"Luke… I am your father. Woooh! Yeahhhh! Bloody luv'ly tell yer mother!" -- Butchwhacker Luke's Father, 1950's.
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the leading authority on Something or Other.
In the true spirit of Tattoo Thursday -- the PPV where YOU, the fans vote on a very narrow set of circumstances™ -- why not vote for this latest poll on the official Inside The Ropes website:
Who will challenge Triple HHH at Tattoo Thursday? (A) Christopher Lewinski (B) Rodney Max (C) ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON! (D) Does It Really Even Fucking Matter? (E) Yes
And now, onto the news…
An Open Letter To HI-DAN-RIKE
Canadian Bulldog here, Mr. HI-DAN-RIKE, Please don't pretend like you don't know me! I read about your antics on the Internet, Then watch them, in shame, on the TV.
I'm writing today to save you, To make sure you don't meet your maker I've got a plan to save you from being murdered By The Old-School Ordertaker.
Why did you try to kill him with your car? You had to know that he wouldn’t sell it. 'Taker could have been booked in the Civil War And still alive today to tell it.
There's a pattern following all of the people Who have tried to murder The Dead Guy Yozokuna attempted it in '93; now he's dead, Same deal with Bad Boss Man -- buh bye!
So HI-DAN-RIKE, do you really want to end up like those guys Dead, without even a chance to pout? If not, then make like Nathan Jones and Brock Lesnor, And please, sir, just get the F out!!!
That was a poem by Canadian Bulldog.
My top sources tell me that The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain is DEFINITELY leaving World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Partnership LLC. Why? Because largish jobber Jean Shnitsky has put a strain on his marriage to The Returning and Formerly Pregnant Leeta, and his doctor has ordered him to spend 3 weeks in beautiful, sunny, Acupulco, Mexico!!!
Welllllll, it's The Bald Show: How did everyone's favorite Fat Giant The Best Show lose all of his hair all of sudden? Well, no one knows for certain, but according to sources familiar with the situation, it's simply a case of Male Pattern Baldness.
Vince Rousseau, the creative mastermind behind NWA T and A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass) has QUIT the company!!! Only he won't REALLY quit because it's just a SHOCKING SWERVE!!! He will resurface the company's first-ever paper-view event Victoria Road next month during the Double Jeff Jarrod vs. Jeff Hardee's vs. Rayvin vs. Murphy Brown main event!!! And he'll tell everyone that he's found Jesus!!! Only it's not the REAL Jesus, it's just Jesus Castillo, the ex-member of Los Borequias with the Hairy Back!!! And he'll start feuding with The Sinister Mister!!!
It was nothing short of HEARTWARMING this week to see Mean Eugene involved in a promo with his real life fiancée Diva Girl Kristy this week on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw. Will this become the biggest story of the year? BANK ON IT!!!
Does anyone out there actually BELIEVE Billy The Kid-Sized Man when he says he's sorry for "accidentally" landing his Shooting Star Splash on Paul England?
There's a newcomer to the WWE who promises to make the biggest splash this side of Charlita Caribbean Cruel. If you haven't seen him yet, stupid, it's because he's making CAMEO APPEARANCES on WWE infomercials!!! His name is Dean Simon, and recently, I caught up to the sexy newcomer. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:
DS: Hello, Dean Simon here. CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Now, my first question is, when you call people 'fat pieces of shit,' are you referring to just wrestlers? DS: EXCUSE ME? CB: Sorry… "sports entertainers." DS: WHO IS THIS? CB: Canadian Bulldog. DS: Should I know who you are? CB: Don't pretend like you don't. DS: Look, I'm quite busy right now. You need to make an appointment to see me. Please contact my assistant. CB: Assistant? Oh, aren't we quite the big shot? DS: I'm sorry? CB: No need to apologize. I just have a few questions for you, and then you can get back to hawking your Simpson System. DS: Very well. How can I help you? CB: Why do you wear that skintight spandex all the time? DS: What… what… WHAT did you just say? CB: YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT I SAID, BUDDY!!! DS: (Quietly) Lou? Is that you? CB: Don't try to change the subject!!! DS: How… how did you find out I moved here? CB: Three simple words: Pwinsider.com, Elite Member!!! DS: (Nervous) Now, you promised you wouldn't tell anyone about us. That was a long time ago… CB: I did? DS: Oh, I get it! Extortion, is that the name of your game? CB: I… guess… so… DS: (Sighs) How much do you want? CB: How… much… do you have? DS: Look, I'll send you a check for $10,000. But after that, you have to play dumb. CB: Play dumb? OMFG, that's the part I was BORN TO PLAY!!! DS: Very well. Is there anything else I can do for you? CB: Yes. DS: Okay. What? CB: This interview… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up).
