(Note to the fine readers of The Whinerboard: The following column contains major spoilers for the upcoming Rumble Royale paper-view. I implore you not to read on if you don't want to be spoiled.)
(Seriously. I mean it. I can't be held responsible if my little "scoop" gets "leaked" to all the "dirtsheets" out "there". But I can sure as hell tell you not to read ahead if you want to be surprised.)
(Maybe I just shouldn't publish it. I'm not sure. As a recognized leader in the Internet Wrestling Community, I think I might not be doing my job if I pass along this valuable information. Oh, what the hell. You only live once, right?)
(I've got it!!! I can use that special HLMT code that disguises text until you highlight over it. I think I remember how to do that. Let's see…
--The people who read Whinerboard are a bunch of pathetic losers--
Aw, crap. It didn't work.)
(Okay, this is your final warning, then. You scroll down any further and – BAM! – you're smack dab in the middle of spoiler country. You have been warned.)
Oh, one more thing… this news comes from my top-secret source, Totalbs:
Dear Bulldog: I have secured a set of spoilers for everything that happens at this week's Royal Rumble! Now, you're probably thinking to yourself: how can I have spoilers for something that happens live in a few days (Bulldog's note: No, I hadn't thought of that, but it's a good point!). I have created a time machine that let me travel to wrestling events in the future. We almost had a problem getting back though; Doc said the DeLorean had to reach the clock tower at midnight, or else it wouldn't be struck by lightning at precisely the right moment.
Anyways, here are the results. Feel free to butcher them in your own unique style. Cheers,
Thanks for the compliment!!! Here we go:
First out is the pre-show match on SuNdaY niGhT hEat, Triple HHH vs. Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels in a 'Last Man Leaves Town' match. The match ends when The Criminal Assassin holds HKB under the glass ceiling and holds him down. A great four minutes of action.
First match of the big event is the Little Heavyweight Title match between Roy Mysterio and Jimmy Noble, but then Noble's blind girlfriend Nadia forces them to change it to a blindfold match!!! They never end up locking up because Sharon Moore comes to the ring and pins Roy Roy after he misses the 611. And More is your new champion!!!
In a backstage vignette, Coach John Goodman promises us that former Hardcore Legend and current Crybaby Coward Mick Farley will be here tonight. For sure. In fact, Mick has already called the taxi service and made a reservation and he even called 10 minutes ago to confirm that it would be there on time. And he signed a LEGALLY BINDING contract to ensure that he would be at the arena for sure. Without a doubt.
Next up is the Tables, Chairs, Snakes and Ladders match for the WWE Raw World Tag Team Titles as The Dudley Brotherz challenge the undefeated team of Ricky Flare and Deacon Batista. What happens at first is the Deacon puts both Barbara Ray and D-Lo through the tables, but it turns out they're not the regulation tables, so it doesn't count!!! Then the other members of Revolution come out to interfere, but Stoned Cold chases them off in his bicycle and puts the Deacon in the front basket. Before leaving, Sheriff Austen throws Flare a broomstick and forces Flare to wrestle it to a ***** match. Classic bout!
From there, the Los Guerreras explode as Eddy 'Juventud' Guerrera takes on his brother-in-law Chavita Guerrera. But Eddie gets ambushed by Chavita Guerrera The First who's wearing his old Gookedley-Gobber costume. Then EDDIE's father Eddie Guerrera Senior shows up, wearing the Laser Tron outfit and a new family feud begins!!! Then the Fabulous Rouge Brothers come out and claim their family is the greatest, and they're followed soon by BRAD THE HATMAN HEART who says HIS family is the greatest!!! They're all laid out, however, by The Von Erich Brother Who Is Still Alive. Whatta match!!!
Backstage, Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho decides, once and for all, to confront Tritch Stratus about his deep-seeded feelings to have sex with her. But instead, he accidentally confesses it all to The Christian, who is dressed up exactly like Tritch. In drag!!!
Finally, it's the match we've all been waiting for: Bob 'Hardwood' Holly vs. Brock Lesnor for the undisputed Smack! Down World Heavyweight Championship of the World. Before the match starts, The Next Best Thing confides to Smack! Down Commissioner Paul Herman that he's a-scared of Hardwood. Then Lesnor loses the match in seven seconds flat. New champion!!! Then King King Bundy runs out and starts a feud with Holly because he stole his record for the quickest match.
Next, it's on to the Rumble Royale. Who should come out first but none other than Demolition Axe?
Number two to enter the ring? You guessed it -- Mark Hardy Version 2.0 For Workstations. Mark Fact: The Returning Leeta is a lousy worker.
The two have their usual good match until who should enter at number three but Zak 'Don't call Me Larry' Gowan. For some reason, the hardcore Philadelphia crowd is booing Gowan, who grabs the microphone.
"What I'd like to have right now," Gowan says, "is for all of you fat, ugly, out-of-shape, two-legged freaks to keep the noise down while I show you what a real man is supposed to look like. Hit the music!"
The next superstar to show is star of the hit television series The Harry Carey Show, Drew Carry!!! "Bah gawd, Drew Carry is back to finish what he started three years ago!" announced Jim Roth yells.
Carry begins chokeslamming everyone in the ring, and then rips off his mask to reveal… he's actually The Best Show!!! "Bah gawd, The Best Show is back to finish what he started three years ago!"
