Inside The Ropes – Random Rumblings From The Man In The Black Resistol Hat
"There's a little black spot on the sun today. Owwwwwww!" – Sting (in concert), 1987
Welcome to another edition of Inside The Ropes, the best wrestling-related column on the Internet EVER, according to "the boys in the back". I'm Canadian Bulldog and I start things off this week on a bit of a pensive note:
As we all know, an important milestone date is upon us this week. No matter how much times passes between commemorations of the event, you can't help but think about `what could have been'.
Sure, it can be sad at times, but you just try to think about the positives that come from this.
So, please everyone, raise a glass and help YOURS TRULY celebrate his 30th birthday on September 12th!!! Thank you all in advance for all of the cards, letters and gifts I'll no doubt be receiving via electronic mail. And if you happen to think about buying me this T-Shirt, well, I happen to take extra large.
One more piece of serious business to take care of before we get to the news and gossip of the week.
An open letter to WWE Champion Brock Lesnor:
Hello, Brock. How are you? I'm doing great, thanks. My two-and-a-half year old is wonderful and is just growing like a weed. We're working on getting him toilet trained. This past summer just flew by, and… but, enough about me. This letter is about YOU, you stupid jerk.
Thus far during your stint in World Wrestling Federation Entertainment Corp., you've made quite the impact. You're a big guy – probably the largest athlete ever to compete in the company. We get the point! Your matches with Best Show are among the finest this business has ever seen. You could probably have any championship belt you wanted. Your agent Paul Herman negotiated a sweet contract for you, no doubt. All the women want to be with you, and all the guys want to be like you. None of that is debatable.
So WHY, Brock, WHY did you have to throw poor little Zack "Don't Call Me Larry" Gowan down an elevator shaft on last week's Smack! Down? Were you worried that Gowan would pull out a `W' over you when you two gladiators finally locked up? Was it because you thought you'd never be WWF champion again? Or did Mr. MacMahon's dirty money finally get to you?
Either way, it's just not right. I think I speak for the millions (and millions) of wrestling fans worldwide including Acclaimed Actor Stuart Stone when I say that was the wrong way to do business, you dumb bastard. We all want to see the return of Good Guy Brock Lesnor, the one who would do anything for his fans, the one who had a smile from ear to ear as he bounced in place. This `real' Brock Lesnor CRAP just doesn't cut it for me, and I suggest you change your ways… STAT.
Fans of The Orlando Jordan Show got a rare treat this week when they tuned in to see YJ Stinger Chuck Jericho on the program. The self-proclaimed 'Ayatollah Khomeini of Rock and Rolla' gave Orlando something of a `scoop': He's expecting his first child shortly. Not sure if they know who the mother is yet, but I'm placing my bets on Stephoney MacMahon, because by my math, the child would have had to be conceived shortly after Steph and Triple HHH broke up. Either that or Terry.
I've got to hand it to my Top Level Source totalbs. The man doesn't stop coming up with big-time news. For the third weekend in a row, WWE traveled abroad (and NO, I'm not talking about Don Marie) for yet ANOTHER international PPV, this time in Israel. We folks here in North America weren't lucky enough to see it, but leave it up to totalbs to deliver the goods.
So without further ado, here are the EXCLUSIVE results of the Israel-only PPV, MitzvahMania: - Barry Horowitz defeated Brooklyn Brawler - Dean Molenko defeated Eddy Guerrera in what Norm DaCosta would call "one hell of a match". - Los Resistance defeated newcomers The Tel Aviv Express by countout after Robbie Dupree accidentally dropped one member off the top of the rafters onto his head. - Ravin defeated Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash in a Hell in a Kibbutz match. - Revolution members Triple HHH and Randy Orson defeated Goldenberg and Moses in a special USA vs Israel match!!!
Dead Man Inc. Walking!!! How come the general public never gives Big Evil The Under Taker his just due? The guy can still keep up with the best of them despite reaching Middle Age. Last week the formal funeral director went toe to toe with former European champion Curt Angel!!! I say we think long and hard before dismissing The Dead Guy any time soon…
So, do we know for sure yet whether Mister American was fired for real? Or is it just an angle?
Geez, we fans can be a fickle bunch at times. Sure, when The Dudley Brotherz put a hapless foe through a table, we're cheering like crazy. But then, this past week on Eric Bischoff's Monday Night Raw, when Los Resistance put Spike TV Dudley through a table, everyone BOOS? Last time I checked, turnabout was fair play!!!
