches to hype the Elimidate Chamber at WWE New Year’s Evolution. Here’s one now.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson” v. Chris Benoit
Notable by his absence is Ric Flair. Maybe Triple Naitch is backstage pouting because Dave has been slacking off on his toe pointing practice. It should have been his resolution. Benoit’s New Year’s resolution is 640x480. Poor guy. Benoit throws some chops, but Dave is way more awesome than Viscera. He better be, or else I voted him for Breakout Performer of 2005 for nothing. Now that I think about it, maybe I should’ve voted for Viscera. Eh. Benoit locks Batista in America’s Favorite Finisher The Crippler Resthold, But Dave just stands up and drops Benoit on the top of his head. So THAT’S how you counter that. Dave hit’s the OSPREY BOMB TO BENOIT~! for the win.
Flair is backstage with Triple H….
Ric Flair: …and that’s the story about how Double A and I found an entire cob of corn in Dustin Rhodes’…. Triple H: Why do you always tell me that story? RF: I’m warning you about the dangers of the road. HHH: I’ll show YOU the dangers of the road. RF: And I’ll take your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOOO! “Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I won my MATCH! HHH: So? DBD: Triple Hunter, what’s your news years EVOLUTION? HHH: To be more over than you. DBD: That’s AWFUL! RF: That really ISN’T nice, Hunter. HHH: Oh, whatever. You don’t know me. DBD: Isn’t it time for my ALLOWANCE? HHH: Yeah. Ric Give him twenty bucks. DBD: Ric only pays me in monopoly MONEY! RF: I’m the banker, WOOOO! HHH: Fine. Here’s a hundred bucks. Don’t spend it all in one place. DBD: I’m going to go buy a GUMBALL!
Dave runs off.
HHH: That boy will never learn anything about investing. RF: Would you like to buy Park Place? HHH: For $450? Hells yeah.
Elsewhere, Josh Matthews is standing by with Abe Orton.…
Josh Matthews: Josh Matthews, here, standing by with Abe Orton and Abe, how do you feel about getting a little more Kane in your life on Sunday when you and he go one on one at New Year’s Pollution. Abe Orton: I feel like my angle is about to face a serious Abe Orton, Josh. JM: Are you coming on to me? AO: I’m not real sure. Would you be down with that? JM: Uh…no. Sorry, Moon Face.
Josh wanders off.
AO: I still have the mic? Oh, man. How much time have I got to fill? 7 minutes? All right! Now it’s time for some Abe Orton covers Sting… Sting: I’m not jobbing to you. AO: I mean the OTHER Sting. The Other Sting: I’m not jobbing to you either…. AO: No, see…. Mohammed Hassan: Sing my theme music! AO: Oh, never mind. I was going to do “Every Breath You Take” and dedicate it to Lita but you guys ruined the moment. MH: It wasn’t our fault. AO: Hey!
Over in another corner of the locker room, Bischoff is hanging out with Edge….
Eric Bischoff: And just WHY is it that I’m hanging out with you? Edge: Because the Edgemaster brings in all the chicks? EB: The only chick I see here is that one skinny girl. Tough Enough Jessie: I gained five pounds over the holidays. Waaaaaaah…. EG: Hey, man, about Shawn being the special guest referee…. EB: Yeah? EG: Don’t you think it’s a little unfair? I mean, that guy totally hates me. EB: Look, Triple H always beats him up, Jericho punched him right in the balls at WrestleMania 19, Benoit beat him for the World Title, Dave has hit him with the OSPREY BOMB, Randy made him fall over after a really awful match, I mean he hates EVERYBODY! Nobody is safe from random super kicks and adorable prancing. Quit your winning. EG: Did you just tell me to stop winning matches? EB: Er…”Whining”…sorry. Whining.
Edge v. Chris Jericho
Jericho’s new year’s resolution is apparently to continue wearing really awful pants. Well, at least it’s not a hard one to get to, huh? Absolutely nothing happens for the first twenty minutes of the match as neither Jericho nor Edge can remember what their motivation for this match was. Sure they’re going to be in the Elimidate Chamber on Sunday but so is half the rest of the roster. And I mean come on, Friggin’ BENOIT has a better shot at this one than these guys. Hey, here’s some….
Edge and Jericho punch each other for a little while, because, let’s face it, this is really the best they’re going to get this week. Plus, they’re not Rhyno, at least. Jericho attempts to lock in the Walls, but Edge reads him a transcript from that last Abe Orton promo, and Jericho starts to fall asleep. Recognizing this huge opportunity, Edge goes for the speac, but Jericho is still on the ground, so Edge just runs straight through the ropes. However, he recovers just in time to pin Jericho before he wakes up. Edge wins. Match of the Year!
Er…wait…How was Heat?
Jonathan Coachman is standing by with The Man, Randy Orton….
