"If ya smelllll-alalalalalalala-alalalalalalalalala-alalalalalalalalallalalalala-low… what the hell I'm cookin'!" -- Rocky Maivia, numerous occasions.
Welcome to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, the only column where we can make the bold promise of "satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!" (let's see Jab Tennessee Lung make that vow with his Obese Angle column!!!). I'm Canadian Bulldog. We've got a ton to get to this week, but first this:
An open letter to Scott Keeth, I prayed that I wouldn't have to do this again after last time, but Scott, you've left me no choice. You are, without a doubt, the Internet's Greatest Treasure™, and no one in their right mind would ever dispute that. Hell, I've even pre-ordered your newest book, just like you begged me to. But now… you've decided to stop reviewing Smack! Down shows? Why? Is it because you're lazy, or is it because you're JEALOUS of the incredible show that roster puts on week after week? I mean, you may not give Big Ass Billy Gun Vs. Johnny The Boar one of your patented ****** ratings, but it doesn't mean the rest of us don't!!! Do you realize that, if you boycott the show, Vince MacMahon himself will probably "pull the plug" on the program, which will obviously put folks like Robbie Dupree, Don Marie and Hurricane Helmsley out of work. Is that what you want, Scott? Is it?!? So Scott, no disrespect intended, but I say… screw you, asshole, and go straight to fucking hell. Peace, out, B-DAWG
And now, onto the news…
Can you believe its actually been five years since Oren Hurt died? There are so many memories that come to mind: Oren's so-so wrestling ability, his total lack of charisma, his whiny family, etc.
Those of us who remember the scene, remember it well: Oren was sitting on the roof of the Jack Kemp Arena in Kansas City, Kansas, dressed up as a giant bird, preparing to ambush The Goldfather from 2,000 feet above. Then, someone pushed him (probably that bastard Triple HHH) and the rest, as they say, is history.
"This is not part of the entertainment portion of this program," Good Old JR Ewing quipped at the time. "This is as real as real can get. Coming up next… a skit involving Val Venus and Deborah MacMichaels making out in the closet."
"Woo hoo! Puppies, JR!" was the response from Jerry "The King" Lawyer.
Speaking of which… this past week on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, Vince MacMahon announced that he was starting a $25 million Raw Diva Search, in which one woman will be voted out of the arena each week, unless they win an immunity challenge. Expect Terri Reynolds (the ex-wife of Goal Dust and Dustey Roads, for those who don't remember) to win the whole damn thing, and then refuse the money because "it's all a work". Bank on it!!!
What the hell is this question that Kain asked The Returning Leeta recently? Why can't she just talk about it? And how does it affect Mike Hardy Version 3.0 For Windows??
It looks as though everyone's favorite minor league wrestling program, NWA T and A, will have its own television show on Some Channel, debuting Shortly. Finally, a chance for guys on the roster like D-Von Brown, Rayvin, "Disco Stu" Glenn Gabernettey and Double Jeff Jarrod to shine on a national stage.
Is it just me, or does Disco Dancin' Victoria have the best theme song EVER? Okay, perhaps besides the one that Uncle Crapper wrote for Ex-Factor a few years ago…
The WWE's next paper-view spectacular, Johnny B. Badd Blood, is just around the corner, and here's a preliminary finalized list of all the matches that will happen: · Chris Benwah and The Eugenius Vs. Lord William Royal and The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain · Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho Vs. Mike Tyson Tomko · Sheldon Benjamin Vs. Triple HHH, Part Four · "Lund Killer" Randy Orson and Deacon Bautista Vs. Crippler Chris Benwah and The Edge 102.1 FM. · Shawn McMichaels Vs. Garrison Cake · Takajiri Vs. No One In Particular · Natural Boy Ricky Flare Vs. Maybe Benwah
Recently, my good, close personal friend firstname.lastname@example.org attended a house show in Anytown, USA. Because I didn't see it anywhere else on the Internet, I figure the other net "jerks" must not have any correspondents in Anytown. SCOOP!, as my trusty apprentice Johnny ITR might say if he was still alive today (he is). So here, without further ado, are the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED results:
I was recently at the Smack! Down house show at the Anytown Civic and Convention Center and here's what went down. The arena was only half full, so the WWE put paper mache mannequins in the empty seats so it would look like the crowd was full.
The first match was supposed to be The Full Bodied Italians against Billy The Kid-Sized Man and Paul Scotland, but then Rabbi Mordechai ran in and choked everyone out with his tallis and yarmulke. And it was the best match EVER!!!
Next up was a "grudge" match between Hardwood Holly and That Punk Kid From Tuff Enuff. At the starting, Hardwood took the mic and yelled "I already beat you and put you in the hospital twice. What will it take to keep you down?". And then the Tuff Enuff punk said "You'll have to kill me first"!!! And then Holly said "Okay" and shot him in the head with a rifle!!! And then the punk kid died!!! And then Holly said "How do ya like me now, bitch?"!!!
