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The W - Guest Columns - Inside The Ropes - The Goldberg You DON'T Know
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CANADIAN BULLDOG
Andouille








Since: 5.3.03
From: TORONTO

Since last post: 363 days
Last activity: 361 days
ICQ:  
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.32
"I'm Gonna Git You… SUCKAAAAAAAAAA!" – Booker Tee, 1988

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another edition of Inside The Ropes, arguably the most informative wrestling column EVER. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and let's get right down to it.


An open letter to Scott "Toby" Keith,

Hello, Scott. How are you? My name is Canadian Bulldog. Do you remember me? We once agreed to read each other's work, but obviously only ONE OF US honored that commitment (ME!).

But that's not what this is about. You write weekly wrestling 'rants' on 911mania.com, covering the latest matches in WWE, WCW and AWA:TNA. Everyone already knows that.

My question is, why are you so FREAKING bitter? Why can't you just sit back, and enjoy the hours and hours of free entertainment that these companies provide for us (okay, maybe not TNA, but I'm sure you have a 'hook up' of some sort)?

Okay, maybe this isn't the best year for World Wide Wrestling Federation Entertainment Corporation Limited Incorporated LLC. But it's ONE OF the best years they've had, what with Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash losing his hair and all.

Maybe each match isn't deserving of your patented ****** rating, but did you ever stop to think about their families and how THEY are affected by your stingy ratings system? I'm sure the wife of, say, Rodney Max -- if he's married (and a handsome fella like him would HAVE to be spoken for) -- would be IN TEARS at your latest review of his match, which reads word-for-word:

"Rodney Max's match was a crappy piece of fucking shit. No stars."

How can you look yourself in the mirror at night with comments like those, Scottski? What did the superstars of WWWE ever do to you? What, did Hercules put you in a vertical backbreaker as a child or something? What gives?

You have often said that you hope to become the next Dave Melter, but at this rate, you're not even in the same league as Oldline Onslut's Jab Tennessee Lung or Matt Horking.

You may disagree with my points, but deep down you know I'm 100 percent right. We're both from Canada. Why can't we think exactly alike?

Peace, out,

B-Dawg




A sad note from the wrestling world. Anthony Durante, best known to fans as One Of The Pitbulls, has died. That's sad to hear. Personally, I can't say I've ever seen any of his matches, though through photos and online accounts, it sounds like he formed one hell of a tag team. Their costumes were outrageous, right down to the cut-off jean shorts and rope belts, and the oversized soupbones they carried to ringside. Our prayers are with his family, and with former partner Pitbull Rex, during this troubling time.

How good is it to have Good Ol' JR Ewing and Jerry The King Lawyer back as the Raw announcing team, and not the evil team of Coach Man and Al Shaw? During their absence, I couldn't help but think of how they would have called some of the big Raw matches. And once they un-retired and took over the mic, it was obvious they hadn't lost a step and that the old magic was back. Nothing but kudos from me for these promising youngsters!!!

It's so nice to see that Torrie Watson and Don Marie have put aside their differences to go after a common enemy: Queen Shineequaa. Al Watson must be smiling down from heaven, knowing that his `two girls' can separate the whole killing-your-father thing for the greater good.

HUGE NEWS on the Triple HHH front. It turns out that The Criminal Assassin has offered a whopping ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS for anyone who can pin Bill Goldenberg to the mat. Obviously, "H" has opened up that infamous Greenwich wallet of his, and with that kind of money making the rounds, it's a wonder Da Man still has the title around his muscular waist!!!

And speaking of which…

HHH headed to HHHollywood? Rumor has it that "H" is looking to Tinseltown to polish off his already-impressive resume. My top-level sources tell me that he's currently in negotiations with Academy Award winner Wesley Sniper to co-star in Blade III: Because The First Two Blades Weren't Enough and is also in talks to star with Washed-Up Actor Stuart Stone and D-Von Sawa in Boys Club II: The Boys Get Pummeled With A Sledgehammer Because They're Snot-Nosed Punks Who Use Their Parents Computers To Spread Internet Rumors. Both projects sound like BOX OFFICE GOLD to the old Bulldog!!!

