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The W - Guest Columns - Inside The Ropes - Raw Rating Plunges 0.0001 %, WWE Going Out Of Business For Sure
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CANADIAN BULLDOG
Andouille








Since: 5.3.03
From: TORONTO

Since last post: 548 days
Last activity: 547 days
ICQ:  
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.19


"You're always talking about your psalms, your John 3:16. Well, Austin 3:16 says, Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" -- Stoned Cold Steve Austin, In Your House, 1996


Welcome, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and we have tons to get to this week. This latest edition is one of the biggest ones this year, a jumbo-sized issue that's roughly the size of a small book. It has the most detailed stories you'll read anywhere in the industry on the recent deaths of Road Warrior Hog, Stu Art and Rod Roddy Piper.
- We'll also take a look at Hulk Hollywood Hogan's decision to quit NWA T and A and what it means for Vince MacMahon and the wrestling business.
- We've also got the inside scoop on WWE's plans for the No Mercy paper-view; who's expected to win and why, and the ramifications for the industry.
- We'll also relay a funny story surrounding the upcoming Gay Pride Fighting Championships PPV, and what it means for Vince MacMahon and the wrestling business.
- We'll discuss what happened on a recent shopping trip involving Bob Sap and Mirko Crop Cro, and what it means to the industry.
- We'll also look at the movie careers of Rocky Maivia and Triple HHH, where they're going, how they'll get there, who will drive them, and comparisons between and their career choices and those of Ed O'Neill, Robert DeNiro and Stuart Stone. We'll also look at the ramifications it will have for Vince MacMahon and the wrestling industry.

For details and subscription information, please click here.

But before we get to all that, how about a quick trivia question?

Who drove the car that ran over Bill Goldenberg?
(A) Triple HHH
(B) Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash
(C) Randy Orson
(D) Rick Flare
(E) Goldenberg
(F) All of the above

Answer at the end of this column!!!

As you probably know, unless you're stupid, one of the biggest wrestling-related stories took place last week when Triple HHH "tied the knot" with Stephanie MacMahon-Helmsley. Here's what you probably DIDN'T KNOW: the blessed event did NOT go down without a hitch.

Before the ceremony, HHHH's mother-in-law-to-be Lydia MacMahon handed The Game a videotape that explained that Stephanie was PREGNANT – but it wasn't with his child!!! So when the ceremony started, Triple gave his patented Pedigree To Orton to his bride-to-be, and then to his father-in-law-to-be Vince MacMcMacMcMacMahon!!!

THEN… the priest ripped off his mask and it was none other than Eric Bischov, and he said 'I think you've got about THREE MINUTES', and then The Three Man Warning attacked HHHH!!! And then Stoned Cold Steve Austin came out and attacked everyone because he was mentally provoked!!! And it was the best wedding EVER!!!

Thanks to my 'source' totalbs@hotmail.com for all of that top-notch information.

The newest video game, Smack! Down Bring The Pain is set to hit the shelves any month now. As a special treat, yours truly, The Notorious D.O.G., has uncovered an exclusive Screen Shot of the game. Click here to see Randy Savage and Iron Sheik duking it out!!!

Also, I have obtained an EXCLUSIVE 'moves list' (again, from my source totalbs@hotmail.com. Hmm, interesting…)














Smack! Down Moves List
Wrestler Press Move
Torrie Watson Up, L1, Left, Down Jump Off The Top Rope And Miss
Big Sex Killer Up, Up, Up, Down, Down, Down, R2, D2 Headlock
Christopher Lewinksi Up and Down, R1 Side headlock
Homosexual Mark Chocolate Down, R2, Reverse Scream
Y J Stinger Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Up Greco-Roman Hair Pull
Shane MacMahon Down, Around, L2, L3 Jumps Off Tall Building
Mr. Fuji R1, Up, Up, Up, R1, Up Oriental Headlock
Power Button Turns Console On/Off
a TrainLeft, Right, Left, Right, Down Blood



Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, what a crush!!! As mentioned earlier, One of the Road Warriors died last week. With that in mind, I recently had the chance to speak with Animal, the member of L.O.D.D. who is still currently alive. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:

CB: Hello, is this Animal?
A: AN-I-MAL! AN-I-MAL!
CB: Great. This is Canadian Bulldog from Inside The Ropes. How are you today?
A: A HA HA!
CB: Glad to see your spirits are so high. Question number one: how does it feel now that your brother Hawk is dead?
A: BRO-THER! BRO-THER!
CB: My thoughts precisely. Question number two: Do you think you're going to be headed back to the WWE anytime soon?
A: WO-MAN! WO-MAN! A HA HA!
CB: Really? Which woman do you think you'll hook up with? Tritch Stratus, perhaps?
A: AN-I-MAL! AN-I-MAL!
CB: I've heard that as well about her. Question number three: Did you and Road Warrior Hog used to paint each other's faces? Or what?
A: PLAY DRUMS! PLAY DRUMS! A HA HA!!
CB: Er… yeah. This is obviously a difficult time for you right now, so I'll let you go. Thanks for your time.
A: AN-I-MAL! AN-I-MAL!

Statler: There's nothing like a good interview.
Waldorf: You're right. And that was nothing like a good interview.
Both: Ho ho ho ho!

Next week, we have an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview with Chuck Jericho's band Fozzy .

If you happened to watch Smack! Down last week (I didn't), you'd know that Paul Herman was named as the new district manager of the show by Vince! Look for the former ECW President to shake things up!!!

Speaking of which… last week alone, Herman fired The World's Greatest Goddam Tag Team and re-hired Scotty The Hotty. Only time will tell what he'll do next.

Speaking of which… I've got to say that they ought to rename the tag team division TAG TEAM HEAVEN!!! Not only have you got Charlie Horse and Sheldon Benjamin back together, but Eddy and Chavito Guerrera are looking better than ever!!! And don't forget about The Full-Bodied Italians, The AARP and the new World's Greatest Team -- Scott Hotty and Rikishi Phatu And Your Mother Too!!! All of them are hot on the heels of tag champions The Bash 'Em Brothers!!!

Speaking of which… are the legendary Koko Beware and The Berserker planning to put aside their differences and form a tag team? No.

Speaking of which… is there a romance starting up between The Returning Leeta and The Christian? It's hard to say, but if you watched Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw this past week, you might be able to detect something starting up between the two of them. Not sure what Leeta's ex-boyfriend Jeff Hardee will have to say about that.

Finally, let's open the virtual mailbag for a little Q & A. Remember, if you want to send me a question, please don't hesitate to do so at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com, during regular business hours.

Q: Who do you think will be on the Survivor Series teams for the Austin vs. Bischoff match?
A: Thanks for the compliment. We already know that YJ Stinger, Big Poppa Dump and The Christian are one side. They'll probably be joined by Los Resistance and Rodney Max. On the other side, we know Sucker T and Rod Van-Damme have thrown their hat into the ring (not literally!). I'd expect them to be joined by Shawn McMichaels, Goldenberg, Bischov and Dangerous Danny Davis (he ALWAYS manages to get in there somewhere).

Q: Uh…. but what about Goldberg's match with HHH?
A: That will be great.

Q: Where do you think The Ultimate Warrior will make his return to wrestling?
A: If I know The Alllllllllllllll-timate Worrier as well as I think I do, he's probably negotiating to make a big return to the WWE or WCW. Possibly even as soon as this week's Smack! Down. Bank on it!!!

Q: Hulk Hogan didn't quit TNA. He was injured in Japan, and they had to cancel the 3 hour PPV.
A: No. That's not correct.

Q: Have you seen the new Ric Flair DVD yet? Any idea what's on it?
A: According to WrestlingDVDs.com, the tape includes:
· Flare's return to the WWE
· The time he was named Raw General Manager
· The time he lost that job.
· The time he re-formed Revolution.
And also some stuff from his early days, which nobody really cares about.

Q: How did you get a job on this website? You spell EVERY LAST NAME wrong, you give out incorrect weblinks, and your recollection of history is deplorable. You must have a lucky horseshoe up your ass!
A: Thanks for the compliment!!!

