"Here comes the paint" -- The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor, before he became a whiny, crybaby jerkhead quitter.
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, the column that is coming DANGEROUSLY close to becoming a TIRED CLICHÉ. I'm Canadian Bulldog (real name: "Canadian" Bill Dog), and we've got tons to get to this week. But first, a quick, EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED poll:
Who Should Eric Bischov Trade Triple HHH For? (A) "A-Rob" Alice Rodriguez (B) A Player To Be Named Later (C) An Assorted Package of Television Jobbers (including Iron Mark Sharp, Ricky 'Attacki' Funaki, S.D. 'Express Overnight Delivery' James and Gary Horowitz. (D) Actor/Singer/Songwriter Stuart Stone (E) Yes
Be sure to register your vote at http://inside_the_ropes.tripod.com and enter for a chance to win a 2005 Cadillac STS (not on our website, but we're sure that such a contest exists somewhere).
Here are the results from our last poll: How did you find Wrestle Mania XXX? Awful (14%) The Crapdaddy Of 'Em All (4%) Worst Since Hero of Wrestling (0%) With My TV Remote Control (38%) Yes (42%)
And now, onto the news…
GIMME AN `OH, HECK NO': Sheriff Austen is in deep doo-doo with the authorities because of a recent Domestic Dispute, according to the smokin'gunns.com website. Legend has it, he gave his patented stoned cold stunner to his girlfriend (Deborah MacMichaels) and then poured beer all over her and gave her the finger. However, police have now confirmed that it wasn't a "shoot"; it was just a "work" to help get Austen's "gimmick" "over".
Several former World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Inc. superstars, such as Goal Dust (Dustin Reynolds), Razor Raymond (Scott 'Last Hall' Call and Ricky Flare (The Natural Boy), are being sued because they 'allegedly' had sex with each other on the infamous Flight Clothesline From Hell.
For those of you who weren't around when this happened, this was the flight when a bunch of wrestlers were coming back from a long flight from Iraq, and that no-good D-Lo Dudley spiked everyone's complimentary punch, and it made everyone get really drunk!!! Then Brock Lesnor pushed Sir Perfect out of the plane!!! Without a parachute!!! And then Ex-Pack cut the hair of Michael 'SP' Hays!!! Which upset the bookers because they were planning on doing that exact same angle the next night of Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw!!! And then one of The Hardy Brotherz dropped a package of peanuts!!! Which in itself isn't a bad thing, but there was ALL KINDS OF CHAOS HAPPENING!!! Then The Returning Leeta took her shirt off and Jerry "The King" Lawyer screamed "Puppies! Woo hoo! Puppies, JR!"!!!
If ya smelllalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalallalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalah!!!: After making cinematographic classics such as King Scorpion and The Runaway, Rocky Maivia is heading back to 'tinseltown' once again with his latest box-office smash Walking Proud. The film, which co-stars Jerkass star Jimmy Knoxville, is based on the 'true life' story of Hacksaw Tim Duggan who grabbed his trusty 2 x 4 to scare off drug dealers. Hooooooo, tough guy!!!
Trade-A-Mania: Now that the dust has settled from last week's 'Draft Lethal Lottery', several trades have taken place. Eric Bischov traded Ricola and Jackie Gay for Triple HHH, who used his backstage influence to hold down the trades and trade himself back. Then, he traded The Dudley Brotherz and Bookie T for a Train. Also, The Criminal Assassin traded Smack! Down co-commissioner Paul Herman for former Olympic Hero Kur Tangle. If this is any indication, I can't wait to see all the new trades that happen next week!!!
Absolutely nothing happened in NWA T and A. Again.
Recently, the website MSN (which I am personally affiliated with because of my hotmail address!!!) held an online chat with former commentator and mayor Jerry "The Body" Ventura to talk about his new film 'Inside The Mat'. Here are some excerpts:
Digital Dish Diva says: Welcome, Jesse. Tell us how important it is to be Governor.
Ventura says: You maintain the title forever. You can even put that on your gravestone. You can put your highest position so when I was Mayor I could have mayor but now that I've been Governor, then I can now have that and if someday I became president, then I could have that title.
Digital Dish Diva says: What did you think of Beyond The Mat? You know, the reason we're chatting with you today?
Ventura says: I thought it was a terrific film that lets you into the life of a pro wrestler and how life is after wrestling, some is good and bad, mine was good but others were not so good. It was very truthful.
