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The W - Guest Columns - Inside The Ropes - Letters From A Nut
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CANADIAN BULLDOG
Andouille








Since: 5.3.03
From: TORONTO

Since last post: 494 days
Last activity: 493 days
ICQ:  
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.67
Note: Canadian Bulldog here, folks (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). To properly explain what you're about to read, I felt I had to kind of speak out of character, so sorry if I'm "breaking kayfabe" or whatever.
Recently, I re-read the book Letters From A Nut by Ted L. Nancy. If you've never read any of the "Nut" series, I'd highly recommend it for your humor-literature needs. Very funny stuff. It inspired me.
The following are e-mails I sent to famous (and formerly famous) wrestling personalities, written in full Canadian Bulldog character, making some pretty ridiculous requests.
What you're about to read are the ACTUAL letters I sent and the ACTUAL responses. The only things I've left out are any personal phone numbers or e-mails I received. I sent roughly 100 to 120 e-mails out for this experiment, and the following are ones I've already received responses to (or in some cases, when the e-mail came back undeliverable).
All modesty aside, I think this is some of the funniest writing I've ever done. Let me know what you think by e-mailing me at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.
Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog




Dear Buddy Landel,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I am easily your biggest fan EVER! I still have your T-Shirt from the Mid South territory, although I can no longer wear it (time hasn't been kind to the ol' Bulldog. LOL!)
I am planning on starting a "Best Of Buddy Landel" DVD, which is currently undergoing preproduction. I have some of your best bouts on tape; even the one where Tommy Rich slipped on the second rope (LOSER!). Because some of the footage has been copyrighted by that bastard Vince MacMahon, a group of us plan on re-enacting some of the scenes (I'll be playing you, although I'm not nearly as muscular and my hair isn't really the same color.)
My question: Would you be able to do guest commentary for the grudge match with Junkyard Doug? We feel this would make it of greater historical significance. Kevin Kelly, formerly of WWF fame, has been "attached" to play one of the other guest commentators. You can cuss him out if you like, because it's all part of "the act".
So let me know soonest if you'll be able to help us out. We'll probably need one of those DVD-recording-thingies, but you probably have one. Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

Reply:
Goodmorning,
Anything for you my ole friend, call me sometime or send your #,
Take care,
Nature Boy Buddy Landel
(PHONE NUMBER WITHHELD)



Dear Shark Guy,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We once teamed on an indy show in the Dayton area; remember?
I'm now in the furniture business. There are now three "Canadian Bulldog's House of Furniture" warehouses in Ontario. Pretty impressive, huh?
Here's my question: would you be available for a personal appearance in late-September? Here's how it would go down: for the grand opening of our new store in Wawa, Ontario, I am going to play the "heel" and insult all my customers. Then, before I bodyslam one of the kids onto a sofa, I'd want you to do a quick run in. The ring announcer (probably Luscious Johnny V, though that's not confirmed yet) would shout: "Look, it's NWA T and A superstar Shark Guy!" The thing would get a huge pop from all the marks! Jeb Tennyson Lund and actor Stuart Stone will also be in attendance.
So whaddya think? Let me know ASAP. If you're not available, would you happen to have New Jack's e-mail?
Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

Reply:
Hey Bulldog!
Of course I remember you. I would love to do the appearance for you. Does $400 plus air and hotel sound fair? Will see if I can track down New Jack's email.
Shark



Dear Tatatatanka,
It's Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). Back when I was in school, I got kicked out because I had dyed a stripe of red down my hair to be just like you, and then the WWF had to apologize and everything. Remember?
My question: I now run a fairly-successful chain of time-share resorts in Vancouver, British Columbia. You probably know how it works: we sucker people into spending time at our resort, and we give them endless speeches until they agree to buy some of our real estate. We still have some condos available, if you and Mrs. Tatanka are interested.
But that's not what I want to ask you about: I would very much like you to be a motivational speaker at one of our boiler room sales sessions. All you'd have to do is say "Look, I'm Ta Tanka, former WWF star, and you should be buying a condo already" or somesuch and people would line up around the block to buy stuff.
You'd be rewarded handsomely for your time (even though you're probably still "set" from your days under Millionaire Man Teddy Biase's employ. Heh heh heh!). You could wear any one of these fine Canadian Bulldog T-Shirts, or you could just show up shirtless. Totally your call.
Anyways, let me know ASAP. The busy high-pressure sales season is fast approaching.
Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

Reply:
"Hau Kola" Hello! Thank you for your e-mail and your support of Tatanka Enterprises. You will receive a personal reply very shortly from me pertaining to any business nature with myself or Tatanka Enterprises. Please do not forget our message board area to post your thoughts and questions.
Follow http://www.nativetatanka.com for all my latest news and updates! "Pilamia Yelo" Thank You and God Bless!
Chris Chavis "Tatanka"
C.E.O. Tatanka Enterprises
(Bulldog's note: Tatanka Enterprises? Ooookay…)