One day he's back, one day he's not: Can Nick Foley make up his freaking mind about whether he's "retired" or not already? I understand that he's on the road promoting his brand new book Titanium Brown, but can't he do that and wrestle at the same time?
Yours truly recently had the chance to sit down with The APA, and what an adventure it was!!! What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, UNEDITED, JAM-PACKED transcript. The content is the EXCLUSIVE property of Oldline Onslut, Whinerbored and, for some reason, 911Mania.com:
CB: Hello, is this is The APA? APA: No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number. You've reached the NAACP. CB: Ooh, my bad. I'm calling from Inside The Ropes looking for the APA about what happened over the weekend at a house show. APA: I'm sorry? CB: Please don't apologize. Not like it's YOUR fault. Yeah, it seems that after their match, Sheldon Benjamin told Breadshaw that he was a (CENSORED BY OO LEGAL DEPARTMENT) APA: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? CB: I can't believe Sheldon called him a (CENSORED BY OO LEGAL DEPARTMENT). What is up with THAT? APA: Don't EVER call here again (click)!!! A short time later… CB: Hello, is this The APA? APA: NO. THIS IS THE AARP. CB: No, I'm pretty sure it's called APA. That's what it says on their door, anyways. APA: IT DOES? HOLD ON, I'LL CHECK… (A few minutes later) Hello, can I help you? CB: You were checking on the door? APA: WHO'S AT THE DOOR? CB: What? APA: YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP! CB: I wanted to speak to The APA, preferably Rob Simmons. APA: SIMMONS? THE MATTRESS PEOPLE? CB: I'm not sure. Was he an All-American for Florida State? APA: HELLO? (click) A short time later… CB: Hello, is this The APA? APA: Yes it is. CB: Thank goodness. This is Canadian Bulldog from Inside The Ropes. APA: And what do you want to speak with the American Psychological Association for? CB: For an EXCLUSIVE JAM-PACKED interview for my column, so… wait… Psychological Association? As in Sycho Sid? APA:??? CB: I thought it stood for 'Always Poundin' Ass'? APA: I think you have the wrong number, sir. CB: NO!!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! I'M CANADIAN F'ING BULLDOG, DAMMIT!!! I AM THE MOST TRUSTED SOURCE ON THE INTERNET! APA: More trusted than Scott Keith? CB: YES!!! AND ALL YOU PEOPLE WANT TO DO IS ISOLATE ME! I FEEL SO… SO… APA: Repressed? Angry? Disturbed? CB: YES! YES!! YES!!! APA: Tell me, when did this all start for you? CB: Probably the first time I ever read Wrestling Eye (May 1987, cover story: "Will Lex Lugar steal Miss Elizabeth away from Macho Man and then lead her to a life of drugs?") APA: I see. Tell me about your childhood…
Folks, the interview pretty much ends there, but I'll be sure to fill you in on the EXCLUSIVE JAM-PACKED part two of the interview once I get medical clearance to speak with the APA again!!!
Finally, it's time into the good old virtual mailbag to answer some of your most pressing questions. Remember, drop me a line at Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com if you want an answer about something or other:
Q: When was the last time the WWE title changed hands during the month of October? A: Don't know. Q: I was wondering whether you'd seen any of the ROH shows and what you'd thought of them. A: Thanks for the compliment. I actually did contact the official Ring Of Horror website, but apparently they only carry the shows on VHS or DVD (no Betamax). Oh well, I'm sure they'll get around to it eventually. That reminds me, any one else know where I can buy Best of the WWF Vol. 4? My old copy is just about worn out, and I'll never get bored of that match between Mr. Fuji and Moondog Rex!!! Q: What can you tell me about The FBI? A: I actually tried to get them for an EXCLUSIVE JAM-PACKED interview this week, but… uh, let's just say I have a file now. Anyhoo, the three members of The Full Bodied Italians are Noonzio, Johnny The K-9 Stamboli and Salvatore Sincere. They enjoy dancing, picnics at the park and long walks on the beach. Thanks for the compliment!!! Q: Oh, sorry, my question was already answered. A: No worries. It happens to the best of us.
That's about it for this week. Remember, if you have any questions, answers, underhanded compliments or presents, don't hesitate to contact me at Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… INSIDE THE ROPES!!!
The first-ever ITR 500? An EXCLUSIVE interview with Torrie Watson? All this, plus, to be honest, not much else, in this week's JAM-PACKED Inside The Ropes!!!
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and HIGHLY CONVOLUTED edition of Inside The Ropes, the modern-day version of Pro Wrestling Illustrated Weekly. I'm Canadian Bulldog, otherwise known as fan club president for Jesus Aguiliera.