Last Week: Triple H and Triple Dave had an argument about what the hell was going on with Dave trying to get in the Royal Rumble. Daivari tried to pimp out his evil scams to steal the money of the innocent. Hey, was that Intergalactic Space Hussy and Heart Crusher, Stacy Keibler making out with Randy Orton? It was? Well, who the hell will she make out with…TONIGHT?!
Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit v. Chris Tian, Tyson Tomko and Edge
While I’m thinking of it, might I remind you to check out my OTHER more better Column available at this very website? Thanks. Lillian Garcia immediately gives up on trying to figure out who any of these people are. I think she’s freaked out that Tomko’s trying desperately to become Jim Neidhart. Never expected this match to be jerking the ol’ curtain did you? After a few minutes of light brawling and prancing about the ring, everybody decides to stand in a line and try to make J.R. guess who they are. J.R. asks if they are all Chris Jericho? OH! Everybody owes Jericho a dollar!
This match is STILL going on. Things get crazy go nuts when Christian gets hit with a couple of suplexes and Benoit, his offense exhausted, pouts in the corner until the WWE lets him do the crazy stuff he learned in Japan. Like make the ring explode. Unfortunately, that’s the stuff of Kane, Big Show, and Brock Lesnar, so you’re not going to be seeing that again this year. Unless Benoit wins the Rumble again. Then the ring will pretty much collapse in shock. Tomko lumbers into the ring, and promptly gets Superkicked. Benoit makes the pin, but the real story is Shawn Michaels and Edge staring at each other after the match. So much they can do for each other’s hair. Hair they will lovingly wash this Sunday.
Over On Smackdown: How in the hell will Big Show be able to take on Bradshaw and Barely Wrestling Kurt Angle, when he’s got that girl with boobs on his mind?
Intergalactic Space Hussy and Heart Crusher Stacy makes her way to the ring. You broke my heart. Sniff.
Intergalactic Space Hussy and Total Bitch Stacy Keibler is out and she’s got a stick. Try not to blow it, hon.
InterGalactic Space Hussy/Skinny Bitch Stacy: Hi, there! When I’m not cheating on my boyfriend with Randy Orton, I like to make up Holidays. One that I totally made up on my way out here, is “Jim Ross Day” celebrating years of confused calls and horrible metaphors! Here to help us celebrate is Al Wilson!! Al Wilson: I’m not Al Wilson. I’m Danny Hodge. I used to be a wrestler before anybody in this audience was born. IGSH/SBS: Oh, Al. You’re hilarious. I remember back when you and Torrie and I used to go shoe shopping all day long. Remember that? Or do you have Alzheimer’s? Oh, no. Do you? I feel so awful now. Al Wilson?: I AM NOT AL WILSON, YOUNG LADY! IGSH/SBS: It’s worse than I thought! Wait…Aren’t you dead? Jim Ross: Stacy, Mr. Wilson, thank you. Al, it’s a real honor to meet you as I was never on Smackdown, and you were dead by the time the draft lottery occurred. But as I remember it, you were a real hoss and an amazing addition to the Smackdown roster. AW?: I…uh…thanks? IGSH/SBS: Happy “Jim Ross” Day! JR: Thanks a lot, Stacy. It means a lot to me to have a day named after me here in my home state of Oklahoma. After all, I’m Sooner Born, Sooner Bred, and when I die, I’ll be Sooner Dead. IGSH/SBS: Oh, don’t talk like that, J.R. I’m sure Al Wilson here will die again before you do. This should make you feel better!
Stacy makes out with J.R. Then she makes out with Al Wilson, and the camera guy and Lillian Garcia. Yeah. Greeeeeat.
J.R.: Boomer Sooner!
And hey, why not add a little Triple H to the mix. He’s with Triple Naitch.
