“Beat me if you want, survive if I love you.” - Tazzz, 1991.
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and NOT AT ALL REPETITIVE edition of Inside The Ropes. I’m Canadian Bulldog, often referred to as The Fifth Beetle. We’ve got a ton to get to this week, so let’s hop to it. But first, a quick poll: Who will become the next member of Revolution? (A) Barry Wind’ Em (B) Jerry “The King” Lawyer (C) Triple HHH (D) “Ravitching” Ricky Rude (E) Yes Be sure to vote for you choice at the official Inside The Ropes website. And here are the results of last week’s poll: Who will win the $25 Million Diva Dodgeball Challenge?
Anyone else out there man enough to admit they shed a few tears this week when marriage vows were traded between The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain and The Returning Leeta? While it was not structured like “traditional” wrestling weddings, (Billy and Chuck, Uncle Elmer and His Wife, Ryan and Liz), it certainly was a beautiful event.
Belt for sale: Former WWWF Champion The Allllllll-timate Worrier is selling his Championship Belt on E-Buy because he needs the money to buy drugs. To bid on the item, click here!!!
Rapmaster Jim Cena and Bookie T have vowed to wage their blood feud in a “Best of 500 Series” during the next few weeks of Smack! Down. Who will ultimately win? THE FANS!!!
DID YOU KNOW? Former wrestler Bill Goldenberg once went undefeated for an incredible 1,709,603 matches? The streak finally ended when he jobbed to Huge Morrus on WCW Thunder, for no apparent reason. (Thanks to reader email@example.com for sending in this week’s DID YOU KNOW?)
When, exactly, did Coach Man turn heel? Did I miss something?
I was reading through the Observing Wrestler Newsletter this week and was SHOCKED to see that these jerks have their own Hall of Fame. What gives? Isn’t the one sanctioned by WWE enough?
Never one to pass up an opportunity, I have initiated the FIRST-EVER version of The W Hall of Fame. Will it be way more prestigious than the stupid, crappy, Dave Melter one? BANK ON IT!!!
With that said, here are the inaugural picks for the TWHOF. Picks were made by a committee that includes, and entirely consists of, myself and apprentice Johnny ITR. Agree or disagree, but you know we’re 100 % right!
The W Hall of Fame
· ”The Dog Faced Grappler” Rick Steighner This one should come as no surprise. A perennial favorite in the WCW, ECW, Japan, China, South Korea and the old WWWF territory, Steighner showed us that it’s not always the size of the fight in the dog, but the size of the dog in the fight.
· Big Van Vader’s brother Jack When it came time to dish out punishment, carry a match or take unique and innovative bumps, no one in this business worked harder than The Man They Used To Call Vadar. This was due in no small part to his brother (or maybe his brother-in-law) Jack Vader.
· Actor/Singer/Songwriter/Producer Stuart Stone While his contributions to the sport are controversial because he’s never actually been tied to wrestling, this still shouldn’t diminish from his accomplishments. Plus, no one else did a better M.C. Mangle. Or The Mighty Caesar. Or J.J. Jones.
· Garrison Cake From his aborted tag team push with Mark Gingerale to his aborted feud with Mean Eugene, Cake is definitely a star in the making. Or perhaps not. It’s debatable.
· Blake Beverly Often known as “the glue that held the Beverley Brotherz together,” Blake was as talented as he was charismatic.
Do you have any nominees for the TWHOF? Too bad; it’s not your Hall of Fame.
Recently, I had the chance to sit down and conduct an interview over the telephone with Good Ol’ JR. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:
CB: Is this J.R.? JR: “The one and only.” CB: Good! Question number one: Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for kissing the ass of Vince MacMahon? JR: “Like my daddy always said, where there’s a way, there’s a will.” CB: Um.. thanks for the… uh, compliment. I think. Question number two: How come you and Jerry The King Lawyer never seem to agree on anything? JR: “Like my daddy always said: if you can’t get in the front door, just go around to the back.” CB: Enough with your fucking father already! PLEASE!!! JR: “All that matters is winning.” CB: Good point. Question number three: Why do you call big guys like The Best Show, a Train and Nathan Johns a “horse” in your weekly Roth Report? JR: “You know, Sue Ellen, I do believe you’re going ninety miles an hour toward a nervous breakdown. We’re going to have to do something about your ravings.” CB: I agree; they do have to do something about the ratings… JR: “Contracts were made to be broken, honey, but a handshake is the law of God.” CB: Truer words have never been spoken. Question number four: Who do you think REALLY won the Monday Night Ratings war? JR: “Don’t forgive and never forget; Do unto others before they do unto you; and third and most importantly, keep your eye on your friends, because your enemies will take care of themselves.” CB: That’s it. This interview… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up) JR: “Wait… it was all a dream! I wasn’t shot after all…”
If there’s anybody you’re dying for me to interview (pun FULLY intended!!!), drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Finally, let’s go to the old space-fillin' standby feature known as:
Letters From A Nut
Dear Superstar Barry Graham, Canadian Bulldog here (don’t pretend like you don’t know who I am!). I was as a jobber in Atlanta during the territory days. My question: I belong to a group of investors that are in the “prelim” stages of creating a line of “Superstar Graham Health Foods”. We wanted to make sure you were “on board” with it first before we start printing up labels, etc. The food would be first-rate, healthy, FDA-approved; all that crap. We are planning to start with Superstar Graham trail mix, Superstar Graham granola bars, Superstar Graham oat-bran cereal and Superstar Graham’s Olde Fashioned Peanut Butter (patent pending). Something for everyone. My questions to you at this stage: (A) Can we send a photographer to take a few pictures of your face (the people in our focus group aren’t very good artists, unfortunately)? (B) Are there any foods YOU would like added to the lineup? It’s all negotiable. (C) Can you still take any bumps (this would be for the commercial only)? If not, we can do some fantastic things with CGI animation... Thank you for your support and consideration in this. Please respond to us ASAP, as some of the ingredients are starting to get stale. Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Reply: To Whom It May Concern: We are in receipt of the email below which was forwarded to us by Superstar Billy Graham. Since WWE now has the rights to the Superstar Billy Graham name and likeness, we kindly advise that you cannot produce any products including the Health Foods mentioned below with Superstar Billy Grahams’ name or likeness on them. Thank you for your interest. Sincerely, Stacy DelPriore, Esq. Associate Counsel Legal Affairs Department World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc.