Jonathan Coachman: Hey, Randy, so you’re fighting Triple H tonight, how does that make you feel. Randy Orton: Feel…Uh…Feel. Feeeeeeel…Geez. I mean…Is burgundy a feeling? JC: No. RO: Well it should be. Yeah. Look at how inventive I am. I made up a feeling. JC: Do you have a new year’s resolution, yet, Randy? RO: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m on that PPV. I’m in the Elimidate Chamber, remember? JC: No. Haven’t we gone over this with you before? You know, you told Josh that you should be more Pretty. What are your other hopes for this year? Plans? Dreams? RO: I…resolve…to…cut better promos? JC: And how’s that one going? RO: It’s a daily struggle.
Sylvain Grenier (w/ Rob Conway) v. Shelton Benjamin
This is non-title because…God knows Grenier is going to win. Maven walks out, and Benjamin is completely and totally distracted because A) He was completely oblivious to the push of another black guy on this show, and B) Because Maven is getting PUSHED?! (?!) I think that’s throwing everybody for a little loop, Shelton. Is La Resistance seriously on this show? Hold up, hold up. La Resistance…Maven…AW MAN! I’m watching an old tape of Heat again, aren’t I? Dammit. We’ll finish this match and then turn it off. Shelton wins with a kick or something. Man, I’m sorry guys. I don’t know which match happened on RAW during this time. I must have sat on the remote or something. Now I feel awful.
Back on RAW, we see The Arabs walking around backstage. They’re casing the joint. Arrest them!
Todd Grisham walks out to moderate the debate, and immediately beheads himself. Moderation will now be done by…oh…I dunno…The Berserker.
The Berserker: HUSS! HUSS! Mr. Hassan? Mohammed Hassan: Err…What was the question? How we feel about the response we’re getting in the WWE? I guess it’s kinda cool. We’ve got some awesome Sting music, and I mean the crowd is really responding to us as heels. So, I guess things are going well. They could be going better. I mean “Arabs” was kind of a lame gimmick, but then “Amish” was even lamer. I’m not even sure what to say except…Stay the course. One thousand points of light. You know. Win one for the gipper. All that. BZ: Very impressive argument. Mr. Lawler, your thoughts on the future of the Kyoto accord, HUSS HUSS? Jerry Lawler: Why don’t you go back to Finland where you came from you no good dirty Nazi? Huh? I can’t believe they let you in the WWE without checking your urine for bombs. USA! USA! BZ: Ah…indeed. Now, would you care to share a bit of your wisdom with us Mr. Daivari? HUSS! HUSS! Khosrow Daivari: CHICKENS?! BZ: Indeed. I understand fully your position on this issue. Mr. Warrior, do you have any HUSS HUSS to add to this topic? Ultimate Warrior: Now all the Warriors all over the world know that The Ultimate Warrior has come to the WWF to do one thing, to make a mark and prove that he was the man sent from the heavens above like the thunder and lightening to do only one thing, combat with any and all challengers. I-WON’T-LET-YOU-DOWN. The Warriors can depend on The Ultimate Warrior because YOU, any evil in the WWF can bring it to the Ultimate Warrior and I’ll give it back twice as hard. It’s a power. It’s a force field that nobody can deal with and nobody can stop. It’s an awesome force and The Ultimate Warrior is the only one that controls it. All the little Warriors can depend on one thing... The Ultimate Warrior WILL BRING IT TO YAAAA!!! BZ: HUSS HUSS. I agree wholeheartedly. Mr. Kerry? John Kerry: Well, I must say to you American people…You abandoned me in my hour of need! I was poised to take the white house and lead America into four years of Prosperity and instead you chose four more years of hate in the White House. So let me let you all in on a little secret. I didn’t go to Vietnam. All those Swift Boat pictures? We took those in the Boston Harbor after a late night bender. No, man. I was hanging out with Bill Clinton smoking weed and sniffing coke in his mom’s bathroom. I stole that purple heart. Also, in case you were wondering…One of the benefits of working on a celebrity studded campaign is surrounding yourself with hot babes. Forget Princess Ketchup. Natalie Portman? You KNOW I hit that. BZ: Me too, though probably in an entirely different context than you did, HUSS HUSS? Here is our President George Bush. Who do you think is going to win Wimbledon this year? George Bush: Well…heh heh heh…uh…you see…the thing is…heh heh heh…I mean? You know what I’m saying? It’s hard work to get out here and talk. BZ: Maria Sharipova again, huh? A good choice. Now to close things out, Mr. Ross, what about HUSS? HUSS. Jim Ross: Uh…BOOMER SOONER!
Hassan throws his podium at J.R. because he’s a huge USC fan. Lawler takes off his pants, but before we can find out where he was going with that one, the segment is over.
Your new commentators are Jonathan Coachman and the returning Howler Monkey.
Victoria v. Trish Stratus
They’re really spreading out the use of the women’s division now aren’t they? Which ones are going to lose? Why the ones that aren’t in an angle right now, silly. Victoria tries to dance around, but Shawn Michaels she ain’t, so she gets rolled up by Trish. Lita runs out to be on the show for a few minutes but her entrance is marred by flaming pyro on the ramp.
