Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and HISTORICALLY INACCURATE edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the original prom date choice for Visceria. We've got a crapload of things to get to this week, but first a quick poll:
Who will be the next "Nostalgia Act" WWE brings back?
(A) Nails (B) Double Jeff Jarrod (C) Lou Thez (D) Linda MacMahon (E) Yes
Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website where you will encounter numerous pop-up ads and receive many viruses! And here are the results of last week's RECORD-BREAKING poll, where we had almost 250 votes:
Who is going to get FIRED next?
(A) Linda MacMahon - 27 % (B) Brock Lesnor - 18 % (C) Artie in Catering - 12 % (D) Charlie Hoss' Dead Brother - 24 % (E) Yes - 17 %
And now, onto the news…
The HeartbreakManiacs Explode: You heard it here first, folks. Unless you overheard Coach Man talking about it on Raw. Regardless, expect Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels to turn BAD on Hollywood Hal Kogan during next month's tag team match.
According to the "sheets", HKB is a "backstage politician" who "holds back" young talent. The Hulkstor, meanwhile, wants to do an "angle" where he "does color," but doesn't want to take too many "bumps" when McMichaels "sells" for him without working "stiff." This will lead to a "worked shoot" where they pull a "Broadway" so that neither guy "goes over" in a "swerve" that will "work" all the "smart marks."
What does that mean in English? McMichaels will receive a trophy commemorating "fifteen years of refusing to do jobs"! Then Kogan is going to get a bigger trophy next week, leading McMichaels to say "four years is a long time to be champion"! Then HKB will align himself with Bobby "The Brian" Heenen and rip off Kogan's cross (so he can use it himself)! And it will be the most unoriginal feud ever!
Yo, you can't hear me: According to highly-placed sources, John Ceno will be releasing an album shortly that has many of his spoken-word poems that are known in some circles as "Hip Hop". The CD cover will even have a photo of Ceno's Shitty Belt to scare off both wrestling and music fans! Will this be the best rap album since Mr. T's courageous foray into the genre? BANK ON IT!!!
(Oh, wow -- I'm only a couple of hundred words into the column and I've already used up two of my patented catchphrases. What to do, what to do…)
Thanks for the compliment!!!
(There, that oughta shut the critics up.)
Have you ever wondered what happened to washed-up ECW rejects like Jason Credible, Percy Saturn and Louie Spuccoley? Wonder no longer, as former play-by-play shill Johnny Styles will host a hardcore homecoming of sorts in June. The as-of-yet unnamed event will emanate from the infamous Bowling Hall in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and will probably feature "New" Jack murdering someone.
V-One = V-Whine?: What the HELL is Matt Hardee's problem these days? Maybe you just need to CALM DOWN and focus on the matter at hand -- figuring out a way to get revenge on The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain for marrying/impregnating the love of your life Leeta. Hey: you've still got your health, a great job and a hot woman. Quit complaining!!!
As you all know unless you're DAFT, we are just thirteen-and-a-half minutes away from the latest WWE paper-view spectacular, Blacklash. Instead of presenting my usual EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview, I thought… What Would Rousseau Do?
That's right: I consulted none other than former WWF creative mastermind Vince Rousseau to tell us how HE would have booked the big PPV card. Here we go:
Main Event Deacon Bautista vs. Triple HHH Part VI "Loser Must Wear A Dress" match
"The main problem with this match here is that it ain't realiztic enough. I mean, Triple H has to tell everyone how he's bangin' the boss's daughter, and that he's the one who really callz the shotz. Then he can call out Battister and tell 'im that tonight he's gotta drop the title, which is just a freakin' prop anywayz. Battister lays down for the 1-2-3, and then you book ME to come out there and show HHH that he can't cross the bozz. Then we tear the freaking houze down in a five-ztar match. I go over."
Main Event Hollywood Hal Kogan and Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels vs. Mohachmed Hussein and Osama Arafat Tag Team WAR
"I can relate to what Shawn's goin' through because I, too, was saved by The Lord recently. So instead of lettin' that old, roided-up, primadonna, Hulkstah into the ring, Michaels and me attack him before the match beginz. From there, you have HBK ask… no, wait, BEG me to be his partner. I reluctantly agree, and now the crowd goes freakin' balliztic! Then we use actual missiles and throw them at the two Ay-rabs. How'z THAT for a patriotism angle???"
Main Event Sheldon Benjamin vs. Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho Six Sides of Steel
"At the start of this match, Benjamin's gonna debut his new gimmick -- he's now known as Shelton Benjamin Franklin, the first wrestler/President since Nixon. And Jericho's now gonna do a gimmick where he's a coke addict. The whole idea here is that they're both tryin' to imprezz me so that they can break the freakin' glass ceiling. But then there's a SHOCKING SWERVE~! an' both guys end up suffering internal brain injuries and forget who they are for some reazon."
Main Event "Canadian Crippler" Chris Benwah vs. "Mr. BANK ON IT!!!" ThEdge Respect Match
"There's no way fanz will buy into this match unless you have Copeland talk about his personal demonz. At the outzet of this, you can have him get on the stick an' say "I'm bangin' Leetar, and guess what Benoir? I'm doin' the nasty with your hot wife too!". Then ya bring back Nancy Zullivan and show her givin' head ta Edge while Leetar lookz on approvingly. From there, Benoit breakz kayfabe and sez: "Matt Hardy didn't screw Matt Hardy. I screwed Matt Hardy!". Then ya show Matt and Benoir in the back goin' at it doggy-style… The finish for the match? Who the fuck cares?"
