"Oh, you hadn't heard? Well, then I guess your ass had best call somebod-eeeeeeee!!!" -- Roadog Jamie James, 1999
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the Internet personality SO popular, they had to name a hamburger after me!!! Let's start things off this week with a quick trivia question:
Who beat Triple HHH last Sunday for the World Title?
(a) Goldenberg (b) Randy Orson (c) Cactus Jerk (d) Sean McMichaels (e) The Returning Leeta (f) Kimala the Ugandan Headbanger
Answer – none of the above. Hunter Helms-Hearstley beat HIMSELF!!!
A quick piece of serious business to get to…
An open letter to Shane O. Max and Eddie Guerrera:
Hello, there. This is Canadian Bulldog, the one glaring omission from Flee's IWC 100. How are you? Did you get my chocolate macadamia-nut cookies?
I'm writing this open letter because you are the son of one of the most influential people in wrestling today, or you're `Latino Night Heat,' one of the most talented people on the roster. So I have a few things I have to get off my chest.
Last Sunday, you took one of the most sicki-tating `bumps' I have ever seen, attempting to jump some 200 feet onto The Big Stupid Red Machine and missing, smashing your body through the unforgiving concrete stage. What the HELL were you thinking, son? Does the idea of living the rest of your life in a wheelchair, or losing an arm like Zak Gowan actually APPEAL to you? Everyone talks about Stoned Cold being "The Toughest SOL in the World Wrestling Federation", but I think you are the CRAZIEST!!!
And as for your personal philosophy of "Stealing, Lying, Murdering and Cheating To Win", I'm not too fond of that, either. You ought to be ASHAMED of yourself for promoting a motto like that!!! If not just for the millions of fans worldwide, perhaps you should make the change for the sake of your children Chavo and Juventud.
Anyways, its something you should think about long and hard before getting back to me. But take my advice; you'll thank me later!!!
Look for Superstar Barry Graham to return to WWE rings by the time you read this, as his vignettes have been shown for several weeks now on WWE High School Confidential. Because he's too old and scrawny to be a wrestler anymore, look for him to reprise his role as manager of Don 'The Rock' Marino.
Speaking of Rocks, Rocky Maivia may end up choosing Hollywood over his current calling of pro rasslin'!!! My sources tell me that his co-star Stifler has been helping The Rick land key roles in Hollywood such as Freddy vs. Jason vs. The Brahma Bull and American Pie IV: American Funeral.
I don't normally do this, but I have to take exception to an article written by the normally crack staff at wwwe.com. The story is called Orton beats HBK in ‘biggest match’ of career. While the match was great and everything, I'm sorry, but The Heartbreaked Kid has been involved in bigger matches in his illustrious career!!!
Who's the best tag team in the business today? Without a doubt I'd have to give the nod to The Bash 'Em Brothers, Donny and Danny. These two youngsters from the mean streets of Detroit have what it takes to take it to the TOP of the industry, especially with Queen Shaneequa in their corner!!!
This brings up an interesting point: What do you think would happen if the best tag teams of TODAY (Bash 'Ems, Los Resistance, Edge & Catholic were ever to face the great tag teams of YESTERYEAR (Hart Fund's Brad Hurt and Jim Night Hart; LOOD's Hog and Manimal; Monsters Inc.'s Teddy Biase and Ernie R. Shuster)? Am I the only one who thinks that today's teams would kick their retro behinds? Readers?
This just in: Hot Newz sucks.
Spoiler Alert: Scroll past the following section if you don't not want to be spoiled!!!
Christian Converting?: Following this week's gutsy performance against BOTH Rod Damn Van and Y J Stinger at Unforgotten, all signs point to The Christian turning babyface!!! Could this even lead to a reconciliation with his storyline brother-in-law Edged? Only time will tell…
Gosh! Can you believe all the 70's/80's sitcom stars that have died in recent weeks? First it was John Tripper and now Mr. Carlson. They say bad things happen in threes, so if I were Anson Williams (Potsy) or Charlotte Rae (Mrs. Garrett), I'd be making sure my affairs were in order, if ya know what I mean!
World Wide Wrestling Entertainment Corp.'s home video division is getting ready to crank out a whole new batch of DVD's. Here they are, as well as the expected release dates, courtesy of Amazon.com:
- Brock Lesnor: The Next Best Thing – November 18 - The Best WWE Steel Cage Matches EVER!!! – November 18 - Tritch Stratus: I'm A Slut – December 25 - Rick Flare: Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! (Three and a half disc collection) – April 24 - Damn!: The APA's Greatest Matches (Two disc collection) – November 18 - WWE Erexxion (UK-only PPV!!!) – February 31 - From The Vault: Outlaw Ron Bass's Greatest Matches – November 19 - The Ultimate Chris Benwah Collection: Scott Keith's Wet Dream (Twenty-seven disc collection) – September 20 - WWE Divas: Wall Street HEAT – March 15 - Triple HHH: Time To Play The Game Again (Features BONUS footage of "H" holding down wrestlers!) – November 18 - The Best of A-Train vs Funaki (Features their recent match on Velocity)(Two-disc collection) – April 1 - La Resistance: Vite Le Chemise Dans Un Petit Chat Sur La Fenetre – January 7 - Best of the WWF Volume 21 (FINALLY!) (Featuring Akeem v. The Red Rooster in a match that WE the fans asked Coliseum Home Video to show, plus Midget Mayhem and Cooking Tips with Jimmy Hart) – September 31 - ECW Bankruptcy Hearingz '02 – October 19 - Backyard Wrestling 4 (Featuring: a tombstone-piledriver onto a '96 Saturn SL2; a hurancanrana off the 35th floor of the Sears Tower; and a bodyslam… into a pit of fire!) – November 18
Rumor has it that Mavin will be turning heel soon and will join Revolution. The former Tuff Enuff winner has been told by Triple HHH to cut his hair for the role…
Recently, I had a chance to sit down with Billygun, one half of such amazing teams as The Smoking Guns.com, Billy and Chuckie and Rico and The New Wave Outlaws. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript. Full permission, in writing, needs to be granted from Whinerboard webmaster and California gubernatorial hopeful C 'R' Z before you even THINK about reprinting this, buster!!!