(Sent to his official website)
Dear Andrew The Giant,
I am Canadian Bulldog, arguably your biggest fan out there these days. How are you?
I am wondering if you are available for a personal appearance next month? We are holding the annual Flapjack Fest, and what a better way than to have The Ninth Wonder of the World hosting it? You can have all the pancakes (and beer!) that you want.
It is a two to three hour event in the Toronto area. Airfare would be (mostly) paid for. I understand you take up two seats in a plane. Is that still the case? Please let me know ASAP. I am a huge fan.
Canadian Bulldog

Reply:
Thank you for visiting our web site.
Unfortunately, Andre the Giant passed away on January 27, 1993.
Webmaster

Dear Webmaster,
Oh my goodness! I had NO idea! I'm so sorry to hear that. Please pass along my condolences to the entire The Giant family.
In that case, would you have contact information for Big John Stud? He's not our first choice, but he'll have to do, I suppose.
Canadian Bulldog

Awaiting Reply…



Dear The Buschwhackers,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I promoted some of your shows in the Toronto area way back when. Remember the Milton Madness card? That was us.
My question: I am planning a show for later this summer, and I have an angle that I would like you guys to consider doing. It's a little bit "controversial" and it's certainly "thinking outside the box". Here goes:
On the first show (this would be done over three separate shows), Butch and Lou are scheduled to fight my tag team champions (The Harlem Headbangers). But Butch doesn't show! We cut to backstage and he's making out with some chick... no wait, it's Lou's wife (not really; it's all just "a work"). The Harlem Headbangers win by forfeit, and they'll go on to face the winner of the "New" Can-Am Connection/Kamala and Jerry Lawler match.
On the second show, you two have a big argument before your match (haven't figured out who will conduct the interview segment yet. Captain Lou Albano?). But eventually, you put aside your differences and agree to team up. Then you do the J.O.B. to Greg Valentine and a partner of his choosing.
On the third show, you guys have the big title match. The wife accompanies you both to ringside. She gets knocked out by Harlem Headbanger # 2. Butch tries to revive her by licking her (not in a provocative way, but just to wake her up). Lou gets mad and attacks Butch! Then he accuses him of "lusting after" his wife!!!
Think of the ratings this could draw!!! People around the world would want to see footage of the night The Butchwhackers Exploded!!!
Let me know ASAP. Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

Reply:
Unable to deliver message to the following recipients, due to being unable to connect successfully to the destination mail server.



Dear Heavy Metal Von Hammer,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!) I was briefly considered for a spot in The Flock, remember?
My question: These days, I'm the programming director for the top metal station in Toronto ("CRock 105 - We Kick Ass!"). We're going to be holding a series of outdoor concerts in November, and we want YOU to host it!!!
It would be pretty simple: you'd just warm up the crowd for a bit, introduce the next act, and (near the end of the series) jump out of a helicopter. What do you think? I think this would be great nostalgia for all those WCW fans who were (and still are) pissed when MacMahon bought it.
Let me know ASAP, or else I have to look up the e-mail addy of Sgt. Craig Pittman.
Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

Reply:
Canadian Bulldog...
Remamber our match in 98 when I done the ol "kick in the groin and slap the crap out of ya" move on you? the crowd went WILD! I had a girl throw her pantys on me after the show!...
LOL! Just kidding!!!! Sorry, you have the wrong Vanhammer (not a wrestler), but if it pays enough, I will host the show for ya!
I get questions for the wrestler vanhammer all the time.
Sorry,
Van



Dear Loadie,
It's Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I hung out with the boys once at an IHOP near Atlanta. You thought I was "funny looking".
My question: We're filming a commercial here in October for the Canadian Sign Olympics 2004. You probably have heard of the event: it's where people across the country bring their best signs and try to outdo each other. Even though most of the signs have NOTHING to do with wrestling, your "gimmick" was written up in one of our recent newsletters. You are such an inspiration to our business!
We want YOU to star in our commercial. You could say something like "This is former WCW and current (wherever it is you wrestle now) superstar Loadie, and I'm inviting you to join the Canadian Sign Olympics.". That's it! 20 seconds of your time and publicity that will last a lifetime!
You could also judge some of the events during the November event, but that's totally your call. You'd have to sign a disclaimer first.
Let me know ASAP. If we can't sign you, we'll have to go with our second choice (that lame-ass Sign Guy from ECW). The fans would enjoy him, I'm sure, but not the same way as with you!
Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog
P.S. Someone on the Oneline Onslaught message boards said you and Lenny are gay. I thought it was just a "work"! But that's fine; it's none of my damn business...