Bzzt! Next up is Noonzio, leader of The Full Bodied Italians, who cleans house and eliminates everyone.
Bzzt! Who should be next but… Crash Hardy? What the hell? "I thought he was dead," commentator Jerry "The King" Lawyer says. "It was just a work!", screams Good Old JR Ewing. ``It was a work, bah gawd!''
Bzzt! Next up is a Train, who knocks out Noonzio with his patented Bike Kick.
Bzzt! Here comes… Johnny Playfair. It appears as if the former NWA T and A star will jump ship to WWE. Big things are in store for this muscular youngster!!!
Bzzt! Time for Big Ass Billy Gun, who gets a huge reaction from the crowd for his sixth return from injury in the past three years. Obviously, Philadelphia is Billy Gun Country.
Bzzt! "Wooo!" "Yeahhhh!" It's legendary WWE tag team The Weedwhackers, Butch and Lou, ready to kick some butt and provide comic relief.
Bzzt! It's time for Rikishi Phatu And Your Mother Too. Only it’s the not the Rikishi we've all grown to love. He's dyed his hair, lost 200 pounds and changed back to 'Make A Difference Fatu'. Awesome!
Bzzt! Who should receive this year's Deesel Push but none other than Deesel? "It turns out contract DID expire at the beginning of this year, but he didn't read the fine print,'' says JR. "Bah gawd!"
Bzzt! Next in is one third of The World's Best Goddam Tag Team, Charlie Horse, who eliminates everyone in the ring. Simotaneously!!!
Bzzt! "Bah gawd, it's Goldenberg!!!" proclaims Roth. "I thought he chose number 30,'' says Lawyer. "He did, but then he traded numbers with Slick's guys. Bah gawd!"
Bzzt! It's The Grim Reaper!!! No, not Big Evil The Under Taker, but the real thing. He comes in to kill Charlie Horse and bring him to hell, and then leaves.
Bzzt! Stand back – it's a Super Hero On Training, better known as Super Rosey. The tide begins to turn when… Bzzt! It's his BRAND NEW archnemesis -- Super Jamal!!! I can't believe it: The Three Man Warning EXPLODES!!!
Bzzt! Here comes Revolution -- all three of them -– to bully the Super Samoans and Goldenberg. Hopefully, someone will come to restore law and order
* GLASS SHATTERS *
Unfortunately, that was just part of the set that toppled over. Next person out is Takajiri (with new manager Sunny Ono and his Assorted Ninjas).
Bzzt! Rod Van-Damme is next, and before you can say 'R-D-V', The Whole Fucking Show makes quick work of Revolution.
Bzzt! Here comes former Million Dollar Champion Virgin!!! "He could surprise everyone and win the whole thing,'' says Gorilla Manson. "Are you kidding? That humanoid?'' says Bobby The Brian Heenen. "It's only cheating if you get caught, MacMahon,'' says Jerry The Body Ventura.
Bzzt! Time to bust a move, 'cause here's Jon Ceno with a special Rumble Rap:
Yo, yo, yo, it's Rumble time, It's only me and 29 others, Lookin' to make a name, You can't see me, Word to yo mutha!
Unfortunately, Ceno is eliminated as soon as he's finished his little poem.
Bzzt! Time for number 30 (or something like that). It's… it's… it's… The Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah!!!! Benwah eliminates everyone in the ring with ease, dazzling them with his superior skills and carrying all of them to a ****** match!!! Benwah is your Rumble Royale winner.
Or is he?
"This show needs a little more Kain!" says Roth, sounding a little like Raw Parody columnist Matt Horking. The Big Stupid Red Machine tosses out Benwah like a hot potato. Kain is your Rumble Royale winner.
Or is he?
Bzzt! "Here comes the money," the theme music plays. "Here comes the money. Money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money…" It's Shane O. Max!!! He shoots Kain in the head, repaying him for an earlier stunt. Shane MacMahon is your Rumble Royale winner.
Or is he?
Bzzt! Here comes former WWE creative mastermind Vince Rousseau. He SHOOTS on Shane MacMahon and blames him for the downfall of WCW. Then he throws him out. And he's your Rumble Royale winner.
Or is he?
Bzzt! It's (WOW) Canadian Bulldog. How the heck did I get entered in this thing? I don't remember even signing on with the company. Weird. Anyways, long story short, I win the Rumble. The show ends.
What an amazing show! I can't wait to see, er, experience the big event. Did I not tell you this was amazing news? Funny, I didn't see The Stupid Crappy Wrestling Observer For Jerks pick up on this development. Oh well, they can't get every scoop first, I suppose…
A special thanks this week to my top secret source. You really are full of it, Totalbs – FULL OF GREAT NEWS!
By the way, Bulldog. I have to tell you something else about the future... It's your kids! Something has to got to be done about your kids!!!
Damn -- I just watched the whole thing play out, and I didn't end up on top. I wasn't even one of the chosen 30 participants. I wasn't even in the right town. Yet I did a bladejob for some reason. Strange...
I guess it's true what they say. That's what happens when you try to alter the future...
I really liked the column, it worked for me. A detailled analysis of why would probably destroy my enjoyment of the piece, but it didn't come across as sneering or elitist. Muy funny, though. Good stuff.