Digital Dish Diva says: But besides talking about yourself… what advice would give up and coming wrestlers?
Ventura says: It's actually myself and Mick Foley and Barry Blaustein talking about the film. Interestingly my son Tyrel was the director and hopefully he put some good things in there. We didn't get to see the final product.
Digital Dish Diva says: How did a self-centered moron like you become Governor anyways?
Ventura says: There are plenty of similarities. I do a class on it. I'm teaching that at Harvard. The easiest way for me to answer is that in wresting you get paid by how many people buy a seat just like getting votes. You have to be good in front of people for both. Maybe most importantly when you see the politician on stage, he may be nothing like what they are in real life like the wrestler. They may simply be performing for you.
STONECOLDTX in Onstage_1 asks: How do you get stubborn grass stains out of our blue jeans?
Ventura says: I don't have any intentions to run, but I said that after I was Mayor and then I ran for Governor. The only other political thing I would run for would be president but I am not running this time because I need time off.
Digital Dish Diva says: Can you please name-drop, using someone famous, and then compare that person to yourself? Ventura says: I haven't spoken to Arnold the whole time. I sent him a good luck thing and the night he won I sent him a bottle of Dom Perignon. I know where he's at. It's like jumping on a treadmill at 7 or 8 so he doesn't need to hear from me.
DTCutting in Onstage_1 asks: How would you advise asking your boss for that big promotion?
Ventura says: It harms the business in the fact that the wrestlers have no bargaining chips. If there are two separate leagues you can play against each other. You'll notice job loss when businesses merge. The WWF is a better organization and the buck stops with Vince McMahon so it works much better.
?eregr??e¤GWMVp¤Ë?t in Onstage_1 asks: If train A, traveling 70 miles per hour (mph), leaves Westford heading toward Eastford, 260 miles away, and at the same time Train B, traveling 60 mph, leaves Eastford heading toward Westford, when do the two trains meet?
Ventura says: I want to be known as the wrestler that when he said retired, did. Besides it's a young mans game. My best days in wrestling are behind me.
L337jcanales in Onstage_1 asks: Can you talk a little bit more about your career? Because hearing about it for the past five years simply isn't enough.
Ventura says: (laughs) It's different in the way I had to go from my outrageous outfits to suits. As you get older you look silly running around in feather boas.
Digital Dish Diva says: Can you please disassociate yourself completely from your past life in wrestling?
Ventura says: I've moved on and I haven't kept track of it. The fans would know more of what's going on. I have other mountains to climb. It's a part of my past that I'm proud of but the chance is slim.
EsmeHazel in Onstage_1 asks: Before we wrap things up, can you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Jesse Ventura says: Right now I'm teaching at Harvard and enjoying the heck out of it. I'm taking the summer off and we'll see what happens in the fall. Don't be surprised if I do a few more films, it will be a surprise. That's the way I like it. I believe in destiny.
Is a certain Bad Boy who likes to 'play by his own rules,' headed to the WWE? No. Why do you ask?
One man who's been garnering a lot of attention recently is Breadshaw. Kudos to the youngster for changing his gimmick from being a 'Drunk Bigot', to a 'Fat Oil Tycoon'. For those of you who aren't smart enough to remember, here's a quick look back at his career:
1990-something: Starts wrestling in the minor leagues 1996: Debuts in WWWF as Jason 'Hawk' Breadshaw 1995: Teams with Barry Wind 'em as The New Jack Blacks. 1998: Takes a well-deserved break. 1999: Forms the Acquelytes Protection Association with good friend Faarrooqq. 2002: Fights the Nouveau World Order seventeen weeks in a row on Eric Bischov's Monday Right Raw, posing as Stoned Cold's tag team partner. 2004: Dons a suit for the first time in his life, makes zillions betting on the stock market. 2005: Not sure yet, because that's next year.
Anyone else out there thinking that newcomer Johnny BladeSpaceBlazeSpadeNitroThunderWorldwideSaturdayNightSlamboree might actually just be Stephen Richards in a clever disguise?
The Insurer Didn't Screw Bret; Bret Screwed Bret: In legal news, former WCW competitor Bret 'Hatman' Hurt is suing his slimy insurance agent Lloyd London, because the company won't pay him for the time that Vince MacMahon screwed him over during "The Montreal Snowjob".