HHH: What the hell is going on here? JR: We’re having “Jim Ross Day”. HHH: The hell you are! Do you realize it’s been a full THREE commercial breaks, and I haven’t even been on TV ONCE?! I mean, hot damn. Don’t we have a PPV coming up? And I’m in he main event? And here we are spending twenty minutes talking about some stupid ass announcer, and his friend the zombie. AW?: To be fai- Ric Flair: Danny WOO By God Hodge? AW?: Finally. Hello, Ric. RF: You owe me fifty bucks. AW: What the hell are you talking about? I’m Al Wilson. RF: WOO! HHH: Therefore, henceforth I declare this, Triple H Day! Now everybody makes out with me!
Hunter kisses Ric and Al and J.R., but when he goes to kiss Stacy, J.R. stops him.
JR: Come on, Hunter. You can’t do that. Nobody wants to see Stacy make out with a heel. IGSH/SBS: Plus, you have really awful Hair!
That’s enough to set Hunter off. PEDIGREE TO AL WILSON! PEDIGREE TO J.R. Flair nails a low blow on Ross to add injury to injury. He pulls up Stacy’s skirt and goes to give her a Pedigree, and Lawler dies. He can’t finish it off, though, because Randy Orton runs out and Triple H bails so that he can’t fall over. Randy tenderly takes Stacy’s hand in his own, and they share loving words about how much prettier they think they are than the other.
The Voice of the Undertaker: Something is very wrong here. Al Wison should not have been in this segment. I must investigate!
You know…With the pacing of J.R.’s new catchphrase, he would have been an AWESOME Impact Player.
Jim Ross: I was Sooner born…. Justin Credible: That’s not just the coolest…. Jim Ross: I was Sooner bred…. Justin Credible: That’s not just the best…. Lance Storm: That’s from Calgary… Jim Ross: When I die, I’ll be Sooner dead…. Lance Storm: Alberta, Canada. Justin Credible: And that’s Just in Credible. Jim Ross: Let’s go get hammered.
Backstage, Evolution is chatting.
Triple H: OMG! I can’t believe that Ortonsgurl487 didn’t like my segment. Ric Flair: How the hell can you tell if these girls are hot? I want some ass. WOO! “Dave” Batista “Davidson”: You should pick on people your own SIZE! HHH: Like who? Nobody is as cool as us. DBD: How would Nibblins FEEL! You attacked Al WILSON! HHH: Forget about Nibblins. DBD: GASP! HHH: Let’s see…A/S/L? RF: OMG! I just met a hot girl! WOO! Im going 2 take ur old lady 4 a ride on Spce Mnt., Fat Boi. WOO. Send. HHH: Ew. Naitch, quit trying to cyber with me. DBD: How could you say that about America’s favorite CAT! HHH: Dave, just leave that to me. DBD: RF: AH! DBD: I’m going to go enter the Royal RUMBLE! HHH: Wait…Dave…Come back. Aw dammit.
Over in the Bischoffice, things aren’t going so well for Eric.
William Regal: I don’t care if I lost my qualifying match at the Minneapolis House Show. Please let me be in the Rumble. Eric Bischoff: No. WR: I’ll give you a dollar. EB: NO! WR: Come on. Come Oooooon! EB: How about this. I’m going to give you a Rumble spot. WR: Huzzah! EB: But then give your Rumble Spot to Coach. WR: Boo!
Here’s La Resistance.
Rob Conway: We haven’t cut a real promo on this show in months. Sylvain Grenier: But we still would really appreciate it if you let us in the Rumble. EB: Gee…Sorry. Smackdown is filling this year’s “Jobber Quotient”. Better luck next year guys. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I will wrestle La Repentance for the Royal Rumble SPOT! RC: Oh yeah. Greeeeat. We’ll still job. DBD: But you’ll get to appear on this SHOW! SG: Hey! He’s right! Let’s go get ready, Rob. RC: You’re the best, Dave. EB: Huh. Dave Davidson, Great Negotiator. DBD: Do you have any COOKIES?
