"We so totally reek!" -- The Edge and Christian Cage, 2000
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, the one place on the Internet where we aren't afraid to TELL IT LIKE IT IS!!! (okay, well maybe us and The Smokin' Gunns.com). We have tons to get to this week, but first, a quick trivia question:
What is the likely main event for Wrestle Mania XXX in Madison Ave. Garden? (A) Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah Vs. Triple HHH Vs. Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels Vs. Shane O'Max (B) The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain Vs. Shane O' Max (C) The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain Vs. Pete Rose (D) Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah Vs. The World's Nicest Man Mike Henry rematch from Raw. (E) The World's Nicest Man Mike Henry Vs. Pete Rose (F) Shane O' Max Vs. Triple HHH
Answer at the end of this column!!!
An open letter to Eric Bischov,
WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, MAN?
I know that, as the co-general manager of Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, you have the power to make whatever decisions you want. But this time, I daresay, you've gone too far.
This past week, we saw you suspend Goldenberg, simply because he accidentally speared and jackhammered Paul Herman and Sheriff Stoned Cold Steve Austen. That could have been your biggest mistake EVER!!!
The suspension, that is. Not the spear-and-jackhammer thing. Because you can't really be held accountable for that.
According to reliable sources, including but not limited to rajahwwf.com, your booking plans for Wrestle Mania XXX are to have Goldenberg face Brock Lesnor. Well how can you book that match, GENIUS, when one of those two is SUSPENDED???
I suggest that you lift the suspension ASAP so that we can look forward to the 'Rematch of the Century' at 'Mania. DO IT NOW!!!
Peace, out, B-Dawg
As you all know by now, unless you're a bunch of dumb-asses, the WWE's next pay-per-view spectacular is just two weeks away. So with that in mind, here's an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of Norway Out:
Main Event - 'Latin Heat' Eddie Guerrera Vs. Brock Lesnor (with Goldenberg in his corner): This one could go either way. On one hand, you have a dominant champion in 'The Next Best Thing' who will do anything to destroy his opponent. On the other hand, you have that fiery Latin temper of Guerrera, just like Tito Montana used to have back in the day. On the other hand, you have the winner getting a world title shot at Wrestle Mania, and that always makes things more exciting!!!
Main Event - Kur Tangle Vs. 'Rapmaster' John Ceno Vs. The Best Show Vs. Shane O' Max: This one could go either way. At stake is the number two contenders spot (because the number one contender is always the Intercontinental or NWA U.S. Champion, according to PWI), so all five competitors will do their best to show each other up!!!
Main Event - Ray Mystereo Junior (with That Boxing Guy) Vs. Chavita Guerrera Junior (with His Old Man): This one could go either way. With the Little Heavyweight Title at stake, the former family members won't likely give an inch to each other.
Main Event - Jimmy Noble Vs. Nadia: This one could go either way. It's the first ever husband vs. wife match in WWFE history (unless DPP fought Kimberlee; in which case, the second) and this match has 'scientific catch-as-catch-can classic' written all over it!!!
Although those are the only matches announced as of press time, here are some likely matches:
· Scotty The Hotty and Rikishi Phatu And Your Mother Too Vs. The Bash 'Em Brothers : Hell From The Cell Match. · Big Ass Barry Gun Vs. Ernest The Kat Carter (w/Lamonty in his corner). · Hardwood Holly Vs. a Train. · Zak Gowan and Brain 'Speedy' Kendricks Vs. The Retired Nathan Johns and Canyon. · Takajiri and his Assorted Ninjas Vs. Billy The Kid-Sized Man, Ray Mystereo and… uh, let's say… Orlando Jackson.
Regardless of which of those dream matches take place, I think I can safely predict that Norway Out is shaping up to be the BEST PAY-PER-VIEW EVER!!!
This just in: Zak 'Don't Call Me Larry' Gowan has decided to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited. According to top level sources, Zak was asked to cut off his other leg by Vince MacMahon and refused. The nerve of some people. Doesn't Zak know that MacMahon is a booking genius?
Anyways, here's a brief recap of all that the young Mexican accomplished during his WWE stay:
Zak started off as a fan of Hulk Hollywood Hogan's, who leapt from ringside to save him from a two-on-one attack by Rod Roddy Piper and Big John Stud (or am I thinking of Hillbilly John?)… Anyways, he soon donned a mask and was known as Mister American, which for some reason, Vince MacMahon thought was really Hogan. Then, he jumped ship to Raw and during an interview he set Jim Roth on fire. Then, he fell in love with Maximum Hair Coloring Diva Of The Year Tritch Stratus until The Christian kept trying to break them up. Then he jumped ship back to Smack! Down and turned on his uncle Eddie Guerrera. Then he quit.
Here's hoping that WWE and Gowan can somehow amicably re-sign his contract in the near future.