And speaking of which…

I had a Completely Original Idea over the weekend: why not pen a comic strip… about wrestling?!? A quick search of the most important wrestling websites showed me that no one out there is doing it.




Let me know what you folks think about the premier edition of my comic; more are ON THEIR WAY!!!


Recently, I had the chance to chat over the phone with WWE World Heavyweight champion of the world… Goldberg!!! What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED TRANSCRIPT. The transcript may not reprinted without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball.

G: Good afternoon, Goldberg Clinic, how may I direct your call?
CB: You sure DID put on a clinic this past week, teaming with H2K against Revolution.
G: I'm sorry, sir.
CB: Oh, don't be. You did your best, and that's what counts.
G: Who is this?
CB: Canadian Bulldog, the man who kicks Hot Newz's ass with his groundbreaking columns.
G: Who do you want to speak with, sir?
CB: GOOOOOO-LDBERG! GOOOOO-LDBERG! Is this him?
G: Why no, it's not.
CB: Oh. That would explain why you sound less like a guy and more like an old woman, then.
G: (Gasps) One moment!

A short time later…

G: This is Dr. Goldberg. Can I help you?
CB: Yes, this… wait a second. DOCTOR Goldberg?
G: Yes. Who…
CB: DOCTOR Goldberg?
G: Yes!
CB: Wow, you learn something new every day. I had no idea you were a doctor.
G: Do I know you?
CB: No, I'm just a longtime fan. Question number one: how do you feel now that you've rid the world of Triple HHH?
G: Is that some sort of disease?
CB: Is it ever! Just answer the question.
G: I don't know what you're talking about, kid. Now…
CB: Question number two: Why did you let Scott 'Last Hall' Call end your winning streak?
G: Streak? I've had more successful operations than any other doctor in this state, but I wouldn't call it a …
CB: Question number three: how does it feel knowing that people hate you behind the scenes?
G: THEY DO?
CB: Do they ever!!!
G: Well (sniff), I don't know what to say. I mean, you don't take this job to make friends, but still I thought that (sniff) at least some people in my ward liked me… (starts bawling)
CB: Calm yourself down!!! Last question. Who's next?
G: (Sniff) Well, I have Murray Handelbaum down for my three fifteen appointment, but now, I'm not sure I really feel like seeing him.
CB: Okay. Bye!!! (hangs up)

So let that be a warning to YOU, Murray Handelbaum. The WWE champion is calling your ass out!!! And remember, if you have anyone you want me to interview, drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com

It looks like my prayers have been answered -- Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah will finally 'lock horns' with a Train at the next pay-per-view spectacular, Have Mercy. Also expected for this power-packed-card are: Big Evil The Under Taker v. Brock Lesnor FOR THE TITLE!!!; Vince MacMcMacMcMacMahon v. His Daughter in a Hell In The Cell; Eddie Guerrera, Chavito Guerrera and Ray Mistereo v. Best Show and Team Angel, and Cur Tangle vs The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor. On paper, it looks like the BEST PPV EVER!!!

This week on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, both Molly Hardy and Gay Kim complained that they didn't have their own books or DVD's yet. Well, that's all about to change!!! Sources tell me that a Kim DVD will be out NEXT WEEK and feature all four of her WWE matches, while Molly's book, out in time for Christmas, will no doubt be placed alongside the best-seller's lists like the bios of Marvelous Moolah, China and The Returning Leeta.

Update on the suckiness of Hot Newz: He still sucks!!! Yeah, I know you've been "dissing" me to all of our common "sources", but "it's" got to "stop". You may be the originator of our style, pal, but I'm the originator!!! You want a piece of me? I'm not too hard to find. (Note to webmaster CZR: as per our previous agreement, please do not give out my home address or credit card information. Thanks!!!)