Viscera v. Tajiri Royal Rumble Qualifying Match
Coach is out and he says that the first one to throw their opponent over the top rope gets the Royal Rumble spot. Tajiri throws up all over Viscera because he can’t believe he’s still feuding with Coach. Viscera hardly notices, however, because his cloths are made of vomit repellant black plastic bags. Tajiri is so distraught about this that he leaps of the top rope, and then, realizing that he has jobbed to Viscera, Tajiri spits mist into his own eyes, so that he doesn’t have to look at himself and his shame in the mirror. Man, remember when Ben Stiller was promoting his surefire hit Mystery Men and it seemed like it was building up to something with Jeff Jarrett, and then Jarrett punked him out? Well, I’ve got to tell you, if it would have happened, Ben Stiller v. Jeff Jarrett would have been a much better match than this one.
Maria Tennyson Lund is with Tajiri.
Maria Tennyson Lund: Tajiri, did you enjoy losing? Tajiri: Yes? William Regal: Tajiri, Mrs. Lund. I am in this segment. TJ: Help. WR: Yes, Well. Eugene’s out for a while. Rhyno sucks. Wanna hang out in backstage segments together? TJ: I love you! WR: How about you asscakes? MTL: William Regal, how do you enjoy stuff? WR: See you later.
Viscera is TOTALLY going to win the Royal Rumble.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson” v. La Resistance In a Royal Rumble Qualifying Match
Dave glowers at La Resistance. Triple H and Flair are shown watching porn backstage. Now this isn’t weird in and of itself, but they are watching it from behind the TV. “WOO!” Ric Flair says. Back in the ring, Dave picks up both members of La Resistance, juggles them while reading “Red Fish, Blue Fish” and then hits them with consecutive OSPREY BOMBS TO LA RESISTANCE~! Dave could be the tag team champions right now. Makes you wonder what the hell Hurricane and Some Kind of Denver Broncos Float’s problem is.
Backstage, With Flair and Triple H (Which would make an awesome show on E!)….
Ric Flair: WOO! That was sextacular. Triple H: You suppose Dave won? RF: Of course he did. HHH: Damn. Ok. I’ll be right back. RF: Bring back some pants for the NATURE BOY! WOO!
Sean Cold Val Venis v. Mohammed Hassan (w/Khosrow Daivari) In a Royal Rumble Qualifying Match
Sting’s Music plays Hassan and Daivari down to the ring where they compare towel whitening strategies with Sean Cold. I heard Val was going to star in a three movie deal with WWE Porn. Good for him. I wish him all the best in his future endeavors. Hassan locks Val in the Steiner Recliner while Daivari shouts things (in English!) about what kind of Hot Pockets he likes. I’m a Cheeseburger or Pepperoni, man, myself. Oh, or Meatball. Mmm…Hot Pockets. Hassan eventually gives up and just pins Val to put him out of his misery. Damn, and I was just about to change my pick to him.
In Evolution’s Locker room.
Triple H: Hey, who here thinks Ric Flair can go another hour to win a Royal Rumble?! Ric Flair: No. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I believe in you NAITCH! RF: Really? That’s great. HHH: Well, I entered you in it, Ric. So give me some mad props. RF: WOO! I just hope I don’t get eliminated by Viscera! DBD: I’m going to eliminate EVERYBODY! Except NAITCH! HHH: Good plan! RF: WOO! I’m goin’ to WRESTLEMANIA!
Maven is out and he’s asking whether or not anybody would dare to challenge the great and powerful Maven for a spot in the Royal Rumble. Oh, Maven. Your heart is in the right place, but your eyebrows…they’re holding you down. Of course Maven doesn’t get a spot in the Royal Rumble, but what he does get is a little more…KANE!
Maven v. Kane v. Abe Orton Triple Threat Where If Maven Pins Somebody, He Gets a Free Footlong Sandwich From Subway
Hmm…High stakes. Abe comes storming out to join the proceedings, and Coach comes out to explain to the slower members of the audience that this is a “triple threat match.” Wow. It’s funny because Kane and Abe look like they were run over by a bulldozer. Hey, guys, you fell off the stage. People used to do that every week, and then they would come back the next week and just be all mad. I had higher hopes for you, Kane. Abe’s spleen falls out about ten minutes in, and while he’s searching for it, Kane choke slams Maven and gets the win. Too bad. Those subs are like, $20 now. Damned inflation. Wouldn’t it be weird if Kane and Abe were in the Rumble together…At the Same Time? Woah.
