"Because that's just what I roll" -- The Christian, 1996
Welcome, everyone to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and INTELLIGENCE-INSULTING edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the man who, along with Al GORE GORE GORE, single-handedly invented the Internet. We've got TONS to get to this week, but first, a quick poll:
What led to ECW's fall from grace?
(A) A Disloyal Fan Base. (B) The Fat Guy In The Neckbrace. (C) Catering to Cyberspace. (D) WWE VP, Talent Relations, Johnny Ace. (E) Yes.
Laying The Smacketh Down One Dayeth Later: The network that airs Smack! Down has ordered WWE figurehead president Vince MacMahon to "move his damn show" to Fridays.
Why? No one knows for sure, but my inside sources suggest that The WB wants the show to become part of its SMOKING HOT T.G.I.F. lineup! Beginning in the fall, watch for Urkel to make a guest appearance! And he'll show up in Smack! Down District Manager T.D. Long's office and accidentally destroy the furniture! And when Long questions him about it, he'll say "Oops. Did I do that?"! And then Long will say something like "Holla holla. Ya feel me, playa?"! But Urkel will have no idea what Long is talking about, and will keep calling him "Carl" for some reason! And it will be the best Smack! Down ever!
Oops, I have one more thing to add to this news item (prematurely shot my "EVER!!!"; that happens a lot to men my age)…
And then WWE Undisputed Other World Champion John Ceno will be forced by the network to do the following rap:
Yo, gather the kids and grab your spouse Comin' up next, a very special "Full House" Watch as Uncle Jesse gets in a mood, Then Stephanie decides to say, "How rude!"
Wait'll ya see their little brat kid pout After Joey tells her to "Cut… it… out!" Then we'll find out what happened to Kimmy Gibbler When… well, nothing rhymes with Gibbler, so, the champ… is… HERE!
Uh… errr… EVER!!!
Enough Is Enough, All Right: This week marked the sixth deathiversary of "The Nugget" Oren Hurt, who tragically died at the WWF "Over ThEdge" PPV when Vince MacMahon shot him out of a cannon in order to (eventually) win the Monday Night Wars. WWE officials sensitively commemorated this somber event by holding a mock funeral on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw.
Who's that young hunk that's been accompanying Carlita Caribbean Cruel to the ring lately? He's none other than Matt Morris, the former Tuff Enuff winner who has some sort of Speech Impediment. Can Morris succeed where fired bodyguards Jesus and Lucifer Rains couldn't? BANK ON IT!!!
Why is Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera so moody lately? He must back on drugs again…
There was a NEW champion crowned last week in Double Jeff Jarrod's regional NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass) promotion, and his name is B.J. Styles. For those of you don't know much about Styles, he's the… uh… um… sorry, I have nothing here, folks.
Good news for wrestling fans everywhere: Vince MacMahon has gotten the old ECW promotion out of hock from a pawnshop where his daughter Stephoney MacMahon-Helmsley-Test put it almost four years ago!!! In order to repay the debt he owes MacMahon, former ECW voiceover guy Paul Herman has vowed to present WWE Presents ECW Presents WWE's ECW One More Night.
Eric Bischov, the District Manager of Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, is pissed off about the event because he sucks, so he's threatened to INVADE the show! He's going to stand in the ring and say "I think this promo is about THREE MINUTES too long." And then Three Man Warning will reunite for ONE NIGHT ONLY and kick the crap out of Balls Maloney for some reason.
What else will happen that night? Well, I'm glad you asked, stupid, because it so happens I have obtained a list of Vegas-style Odds for the PPV. To wit:
Someone will bleed.
"New" Jack will kill someone.
Eric Bischov will get humiliated somehow
Tajerky vs Super Crazy, rematch number MCXXIII
Joe E. Styles will drone on about how this show is far better than the other wrestling companies out there.
The show will be referred to as "off the hook, Cole" by no less an authority than Tazzzzzzz.
Some sort of run-in
Ripple of "T-N-A! T-N-A!" chants in crowd.
Leeta will start sleeping with Steve Corina.
Some Internet Fuck will whine about the price of tickets.
Triple HHH pins entire promotion after single pedigree.
Recently, I had the chance to sit down and talk over the phone with sexy newcomer HI-DAN-RIKE. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript, which may not be reproduced without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball.
CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number one: why do you have this "thing" for fondling little children?
H: Streichelnkinder? Ich weiß nicht, was Sie besprechen.
CB: Well, sure, if you put it that way. Question number two: Are you trying to pattern your career after one of The Butchwhackers? Or what?
H: Ich werde viel ziemlich Rede, um wie Der Undertaker ablehnt, zu verkaufen.
CB: Excellent. Question number three: Is the entire locker room up in arms over the fact that ThEdge stole my catchphrase "Bank On It!!!"?
H: Wenn Sie dies aus nicht schneiden, werde ich Ihnen den wahren Terror von der Nazistischen Kriegmaschine zeigen müssen.
CB: Easy for you to say. Question number four: do you ever plan on, you know, winning a match?
H: Ich bin nur hier, eine Aufgabe zu machen. Jobbing macht zu mir nicht wirklich aus. Es zahlt die Rechnungen viel besser als, sagt, arbeitend für TNA.
CB: True dat. Final question: When your career is all said and done (most likely in the next few months), how would you like people to remember the legacy that is HI-DAN-RIKE?
H: Offen möchten Kanadische Bulldogge, ich hat sich erinnert an als jemanden, den hart arbeitet, stellt in einen ehrlichen Nächten Arbeit sein und bedenkt nicht jobbing zu Funaki. Das ist alle, die Sie um bitten können. Lassen Sie uns stellen das Wort Nazi hier drinnen zu sehen, wenn irgendjemand tatsächlich dies liest. Und das war ein Gedicht durch Heidenreich.
Oh heil yeah! Thanks for the interview, ya big lug! If there's anyone out there you're dying for me to interview, drop me a line at email@example.com. Now finally, let's go to a feature I like to call:
Hollywood Stu's Gossip Corner
Above: The Cerebral Assassin Holds Back Stu
Hey, Bulldog! While I don't have any new gossip to share this week, I do have one helluva plug:
· My new hip-hop song "Rollin' With Saget" featuring Full House star Bob Saget and comedian Jamie Kennedy, is now available for a limited time only on http://myspace.com/thestonemovement. Click here to read about the song's coverage on MTV.
That's IT??? Your whole column? What the HECK am I paying you $5,000 a week for, anyways? That's it; someone bring back Johnny ITR, stat!
I guess I need some space-filler now. How about this little item I like to call:
May 16: What a great day! Managed to get myself booked in like 20 shitty indy promotions. Plus Jeff isn't in rehab this week; everything's coming up Hardy! Now I can kick back and watch Raw (to see what the competition is up to, you understand). Hey, look. It's Amy in an opposite corner from Adam! HAW! Vince really stuck it to them, having to "pretend" to be rivals and everything. What a piece of feces!
Wait, why's she sliding a briefcase over to… no, wait, that must have been an accident. I mean, since when does Amy actually nail her spots perfectly? Wait a second, why's she pushing Kane off the… no…. no… OH DEAR LORD!
May 17: Hey, everyone, how's it going? Had one hell of a bad dream last night. But never mind that. On to bigger and better things, I always say. Hey - why don't I check out the Internet to see what my fans are bitching about now. Wait a sec… last night's angle on Raw? What are they talking about? Wait - that wasn't a bad dream???
May 18: Okay, I'm going back to the Internet, but only to read Canadian Bulldog's column. If anyone can play dumb to this whole situation, it's him. Wait a sec… Chewbacca? Why, that's a dig at me!
May 19: Please shoot me now.
May 20: Ah, the weekend is finally upon us. Let's just tune to TNA Impact so I can see what my brother's up to. I mean, what are the chances he'd no-show their TV taping, ruining my chances of employment? Wait a second… suspended?
May 21: Just biding my time now. The angel of death is near…
May 22: You know what? Raw is tomorrow night. Surely, they'll just write off last week as what it was - a tragedy. I can't wait to watch now.
May 23: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
And that about does it for this week. If you have any questions, complaints, problems or unnecessary sexual harassment for me, be sure to direct it at firstname.lastname@example.org. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
Thread ahead: This Satire (5/30/05) Features Scenes of Hot Litigation Action, Reader Discretion Advised Next thread: ROH Death Before Dishonor 2: Night Two Previous thread: Worlds Collide for RAW Satire 5/23/05