“¡Yo Quiero Taco Bell, Esse!” -- Eddie Guerrera, 2000
Welcome, everyone, to the latest EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, or as we like to say here in Mexico, Dentro de Los Lazos. I’m Canadian Bulldog (Perro de presa Canadiense). We’ve got a ton to get to this week, so let’s hop right to it, holmes. But first, a quick poll:
Who will win the next Tuff Enuff? (A) Who the hell cares? (B) Yes.
Be sure to register your vote at the official Inside The Ropes website (Motto: We’ll never feature a premium section. Ever.). And here the results of last week’s poll:
Who will be the next to hear the words “YOU’RE FIRRRRREDDDDDD!!!”? (A) Triple HHH – 29 % (B) Brock Lesnor – 8 % (C) The Classic Old-School Ordertaker – 16 % (D) No one. Ever. – 12 % (E) Yes. – 33 %
And now, onto the news…
Much like democracy in America, the Survivin’ Series is now history. What a paper-view it was: new legends were crowned; older legends helped pass the torch, and feuds were settled decisively. And that was just in the dream I had the night before!!!
During the real event, the team of Good Guys beat the duo of Revolution, ThEdge and SHNITSKY!!! to win control of Eric Bischov’s Monday Night Raw while Bald Uncle Eric undergoes Chemotherapy.
BUT THERE ARE ALREADY PROBLEMS WITH THIS OTHERWISE IDEAL SCENARIO!!! Backstage before Raw this week, a BACKSTAGE POWER STRUGGLE broke out between Triple HHH and new General Manager Marvin:
Here’s hoping these two sexy superstars can settle their differences calmly and peacefully.
Have we figured who murdered Jim Cena in that nightclub yet? Why is Charlita Caribbean Cruel messed up in all of this? And why is he praying to Jesus for help?
Merchandise Madness: World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Incorporated LLC has recently come through again with a slew of CAN’T MISS products. To wit:
· Raw Vs. Smack! Down Vs. Velocity Videogame: Whether you’re looking for a game about Wrestling or a game about Talking Backstage, this game has it all. As I did last time, The Notorious D.O.G. has come up with some “cheat codes” to help you dumb marks get through the game:
(Scroll down a bit)
How to execute
Stoned Cold Steve Austen
Stunned Cold Stoner
Can’t do it (he’s not in the game)
Roy Mysterio Junior
Jump off top rope and miss
L2, R2, X1
The Best Show
Tope Con Hilo
Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels
Sweet Ear Music
Right, Right, Left, Punch
A, A, B, Right, L2, L3, L4, Down
Nature Guy Ricky Flare
Five Star Frog Press
A, R2, R3, L, Up, Down, Up, Down, R2, R1, Six
Not His Fault
Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!
RKO everyone on entire roster, every single match
· ThEdge’s New Book “Stewart Copeland On The Edge”
This power-packed novel holds nothing back, covering Copeland’s entire five years of fame. For example, DID YOU KNOW that:
- ThEdge and The Christian aren’t REALLY brothers!!! - But he and Gangrall really are!!! - He only placed second in the Taboo Thursday poll. - It was HIM who came up with the name “TLC”. Then he got sued by the band TLC for stealing their name. Then ThEdge had to do backup vocals for the song “Waterfalls” because he was broke and didn’t have any money to pay them! - You remember the “five second pose”? It was originally supposed to be six. - Pat Pat Patterson is gay.
· WWE’s New Album “ThemeCrackAddict”
If you were a fan of the first 26 theme albums, you’ll love this one, which features such hot tracks as:
- Maven Mambo - Batista Boogie - Shnitsky Shuffle - Ric Flair Rhumba - Jindrak’s Jig - Carlito Caribbean Cha Cha - Randy Orton’s Lame-Ass Maven Ripoff Theme Song
· “Best of ECW Before It Went Bankrupt” DVD
It’s a veritable greatest hits collection from the outlaw promotion that revolutionized wrestling and changed the business forever for some reason. Featuring such highlights as:
- Joe E. Styles telling everyone over and over again why WWF and WCW sucks. - ”New” Jack jumping off a 400-foot balcony holding a staple gun and a real gun and a glue gun, in front of a capacity crowd of 30. - The Fat Guy In The Neckbrace telling dirty jokes. - Sand Man drinking himself silly. - Ravin drugging himself silly. - All 18 of the original Dudley Brotherz taking turns getting RKO’d by ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! - Saboo shooting himself out of a cannon onto eight flaming tables and shards of broken glass, landing directly on his neck in a match against Some Jobber. - Mick Farley doing the exact same thing, but cutting a better promo beforehand. - An influx of young talent into the industry such as Jimminy Superfreak Snuka, Timmy “Wildfire” Rich and Terrible Terry Fuck - Easter Eggs of Paul Herman bouncing checks and laughing maniacally about it.