Reply:
I would love to do the spot, just let me know what you need.... Thanks much!
Brad Cain aka LODI
www.lodirulz.com



Dear Baron Van Raschke,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I knew you through Sergeant Slaughter many years ago. I was the one with only one ear.
My question: I am throwing a twenty-fifth anniversary party for my parents in October (Minnesota area) and we wanted you to do a "run in". When everyone else shouts "surprise" to my folks, all you'd have to do is jump out of the closet and apply your patented brain claw on my dad. Don't worry; he's not so tough.
The guests (25 or so) would want to meet you, get pictures, etc. We even have a cake that looks kind of like your face (it's actually Stoned Cold Steve Austen, but we used icing over his goatee; also, it says "Raschke 3:16 Says Happy Anniversary, Jackass!").
What do you think? You would be well rewarded for your time, and not just in cake. Let me know!
Canadian Bulldog
P.S. Are you a REAL Baron, or just one by marriage?

Reply:
Unable to deliver message to the following recipients, due to being unable to connect successfully to the destination mail server.



Dear Dan The Beast Seven,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I was at that UFC event when a fan got kicked out for threatening to maim all the fighters.
My question: Would you be interested in being the new spokesman for Canadian Bulldog Realty? We are one of the top resellers of new and gently used homes in the Greater Toronto Area, and the contract we had with our previous spokesperson (Jeb Tennyson Lund) is about to run out.
We would take your photos and plaster them around the city. Something menacing that kind of gives clients the message that if they don't buy a house today, you're going to track them down and kick their ass. Not literally, of course, but that's the look we'd want your picture to convey.
So what do you think? You are very "over" (is that what the kids call it these days? OVER?) in the Toronto market right now, and we feel this could be a win-win scenario. We get a terrific spokesman, plus we get more real estate clients. Plus, if you want a new house - no questions asked - we'll hook you up. Plus, we'll tell you which houses are real rip-offs. How can you go wrong?
So please let me know ASAP. Canadian Bulldog Realty needs its new face on billboards everywhere!
Peace, Out,
Canadian Bulldog

Reply:
Dan is out of town for the next couple of days. He’s going to need a number to contact you about this. He will get the message when he gets back in town.
Thank you,
Mark Pennington



Dear Jake The Snake Man,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am). You argued with a friend of mine once in a Newark-area casino.
My question: I am currently rounding up "talent" for my new reality television show Sick Shxt (that's the working title, anyways; Fox may not go for the "Shxt" part). To win, you do as much weird, crazy things as possible over a 24-hour period. The winner gets $46,000 and a spending spree at Home Depot.
We feel that with a household name like yours on board (biggest name we have so far is Scott Baio. Puh-lease!), we feel the network will green-light show in time for the fall season. You wouldn't have to do very much other than occasionally hold your breath in a wooden tomb or put thumbtacks in your ears. Don't worry, we wouldn't ask you to eat a snake or anything (until the fourth episode; then you might if you lose the immunity challenge)!
Please let me know, ASAP. Trust me! (Get it?)
Canadian Bulldog

Reply:
Sorry, can't help you.
Live in the U.K.now.
Jake



(Sent through his website):
Dear Charlie Horse,
Why, oh why, are you still teaming up with Reeco? Don't you realize that he's not interested in your (incredible!) amateur wrestling skills? He's just interested in your (incredible!) body.
Dump the guy and find someone else a little more manly, like JBL. There's a man's man, if I ever saw one (Regal too. LOL!!!).
Also, why did you have the word "BUSS" written on your hand?
Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

Reply:
It's not "BUSS" as you said but "RUSS"
That's Charlie's brother that died. He puts that on his tape as a tribute to him and to have him "with" him when he wrestles.
Chan
HaasOfPain.com (Charlie's official site)



Dear Armish Roadkill,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I was involved with the ECW video game way back when.
My question: My rock band is performing in Clifton, New Jersey next month and we'll also be filming a new video. Near the end, we are going to have various celebrities (Stuart Stone, Jeb Lund, Johnny ITR, etc.) shout out the word "Chickens!" at appropriate intervals in the chorus. We would like you to be one of them, because that's your patented catchphrase.
What do you think? You could hold a chicken by the neck if you wanted to; you could also strum somebody's guitar. Totally your call. You'd be paid handsomely, plus you'd have your choice of our groupies.
Let me know if you're interested ASAP. Otherwise I have to go with "plan b", and I don't really fancy calling up my aunt for the role.
Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

Reply:
Send me your number.
RoadKill



Dear Nitro Girl Fire,
It's Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). You once signed an autograph for me before a Live Event in Florida. I was in line behind Jeb Tennyson Lund.
My question: I represent Canadian Bulldog Promotions, and we are planning the first-ever Nitro Girls Reunion in November. Can you attend? We've sent out invites to most of the original class (except for Kimberley - to hell with her!). Spice is pretty much a lock at this point, as is Chay.
The event would be held at the Toronto Airport Hotel (still undergoing renovations at this point). Events would include autograph signings, photos, merchandise and laser tag. If you're the one who has the band of ex-Nitro Girls, maybe you could persuade them to play a song or two?
Thanks, Fire. You were easily by favorite Nitro Girl (except for Chiquita - I had a real "thing" for her in 2000). You should become a Raw Diva. Or better yet, maybe they could make you the "new" Leeta. She's kind of coked out these days.
Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

Reply:
Unable to deliver message to the following recipients, due to being unable to connect successfully to the destination mail server.



