(Note to webmaster ZRC: As you may have read in the "tabloids", I am going to be away this week on a promotional tour to market my brand new line of EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED merchandise!!! We'll be quite busy peddling the summer line of ITR T-Shirts, lunchboxes and thong bikinis, so, unfortunately, I won't have time to put together my usual column for you.
But don't despair!!! Please find attached one of my renowned "Retro ITR" columns. As luck would have it, I've discovered one that goes back EXACTLY 15 years this week!!! To set the stage for the readers, back then guys like Kur Tangle or The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor were just a glimmer in their mother's eyes (DIFFERENT mothers, you perverts!!!); Steve Austen was still wrestling in his Stoned Cold diapers; and the only NwO people knew about was the crappy federation that The Crockett Brothers ran.
Inside The Ropes Why Brutus The Beefcake Is A LOCK To Become The Next WWF Champion (originally published February 2, 1989)
Welcome, everyone, to the latest edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, especially pumped this week because the first Survivor Series is FINALLY available on Betamax!!! We've got lots to get to this week, so let's hop right to it:
An open letter to Randy "Matzoh Man" Sewage:
Hey Randy, how's it going? Good. Now shut up and listen to me.
Let me fill you in on a little secret: Your so-called "friend", Hal Kogan, is actually doing the nasty with your so-called "manager" Mrs. Elizabeth!!!
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT???
All this time, you were supposed to believe that the three of you were closer than brothers (and sister) in your stable known as The Megalomaniacs. NOT SO!!!
While you were wrestling your matches, Liz was helping your tag team partner "pump up his 24 inch pythons," if you catch my drift! She was helping The Hulkstor "say his prayers," nudge, nudge, wink, wink! She was helping him "take his vitamins," if ya smell what I'm cookin', which I'm sure will become a HUGE catchphrase about ten years from now!!!
All those times you were defending your title against Millionaire Man Teddy Beassey or Akeeme The American Dream, Hal was "injecting her with anabolic steroids," if you see where I'm going with this.
And you just sat there looking like a dummy in your (gorgeous) sequined cape.
So, Randy, whatcha gonna do, BROTHER, when Hal Kogan starts cheating all over YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!! Shaka-laka!
Peace, out, B-Dawg
P.S. It's not just his arms that are the largest in the world. Trust me on this one!!!
And now, onto the news:
Former famous wrestler Ricky The Steamboat made his return to the crappy NWA federation recently and has challenged none other than six-time, six-time, six-time, six-time, six-time world champion "Nature Guy" Ricky Flare. Will their upcoming series of matches stink? BANK ON IT!!!
There's a wild rumor going around that high-flying youngster The Blond Blazer is actually Oren Hurt, the long lost brother of Brad "Hatman" Hurt and Jim "The Advil" Night Hart. However, that hasn't been confirmed, because WWF Superstars of Wrestling announcer Vince MacMahon refuses to comment on the subject.
A hearty congratulations go out to the NEW American Wrestling Alliance heavyweight champion, none other than "Leaping Legend" Lenny Zybsko! The Zybsk, as he's commonly known, won the belt the way it was meant to be – in a 20-man battle royal. The match included such other AWWA luminaries as Sato, Wayne "The A-Train" Bloom, "Mean" Mike Anus and Zman. Hopefully, Zbsysysko will bring some much-needed dignity, prestige and respect to that world title.
Attention video game fanatics: Titanic Sports, the parent company of the WWF, has finally come out with its first video game, and it's a blockbuster!!! You can recreate all of your favorite matches (so long as they involve Hal Kogan, Andrew The French Giant, The Honky Tonky Man, Randy Sewage, Terry "Bam Bam" Bigelow or Teddy Beassey)! You can grab objects from the corner posts that kind of look like crucifixes, fireballs and feet! You can hear the wrestler's theme music (such as "Stand Back" for Andrew The Giant) over and over and over and over and OVER again!
This is definitely the most advanced piece of computer software EVER!!! Hopefully, they'll create a follow-up cartridge for me to use on my Colecovision, but I'm not holding my breath…
If I were the NWA President (uh… not sure what his name is. Ted Turnor, maybe?), I'd be doing everything I could to reinstate the U.S. tag team titles. Think of how many great teams the crappy wrestling promotion has: The Old Midnight Express, The New Midnight Express, The Interim Midnight Express, The Rock n Roll Express, The Rockin at Midnight Express, The Fabulous Firebirds, Kevin Sullivan and Dan Spivey, Ron Simmons and Jack Victory, etc. If those teams don't get their shot, they may have to start competing for the NWA world tag team titles!!!
Cock-A-Doodle-Doo!: The wrestler formerly known as Terry Tailor is in a whole heap of trouble!!! Now that he's left The Heenen Corporation, expect The Little Red Rooster to be targeted by several of the manager's top charges, including The Brooklyn Basher and Hachoo. It looks as though Tailor may have ruffled a few feathers.
Get it? RUFFLED? FEATHERS?? ROOSTER??? HA!!! I kill me!!!
Speaking of Bobby "The Brian", he's done it again. The self-proclaimed "Manager of Champions", has secured the services of veteran tag team "The Enforcer" Erin Anderson and Telly Blanchard. To celebrate this new tandem, I've written a song all about them:
If there's somethin' strange In the tag team ranks Who ya gonna call? (Brain-Busters!) Strike Force is stale, The Glamour Girls are skanks Who ya gonna call? (Brain-Busters!)