Main Event The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain vs. Visceria Tritch Stratus in a neutral corner
"Finally, a match that writez itself! Ya start off in the back showing Vizzera tryin' to lose weight for hiz big match becauze he's TOO FAT! But he can't loze the weight an' then Jenny Craig comez out and takez his place! And ya have Jenny roll around in mud or somethin' with this Trish chick for a while. Backztage, you can show Kane teachin' Vizzera about the benefitz of a proper diet and good exercize. It'll be the funniest tag team people have even zeen!"
Thanks for the help, Vinnie Ru!!! There are also two bonus matches planned for the big PPV: Watch for Chris Masterpiece to showcase his patented $250,000 Diva Masterlock Challenge, and in tag team action, champions William Royal and Tajerky will take on Whoever.
Let's check in this week with ITR's resident tinseltown correspondent Stu Stone. Here's a little something I like to call:
Hollywood Stu's Gossip Corner
Above: Stu goes one-on-one with The Great One.
Hey, Bulldog. You've probably heard about The Rock's burgeoning movie career, and if you've been reading industry magazines such as Variety, Entertainment Weekly and Cracked, you're no doubt aware that The Great One will be starring with ME in a live-action version of the television series My Pet Monster. I will be reprising my role as Chuckie, while Rock is in the running to play Mr. Hinkle.
But here's what you don't know: The Most Electrifying Man In Sports and Entertainment has his film career mapped out for the entire next year! Here's his schedule:
· May 2005: Rock begins work on Doom, a compelling story based on the life of former WCW tag team champions Butch Reed and Ron Simmons. Rock will play Tony Schiavone calling the action at ringside.
· July 2005: Rock stars in Spy Hunter, yet another videogame-based movie.
· September 2005: Rock begins preproduction on the big-screen adaptations of Elevator Action (as the guy who shoots people through elevator shafts); Tetris (as the second red square from the bottom); and Joust (as the ostrich that the main guy travels on).
· November 2005: Rock plays King Kamelemamemalemahama, the story of a Hawaiian king. Look for Rocky to battle Akebono in a WM21 Diaper Match to promote that.
· January 2006: Moving on to cartoons, Rock will play leading roles in Johnny Bravo, The Smurfs (he is a LOCK to play Gargamel) and Captain Caveman. And of course, the aforementioned My Pet Monster (we are still trying to get Danny DeVito to play Beastur).
· March 2006: I bet you didn't know that there are going to be three more Star Wars movies, did you? It seems as though George Lucas will revive the franchise with Rock playing Chew-threepio, a new breed of Wookie-Droid in Star Wars Episode VII: Jar-Jar Strikes Back.
· May 2006: Rock will reprise his Scorpion King role in a prequel to the prequel he starred in several years ago, this one called The Grandmummy. Watch for it to hit theaters in the spring of Never.
That's about it from La-La Land. I'm outta here, if ya smell… what Hollywood Stu… is cookin'.
Thanks, Stu! And finally, let's hit the old inbox for some Q & A, shall we?
Q: Dear Bulldog, I am concerned about the present whereabouts of future WWE champion, "Mean" Gene Shnitsky "Okerlund." Does this have anything to do with the dwindling women's division, and therefore any babies left to kill? Personally, I've never gotten tired of his on again, off again stalkings of Lita. Do you think Edge may have stepped in to protect his woman, or has Shnitsky finally realized that Lita is no longer pregnant? A: Wait, wait, wait -- who's this "Bulldog" character you're talking about?
Q: HOW ARE YOU TODAY? WITH THIS I AM SEEKING YOUR ASSISTANCE AS A PARTNER/CHANNEL IN A TRANSACTION WORTH 33.8 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS AND SUBSEQUENT INVESTMENTS PARTNERSHIP. YOU SHALL BE PAID A 30% COMMISSION FOR ASSISTING IN THIS REGARD. NOTE THAT THIS PROPOSAL WILL NOT IN ANY WAY INFRINGE ON ANY LOCAL OR INTERNATIONAL FINANCIAL REGULATIONS AND YOUR AREA OF PROFESSION IS OF NO RELEVANCE TO THE SUCCESSFUL CONCLUSION OF THE TRANSACTION. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN RECEIVING THIS FUND IN CASH ON MYBEHALF, PLEASE REPLY ME ALONG WITH YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS FOR FURTHER DETAILS. A: Personally, I think the women's division needs to be rebuilt slowly but surely. You can't have "eye candy" parading around week after week and expect fans to take women's wrestling seriously. The company made some tremendous strides in this area circa 2002 and 2003, but threw it all away because of financial constraints and a lack of creativity.
Q: HOW OLD ARE U - TWELVE?? A: Thanks for the compliment!!!
Well, that about does it from here. If you have any questions, compliments, suggestions or proposals for international financial partnerships, drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
-Quick explanation: I know I started with the Backlash columns a little north of where it's legacy began, but that's mainly because my old recaps of those are still buried on /slash somewhere and my opinion prolly hasn't changed that much.