Inside The Ropes July 31, 2003 By Canadian Bulldog Ex-President, Scott Keith Fan Club, First-Place Ranking, IWC 1000
``What I'd like to have right now… is for you all fat, ugly, out of shape ladies to keep the noise down so I can hear myself think!'' – Rude, Ravishing Rick, numerous occasions.
Welcome to Inside The Ropes by Canadian Bulldog. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and this, of course, is Inside The Ropes. By Canadian Bulldog. Welcome.
Sorry to start this JAM-PACKED column on a sad and bitter note, but here we go; Folks, the dream is over. As you no doubt know, I have been lobbying the government for permission to start up an official fan club for the Internet's greatest treasure, Scott Keeth. Well that all came to a grinding halt last week when Some Guy STOLE my idea and started up his own club right here. Scott, if indeed that's your real name, I know you read this column religiously every week, as do Dave Melter, Rick Scherer, Chrissy Hyatt, Wade Kellerman and Stuart Stone. You, and only you, could have prevented this tragedy. Now, my fan club is nothing but a distant memory. I hereby resign as President of `Dud: The Scottt Keith Fan Club' and, much like Chris Benwah in 2000, I relinquish the title to someone more worthy than I.
Item! Shane O. Mack is back!!! The hot rumor of the day, according to 911mania.com , is that he's looking to serve Kain... serve him REVENGE!!! This has the makings to become the best feud EVER!!!
Let me be the first wrestling columnist to review for you the BRAND NEW book ``I Just Can't Wait To Be King...Sometimes", ghostwritten by Jerry ``The King'' Lawyer. If I could sum the book up in one word, it would be ``interesting, fascinating and totally boring at the same time.'' I mean, Lawyer goes into great detail about his old-time wrestling career, but really, who cares about that stuff? I think I speak for all wrestling fans when I say that what we want is details of his HILARIOUS weekly commentary, not every little nugget of some ten-year-old match against Andy Hoffman. King, tell us instead how you come up with all those great one-liners, like "Puppies! Woo-hoo! Puppies, JR!". Heh, heh -- puppies; no matter how many times I hear that, it's still funny!!! There are some juicy stories in there, like Lawyer's MUCHO STEAMY love affair with Linda 'The Battle Kat' Carter, but they're few and far between. Heh... puppies, that guy slays me!!! Anyways, if you bought the book where I did, The Salvation Army, then it was well worth it. Otherwise, I'd just wait until it comes out in hardcover.
Backlash, the latest WWE pay-per-view spectacular, has come and gone, and I have to say… I wasn't impressed. The match between Benwah and Eddie Guerrera for the vacant Americas title showed some great shoot wrestling and all, but where were the weapons and out-of-ring brawling? Same goes for the fatal three-way match between Lesnor, Angel and Austin. The show did have a few good moments, such as The AARP's patented Bar Room Rumble, but those were few and far between. And the bout between Big Ass Billy Gun and Jamie Nidia was probably the best match EVER!!! However, I'm SHOCKED to hear that Stephanie MacMcMacMahon has to spend the night with John Ceno now! I hope, for Sweet Steph's sake, that he doesn't try to do you-know-what to her!!!
Anyone out there seen or heard from Homosexual Mark Chocolate recently? Last I saw him, he was on Smack! Down doing a weightlifter gimmick, kicking butt and taking names. Hopefully, they didn't send him back to the Fat Farm.
E-Buy Alert! I'm selling some of my top wrestling items, including A 'Superstars of WCW' napkin, A whistle that may have belonged to Sgt. Slaughter and Jake the Snake's little-known python Joe. Bid on them right here !!!
The BEST movie this summer (so far) has to be the blockbuster Jimmy English starring Mr. Bean. Without giving too much away, it's about an undercover British spy who can't solve crimes because he's too stupid. A must-see!!!
According to Some Wrestling Site, we'll be able to see the action of TNA:NWA next month for just $10!!! Imagine seeing such superstars of tomorrow as Shark Guy, BJ Styles and Tenacious Zee for next to nothing, live on Paper-View!!!
Breaking news: Raw scored a whopping 4.7 rating, thanks to a boost from the presence of Shane Michaels. It also looks like USA Network will be airing Heat on Sunday nights, and will have a new show to promote Summer Slam from Madison Square Garden. In a related story, Butterbeans will be returning soon to do a mixed tag match at the event, and lastly, it looks like Triple H will be filming an episode of the show Pacific Blue, to air on August 9. For more details, click here
Had a chance to catch up with none other than fifth-generation superstar Randy Ortiz. Here's a full, unedited JAM-PACKED transcript of my conversation with the man they call ``Big Sexy The Legend Killer": CB: Hello, is this Randy Orson? RO: No, it's not. CB: Oh, sorry, wrong number. RO: Actually, he just stepped out. He'll be ba…. CB: (Hangs up)
I really want to buy some WWWE stock so that I can own a piece of the company and make booking decisions. But what happens if there's a stock market crash? Would I lose all my money, or what? Anyone out there have some Sound Financial Advice? Where is I R' Us when you need him?
The following is a spoiler alert. Don't, under any circumstances, not read ahead if you don't not want to be spoiled!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------
Rumor has it that Triple HHHH will ``lock horns'' with Bill Goldenberg at SummerofSam!
Color me impressed with the fact that the WWE has re-hired Doing The Clown. Sure, he's had a checkered past, but who hasn't? The fact that Vincie Mack is willing to look past this shows me that he really DOES have a big heart.
But on the other hand.... I really have to give Vince a big `thumbs down' for the way he's treated Jack Gowan thus far. Here you have a blind wrestler, who's a KID nonetheless, and instead of embracing the unique talents he has, Vince is EXPLOITING them. For shame, Vince. For shame!!!
And now it's time for a little something I like to call 'Q and A', or as the late, great Rob Hope said ``thanks for all of the memories.'' Send me your questions and answers to Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com Q: Where is Hacksaw Jim Duggan these days? A: According to his official website, John is from Glens Falls, New York, tough guy! Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Q: What was your favorite feud of all time? A: It would have to the one between Richie The Dragon Steamboat and Rick Flare. Q: Any idea where Mark Henry is these days? A: That's so funny - I was just thinking the same thing!!! Readers? Q: Why did McMahon botch the WCW invasion angle so badly? A: This is just my opinion, but Vince is a proud man and he couldn't allow his team to lose. That's why assembled a KICK-BUTT team featuring Rocky Maivia, The King of Bing Bing Chris Jerichon, Kane The Undertaker, Kane The Undertaker's Brother and Best Show to deal with those jerks in WCW. Q: Don't you think they are misuing Matt Hardy these days? A: No.
And that wraps up another fun-filled week of Inside The Ropes. If you have any questions, answers or financial advice, please don't hesitate to contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Even if it's late at night. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's... Inside The Ropes!
(edited by CRZ on 30.7.03 0948) Batman Vengeance predictions? A Ricky Flare interview? Plus who the hell is Miguel Huracanrana? All these answers and more in the latest Inside The Ropes!
After reading that, I'd like to declare Albert B. Ching as some kind of American Hero. Unless he's from Canada. But that's like North America or something, so it can still count. If he's from Europe, though, screw all this.