Dear Stacy DelWilkes, Thank you very much for your letter of August 9th. I did not realize that World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited currently owned the rights to Superstar Graham. We will cease producing health foods patterned after him IMMEDIATELY. My question: Because you are representing WWE, perhaps you can tell me how one would go about marketing the following products (we are testing them right now, but again, we keep hearing that we need your so-called ‘permission’ first):
• Kane’s Olde Fashioned Matzoh Ball Soup. This stuff works GREAT if you have the flu! • Bubba Ray’s Buttermilk Pancakes. It would be Dudleyville’s most-famous breakfast food! • Bad News Brownies. Every fifth batch will have a fingerless black glove shrink-wrapped to the package. • The Undertater. An oversized, stuffed potato that looks exactly like it used to in the early-1990’s. • “Legend Killer” Randy Oreos. Chocolate cookies with a delicious chinlock filling. • Bradshaw Burgers. You guessed it — no Mexican toppings allowed. • Chavo Chimichanga Classic. Look for it in the freezer section of your grocer. • Triple H’s Chocolate Steroid Crunch. This one explains itself.
Anyways, please let me know ASAP whom I could forward these products to. At the very least, you’d figure they’d outsell that stupid BBQ sauce by JR. Cheers, Canadian Bulldog
Reply: I will forward your email to the appropriate person in licensing.
Reply: Dear Canadian Bulldog, You will need to obtain a license from the WWE in order to produce product with our logos/ talent/ likeness. What company do you represent? What other properties do you work with? Thank you, Jennifer Jennifer Vogestad Senior Licensing Coordinator WWE, Inc.
Dear Jennifer, Thanks for the compliment!!! Some of the product lines we have engineered include those for Jeb Tennyson Lund (you maybe remember the ‘Jeb Fears Orton’ campaign); Top Ten Pro, and Johnny ITR. We were once in ‘advanced talks’ with Hacksaw Jim Duggan about producing health food with his picture on it, and we have contacted Roddy Piper about selling something called Piper’s Pits, a children’s breakfast cereal. You can also check out this website for some of our new product offerings.
How soon can we get our hands on a licensing agreement? The only reason I ask is because my bookie has been threatening to.... well.... hurt me in a painful way, if I don’t pay up soon. Hey, I thought the Blue Jays would fare better this season; who didn’t? Bottom line: if I don’t come up with a money-making scheme soon, it’s curtains for The Notorious D.O.G. Cheers, Canadian Bulldog
Reply: Dear Canadian Bulldog, Please fill out the attached licensing application and send back to me. Thank you, Jennifer
That about does it for this week. I’ll be back next week, unless I’m not, with more EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED news. Until next time, remember, if you heard it here first, it’s… Inside The Ropes.
That's one of the funniest letters back and forth you've done... Really funny Did You Know?" also.
Stacy Keebler got 0% of the votes, how embarrassing for her!... Talking about polls, some clown is flooding the votes for Lawler! Is there no shame! Cheat votes for something unimportant like a national election. But trying to ruin the credibility of ITR voting, that makes kittens cry.
smark/net attack wienerville advisory is raised to ORANGE alert - High (Benoit lost the title to some punk kid named Orton, lets look at the positive at least it's a heel not named HHH who has the title, which allows two fresh faces battling for the World title.. whaat? excuse me? what happened on Raw! well scratch that... Over to Smackdown we wave at Justin Bradshaws title reign, I think I'm getting sea sick)- 8/22
Originally posted by Net Hack Slasher Talking about polls, some clown is flooding the votes for Lawler! Is there no shame! Cheat votes for something unimportant like a national election. But trying to ruin the credibility of ITR voting, that makes kittens cry.
It's funny; I noticed the Lawler thing too. I have the poll set up so that every 10 votes, I get an e=mail notice. The other night, I logged in to see that I had 101 new e-mails; 100 of which were blocks of 10 new votes. I guess someone REALLLLLLY wants Lawler, er, Lawyer, in Revolution.
On an ENTIRELY unrelated note, it looks like someone recycled their Kurt Angle sign from 2000-2001, as I don't think he says that anymore and he certainly doesn't wear his hair like that anymore. A lovely column as always, the quote from Tazzz cracked me up especially.
Oh man, you take me back. The WCW hotline was such a ripoff. "A major superstar is returning to WCW!" Mean Gene would say, and then, being 12, you'd call like a dumbass, and end up wondering who the fuck Kendall Windham is.