BG: Good afternoon, Billy's. How can I help you? CB: Hi there, is this Billy himself? BG: Yeah. CB: Gunn, right? Because I've had some problems in the past… you remember the Booker T Jones incident? BG: What are you talking about? CB: Never mind. So this is the right number. Good. Then I've just got TWO WORDS FOR YA! BG: Who is… CB: SUCK IT!!! BG: Who the F*@* is this? CB: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Billy. Whoa! It's just me, Canadian Bulldog. You got my chocolate macadamia-nut cookies, I trust? BG: I was wondering who sent those. Now… CB: Yes, I agree. Let's get on to my EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview!!! Question number one, are you really, you know… gay, or was that all just a `work'? BG: WHAT THE F*@* IS YOUR PROBLEM, KID?!?! CB: Yeah, I know. Touchy subject. Sorry. Question number two: Why are you always injured? BG: LOOK YOU LITTLE S&*@! DO YOU WANNA BUY A GUN, OR WHAT? CB: Gun? BG: YEAH! CB: You mean like Bart Gun or Johnny Gun, who was later Salvatore Sincere? BG: DO YOU WANT TO BUY A GUN, YES OR NO? I'M LOSING MY PATIENCE!!! CB: This ties in to my question number three: are you hard up for money? BG: (deep breath) Look, kid. I'm trying to run a business here… CB: Oh, really? What kind of business? BG: BILLY'S GUN AND PAWN SHOP! CB: Really? Wow! And.. what do you sell? BG: @#@!$@$!! (Hangs up)
Folks, I'm not entirely sure why Billy was so cranky when I called him. Maybe his little business isn't going as well as planned. Remember, if you have any people you want me to interview, drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.
Finally, it's time for Questions and Answers. Let's open up the old virtual mailbag:
Q: Who do you think can ever dethrone Triple H? A: Thanks for the compliment! Folks, just as an aside, this email was sent prior to Unforgotten. So having said that, I would think that Super Rosey or Hurricane Helmsley have as good a chance as anyone. Q: I'm wondering if you can help answer this question for me. My friend and I have a steak dinner riding on it. My friend seems to remember a time when there were two Undertakers. I don't remember that all. Which one of us is right? A: Well, I would say your friend is a stupid idiot!!! There were NEVER two different Under Takers on the roster; he's probably thinking of the two guys who played The Allllll-timate Warrior. Q: How come you haven't mentioned noted thespian Stuart Stone in your column this week? A: I dunno. Q: How do people find out the results of SmackDown and other pre-taped shows beforehand? Aren't the fans who watch it, like, sworn to secrecy or something? A: They are, but sadly, they don't often honor their word. It's the same thing with fans who attend tapings for Afterburn and Shotgun Saturday Night. They just can't resist blabbing the outcomes to wrestling sites like this one. Q: Can you think of any instances where a gimmick like Lance Storm's current one has caught on with audiences? A: Sure. Q: No, I mean what are some examples of that? A: Thanks for the compliment!!!
That's all we have for this week, folks. Some big things coming up for next week, so don't forget to e-mail your questions, comments, junk mail, gardening questions and advice to the lovelorn at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes!!!
Big Ass Billy Gun answers all the tough questions!!! A plea to Shane O' Max!!! All this plus THOUSANDS of new DVD releases in the latest Inside The Ropes!!!
Sometimes I ask myself why I watch WWE after all the crap it's given me. HLA, necro, HHH, and so on. And then it hits me. That one simple phrase that can be modified and used for anything that gets you down, yet makes you keep coming back.
Every episode has the potential to be the best one ever, and I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it after sitting through this shit.
Originally posted by CANADIAN BULLDOGQ: Can you think of any instances where a gimmick like Lance Storm's current one has caught on with audiences? A: Sure. Q: No, I mean what are some examples of that? A: Thanks for the compliment!!!
Another reason why I always look forward to the next ITR. Good job, Bulldog!
VOTE4WOZ.COM A VOTE FOR WOZ IS A VOTE FOR A BETTER CALIFORNIA MICHAEL J. WOZNIAK FOR GOVERNOR
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to this edition of the Raw Lines for Monday, April 11th. Another Benoit match, this time against Christian, and another triple digit earning on the Lines scale. Always a plus.