"To beat the man, you've got to think like the man. Whew!" – Rick Flare.
Welcome to Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog. First, a brief introduction to the few souls left on the Internet who haven't read my column before: This is Inside The Ropes and my name is Canadian Bulldog.
But no time for idle chit-chat. There's lots of hard-hitting rumors and possibly facts to get to in this EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of ITR. But first, a quick trivia question:
Which isn't the only wrestler never not to have ever not held the WCW World Title?
(a) Sucker T (b) Scotty Too Steiner (c) Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash (d) Double Jeff Jarred (e) The Man They Called Big Vader
Answer at the end of the column!!!
Who's going to win the big Fatal Four-Way Steel Elimination Cage Chamber match at SummerShow? With such luminaries as Heartbreaker Sean Michaels, Papa Pump, Triple HHH, Kain, Hurricane Helmsley, Legend Killer Chris Jerichon, Randy Orson, Ricky Flare, Goldenberg and Shawn Michaels already entered into the big event, it's really anyone's guess. And rumor has it the bout will be held under Falls Count Anywhere rules! I think I speak for everyone on the Internet when I say, it will be the best match EVER!!!
Rumor has it that Randy 'Macho Man' Orton and John Ceno are headed to the studio to record an album full of delightful hip hop rap! All I can say is, Vanilla Ice Cube and RUN DMV better move over!!!
Can you believe that Tom Arnold Shwartzanggar is actually running for Mayor of California? Can you imagine what would happen if a WRESTLER ever tried to do something like that?
Is Da Bad Guy really Da Alcoholic Guy? According to people who tell me they're "in the know", former WWE Champion Scott Hall has been known to enjoy the occasional adult beverage, if you catch my drift!!! If this turns out to be true, it could explain why the former Razor Raymond hasn't been all that active since the brand extension last year.
Also from the 'did you know' file: Triple HHH and Smack! Down Commissioner Stephanie MacMcMahon are married… in real life!!! It's not just a storyline. Not only that, but Playgirl cover girl Torrie Watson and Big Ass Billy Gunn are supposed to be headed to the altar any time now. I hope they publish the photos in a classy magazine such as OK or Hello.
Now it's time for yet-another EXCLUSIVE JAM-PACKED INTERVIEW. This week, I got the chance to sit down and interview over the phone one Matt Hardee, a former WWE Welterweight Champion and half of The Hardy Brotherz tag team. What follows is the uncut, EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript. For a written copy of this transcript, simply send $10 to me. Or, highlight the text that follows below, select `copy' on your browser and then select 'paste' into the document of your choice.
CB: Is this Matt Hardee? MH: Uh… no. There's no Matt here… CB: Oh, I get it. This is probably Shannen More screening his calls, right? MH: Who is this? CB: Canadian Bulldog. I'm from Inside The Ropes. MH: Sir… you've called a Hardee's Restaurant in Rocky Mount, North Carolina. There's no Matt working here. CB: Question number one: Why do you wear such silly pants? MH: WHAT? CB: No, no, no. That's Stoned Cold Steve Austin's catchphrase! Yours is usually something like Matt Fact: I usually wear really silly pants. MH: They make us wear these. It's part of the uniform. CB: Tell me about it. Question number two: Where did you come up with the phrase 'I have a Mattitude Problem'? MH: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. There's a kid yelling over at the drive-thru. What did you say about an attitude problem? CB: Oh, never mind, you idiot! Question number three: Do you ever feel sad now that your brother Jeff is dead? MH: WHAT? CB: For the love of pete…`What' is not your line!!! Try to be original, for once in your pathetic… MH: My brother Jeff…is dead?!? CB: Yeah, yeah, the one with all the Weird Paint on his head. Question number f… MH: I just saw him a few hours ago… CB: Typical. So… do you think he's headed back to the WWWE? MH: (Crying) I have to go (Hangs up) CB: Or maybe he was just fired. I don't remember.