My question in all this: why is this guy so FREAKING bitter? What has life ever done to you to make him so (pardon my French here) incroyablement fâché? Brad, you're a household name these days, what more could you want? You always used to say you were "the best that ever could have been". Then back it up already, pal!!!
Disgusting moment of the week goes to Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, when Takajiri accidentally threw up something green all over Coach Man. Ewwww!!!
Recently, I had the chance to sit down and speak over the telephone to the promising young rookie who was drafted to Smack! Down, otherwise known as The Edge. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript, which may not be reprinted elsewhere (911mania.com, I'm looking at YOU), unless you don't tell anyone about it.
E: Hi, caller you're on the air with The Edge, 102.1 FM! CB: Thanks for the compliment. E: Who have we got on the line? CB: It's Canadian Bulldog, known to many as a poor man's Wade Keller. E: I… see. CB: Question number one: Don't you… E: Whoa, whoa, whoa, kid. Did you want to win the David Bowie concert tickets, or what? CB: Sorry, I don't listen to that fly-by-night, one-hit wonder crap. I'm calling to conduct an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview with you. E: With.. me? CB: Great!!! Question number one: Don't you think your gimmick has gotten a little stale? E: I… I… Well… thanks for your call. Let me just put you on hold, and folks, we'll be right back with the Top 40 countdown. (puts me on hold, then:) Hey, Bulldog. We're off the air right now… CB: Does that mean this is "off the record"? E: Uh… yeah. I just wanted to ask you, do you really think my gimmick has gotten stale? CB: For sure. It's worse than Rikishi Phatu And Your Mother Too at this point. E: Really?!? I thought I've been able to adapt with the times. That's what the station manager thinks, anyways. CB: Your station manager is wrong. E: What do you suggest? CB: As a professionally-trained, award-winning jornalist, I would strongly suggest re-inventing yourself. Remember when you used to do those ten second poses? E: Uh… no, not offhand. CB: That's okay. It was a while ago. Anyways, you need to be more raunchy, more in-your-face. Or else, how are you going to compete with the flashy, charismatic Deacon Batista's of the world? E: I didn't even know I was competing… CB: So just be yourself, but then change everything. That's my advice. E: So you're saying I should be raunchy and offensive? CB: No, I'd said 'thanks for the compliment', and now I'm saying 'THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!!' (hangs up) E: … and we're back! We were going to go to our traffic report, but now instead, for the next hour, yours truly is going to play… WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS! AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU STUPID ASSWIPES CAN DO ABOUT IT! HA! BITE ME! What do you mean… "fired"?
If there's anyone you're just dying for me to interview, why not drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com? The first five callers will get tickets to tonight's Bowie concert.
Finally, let's go over to a new feature I like to call
The Dog Pound
It's where we look at your questions and attempt to answer them. The feature is different from our traditional 'question and answer' session for several reasons, such as the new name. Here we go:
Q: When is Rodney Mack coming back? Because he's my favorite wrestler and I can't get enough of him. Sincerely, Mack Salmon, wienerboard. A: Thanks for the compliment. Unfortunately, Rodney Mack Salmon won't be coming back any time soon, because he died last night. Sorry.
Q: That's not true at all. A: Denial is usually the first stage towards recovery.
Q: Why do you think Trish turned on Chris Jericho? A: HELLO? I ANSWERED THAT SAME QUESTION TWO WEEKS AGO IN THIS VERY COLUMN. WHAT'S THE MATTER? CAN'T YOU READ? DON'T YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? DUMB ASS!!!
Q: Hi, Bulldog. Love the column. Who do you think is the greatest tag team of all time? A: I MEAN, GET A LOAD OF THAT GUY. HERE, HE ASKS A QUESTION I ANSWERED PERFECTLY WELL A FEW WEEKS AGO. I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL. YA KNOW?
Q: What can you tell me about "The Flight From Hell" A: Folks, I can't talk about it here. But CALL ME ON THE HOTLINE, 1-900-909-9900. Kids, get your parents permission first. That's 1-900-909-9900.
Folks, that about does it for this week. If you want to contribute anything to
The Dog Pound
or, if you just have any comments, feedback, or recipes; or if you just feel lonely and want to talk; or if you know any hot women you can set me up with, drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. Until next time, remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.