"What's mine is mine, and what's yours is also yours. Tee hee hee!" -- Repair Man, 1992
Hello, everyone. Welcome to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and we're going to try something a little different this week.
You see, I've been working feverishly on my brand new website, which will debut in couple of weeks (note to webmaster ZRC: do you mind if I use your site as my link in the meantime? Thanks!!!).
So while I'm doing all that, I decided to answer the millions (and millions) of questions in the old virtual mailbox. Thus, the title of this week's column – Special Q & A Edition!!!
(Oops… sorry for the typo up top there. My typewriter is all out of correction ribbon, or else I'd fix it.)
I also thought I'd bring you another one of my world-famous cartoons, seeing as how last week's installment was BANNED by Canadian customs officials!!! As soon as that one clears immigration, I'll pass it along. In the meantime, here's my latest offering:
Now to the T and A Q and A section of this week's column!!! I figure this ITR will be kind of be like this century's version of The Rick Says, with a pinch of Scott Keeth's Feedbag, Chrissy Hyatte's Guide To Life For Stupid Jerks, and Sean McMichael's Advice To The Lovelorn thrown in for good measure.
Remember, if you have any questions to ask The Notorious D.O.G. –- now's the time!!!
Okay, time's up.
Q: What can you tell me about Faarooq of The APA? A: Thanks for the compliment. Accordin…
Q: …and DON'T copy and paste stuff off of wwe.com. Anyone can do that! A: Okay, then. Faarooq was born Faarooq Asad many years ago in Baskin-Robbins, Georgia. He became something of a local football hero growing up, scoring four touchdowns – not in one season, but in one game!!! He then changed his name to Rob Simmons and went to work for WCW, where he was managed by T.D. Long as one-third of the championship team Doon (which actually was the precursor to a young Legion of Doon)!!! Rob won the world title in WCW, defeating The Man They Liked To Call Vadar, but then the WWF (now WWE)'s Sonny signed him to a contract, so he had to jump ship. Rob changed his name to Faarooq Maivia and immediately formed The Nation of Cooperation along with PG-13, NC-17 and R. He was soon convinced by his good friend and life partner Breadshaw to form a satanic tag team that was known as The Acquelytes Protection Association. Which brings us up to present day.
Q: Actually, maybe you should just cut and paste. A: Thanks for the compliment!!!
Q: What are your thoughts on the losses this past week of Stu Hart and Road Warrior Hawk? A: Well, where can one start? You… wait just A FREAKING MINUTE!!! HAWK IS DEAD TOO?!? Geez, what a tragic week for the team from the mean streets of Boston who dined on danger and snacked on donuts!!! It's not fair… oops! My bad. I thought Road Warrior Aminal was the one who died. Guess I got confused because they have the same first name ("Road"). Sorry about that. But on to your question: it HAS been a tragic year for our brothers and sisters in the squared circle. From the Federation Years era, we saw "Classy" Freddy "Blassie", The Original Iron Sheik and Mrs. Elizabeth Macho (Elizabeth Hewlett) go get their big manager's license in the sky. From the Attitude era, you saw Road Warrior Hog, Curt Perfect and One of The Pitbulls holding on to that big tag rope in the sky. And from the Now era, there was Al Watson, marrying that big Don Marie in the sky. Sad, sad, sad.
Q: Do you think it made sense for them to put the U.S. title on Big Show at No Mercy? A: Yes.
Q: What do you think are the most effective finishing maneuvers today? A: In no particular order – I like the move where RDV does that jumping-thingy, and also Triple HHH's Pedigree To Orton. Coming in as a close third would be John Ceno's Fuck You.
Q: I keep hearing about some incident in 1997 where Vince McMahon screwed Bret Hart. What can you tell me about that? A: Oh, here we go again… First of all, it happened in '96, not '97, contrary to popular belief. It seems that Brad Hart was doing an Anti-American gimmick at the time, and somehow ended up on the new order's recruiting list, so he was forced to jump ship to WCW. Hart was happy to lose the strap in Montreal, but not anywhere else. So that forced Vince MacMcMahon to change the venue of Survivor to Minnesota. Hart also refused to fight The Heartbeat Kid for the big gold strap, which prompted MacMcMacMcMahon to tell The Hatman that wrestling was actually scripted (!!!) and that they would do a shnoz so that McMichaels would win the title. Then, in the actual match, MacMcMacMcMacMcMacMahon changed the stipulation to 'Falls Count Anywhere' and named himself the special ring announcer for the event. Then Brad spit on his boss (!!!) and lost his footing, and fell prey to his OWN end move, the Scrapshooter!!! And that, my friend, was what has gone down in history to be known as The Minnesota Snowjob. Vince has said in interviews before that "Vince MacMahon didn't screw Brad Hart. Vince MacMahon screwed Brad Hart!"
Q: Dear Canadian Bulldo, Yes it's true! 2 Free Round Trip Airline Tickets, good for worldwide travel. Simply join the Travel Value Alerts Club for a one time fee of $189. Don't miss this offer, ticket availability is extremely limited. A: Thanks for the compliment, kgfircofycm@admail_specials72.net. But really, I asked for wrestling-related questions only. (P.S., please send me a brochure. My credit card # should be on your file already.)