Where did Rod Roddy Piper go? I haven't seen his In The Pit With Piper segment on TV for several weeks now.

Finally, let's close this bad boy up with a little Q & A. Remember to send me your questions (or answers) at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com

Q: Stop wasting column space, bonehead.
A: Thanks for the compliment!!! And actually, it's Bulldog, not Bonehead. You wouldn't believe how many times people have mixed those two up.
Q: What can you tell me about Goldberg?
A: According this official web site, Dr. Goldberg is ``a Natural Hygiene Practitioner and a University Professor of Gastroenterology, Rheumatology, and Clinical Nutrition since 1979, Dr. Goldberg has long been devoted to helping others reverse chronic illnesses through Natural Hygienic/Biological Measures.
Few understand the misery and discouragement of being unable to locate the help and guidance they need in order to recover from chronic illness better than Dr. Goldberg. Stricken with a form of Rheumatoid Arthritis accompanied by ulcerative colitis in 1975, he searched for help for his ailing body trying numerous systems and doctors without help. In 1976 he came under the guidance of Dr. R.L Cheatham at the Natural Hygiene Institute where he worked and studied for a year, rebuilt his tattered body, and became the institute's health and fasting director.
He continued his studies at the University of Texas Medical Center, Graduate School of Public Health, where he did his thesis on Hygienic Approaches to Rheumatic /Arthritic Diseases.
Q: Why was WWF forced to change its name to WWE?
A: Because Rick Flare wasn't allowed to have his old WWF title shown on television even though he owned the thing. So while they were changing the logo on the belt, they also changed the company's name.
Q: Why hasn't Stone Cold Steve Austin been wrestling lately?
A: Stoned Cold, real name Stephen Austin, was suspended by the WWE Board of Directors because he was physically provoked by Eric Bischov and Y J Stinger.
Q: What can you tell me about Mark Jindrak?
A: Jindrak has " long been devoted to helping others reverse chronic illnesses through Natural Hygienic/Biological Measures.
Few understand the misery and discouragement of being unable to locate the help and guidance they need in order to recover from chronic illness better than Dr. Jindrak.
Stricken with a form of Rheumatoid Arthritis accompanied by ulcerative colitis in 1975, he searched for help for his ailing body trying numerous systems and doctors without help. In 1976 he came under the guidance of Dr. R.L Cheatham at the Natural Hygiene Institute where he worked and studied for a year, rebuilt his tattered body, and became the institute's health and fasting director.
He continued his studies at the University of Texas Medical Center, Graduate School of Public Health, where he did his thesis on Hygienic Approaches to Rheumatic /Arthritic Diseases."

That's about it for this week. Remember, if you have any questions, comments, suggestions, constructive criticisms, stupid remarks, or you're just Hot Newz telling me that "It's ON!", email me at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. And remember, if you heard it here, it's… Inside The Ropes!!!




Goldberg tells all in a tell-all interview where he tells all!!! Tons of news about Triple HHH!!! All this plus the ONLY wrestling cartoon anywhere in the latest Inside The Ropes!!!

------------------------------------------------------------
The official Inside The Ropes archive!!!
Promote this thread!
Gugs
Bierwurst








Since: 9.7.02
From: Sleep (That's where I'm a viking)

Since last post: 335 days
Last activity: 1 day
AIM:  
Y!:
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.23
Another good one, Bonehe...I mean Bulldog.



Sometimes I ask myself why I watch WWE after all the crap it's given me. HLA, necro, HHH, and so on. And then it hits me. That one simple phrase that can be modified and used for anything that gets you down, yet makes you keep coming back.

Every episode has the potential to be the best one ever, and I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it after sitting through this shit.
Broncolanche
Sujuk








Since: 2.6.03
From: Littleton, CO

Since last post: 981 days
Last activity: 233 days
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.63
Yes--more comics!