Like I said, I don’t know how WWE always manages to come out with these INCREDIBLE products right around Xmas time. Way to clean my pockets out, guys!!!
Cookies Cause Controversy: Recently, the superstars of NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass) caused a MAJOR CONTROVERSY when they sent some of their Unknown Jobbers to invade a WWE television taping. Their goal was to sign away wrestlers using cookies and balloons.
While this hardball tactic hasn’t swayed Chris Benwah or Kur Tangle (yet!!!), the minor-league wrestling group did manage to make one huge acquisition. Here’s the Official News Release:
Nashville, TN (November 12, 2004) TNA Entertainment, LLC announced today that it has signed Cookie Monster to an exclusive contract, where he will appear on Total Nonstop Action Wrestling pay-per-events.
"We are thrilled to add Cookie Monster to our growing roster," said Frank Romano, COO TNA Entertainment. "Not only is he a household name, but he adds a sense of class and dignity our brand of professional wrestling monthly on pay-per-view. Also, he works extremely cheap."
"COOKIES!!!" said the furry blue monster at a press conference announcing his involvement with Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. "Me love cookies. Um num num!"
The monster was attracted to the company after Total Nonstop Action superstars Tracy and Abyss offered him complimentary cookies. Vince Russo, who recently resigned as TNA's Director of Authority, is credited with signing the talent.
"Let's face it -- the guy draws money." said Russo. "He doesn't even have to get in the ring to be effective. He can do commentary. He can manage. He can help teach the referees to count to three."
Cookie Monster hasn't decided what his role will be on Total Nonstop Action.
"Me not going to job to Jarrett," said Cookie Monster, cookie crumbs flying everywhere. "Me have it in creative control clause. Um num num!"
According to Total Nonstop Action ring announcer and flunky Jeremy Borash, Cookie may form a tag team with Grover to go after tag team champions 3 Live Kru.
The alternative for the true wrestling fan, Total Nonstop Action Wrestling prides itself on delivering quality, family programming that is clean, innovative, cutting edge and with the high-risk, high-flying athleticism that TNA Wrestling is known for. Total Nonstop Action Wrestling iMPACT! airs Fridays at 3:00 p.m. on FSN (check local listings). TNA Xplosion is a syndicated program (check local listings). TNA Wrestling pay-per-views are available on iN DEMAND, DISH Network, DIRECTV, TVN, Viewers Choice Canada, Bell ExpressVu and Shaw Communications. For more information, log on to www.tnawrestling.com. -30-
Finally, I’d like to send a quick shout-out to ITR’s biggest fan in the world out there. A man who has helped to shape this column since it’s very inception (1958, although it had way fewer Orton references back then) and has thrown his support in all the way. So if you’re reading out there, Ryan, happy B-Day from the B-Dawg!!!
If you have any questions, comments, or useless suggestions, be sure to drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. Until next time, remember, if you heard it here first, it’s… Inside The Ropes.
HAHA at the HHH/Maven drawing Top marks for the WWE video game cheat code, wow one button to allow Orton to RKO the entire roster at an instint, pretty close to the real thing... I'd love to see a HHH missile dropkick even in video game form.
smark/net attack wienerville advisory holds at ORANGE alert - High (JBL is STILL WWE champion and now smarks arch enemy HHH is the World Champion. Major red threat, but the undercard seems okay. The alert holds... for now)- 9/19
You're satire was so good (and so long) I forgot what 'vote vote vote' meant at the end when I finished. I cast my vote for HHHamlet. The other plots (except LotR) seem to require too much embellishment to impose them upon the current WWE landscape.