Then they had a 10-bell salute to the punk kid, and Mordechai volunteered to sit shivah. What a nice boy.
It was time for the Little Heavyweight title match next, as Chavo Cola Classic took on his son Chavita Guerrera Senior. Chavita won the title back, and then he screamed "Finally, the belt is mine again! No more women or senior citizens to put over!". But then, Jimmy The Squirrel came out from hiding in his tree and challenged the champion, and Chavita had no choice but to accept. And guess what folks – we now have the first-ever RODENT champion in WWE history!"
(Bulldog's Note: Don't be stupid. If the match didn't happen on television, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!!! They were probably just checking to see if the squirrel was over with the crowd.)
The next match was supposed to be Rapmaster Jim Cena against Robbie Dupree. But then the ring announcer said Cena wouldn't be their tonight because he died (or couldn't find the arena; I don't remember). So Dupree got in the ring with Fifi The French Bitch and said "Thank goodness we don't have to hear Cena on the mic!". But THEN his substitute opponent came out to the ring, and it was none other than Nickelai Volkov!!! And HE got on the mic and sang the Russian national anthem:
"Ahh ya sayo-sayo, mikol vun ehsd doskon.. hee-loo sayn ya kav. Mish koll…"
And then he got ambushed by Dupree and lost the match in 14 seconds.
Then Bookie T came to the ring, only he wasn't dressed like himself, he was dressed up like Poppa Shanko!!! With the skull full of smoke and everything!!! Then The Ordertaker came to the ring and stuffed him in a coffin. It was the best non-match EVER!!!
It was time for a Fatalic Four Way tag team match next with The World's Gayest Tag Team defending against The Dudley Brotherz, Ray Mistereo and RDV, and Whoever The Fuck Else Is On The Roster. TWGTT won when Ricola and Charlie Horse started "accidentally" having sex with each other, and all the other competitors fainted because they were so disgusted!!!
Finally, the main event of the evening was Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera against Justin 'Mr. JL' Breadshaw, held under Anytown Streetfight Rules!!! But the match never started because Smack! Down Co-Commissioner Kur Tangle came to the ring and said: "Eddie isn't going to be here tonight, oh, it's true, it's dang true. You see, Mr. Guerrera has a real problem and it's time that Breadshaw and I exposed it. He's an ALCOHOLIC! A FREAKING ALCOHOLIC! OH, ITS TRUE!"
And then, at that point, Eddie came to the ring is his slow-rider and attacked his foes. Then he passed out because he had too much to drink (he's an alcoholic, REMEMBER?). Then Howard Fink thanked us all for coming to the show.
Thanks for the awesome house show report, hgjdogrsdwigde!!!
Finally, let's open The Dog Pound, your only opportunity in the world to publish your thoughts on the Internet! We'll start with a series of questions from some Annoying Jerk:
Q: My first question : In your opinion who is the best worker out of these wrestlers: Chris Jericho, Bret Hart, Kurt Angle, Shawn Michaels, Eddie Guerrero, Ric Flair, Owen Hart, Triple H, Steve Austin, and Chris Benoit. Could you list them from least to greatest and by each name give an explanation for how they compare to the others and why they are on the position of the list that they are on. A: No, I can't list them. Thanks for the compliment.
Q: My second question: In your opinion out of the wrestlers above listed who do you think is the best at carrying broomsticks to 4 star matches or higher? Could you make a 2nd list on this subject similar to the 1st one; that is list them from least to greatest and explain in great detail why you put them at that position on the list. A: I have attached an extensive list, detailing exactly what you've asked me for. If it doesn't appear in this column, it's because webmaster ZRC pulled it for "space limitations."
Q: Who do you think out of these wrestlers is the best all-arounder in wrestling (psychology, selling, bumbing ability, mic work, working different wrestling styles,etc.) Could you list from least to greatest and explain in great detail why they are there on that list. A: Who out of WHICH wrestlers? Give me something to work with here. Dumbass.
Q: So that is 3 different lists : The first one is worker, the second one is carrying ability, the third one is all-arounder. I hope these three lists with explanations in great detail are not too much. I hope you don't get mad at me for asking. A: I am mad. VERY mad. Thanks for ruining my day, dumbass! Also, thanks for the compliment!!!
That about does it for this week. I'll be back next, same Bulldog time, same Bulldog channel, with lots more news, gossip and unintentional irony. I may even be picking a fight with a MAJOR wrestling journalist, so stay tuned. In the meantime, drop me a line at email@example.com with your inane questions. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
* I'm so Canadian I had to Google that to see what it's from **I was laughing so hard I was hyperventilating. Seriously. ***I don't think I even know Nathan Jones HAD music, but I'll assume that was to the tune of it and nod politely.