I ain't 'fraid a no Brains I ain't 'fraid a no Brains
If you're seein' bad teams Runnin' thru the Fed Who can you call? (Brain-Busters!) When you're sick of Young Stallions, An' want The Bushwhackers dead, Oh, who ya gonna call? (Brain-Busters!)
I ain't 'fraid a no Brains I ain't 'fraid a no Brains
Who ya gonna call? (Brain-Busters!) If you're on your toes, against The Rougeaus Just call (Brain-Busters!)
Mm…if you dare, fight the team of Koko and Frankie B. Ware You better call (Brain-Busters!) Brain-bustin' makes me feel good
I ain't afraid a no Brains Who you gonna call? (Brain-Busters!)
If you're facing Powers of Pain An' you need The Brain I think you better call (Brain-Busters!) Ooh... who you gonna call? (Brain-Busters!) Who you gonna call? (Brain-Busters!) And what if they're away? (The-Bolsheviks!) I can't hear you…(Brain-Busters!) That's because I'm deaf (Brain-Busters!) Louder! (Brain-Busters!) Who you gonna call? (Brain-Busters!) Who you can call? (Brain-Busters!)…(repeat till fade)
Recently, I had the chance to sit down and chat over the telephone with the self-proclaimed "Manager of Champions", The Mouth From The South" Jim E. Hart. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED TRANSCRIPT:
JH: Hello? CB: Hello, hello. Is Cindy in? JH: I'm sorry? Who? CB: NO!!! You're supposed to say "No, she's gone to the Rick Springfield concert." And then I'm supposed to say "Rick Springfield! AAARGH!" JH: Why would I say that? CB: Don't you even remember your OWN hit song, "Eat Your Heart Out, Rick Springsteen"? JH: I can't say that I do… CB: This is Jim E. Hart, right? JH: No, this is Mary Hart. From Entertainment Tonight. CB: Ha, ha! Jim, you kidder, you. Your high-pitched voice fooled me for a second, but then I remembered that you're just a wimp. JH: Uhh…? CB: Enough of the small talk. Question number one: Of your top clients right now, who would win a shoot fight between Dangerous Denny Davis and Greg "The Hacksaw" Valentine? JH: I honestly don't know how to answer that… CB: Fair enough, it's a tough question. Question number two: When will you record the follow-up EP to Outrageous Conduct? JH: I… I… just… CB: I don't get this at all. You're always so talkative at ringside, shouting things through your bullhorn, like "Come on, Hammer, get him, Hammer, come on, baby, you can do it!" And now, you're SILENT! What's the matter, Jim E.? Has President Jack Tunneigh put you under suspension or something? JH: Look, kid. First thing – my name is not Jim, it's Mary. Second, I am quite busy today; I have to go film a segment about Alf doing a guest spot on Night Court. And third, if you don't get off the phone RIGHT NOW, I'm going to sic John Tesh on you. He looks calm on television, but let me assure you, he's one tough sonofabitch! CB: (Gulp) JH: Now you were saying…? CB: (Bigger gulp) Thisinterviewisover (Hangs up)
Finally, let's open things up to a little Q & A, shall we?
Q: What does Gorilla Monsoon mean when he says that a wrestler is attacking his opponent's "external occipital protuberance"? A: Thanks for the compliment. That's just a nice word for saying he's working over his opponent's groin.
Q: Are Flair's days numbered? A: Look at all the top challengers for his strap: Mike Rotundoua. Jimmy "Jim" Garvin. Junk Yard Doug. The Iran Sheik. Kendall Wind 'Em. With a field like that, it would impossible for the "Nature Guy" to hold onto his strap for much longer.
Q: What do you think the main event will be for WrestleMania V? A: Only one match could fit the bill for the big event at Trump Tower, and that would be Hal Kogan and Randy Sewage against Bad Boss Man and Akeeme.
Q: Who is the toughest wrestler around? A: Obviously, stupid, they don't get much tougher than Bad, Bad, Bad News Brown, Baddest Man In The Whole Damn Town. But there could also be an argument made for Outlaw Ron Base, though he certainly hasn't been the same since his head was shaved.
Q: Bulldog, my father's birthday is just around the corner. Any gift suggestions? A: How about this beaut?
That about does it for this week, and probably for the next 14 years or so. Remember, if you have any questions, comments, suggestions or complaints that your official ITR merchandise is flammable, and you're reading this column in the year 2004 or later, drop me an e-mail at email@example.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
6/4/04: One-time, one-time, one-time, one-time, one-time W of the Day!!!
Originally posted by Canadian Bulldog JH: Hello? CB: Hello, hello. Is Cindy in? JH: I'm sorry? Who? CB: NO!!! You're supposed to say "No, she's gone to the Rick Springfield concert." And then I'm supposed to say "Rick Springfield! AAARGH!"
Tremendous...although I thought what came next was him trying to mimic the noise of a phone being slammed.
By the way, congratulations on your entrepreneurial whore efforts
Excellent satire, as usual. I'm home sick today, and that made me feel better (but not enough to go to school). Question: Did you ever finish that Lord of the Ring satire from back in February, or did I just miss it?