According to several prominent online journals, upstart federation MLW, or Minor League Wrestling, is no longer in business. The group had promise because it employed such stars as … well, I don't know all of the specifics, but that's irrelevant at this point. This was seen as a major blow to independent wrestlers everywhere, because the only other indy fed left in the USA is Ring Of Horror. And maybe the one that Jim Coronet runs for Vince.
Is Randy 'Matzoh Man' Savage headed back to NWA T and A to fight Double Jeff Jarrod at their next `real' pay-per-view? Possibly!!!
For months now, some supernatural magician has been showing his tricks at the end of matches involving The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain. Who's behind this? I have no idea. Readers?
If there's anyone who knows anything about dealing with fakes on the Internet, it's yours truly. So it gives me great pleasure to publish this EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview I recently had with Tammy Sitch!!!
I hadn't heard much about her since she left the WWF, but I'm sure things have never been better for this sexy young fox. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript. You may not republish any of this transcript, unless you are Chrissy Hyatte, because I figure the guy needs all the help he can get right now:
CB: Hi, is this Tammy Sitch? TS: Uh… yeah. Who is this? CB: Canadian Bulldog from Inside The Ropes, the column that's often likened to Jab Tennessee Lung's Obese Angle, only with more 'street cred'. TS: You're some guy on the Internet? CB: Thanks for the compliment. TS: How the hell did you get my phone number? CB: Actually, it was on the wall in the men's room. I thought for sure it was a hoax, like that time someone wrote down the cellphone number of Brittany Spares, but this time, it wasn't an old man after all!!! TS: What the (censored by legal department) do you want? CB: Question number one: Who did you manage back in your wrestling days? TS: Wait… wait a second… you're calling me! Do you even know who the hell I am? CB: Well of course I do, don't be ridiculous. TS: Then what was my name in the WWF? CB: Weren't you the original Leeta? TS: JESU(censored by legal department for a very long while)CK!!! Don't you remember Sunny? CB: That guy who managed all the Chinese wrestlers and carried a camera around? TS: NOT SONNY OONO!! SUNNY! CB: Oh, I remember you now. You used to manage that short little guy who was on steroids… Slip or Blip or somebody… whatever happened to him? TS: You can't be serious! CB: You'd be surprised at how often I get asked that. Question number two: Would you ever pose naked, like all of the other divas have? TS: But… don't you… Uh, yes. Yes I would. CB: Wow! Score one for the Notorious D.O.G.!!! Can't wait to see those hot pix!!! TS: (Belches) CB: Question number three: Are you headed back to the WWE, or what? TS: No. I recently retired. CB: GET OUT OF HERE!!! TS: No, I'm serious. It was all over the Internet. Didn't you read that? CB: Hey, if it's not on pwinsider.com, hon, it's not worth my time. TS: Do you have any serious questions, or can I hang up the (censored by legal department) phone? CB: Question number four: Why does everyone call you fat and strung out on crack? TS: Geez… Look, don't make me wake up Chris to threaten you… CB: YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH JERICHO? OH MY… I THOUGHT HE WAS AN ITEM WITH TRITCH STRATUS? TS: Well, now you know the real story. Look, I'd love to stay and chat, but it's almost noon and I've been awake for more than an hour now. (hangs up) CB: Wow, thanks for the interview. Just wait until I tell Brittany all about THIS!
If you know of anyone that you're DYING for me to interview, drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. Operators are standing by!!!
Finally, let's jump to a little Q & A, shall we?
Q: Do you know about the hidden Easter Eggs on the Ric Flair DVD? A: NO, I DIDN'T!!! I just bought a copy right now, and I've got to be honest with you, I can't find them. I've turned the package inside out, and all I see is three discs. No eggs whatsoever. Don't feel embarrassed or anything, but I think someone was `working' you. I mean, how could they fit easter eggs into this slim little box? And… it's not even Easter yet!
Q: What can you tell me about The Gobbledly Gooker? A: Lots.
Q: Who would win in a shootfight between you and Stone Cold? A: Actually, it's funny you mention that, because there's a poll going on at the official Inside The Ropes Website right now about that very topic. And obviously, I'm the one coming out on top.
Q: HI CANADIAN! IT'S ME. YOUR FRIEND. JUST FOUND THE BEST PRICE FOR GENERIC VIAGRA ON THE INTERNET. CLICK BELOW FOR MORE DETAILS. A: Sorry, firstname.lastname@example.org, but you're too late. My friend email@example.com just sent me a similar offer last week. He (or she) also claimed to have the best price, and I had to act fast to take advantage of the bonus offer. Maybe next time…
Q: Are you really a moron, or is it just a gimmick? A: Thanks for the compliment!!!
That's about it for this week. Remember, if you have any questions, compliments, compliments, or compliments for me (or just want to pay me a compliment), you can reach me at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. Until next time, remember: If you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.