Dear Bill Goldenberg,
Canadian Bulldog here. I am one of your biggest fans in the world (I was there for wins # 7 and 46 during your "streak"), and I have a bone to pick with you.
WHEN are you coming back to Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw to finish what you started? Brock Lesnor and Steve Austen set you up at WrestelMania XXX, and so I fully expected you'd be back the next night to kick some butt. Or at least cut a promo saying "Your ass is next. Up my ass, ass!"
So what happened? Why don't you come back? Was it because of the Draft Lottery?
Please hurry back,
Canadian Bulldog

Reply:
Thanks for visiting BILLGOLDBERG.COM. While Bill Goldberg does read virtually every email that is received, due to the high volume of email, he cannot personally respond to each and every email. Please know that Goldberg appreciates your support, and watch for responses to the most-asked questions in
the "Ask Goldberg" section of the website.



Dear Demolishion Axe,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I was the "original" Masked Superstar in a different territory (and I debuted the gimmick about five years after you did, so the Original part was kind of BS).
My question: I am promoting a show in Toronto next month, the Jeb Tennyson Lund Memorial Tournament of Champions. I have a new team that we are calling The Next Demolition. Individually, they are Crunch and Smush (he used to wrestle as Zack Gowen in WWE). We want YOU to be their manager in their debut outing!
All you'd have to do is accompany these guys to the ring, smile for the cameras and perhaps stick your tongue out. We don't require you to get physically involved. The team MAY turn on you; we haven't decided that yet. But this could be good exposure for everyone involved, as we are "this close" to getting a local TV contract.
So what do you think? Can we count you in for the tournament? Jeb Lund was a big fan of yours back in the day; I'm sure this is what he would have wanted...
Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

Reply:
Bulldog, Sorry I wont be able to attend.
Thanks anyway,
Superstar



That about does it for this time. More responses to be published as I get them. If you have any questions, comments, or if you just want tickets to the Canadian Sign Olympics, e-mail me at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.



WHOO!!! To know the man, you've got to read about the man! WHOO!!! Walk that aisle, Stinger, in the latest Inside The Ropes!!!
Check out the ITR Website, featuring the ridiculously expensive Canadian BullBLOG!!!
Promote this thread!
leggo
Mettwurst








Since: 23.3.04
From: Dublin, Ireland

Since last post: 3666 days
Last activity: 3510 days
AIM:  
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.07
This has to be one of the funniest columns I've read around the net in a LOOOONNNG time. Great job Bulldog.



Powerwrestling News Central
Updated July 18th with the return of an old recap.

Leggo's Two Cents
Updated June 17th as Leggo says Enough Already to the IWC.
tsmstu
Chourico








Since: 12.7.03

Since last post: 2884 days
Last activity: 2332 days
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 1.51
bdawg,

you have outdone yourself yet again.

laugh out loud quality this week.

You got balls kid, bug funny balls.



Socks
Landjager








Since: 25.6.02
From: Ottawa

Since last post: 770 days
Last activity: 383 days
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.21
funny stuff....

Even better when they "remember you" hahahah!



This one time....at band camp......
leggo
Mettwurst








Since: 23.3.04
From: Dublin, Ireland

Since last post: 3666 days
Last activity: 3510 days
AIM:  
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.22
Hahhaa, I love when people do that. Like when you're watching Byte This, a caller comes on and is like, "HI RANDY!!! I met you in Norfolk, VA last year do you remember me? I was the blonde one??!!!" And the wrestler just says, "Ohhhh yeah, Joanie from Norfolk...good times!"



Powerwrestling News Central
Updated July 18th with the return of an old recap.

Leggo's Two Cents
Updated June 17th as Leggo says Enough Already to the IWC.
byort
Haggis








Since: 20.5.02
From: Normal, IL

Since last post: 2965 days
Last activity: 28 days
#6 Posted on
I want a cake that says "Raschke 3:16 Says Happy Anniversary, Jackass!" Yum!
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Maybe this is that show that WWE has had in development for so long. Another excellent effort. Steph
- Stephanie, This Week's Satire 4/14 (2003)
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