Q: Who are your favorite heels of all time? A: It's a hard question to answer, but if I had to choose, I would say the heels of none other than The Undisputed WWE World Champion Bill Goldenberg. Those short boots he wears leave little to the imagination. You can tell his heels are lean and muscular, just like the rest of him. He's one guy I wouldn't mind 'receiving the spear' from, if you know what I mean. Rrroowwll!!!
Q: What did you think of Rocky's latest movie? A: It was probably the best movie EVER, in this broadcast journalist's humble opinion. The dialogue, the fight scenes, the drama – I loved it all. I'm really surprised it didn't receive more critical acclaim, but you know how film critics can be. It was also nice to see Stallone give his son some screen time in this one, even if he was overshadowed by the Tommy 'Don't Call Me Billy' Gunn character.
Q: You said in an earlier column that there were two people who played Ultimate Warrior. That's just not true. A: Yes there were.
Q: Uh… no. No there weren't. A: Actually, you're wrong. There were. Sorry.
Q: I'm not wrong! I know what I'm talking about. You're just an idiot! A: Okay, let me give you a bit of background here: You're wrong. I'm right.
Q: WHAT THE FU… A: Let's leave it at that. Thanks for the… yada yada. Moving right along…
Q: What, exactly, is the MSG incident? A: A couple of years ago, there was a steel cage match involving the five members of The Click -- HBKid, Hunter Helms-Hearstley, Ex-Pack, Big Ass Barry Gun and Roadog Jamie James. At the end of the match, they told the audience that wrestling was FAKE and that the fans were a bunch of 12-year old kids who used their parent's computers!!! Then Rikishi Phatu And Your Mother Too ran to the ring and 'cleaned house'. It was the greatest match EVER!!!
Q: Canadian Bulldog, your column is the best thing ever to hit Online Onslaught. You seem to reference a lot of older wrestling magazines like Wrestling Eye and Pro Wrestling Illustrated. Don't you think they're a dying breed? A: No way!!! I still subscribe to all of those mags. Some of them, such as Wrestling's Greatest Heroes and Villians don't show up every month anymore, but I still send in good money because I don't want to miss a minute of the action. Those "dying piece of crap magazines" as you refer to them, once gave a young Bulldog hours of enjoyment and pro wrestling scoops. For example, who would have known about Dutch Martel's Secret Plot To Destroy Jerry Lawyer if not for the October 1990 edition of Sports Review Wrestling (Cover story: 10 Reasons Why The York Foundation Will Buy WCW!)?
Q: THERE WAS ONLY ONE FU(censored by OOO's legal department)ING ULTIMATE WARRIOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A: Sure there was. And I suppose you're going to tell me there was only voice for the 'Chucky' character on My Pet Monster?
Q: I'm looking for a bit of background on Faarooq. What can you tell me about him? A: According to his official website, Faarooq is "one of the most physically dominant Superstars to ever set foot in the ring and he is clearly a future star in this industry. During his brief career, FAAROOK has occupied many different prominent roles in WWE. He entered the fray as a hired gun in 1998 for Mr. McMahon’s Corporation, but quickly his looks led to unique relationships with many of WWE’s hottest Divas. After the breakup of the Corporation, FAAROOK forged a partnership with Stephanie McMahon that would have led to marriage, had it not been for Triple H and his secret partnership with Stephanie. A short time later, WWE Diva Trish Stratus “discovered” TesFAAROOK and partnered him with Albert to form a successful tag team known as T&AQ&A F & A. After that run, FAAROOK embarked on a singles career that included an Intercontinental and Hardcore Championship reign. He also enjoyed a relationship with Diva Stacy Keibler, during which FAAROOK’s questionable treatment of the young Keibler solidified his role as one the fans loved to hate.
That about does it this week. Back next week with the regular helping of news, rumors and gossip that you've come to expect from ITR. And hopefully you'll be able to see my brand new website by then as well.
Make sure to send me any comments, feedback or constructive criticism to Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… INSIDE THE ROPES!!!
An EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview with the one and only DPP!!! A brand new cartoon!!! All this and more in the latest version of Inside The Ropes!!!
Originally posted by CANADIAN BULLDOG Q: Who are your favorite heels of all time? A: It's a hard question to answer, but if I had to choose, I would say the heels of none other than The Undisputed WWE World Champion Bill Goldenberg. Those short boots he wears leave little to the imagination. You can tell his heels are lean and muscular, just like the rest of him. He's one guy I wouldn't mind 'receiving the spear' from, if you know what I mean. Rrroowwll!!!
That is so funny. But, um, you DO realize that his boots cover his heels, right?
Four Letters That Scar: N R B W One Main Event. Two Wrestlers: Evil Ninja vs. the Arsenal Four Letters: N R B W No Rope Barbed Wire. It is a match so dangerous, an environment so hellish, that even we hesitate to do it.