In the News:
-Steve Austin signed a Three Picture Deal with WWE Films. According to this press conference, Austin will star in the first picture, a film about a redneck who leads a rebellion against an apelike race of aliens who conquer the earth. I don’t want to give away the plot, but….
He stunners the leader at the end.
-Also, Austin and McMahon appeared on Fox Sport’s Best Damn Sports Show Period where Tom Arnold asked them when they were going to be fighting Jeff Jarrett for the NWA Title, and John Salley made a inexplicable comparison to his time in the NBA.
Tazz and Michael Cole say: Buy Royal Rumble. I bet you couldn’t name more than one Smackdown match that they could possibly do!
Edge is backstage with Todd Grisham….
Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham backstage with Edge, and Edge, you’re going to be at Wrestlemania this year. Edge: Yeah. Hopefully. Man, I don’t know anymore. I’ll probably pull a muscle or something. TG: Yeah. I bet I’ll be fired. EG: That sucks. I can’t believe I broke my neck. TG: That sucks. I fell in acid once. EG: That sucks. Now look at this! No crowd response! I’m never going to get over. And if I can’t get over, then I’ll NEVER win the World Title. TG: Benoit never got over. EG: Yeah, but Vince was getting death threats about THAT whole thing. TG: Man, you’ve got it bad, Edge. EG: You might have it worse, Toddster. TG: Yeah. EG: Yeah.
They make a suicide pact, at which point Todd downs a cyanide pill and dies.
EG: Damn. Oh well. Shawn Michaels, I’ll see YOU at Royal Rumble!
Ric Flair (w/ Triple H and “Dave” Batista “Davidson”) v. Randy Orton
Orton flails around for a little while, trying to lock in an CHINLOCK~! Flair however, counters by constantly bouncing off the ropes and knee dropping his robe. Once the two finally lock up, however, it’s magic as Triple H trips up Orton, and Batista knocks the ref out. There is another five minutes of stalling before Flair throws a chop. Orton bails. Not quite knowing how to handle a face bailing, Flair begs off. The ref wakes up and throws Dave out for being a nuisance. Dave tries to pin the blame on Triple H, but WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda knows better than to try to mess with Triple H. Dave is pissed off that he’s got to leave, but at least now he can go back and catch the end of Night Court with Kane.
Naitch makes his moveset felt by kicking Orton in the knee. Triple H continues the assault by also kicking Orton in the knee. I’m sensing a pattern here. WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda takes a good kick at it as well. Then, in a feat more impressive than anything you’ll ever see on TV again, Randy Orton kicks himself in the knee. With the same leg. Dazzled by this display, the ref goes down. Orton falls over. But there’s no Ref! He can’t win! Flair locks in the Figure Four, but WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton is too late, so he gets a PEDIGREE TO WWE RAW REFEREE CHAD PATTON! That was stupid, now Flair will never win. Hunter picks up the title and runs at Orton, but he misses and flies over the top rope. If that happens at the Royal Rumble…we’ll be treated to a few minutes of Triple H stalling. With Hunter out of the picture, Orton is quickly able to confuse poor old Ric Flair to fall over, and with WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda recovered, that’s a win for Mr. Keibler.
Sunday Night: In a SHOCKING SWERVE~! Viscera will just sit in the middle of the ring at the Royal Rumble, and be impossible to eliminate, Viscera’s Going to WRESTLEMANIA~! New WWE Champion Randy Orton will Celebrate by making out with Stacy McBitchcakes. And what will happen when Superstars from RAW and Smackdown collide?! Nothing? Huh.
See you all then. Enjoy the Rumble and enjoy the Satire Special Edition (available soon in five easy to consume parts!)
(edited by Excalibur05 on 25.1.05 1136) Tonight I wanna ruin my life, I wanna throw it all away, In a spectacular way
Wait, so in deference to TWGTT, that made Kurt Angle the equivalent of Shari Lewis and turned Shelton into Lamb Chop. Is that right? There's only one other thing to say about this week's column: NEEDS MORE MANTAUR!