(Note to webmaster ZRC: Because I am on vacation this week, visiting beautiful London (Ontario), Paris (Ontario) and Madrid (Ontario), I have enclosed a really old edition of ITR that goes back TEN YEARS AGO THIS WEEK!!! Enjoy.)
---Original release date: July 10, 1994---
"I am the best there is, the best there was, and the best that will ever live. And Vince MacMahon will never screw me." -- Brad Hart
Hello, everyone, welcome to the latest edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and I have lots of news to get to this week before the big O' Jay Sampson trial gets underway. But first, a quick trivia question:
Who are the current WCW Tag Team Champions (World, not U.S.)?:
(a) Cactus Jack Manson & Max Pain (b) Max Pain & Kevin Solomon (c) Ivad Sullivan & Max Pain (d) Jerry Be Bad & Max Pain (e) Lord William Regal & Earl Robbie Eaton & Max Pain (f) Dustin Roads
Answer at the end of this column!!!
Well, color me surprised -- Hulk Hollywood Hogan has "officially" signed on the "dotted line" and will start "working" for "WCW" this month!!! Who would have ever thought that something like this would happen? Besides me, that is.
According to the latest issue of Wrestling Eye (cover story: Vince Going To Jail For Sure Because He's A Steroid Pusher), Hogan will fight Ricky Flare at The Great American Beach later this month. Can Hulk-O-Mania prevail over the scrappy youngster? Probably not!!!
In any event, kudos to WCW announcer Eric Bischov for signing The Hulk. Between this and the recent addition of Spectacular Sherry to the roster, there's no doubt in my mind the company will eventually overtake the WWWF.
Could it be that there are really TWO Under Takers? We all know that the one managed by Millionaire Man Teddy Biase has shown something of a mean streak lately, while the one managed by Paul Burner is more of a gentle soul, trying his best to please the fans and smiling all the time. If they're not careful, the 'Fed could have a situation where the two deadmen show up at the same time, not only hurting the credibility of Biase's Million Dollar Company, but the wrestling business as a whole!!!
Have you guys read The Informer's column in WFF Magazine? In the latest edition, he (or she) hints: The tag team ranks will be shaken up by a 'legion' that will mean certain 'doom' for their opponents. Wonder what they mean by that?
I could be wrong here, but I'd bet good money this `Informant' is really the same writer as magazine editor Vick Venom. That guy is terrific, with his shocking ideas and everything. A wrestling company could do worse than to hire him as their booker!!!
Who's the biggest jerk in this business? Without a doubt, it has to be John The Anvil Night Hart. We all saw the way he chose to side with brother Oren and dump on former Hart Fund partner Brad. Well, shame on you, Advil. What goes around comes around!!!
Recently, I had the chance to conduct an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview with former WCW Tag Team Champion Too Cold Scorpion. Please DO NOT reprint this transcript, unless you're the head writer for WWF Program. I LOVED the recent issue with The Quebeckeners on the cover. Anyways, here's how the interview went down:
CB: Hello. Is this Stun Gun Steve Austin? TCS: Uh…no. CB: Oh, sorry. I meant to say, hello. Is this Scorpion? TCS: Don't you mean 2 Cold Scorpio? CB: Sure. Whatever. TCS: No. No, it's not. CB: Oh, okay. TCS: He'll be back in five… CB: BYE! (Hangs up)
So, close, yet so far away, ladies and gentlemen. It's my personal vow to you that one day, I will finally speak to one of the wrestlers!!!
Up-and-comer Terror Rising is one of the hottest commodities on the WCW roster. I've heard that Terror wields a mean sledgehammer in his spare time, and is reportedly trying to date the daughter of Ted Turnor.
Is anyone else catching a dose of Deesel Fever?
Another guy to watch out for is big, bad Atom Bomb. As a certified, licensed member of his 'Bomb Squad' fan club, I recently watched the big guy lock horns with Kona Crush. If these two guys were ever able to put aside their differences and form a tag team, I'd bet they'd be chronically good!!!
I've got just three words for anyone who thinks that a skinny little guy can't make it into the elite of the World Wide Wrestling Federation: One Two Three Kid!!! He only weighs, what, seventy or eighty pounds, yet he has managed to capture the imagination of the entire world. "The Kid", as Pro Wrestling Illustrated lovingly calls him, once upset Razor Raymond on a episode of Monday Night Live. Now, because of a prematch stipulation, the two have to become BEST FRIENDS FOREVER, even if one of them becomes a raging alcoholic or the other ends up engaged to a shemale!!!
Is Firefighter Chip EVER coming back? Everyone knows he's the glue that held The WCW Special Patriots together…
A lot of regular ITR readers have asked me when I'm going to starting covering the news and gossip around Eastern Championship Wrestling so I decided to check it out for myself, see if all the hype about it is true. And it is!!! From what I saw in this month's Inside Wrestling, it certainly seems like a great little promotion, featuring superstars-in-training such as Saboo, Shane McDouglas and Marty Whipperwreck. I can't wait to see the show live on television, and hopefully they'll get a slot on the local Country and Western Music Station.