Pyro Guy: AW…Dammit. Sorry, I accidentally put my coffee on the button. Booker T: So I’m not supposed to come out ye…Is this RAW? DAMN! Not again! Abe Orton: Hey, guys. BT: What’s up, Sean MooneyFace. AO: Shut up.
Abe runs to the ring and starts to yell at Lita, when suddenly Lillian Garcia starts on fire, which can only mean one thing…the return of a little more KANE~! Kane runs to the ring and chases off Orton. He picks up Lita and they share a tender moment in each other’s arms before they are both engulfed in flame and suffer third degree burns.
Pyro Guy: Aw…Crap muffins. Sorry about that one, guys.
Hassan v. Lawler? On PPV? Oh, whatever.
Eugene is backstage with some girl….
Eugene Dinsmore: Hey, there baby. You remind me of my internet girlfriend. Christie Hemme: Really? What’s she like? ED: She’s a level 3 elf mage. I met her on Everquest. I’ve never met her in RL, but whatever, you know? I know she’s gotta be hot to hang with a guy like me. CH: I look like an elf? ED: No, but you’ve got great titties. CH: Oh. Great. ED: Now, I’m going to sing a song.
“You come out at night that's when the energy comes and the dark side's light and the vampires roam “
William Regal: Knock it off. Nobody wants to hear some fat beardy guy sing Canadian Folk/Pop. ED: Hmph. You wouldn’t know good music if it bit you in the ass. Triple H: Yeah. Let the poor guy express himself musically. Don’t stiffle him. WR: Aren’t you the guy who was just Pedigreeing him a few months ago? HHH: Shut the hell up.
Eugene, Christie and Hunter all leave.
WR: Finally. “Yeah, you’re working, building a mystery, and choosing soooo carefully!”
Chris Tian (w/ Tyson Tomko) v. Eugene Dinsmore (w/ William Regal)
They roll around for a little while before Eugene locks in a resthold. Rest holds? That adds at least ** to this match. I heard that’s all they do in Japan now. 40 minutes of straight restholds. Sweeeeet. Eugene tries to yell at Tomko for being probably the worst manager in professional wrestling today, and Tomko shows his mad skillz by grabbing Eugene and letting Christian roll him up. It’s the night of roll-ups on RAW. All they need is a fruit roll-up. That’d be awesome. Man this match was lame. Anybody see that movie Garden State? Is that any good? Worth $14.99? Better than this match anyway?
Backstage, it’s EVOLUTION TIME!!
Ric Flair: WOO! It’s time for the Nature Boy! We’ve got your backne tonight, Hunter. Triple H: About that, man, I dunno. Dave, I don’t think you’re really into this whole, “Evolution” thing. How do I know you’re not going to turn on me. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Don’t you REMEMBER? You taught me to FISH! HHH: I just don’t think you’ve got the heart any more. Sorry, Dave. I can beat that idiot Orton alone. DBD: HUNTER! NOOOO!
Randy Orton v. Triple H (w/ Ric Flair)
Hunter and Randy lock up, and immediately trade chinlocks. I think that’s the best exchange I’ve seen all year. Hunter locks in the sleeper to slow things down. Earl Hebner’s resolution this year is to not get knocked out nearly as much as he has in previous years. Orton makes a comeback by punching HHH and bobbing his head slightly to indicate that this exchange was exciting. The crowd responds by enthusiastically checking to see if the booths still have any “Some Kind of Denver Broncos Float” merchandise left. HHH bails.
Hunter and Randy are standing around to start the second half of this match. Triple H takes a swing and misses, knocking out Hebner. Breaking your resolution ALREADY?! Geez. Triple H goes for the PEDIGREE TO ORTON, but Orton counters by scooting himself under Hunter’s legs. Flair tries to get the bell to Hunter, but Orton gets it and nails HHH. I guess you could say he’s Saved by the Bell. Randy Orton truly is the Head of the Class. He’s going to get over his Growing Pains in 2005, let me tell you. Batista comes out to try to help Hunter, but he ends up mesmerized by the enormous prancing of new referee Shawn Michaels. Chris Jericho and Edge run out to play Mario Tennis on the Titan Tron. Benoit stays in back and eats mini-Reeses. Eventually, Triple H spins around to try to find Orton in all the chaos, and he gets dizzy and falls over. Orton wins!
Next Week: The winner of the Elimidate Chamber, Dave Davidson, takes his new title on the hottest date ever to Embers. Kane marks his return to active competition by chokeslamming the remnants of the Women’s Division for Lita. And the rest of the competitors from Sunday’s New Years Electrocution are never heard from again.
See you then!
Tonight I wanna ruin my life, I wanna throw it all away, In a spectacular way
Welcome to a very special edition of “Satire”. Don’t expect all sorts of columns about Smackdown from here on out, because RAW is enough for me. But without DEAN this week, I figured I might as well. (Opening Credits…) Brock Lesner is backstage!