Inside The Ropes August 7, 2003 By Canadian Bulldog Prominent Online Jurnalist
"Huss, Huss" - The Berserker, 1994
Welcome to another JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, the only column on the Internet that attempts to separate RUMOR from INNUENDO. As Andre The French Giant used to be fond of saying, "let's hop to it!"
Trivia Question: Who should be the fourth member of Revolution? (A) Triple HHH (b) Robbie Dupree (Los Resistance) (c) Timmy Dreamer (d) Dave Buttista (e) Mark O'Haire
Answer at the end of this column!!!
This just in: in a last-minute decision, the WWE Booking Committee has pulled Bill Goldenberg from the main event of SummerShow. Sources say that Da Man was angry at Vince MacMcMacMcMacMahon because he forgot to get his permission slip signed and wasn't allowed to go with the WWE to Austria!!!
So now, promoter Jack Tunney presents another power-packed card; he's ordered Triple HHH to defend his WWE World title in a Steel Elimination Cage Chamber match!!! HHHH will defend his strap against Randy Orson, Ricky Flare, Y2K, Big Daddy Pump Steve Nash, Heartbreaker Sean Michaels, Goldberg, Tritch Stratus, Rico, Gay Kim and Queen Victoria. It should be the best match EVER!!!!
Power struggle: this week on Eric Bischoff's Monday Night Raw, we saw Bischov do battle with Sean MacMcMahon for ownership of the Raw brand! Thankfully, The Big Stupid Red Machine Kane interfered, so that this real-life boardroom battle can rage on for another day!!!
Bad news for all the fans out there of Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash. Nash was doing a tour of Australia when he slipped, fainted, and fell into a coma. That was why he couldn't answer the challenge of Christian Jericho to a ``loser must dye their hair white'' match at SummerShow.
One hot Hollywood rumor at the moment is that The Rock is in talks to star in a film with Stifler (Miss American Pie, the Where Did My Car Go movie) and Christopher Walkon (Catch Me If You Want, Star Wars). Not sure if this will be another sequel to The Mommy, but either way it has the makings of a BOX-OFFICE CLASSIC!!!
Rock, real name Rocky Maivia, was all over Tinsel Town (real name, Hollywood) this week, teaming up with Christina Aguilera at the VH-1 People's Choice awards. Way to hobnob with the Hollywood Elite, Rocky. Who's next -- Stuart Stone?
Anyone seen Leon 'Bam Bam' Vader lately?
Speaking of Kane (a few paragraphs ago), we at Inside The Ropes recently had the chance to speak with the monster from Death Valley, Florida. The following is an unedited, EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript that can only be reprinted by crediting Tweenerboard.com.
And just a quick note here, for all you naysayers who think The B-Dawg isn't really capable of getting interviews with top superstars such as Kain: It so happens I found his phone number right here. Now, on to the interview:
CB: Is this Kane? K: I'm sorry? CB: Don't be -- is this him? K: Sir... are you looking for the funeral director? CB: Yes, I wa... wait a second - funeral director? K: That's correct. This is a funeral home, sir. CB: GET OUT!!! What kind of a sick, demented business are you guys running? K: I'm sorry? CB: Stop apologizing. WOW, folks. It looks as if Kane is back in the funeral business. Good for him! And remember, you heard it here first in Inside The Ropes!!! K: Who are you talking to? CB: Oh... right. Question number one: Did you really kill Kate Vickie or was it just a "work"? K: What are you talking about? CB: I'll take that as a yes. Question number two: What was life like being the real-life son of Paul Burier? K: IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?!? CB: Question number three: How come you used to use a voice box, and now you don't have to? K: (crying) CB: Was it because X-Pax saved you? K: YOU.... MONSTER! CB: Look who's talking! Question number four, and this one is 'on the record'. Who really killed your parents: you or Under Taker? K: DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY RESPECT? CB: Not for someone who tried to injure Lydia MacMahon by piledriving her off of a stage, no! K: (Hangs up).
Folks, we didn't get any behind-the-scenes answers this week, but I have a feeling he'll open up when I call him again tomorrow. And a cool little scoop on the funeral parlor, no?
A quick correction from last week: I reported that you could watch a special episode of AWA-TNA for just $10. That was wrong. It will be just ONE PENNY for the first minute, $1.99 for each additional minute. International long distance charges may apply. Kids, get your parent's permission first.
Stand back -- It's a Rosie coming through?!? The former leader of Three Man Warning is shining through with his latest gimmick as a Super Hero Ready For Training -- and the fans are loving it! Can any team be more over right now than Rosie and Hurricane Helmsley? Rumor has it that Rosie will graduate soon to his next gimmick, that of a Fat, Ugly, Comic King.
Was Brock Lesnor REALLY arrested? It's true!!! According to The SmokinGunns.com , Brok was caught for taking Illegal Drugs and doing....well, something I can't mention here, to a 19-year-old woman in a Colorado hotel.