That about does it for this week. Remember, if you have any questions, comments, donations or favorite recipes, please email them to Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes!!!




Your questions answered in an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes!!!

------------------------------------------------------------
The official Inside The Ropes archive!!!
Promote this thread!
LotusMegami
Salami








Since: 22.9.03
From: Indiana

Since last post: 3426 days
Last activity: 3426 days
AIM:  
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.70
I would like to see a serious gay angle. I would. Hey - Teddy and Micheal Shane, like, Romeo and, uh, Julian. I apoligize. Whatever is making me hyper has't quite since yesterday.

Impossible wish. WWE would make it silly, and TNA would turn it too dark.



And if you think that its fake try to receive a chokeslam, a sweet chin music or a spear without scream or drop a tear..
Peter The Hegemon
Lap cheong








Since: 11.2.03
From: Hackettstown, NJ

Since last post: 3 days
Last activity: 8 min.
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.01
Ohmigosh, ROFL!! Nothing like pure Muppet goodness to liven up a column. The Meltzer spoof was great and the "Power Button" had me laughing so hard that if I wasn't the only person in the building, people would have been flocking into the room.


Lotus, I'm not sure why that's even in this thread, but frankly the problem with any sort of gay angle on wrestling TV is that the audience seems to end up chanting slurs no matter what you do.
dMr
Andouille








Since: 2.11.02
From: Edinburgh, Scotland

Since last post: 47 days
Last activity: 8 hours
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.75
Damn dude, only about half of those Smackdown moves work. Honestly, if I can't rely on your column to provide me with accurate reliable information, whats left?



CANADIAN BULLDOG
Andouille








Since: 5.3.03
From: TORONTO

Since last post: 548 days
Last activity: 547 days
ICQ:  
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.19
    Originally posted by dMr
    Damn dude, only about half of those Smackdown moves work. Honestly, if I can't rely on your column to provide me with accurate reliable information, whats left?


A-ha! You assume I was talking about the new PlayStation game. I was referring to the Intellevision cartridge. You get it free whenever you order Burger Time.



The read scoop behind the Triple HHH - Stephoney Hearst-Helmsley wedding and an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview with Road Warrior Aminal!!! All this plus an exclusive moves guide for Smack! Down Bring The Pain in the latest Inside The Ropes!!!

------------------------------------------------------------
The official Inside The Ropes archive!!!
dMr
Andouille








Since: 2.11.02
From: Edinburgh, Scotland

Since last post: 47 days
Last activity: 8 hours
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.75
I should have known better than to doubt you

Allow me to apologise and congratulate you on another brilliantly 'informative' column.



ScreamingHeadGuy
Frankfurter








Since: 1.2.02
From: Appleton, WI

Since last post: 751 days
Last activity: 751 days
#7 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.96
    Originally posted by CANADIAN BULLDOG


    "You're always talking about your psalms, your John 3:16. Well, Austin 3:16 says, Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" -- Stoned Cold Steve Austin, In Your House, 1996



Man, that's all a body would need to quote. Once more, good stuff. But why does it take so much longer for you to post your column here than OO?



Fashion Reporter Extraordinare

...as is proper.

Wolfram J. Paulovich
Frankfurter








Since: 11.11.02
From: Fat City, Baby

Since last post: 2959 days
Last activity: 2329 days
AIM:  
#8 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.46
    Originally posted by ScreamingHeadGuy
    But why does it take so much longer for you to post your column here than OO?


It's a first-dibs to Rick thing, giving him the benefit of a few extra hits. I always delayed reprinting my columns here by three days, as a courtesy to him, and Bulldog followed suit. For us, it doesn't seem a detriment, since Bulldog and I tend to deal with more general topics.

Because the Satire is more time-oriented — i.e. the jokes play better if you have RAW fresh in your mind, having just seen it — and because Matt finishes his Satire about 15 hours before Rick updates OO, I don't think it ever crossed anyone's mind to ask Matt to delay it.



The Obtuse Angle Archive.