"How did the Cards go 11-5? How did Emmie Smith rush for 1,400 yards? How did Jeff Blake become the No. 3 rated passer in the NFL? You dreamt it, that's how."

Ralph Wiley, ESPN Page 2, The Year of the Dragger (2003 NFC Preview)
Jaguar
Knackwurst








Since: 23.1.02
From: Phoenix, AZ

Since last post: 16 days
Last activity: 16 days
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.72
    Originally posted by Bonehead
    Blade III: Because The First Two Blades Weren't Enough


I thoroughly enjoyed that.

Also, I'm pretty sure that something would implode if Hot Newz and Canadian Bulldog ever interviewed each other.

-Jag



To Make Jeb Feel Better: ;)

Note to self:

The less I post, the fewer chances I have to look like an ass.
ScreamingHeadGuy
Frankfurter








Since: 1.2.02
From: Appleton, WI

Since last post: 566 days
Last activity: 566 days
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.04
I really liked the interview with Goldberg. Poor, poor unloved doctor.



Fashion Reporter Extraordinare

...as is proper.

The Great Thomas
Sujuk








Since: 17.6.02
From: Miami, Florida

Since last post: 3193 days
Last activity: 3193 days
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.18
My God! That was the greatest comic ever!



VOTE4WOZ.COM
A VOTE FOR WOZ IS A VOTE FOR A BETTER CALIFORNIA
MICHAEL J. WOZNIAK FOR GOVERNOR
CANADIAN BULLDOG
Andouille








Since: 5.3.03
From: TORONTO

Since last post: 363 days
Last activity: 361 days
ICQ:  
#7 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.33
Dear Gogs, Brokenlanch, Jagg War, ShoutingHeadMan, The Great Muta:

Thank you all for the feedback (I'd say 'thanks for the compliment', but, well...you know...).

I don't say this enough, but the kind words are truly encouraging, and give me the strength to fight my life-threatening illness (okay, maybe I fibbed about the last part there). Anyways, thanks.

And just a cheap plug: I'm very pumped about the next ITR, which is scheduled to hit Online Onslaught tomorrow and wienerboard shortly thereafter. It's kind of a concept I haven't tried yet, and I'm very curious to see what people think of it.



Goldberg tells all in a tell-all interview where he tells all!!! Tons of news about Triple HHH!!! All this plus the ONLY wrestling cartoon anywhere in the latest Inside The Ropes!!!

------------------------------------------------------------
The official Inside The Ropes archive!!!
SomeRandomFag IV
Cotechino








Since: 12.8.03

Since last post: 3452 days
Last activity: 3452 days
#8 Posted on | Instant Rating: 1.87
Stick with the comics because your column stinks



Wolfram J. Paulovich
Frankfurter








Since: 11.11.02
From: Fat City, Baby

Since last post: 2773 days
Last activity: 2144 days
AIM:  
#9 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.93
Oh, yeah? Well YOUR column stinks more!


I think Carpathian Bullfighter is the greatest contributor to the 555-1212board. If you can't see that, ParticularSingularFag, then you don't deserve your appointment to the United Nations.


And you're a moron.


See, it's funny, because I got almost all the other facts wrong. I made mistakes about names and positions. Deliberately!


But I got the moron right.



The Obtuse Angle Archive.

"I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children."
CANADIAN BULLDOG
Andouille








Since: 5.3.03
From: TORONTO

Since last post: 363 days
Last activity: 361 days
ICQ:  
#10 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.33
    Originally posted by Jeb Tennyson Lund
    Oh, yeah? Well YOUR column stinks more!


    I think Carpathian Bullfighter is the greatest contributor to the 555-1212board. If you can't see that, ParticularSingularFag, then you don't deserve your appointment to the United Nations.


    And you're a moron.


    See, it's funny, because I got almost all the other facts wrong. I made mistakes about names and positions. Deliberately!


