The Arsenal beat Dru Onyx to win the IWS title in a dramatic ladder match to cap off an historic and eventful Born to Bleed. But the self-proclaimed “One-Man War” did not win the belt alone. The Arsenal had on his side skill, guile and treachery, not to mention the help of his manager Iron Mike Patterson, fellow “Fan Favourite” the Evil Ninja, and some rather unexpected assistance from the Hardcore Ninja returning to the IWS after four months on the injured list.
Born to Bleed began with IWS Host Brian the Guppie announcing that the next IWS show, Un F’N Sanctioned, would see the IWS return to the beautiful Medley in downtown Montreal with the main event being “Fans Bring the Weapons”. Brian the Guppie, host of Team 990’s Between the Ropes, also announced that he was now the voice of wrestling for CFCF-12, on their Contact 12 hot-line, (514) 790-1212.
Le Syndicat de Lutte Internet, Damian DuMont and Viking Vigneault, issued an open challenge for any IWS team to face them at Un F’N Sanctioned. Crazy Crusher of Xtreme Revolution came into the ring to accept the challenge while his injured partner, Nightmare Manson, hobbled out to ringside to provide moral support. Just when it seemed like a brawl between le SLI and Crazy Crusher was about to break out, Don Francesco and his hired goon Tomassino came out. The Don announced that since the IWS continued to refuse to pay him his due, one of the three men in the ring would have to pay the price. Damian and Viking quickly bailed, leaving Crazy Crusher to face Tomassino.
Crazy Crusher’s speed and skill neutralized Tomassino’s size and strength. The Mad One appeared poised for victory until the Don used his cane to trip Crusher. This gave Tomassino the opening he needed to knock Crusher silly with a Last Ride Power Bomb. As Crusher staggered, out on his feet, Tomassino finished him off at 6:05 with the Last Kiss Sleeper. Protesting Don Francesco’s use of the cane on his partner, Nightmare Manson paid for his lack of respect when the Don was rescued by the dramatic appearance of the Black Stallion, Eric Mastrocola.
The Triple X "Sex XXXpress" Sexxxy Eddy and El Generico electrified the crowd with a match that many, including Brian the Guppie, are already calling the IWS Match of the Year. El Generico came within a stiff heart beat of victory, before falling victim to Eddy’s reverse shooting star press, the Sex On the Beach, after 15:14.
Beef Wellington’s quest for revenge against his former bodyguard, Career Killer Kurt Lauderdale, came to nought when Beef’s injured partner Kid Kamikaze stunned the crowd by flattening Beef with a vicious chair shot. Kurt Lauderdale grabbed the woozy Beef Wellington for his Career Killer Power Bomb and the win at 7:02. Kid Kamikaze dissolved Hi-5 on the spot, verbally attacking both Beef who he called a clown, and the IWS fans who he accused of being blood marks.
Kid Kamikaze’s verbal attacks were about to turn physical when the helpless Beef Wellington was saved by none other than Pierre Carl Ouellet. The amazed fans gave PCO a standing ovation, especially when he declared (in both English and French) that the IWS was now his home fed. Disgusted at Kid Kamikaze’s treachery, PCO demanded that Kid Kamikaze and Kurt Lauderdale fight against himself and Beef Wellington at UN F’N Sanctioned.
In a monster six man tag match, Hercules Ayala Jr and Los Latinos fought off the full Le Syndicat de Lutte Internet. Latino Kid earned the victory for his team at 13:09 after power bombing his brother Latino Mysterio from the top rope onto both Damian DuMont and Viking Vigneault. Incensed at the result, Fred le Merveille displayed a death wish by asking the man he calls “Hercule Poirot” for a match at Un F’N Sanctioned.
It is said that good things come in threes and on this night the fans believed that, as three men made their first IWS appearance at Born to Bleed. Following Eric Mastrocola and Pierre Carl Ouellet’s startling debuts, Kevin Steen came to the ring to announce that he too was joining the IWS. Kevin Steen, the greatest wrestler in Canada (or at least so he says), issued an open challenge for Un F’N Sanctioned. Annoyed by Steen’s hyperbole, EXcesS69 came to the ring to accept the challenge. Pretending to shake EXcesS69’s hand, Kevin Steen decapitated EXcesS69 leading to the Green Phantom rushing out to defend his tag team partner. After the rescue, the Green Phantom slapped EXcesS69 for being an idiot.
In the subsequent IWS tag team title match, the Odd Couple tag team of Green Phantom and EXcesS69 successfully defended their belts against the Flying Hurricane’s challenge in an intense, innovative and insane contest. The Green Phantom, bleeding through his mask, won the match after he clotheslined Kenny the Bastard out of the ring and then flattened Kenny’s partner, Takao, with the Phantom Menace. The Green Phantom pinned Takao at 14:24 by using his own partner, EXcesS69, as a human cannon ball hurling EXcesS69 off the top rope onto Takao with the Phantasm. After the match, the Green Phantom announced that he and his partner would defend the IWS tag team titles at Un F’N Sanctioned in the Fans Bring the Weapons against any team, “with the stones to show up.”
The main event between Dru Onyx and the Arsenal for the IWS title was made a ladder match at the orders of Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris. Early in the night, the Arsenal and Iron Mike Patterson came to the ring to gloat about the stipulation giving the lighter man, the Arsenal, a distinct advantage. When Onyx charged the ring, he was ambushed by the Evil Ninja and then immediately rescued by Hardcore Ninja Number One, unseen in the IWS since being brutalized by his own brother the Evil Ninja in a no-ropes barbed wire match in April, during Freedom to Fight.
During the main event, two ladders were literally battered into splinters as Dru Onyx pummelled the Arsenal back and forth across the ring. For a while it appeared that the Arsenal’s manager, Iron Mike Patterson, would be the one to climb the ladder and claim the belt. Onyx neutralized Iron Mike Patterson by handcuffing him to IWS host Brian the Guppie. After spearing the Arsenal through a chair and an already broken ladder, Onyx was poised to climb the ladder and claim his title when the Evil Ninja interfered in the match. His brother, Hardcore Ninja Number One, rushed to the ring with a chair to defend Onyx, but when Onyx turned his back, Hardcore Ninja Number One blasted Onyx with the chair and ripped off his white mask, revealing a black one underneath. As Iron Mike Patterson crowed that the Hardcore NInjas were back together and both dedicated to evil, both Ninjas and the Arsenal climbed to the top rope with chairs to unleash a three-way Pearl Harbour on the downed Onyx. While the Hardcore Ninjas held Onyx down, the Arsenal climbed the last ladder remaining to claim his prize and become the IWS champion.
During the in-ring celebration of the Arsenal’s victory, Iron Mike Patterson announced that he was accepting the Green Phantom’s challenge. The Hardcore Ninjas will compete in the Fans Bring the Weapons match and Patterson predicted that they will triumph to become IWS tag team champions for the third time as a team.
The IWS presents Un F’N Sanctioned, Saturday, September 20th, at The Medley, 1170 St-Denis, Montreal, Québec. Tickets are fifteen dollars in advance. For information about the show e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org or visit the Internet Wresting Syndicate at their web-site: http://www.syndicatewrestling.com. For information about IWS merchandise & DVDs e-mail email@example.com or order from http://xrv.com/iws/.
I liked that one a lot. It's different enough from Hot Newz that I think both can exist. Hot Newz is more of a parody of those awful newsboards, whereas this reads like an issue of the Wrestling Observer after Meltzer finally has the lobotomy.