Before you know it, the 38th Annual Slammie Awards will be upon us, and leave it up to yours truly to make some bold predictions for this year's big event:
Most Exciting New Character: Bob Speed Plug Holly Most Exciting Superstar: Buffalo Takatatanka Most Evil Foreign Character: Yoko Zuna; Kwang The Evil Ninja (tie) Most Evil Non-Foreign Character: Bamam Bigelou Best Comedy Duo: Doing and Dunk, The Evil Clowns Best PPV or Supercard: Wrestle Mania X-10; House show in Madison, WI (tie) Best PPV or Supercard Match: Double Jeff Jarrod, I 'R' Us, The Headbangers and Someone Else v. Speed Racer, 12.3 Kid, SmokinGuns.com and Someone Else from WrestlingMania Best Celebrity at a PPV or Supercard: Bert Reynolds Best Dressed: Heartburn Kid Sean Michaels Most Exciting New Character: Dirk The Dumper Droesse
Upset of the century: I can't believe it happened, but veteran wrestler Billy Horowitz upset Body Donna on this past weekend's Wrestling Challenge!!! You know, I didn't use to believe it when Gorilla would say that Horowitz could defeat "any given superstar on any day", but now I have to. You better believe that manager Sonny will be on the lookout for revenge!!!
Is Rod Roddy Piper headed back to Hollywood? For the sake of movie lovers everywhere, let's hope so!!! Hot Rodd is probably the best actor out there since Stuart Stone, that kid who does the Kraft Dinner commercials.
This just in: Ich Bein Ein big fan of Das Wonderkind Alan Wright!!! This youngster can not sing and dance, but he can wrestle! Note to Enforcer Erin Anderson: your television title is in SERIOUS jeopardy!!!
Finally, let's open up the mailbag this week, where I'll attempt to answer your most pressing questions:
Q: Uh… how do I put this? Who, exactly, are you writing this column for, this being 1994 and you not being on the Internet yet? A: Thanks for the compliment!!!
Q: Are The Rockers ever going to reunite? They're my favorite tag team! A: Are The Rolling Stone's finished after this latest tour? Will Huey Louis & The Hot Newz continue with their streak of hit songs forever? The answer to those questions, and yours, is… YES!!! OF COURSE The Rocker's will stay together. Mikey Jannetty and Shawn McMichaels are too close as real-life friends not to reunite eventually. Bank on it!!!
Q: I'm just curious, Bulldog. Who are your favorite wrestlers? A: Hmmm… in no particular order: Oren Hart, Raving Rick Rood, Bigg Johnn Studddd, Bryan The Pillman, Kurt Henning, British Bulldog Davey Boy Jones (no relation), Yozokuna, Bobby Duncam Junior, The Renegade, and One Of The Pitbulls.
Q: A question for you: how come when they used to tape Prime Time Wrestling, the bad guy announcers like Bobby Heenan and Mr. Perfect had no problem sitting side-by-side at a table with good guy announcers like Hillbilly Jim and Sean Mooney? Aren't they supposed to be mad at each other? A: Look… it's all a question of money. For them, if they're paid the right amount, they'll sit for an hour and patiently hear their main rivals out, all the while planning a strategy for revenge.
That's it for this week, folks. I'll be back with you soon, hopefully with the good news that my Toronto Blew Jays are on their way to become THREE-TIME World Series Champions!!! If you have any questions, please mail them to: Canadian Bulldog, c/o Toronto, Canada. And remember, if you heard it here, it's… Inside The Ropes!!!
Go back to a time when wrestling DIDN'T SUCK with a special 'retro' edition of Inside The Ropes!!!
Another fine installment, Bulldog. I only wish WCW could have had such talent as Vick Venom writing their stuff.
Sometimes I ask myself why I watch WWE after all the crap it's given me. HLA, necro, HHH, and so on. And then it hits me. That one simple phrase that can be modified and used for anything that gets you down, yet makes you keep coming back.
Every episode has the potential to be the best one ever, and I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it after sitting through this shit.
Originally posted by CANADIAN BULLDOGQ: I'm just curious, Bulldog. Who are your favorite wrestlers? A: Hmmm… in no particular order: Oren Hart, Raving Rick Rood, Bigg Johnn Studddd, Bryan The Pillman, Kurt Henning, British Bulldog Davey Boy Jones (no relation), Yozokuna, Bobby Duncam Junior, The Renegade, and One Of The Pitbulls
I am yet another reader who will give you kudos on your article, Debaser. And after reading it, it made me reflect on why wrestling continues to be entertaining for me, and that's being able to appreciate those workers who bust their butts and enjoy it....