"I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children."
Peter The Hegemon
Lap cheong








Since: 11.2.03
From: Hackettstown, NJ

Since last post: 3 days
Last activity: 8 min.
#9 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.02
Intellivision rules, man! I used to play that for hours on end. I did manage to download a couple of the games for the PC although some of them didn't work. Someday I'll have to ask someone to get me the whole pack as a present or something.
CANADIAN BULLDOG
Andouille








Since: 5.3.03
From: TORONTO

Since last post: 548 days
Last activity: 547 days
ICQ:  
#10 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.19
    Originally posted by Jeb Tennyson Lund
    It's a first-dibs to Rick thing, giving him the benefit of a few extra hits. I always delayed reprinting my columns here by three days, as a courtesy to him, and Bulldog followed suit.


What he said. Plus, for some weird reason, my attorneys want to be hold back on posting these things myself because of the potential legal ramifications (see the landmark case The People and World Wrestling Entertainment Inc. and TNA Entertainment LLC and NAMBLA v. Canadian Bulldog, 2003). But if no lawsuits pop up after a day or two, it's all good.

Oh, and I'd hardly call a two-day delay `so much longer'. I may start posting stuff to my new website at one point as well, but that's still far off.



The read scoop behind the Triple HHH - Stephoney Hearst-Helmsley wedding and an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview with Road Warrior Aminal!!! All this plus an exclusive moves guide for Smack! Down Bring The Pain in the latest Inside The Ropes!!!

------------------------------------------------------------
The official Inside The Ropes archive!!!
asteroidboy
Andouille








Since: 22.1.02
From: Texas

Since last post: 1432 days
Last activity: 340 days
#11 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.95
CB, I never would have guessed it, but the column has become the funniest thing on the board. The 3:16 intro was fantastic.





-- Asteroid Boy


Wiener of the day: 23.7.02

"My brother saw the Undertaker walking through an airport." - Rex
"Was he no-selling?" - Me


Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 4 hours
Last activity: 4 hours
AIM:  
#12 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.16
    Originally posted by asteroidboy
    CB, I never would have guessed it, but the column has become the funniest thing on the board. The 3:16 intro was fantastic.




HEEL TURN~!

As for the posting thing, it's kind of a three pronged deal.

1: While I do feel brand loyalty to OO and Rick, I did get my start here (well, on Slash anyway) and most of my loyal, long term readership is here. So, consider it a VIP previewing of the Satire.

2: As Jeb said, my jokes are funniest if you remember what really happened on RAW, so it doesn't make much sense for me to throw it up on Thursday when you couldn't care less.

3: It's a matter of convenience really, as I can just mail the Word file to Rick, and then add the HTML in and post it here at the same time, saving me valuable minutes later in the week.



Wisconsin Badgers: 6-3 (A Bye Week means you can't lose.)


Minnesota Vikings: 6-2 (Unless your other team is playing piss poor this week.)
asteroidboy
Andouille








Since: 22.1.02
From: Texas

Since last post: 1432 days
Last activity: 340 days
#13 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.95
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
      Originally posted by asteroidboy
      CB, I never would have guessed it, but the column has become the funniest thing on the board. The 3:16 intro was fantastic.




    HEEL TURN~!



No offense ;)



-- Asteroid Boy


Wiener of the day: 23.7.02

"My brother saw the Undertaker walking through an airport." - Rex
"Was he no-selling?" - Me


Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 4 hours
Last activity: 4 hours
AIM:  
#14 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.16
Nonono...Don't worry about me.

It's not the first time my column has been passed up for one that is younger and sexier. *sniff*



Wisconsin Badgers: 6-3 (A Bye Week means you can't lose.)


Minnesota Vikings: 6-2 (Unless your other team is playing piss poor this week.)
Thread rated: 6.43
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I hate to be picky, but I feel the need to correct a few things on what was a very nice piece about Curt Hennig: 1) Kerry Von Erich didn't end the Perfect Streak. Brutus Beefcake did at Wrestlemania 6. 2)
- cfgb, Parts Unknown... (2002)
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