On a completely unrelated note, I received a letter today denying me enrollment into law school!!! Even though I never even applied!!! Anyways, if there's anyone who you're DYING for me to interview, drop me a line at the usual place.
Now it's time for a little something I like to call
Letters From A Nut
Unfortunately, the concept I have for a massive, revolutionary LFAN III isn't going as well as planned. That's not to say it won't happen, but probably not anytime soon. In the meantime, if you have ANY wrestler e-mails you can spare, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE send them to firstname.lastname@example.org. Thank you.
Dear Wild Chris Harris,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We wrestled once, Tennessee area. You went over.
My question: We are holding a "Canadian Legends Reunion" in December (Toronto area), and we very much want you to attend. Confirmed so far are "Superstar" Jeb Lund, Matt "The Gnat" Hocking and "Web Master" Rick Scherer.
Here's where you'd fit in: during Scherer's lifetime achievement presentation, you would run in with a foreign object (sorry, "international" object) and knock him silly. Then you'd declare a USA vs. Canada war, which coincides quite nicely with the current storylines in NWA T and A.
What do you think? Are you in? An event this big would definitely make the Canadian National News that night.
Let me know ASAP (our second choice is The Patriot - NO THANKS!).
Peace out, Canadian Bulldog
Reply: I would love to come in for you. Give me some details and we can go from there. Cat
Dear Wild Cat,
Thanks for expressing interest in this project.
Here is how the operative would work. On the evening of November 14th, you will receive a call from one of my representatives. He will make arrangements to deliver a package to a mutually-agreed upon location. The package will include one (1) first-class ticket to Toronto and further information under a dossier entitled "Operation Ambush".
You will arrive in Toronto on the afternoon of December 19th. For various reasons, you will be dispatched to the Island Airport as opposed to our International Airport. An associate of mine who will go under the name Mr. Cory Harris, will meet you there.
Once in Toronto, you will not have to make ANY arrangements. It will all be taken care of by my people. You will be escorted to your hotel in our (unmarked) van and will stay there until the appearance at approximately 8:35 that evening. Another car, different from the first one, will pick you up in the hotel parking lot and escort you to the arena.
You will remain inside the vehicle until Mr. Smith (who will NOT be using that name) gives you the go-ahead to enter the arena through a guarded entrance. You will be led to the arena, make your run in, cut a quick promo on the Canada vs. USA operative, blade, and then leave. At no time will you look directly behind you. A different associate will escort you back to the hotel, or possibly the airport.
Full instructions will be included in the dossier. Straying from the plan can NOT be tolerated, for legal reasons. You also may be required to sign a disclaimer feigning no previous knowledge of The Bulldog Group.
Thanks -- we can't wait to see you at the big event! Canadian Bulldog
P.S. Would you be willing to wear a T-Shirt advertising our event at one of the NWA T and A PPV's? Thanks!!!
Reply: You've lost your damn mind, bro!!!
Dear Wild Harris,
Have I lost my mind? Or is it more a concern about security?
I don't know if you've ever been to Toronto before, but the marks here can get INSANE about their favorite wrestlers! You've probably heard what happened at SummerSlam. Then they all followed JBL in his car, calling him a bigot, and hounded him in the hotel until he left town. We're just trying to shelter you from that.
Trust me, when we brought in King Kong Bundy last year for a similar event, he was extremely happy that we had such measures in place. Also the hot dogs.
However, if you are unhappy with these arrangements, please let me know so I can contact Johnny ITR, our director of authority.
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
That about does it for this week. Remember, if you have questions, comments or unjustified concerns for me, please write me at email@example.com. Until next time, remember, if you heard it here first, it’s… Inside The Ropes.
OK... what did everyone think of my Critical Analysis column that I submitted? Good, bad? What do you agree with, what do you disagree with?
(takes a few deep breaths and prepares myself for a tidal wave of negative backlash)...