    But I got the moron right.


*Sigh* My hero....

But let's not be too hard on Some Fag. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion. His is just wrong.





Goldberg tells all in a tell-all interview where he tells all!!! Tons of news about Triple HHH!!! All this plus the ONLY wrestling cartoon anywhere in the latest Inside The Ropes!!!

------------------------------------------------------------
The official Inside The Ropes archive!!!
darkmatcher
Bockwurst








Since: 12.2.03
From: New York, USA

Since last post: 2493 days
Last activity: 1569 days
#11 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.36
    Originally posted by SomeRandomFag IV
    Stick with the comics because your column stinks


Survey says...BZZZ.
More comics? Survey says...BING.



I have changed my signature.
SchippeWreck
Banger








Since: 26.3.03
From: Glendale, CA

Since last post: 4 days
Last activity: 15 min.
#12 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.12
    Originally posted by CANADIAN BULLDOG
    A sad note from the wrestling world. Anthony Durante, best known to fans as One Of The Pitbulls...


I have no idea why, but that made me cackle like an idiot.

Good stuff, B-Dawg.



SomeRandomFag IV
Cotechino








Since: 12.8.03

Since last post: 3452 days
Last activity: 3452 days
#13 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.01
    Originally posted by Jeb Tennyson Lund
    Oh, yeah? Well YOUR column stinks more!


    I think Carpathian Bullfighter is the greatest contributor to the 555-1212board. If you can't see that, ParticularSingularFag, then you don't deserve your appointment to the United Nations.


    And you're a moron.


    See, it's funny, because I got almost all the other facts wrong. I made mistakes about names and positions. Deliberately!


    But I got the moron right.


Your humor and wit amaze me. Here I thought Bulldog was trying to hard to be funny and then you show up with that reply. Nice work Jeb, nice work indeed.



Wolfram J. Paulovich
Frankfurter








Since: 11.11.02
From: Fat City, Baby

Since last post: 2773 days
Last activity: 2144 days
AIM:  
#14 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.48
    Originally posted by SomeRandomFag IV
    Your humor and wit amaze me.


Thanks for the compliment!



The Obtuse Angle Archive.

"I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children."
Socks
Landjager








Since: 25.6.02
From: Ottawa

Since last post: 639 days
Last activity: 251 days
#15 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.21
My Dad can beat up Your Dad!!!








"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.
Need I say more?"

Chris Rock
CANADIAN BULLDOG
Andouille








Since: 5.3.03
From: TORONTO

Since last post: 363 days
Last activity: 361 days
ICQ:  
#16 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.37
    Originally posted by Socks
    My Dad can beat up Your Dad!!!





That's nothing. Shane McMahon's dad can beat up his daughter.



Goldberg tells all in a tell-all interview where he tells all!!! Tons of news about Triple HHH!!! All this plus the ONLY wrestling cartoon anywhere in the latest Inside The Ropes!!!

------------------------------------------------------------
The official Inside The Ropes archive!!!
Gugs
Bierwurst








Since: 9.7.02
From: Sleep (That's where I'm a viking)

Since last post: 335 days
Last activity: 1 day
AIM:  
Y!:
#17 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.26
    Originally posted by CANADIAN BULLDOG
      Originally posted by Socks
      My Dad can beat up Your Dad!!!





    That's nothing. Shane McMahon's dad can beat up his daughter.


True, but Shane McMahon's dad can't beat up Hogan's My Dad's dad.



Sometimes I ask myself why I watch WWE after all the crap it's given me. HLA, necro, HHH, and so on. And then it hits me. That one simple phrase that can be modified and used for anything that gets you down, yet makes you keep coming back.

Every episode has the potential to be the best one ever, and I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it after sitting through this shit.
Thread rated: 5.38
Pages: 1
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... some sort of spangly tiara or something. Oh man, a tiara. I would have a freakout.
- Ruby Trax, (Bitchfactor) (2002)
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