If I know Brook as well as I think I do, I know he reads this column each and every week. So please heed my advice: Drugs aren't the answer!!! There are so many other, safer and less expensive ways to get ahead in life. You have your whole JAM-PACKED career ahead of you. So if you want to truly become The Next Big Thing and not The Next Dead Thing, then lay off the crack, Jack!!!
E-Buy Alert! I'm selling some of my ultra-rare wrestling items, such as a stick that may have belonged to Hacksaw John Duggan, a good booking idea by Vin Russo and some sort of small plant found in Road Doggy Dogg's jeans. To buy them, simply click right here. A portion of all proceeds will go to me, Canadian Bulldog.
And now it's time for Q&A. Don't forget to send your questions into Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com. Kids, get your parents permission first.
Q: What is Lex Luger up to these days? A: Thanks for the compliment. Lex, real name Lex Larry Lugar, is relaxing and taking it easy these days. He'll probably get called back to the WWE fairly soon, according to Oneline Oldslut.com. Q: What can you tell me about Kurt Angle, my favorite wrestler of all time? A: According to his official website, Kirk is "the largest athlete to ever showcase his talents in World Wrestling Entertainment, a versatile performer renowned for his wit, charisma and ability almost as much as his size. Since making his WWE debut in 1999, the seven-foot-plus Big Show has been defeating his foes with an arena-rattling chokeslam, and has won the WWE Championship on multiple occasions." Q: Are you tired of paying wholesale for toner cartridges? To qualify for an exclusive discount, click here! A: Oh no you don't. I'm not falling for that one again! Q: Now your penis can be bigger and longer! 100 % proven medical solution can be yours for just three easy installments of $45!!! Click here! A: Wow, thanks for passing that one along, email@example.com! Where do I sign up? Q: Don't you think they should have left the main event for SummerSlam alone? A: No. Q: I heard that Paul London recently signed on with WWE. Do you know anything about him? A: Thanks for the compliment. Paul is the largest athlete to ever showcase his talents in World Wrestling Entertainment, a versatile performer renowned for his wit, charisma and ability almost as much as his size. Since making his WWE debut in 1999, the seven-foot-plus Big Show has been defeating his foes with an arena-rattling chokeslam, and has won the WWE Championship on multiple occasions.
That's about it from my end. But not to worry folks, I WILL BE BACK next week. So if you have any questions, answers, arena reports, interviews, tips, leads, rumors, news, polls or petitions for me to sign, be sure to send them to Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. And remember, if you don't send me e-mails, you're probably a bunch of stupid jerks who couldn't care less about me… and my starving family…
Er, I mean.... if you heard it here first, it's... Inside The Ropes!!!
(edited by Guru Zim on 6.8.03 1640)
(edited by CANADIAN BULLDOG on 6.8.03 2114) EXCLUSIVE JAM-PACKED Randy Orson interview!!! EXCLUSIVE JAM-PACKED book review of Jerry The King Lawyer!!! Plus the end of an EXCLUSIVE JAM-PACKED era and more in the latest Inside The Ropes!!!
Originally posted by JALmanDo you actually read every question in order as they come in your inbox? I always wondered what kind of relevance weight loss pills have in wrestling.
According to an email from Lose Weight Fast Or Your Money Back, I can lose up to 500 pounds in just two years with their safe and simple medication. It's the same pills that Best Show took a few years ago when he was sent to the WWE Fat Farm.
Thanks for the compliment!!!
Kain Interview: the first since he's been unmasked!!! Major changes to SummerShow main event!!! All this plus an interview with Kain in the latest Inside The Ropes!!!
Haaha answering spam like legit email was fantastic!
Runs to Ebay to get a stick that *might* belong to Jim Duggan. Shocked that the Glacier signed photo hasn't gotten a bid yet!... Gay Kim, for some reason I thought her name was Gal Kim, thanks for the heads up dude, I didn't want to look dumb. If Nash loses do we really need to waste money on white hair dye, on his case don't you just wait a week
Originally posted by CANADIAN BULLDOGIf I know Brook as well as I think I do, I know he reads this column each and every week. So please heed my advice: Drugs aren't the answer!!! There are so many other, safer and less expensive ways to get ahead in life. You have your whole JAM-PACKED career ahead of you. So if you want to truly become The Next Big Thing and not The Next Dead Thing, then lay off the crack, Jack!!!
I congratulate you for that very important public service announcement, it's right up there with Trish's MADD drinking & driving spots, BTW she's against it LoL(American readers have no clue what I'm talking about)... Oh well CDN Bulldog you are a credit and the conscience of the IWC
(edited by Net Hack Slasher on 8.8.03 0948) cause there's limits to our liberties. 'Least I hope and pray that there are, cause those liberal freaks go too far.
I'll crush all opposition to me And I'll make Ted Kennedy pay If he fights back, I'll say that he's gay
That really threw me for a loop. I mean, yeah, why wouldn't Goldberg just up the ante on Hunter's head? I think there's a pretty simplistic theme that continues to exist in wrestling: Money = Greed = Power = Evil.