The Big Stupid Red Machine Kane may not be as smart as everyone gives him credit for. First, he piledroved Lydia MacMahon off the stage. Then he decided to pick a fight with the undefeated Shane O. Mack. I can understand him messing with those people, because they're not top-ranked wrestlers. But now... he's messing with Ron Van-Damme? Are you crazy??? The man from the mean streets of Detroit can get VERY angry when provoked, as we've seen on TV countless times.
Anyone catch the exciting action of last week's AWA-TNA pay per view? I sure didn't.
E-Buy Alert! I'm selling some of my Classic Wrestling Memorabilia right now, including Salt that Yozokuna once threw, a wrestling-related fork and a sweatband that may have once belonged to one of The Rockerz. To place a bid, simply click right here.
I don't understand why there's all this backlash for Jiggly, the new movie starring real-life lovers J-Ho and Casey Affleck. I haven't actually seen it yet, but the poster in my local movie theater shows that the two of them look very nice together.
And speaking of Backlash…. The next WWE paper-view spectacular is SummerShow, scheduled for one of these weeks. Here's a quick lineup of what to expect, courtesy of 911mania.com:
- Elimination Cage: RVD vs HBK vs Y2J vs HHH vs 3MW vs Kain - International title match: Kain vs The Christian - Grudge match: Ron Van-Damme vs Kain - For control of the Raw brand: Eric Bischov vs Shane O Mack (special referee: Kain) - Dudley Brotherz vs Los Resistance and Kain
Rumored matches: - Kurt Angel vs Brock Lesnor vs Kain - The World's Best Goddam Tag Team vs Kain and Ray Mystereo - Les Guerreros (Eddie Guerrera, Chavo Guerrera and Kain) vs Chris Benwah, The Rookie Monster Rhino Richards and Takajiri
Q: How did you get the name 'Canadian Bulldog'? A: Because I'm Canadian… duh! Q: What can you tell me about The Four Horsemen? A: According to the May 1986 edition of Wrestling Eye (cover story "All the Von Erichs are still alive"), The Hosemen consisted of Telly Blanchard, O.L. Anderson and Dusty Roads. They were the best stable EVER! Q: Hello, Canadian_Bulldo. Are you paying too much for your current mortgage? WE HAVE THE SOLUTION! Rates are low – don't miss out on this opportunity. A: Thanks for your kind offer, Q123@mail01158.productsontheweb.net, but I REFUSE to fall for that a third time. Q: What can you tell me about Zack Gowen? A: Thanks for the compliment. According to his official website , Zak is ``a tough Texan, having won more than his fair share of bar fights, both on and off WWE television. He loves brawling and drinking beer and smoking cigars. But don't categorize him as just a tough guy. He's one of the most multifaceted Superstars in WWE. He's intelligent. He learns from his mistakes. He's outspoken in his love for this country. The Abilene Christian University alumnus starred on the college's football team, where he also studied ancient history. After injuries ended his football aspirations, he found himself with no job and little money. He told himself that if he ever made money again, he'd know what to do with it. Sure enough, since becoming a WWE Superstar, his success in the ring has been matched by his stock-picking acumen.'' Q: Are Matt and Jeff Hardy really related? A: To whom? Thanks for the compliment.
Well, that wraps it up for another week. Remember, if you heard it here, it's… Inside The Ropes.
MH: My brother Jeff…is dead?!? CB: Yeah, yeah, the one with all the Weird Paint on his head. Question number f… MH: I just saw him a few hours ago… CB: Typical. So… do you think he's headed back to the WWWE? MH: (Crying) I have to go (Hangs up) CB: Or maybe he was just fired. I don't remember
Quality quality humour. Congrats on another fine column.
I don't know what it is but this column had me in stitches. Scotty too Steiner and Big Sex Killer, Big Ass Billy Gunn, Randy Macho Man Orton. The whole 'Hardee' interview. Its getting better every edition. Keep it up.
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the only man with enough GRAPEFRUITS to challenge Raw Parody columnist Matt Horking at the upcoming OO Backlash PPV.