Welcome, everyone, to the latest edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the man who SINGLEHANDEDLY invented the Internet (don't ask; long story). We've got a lot to get to, so let's hop to it. But first, a quick poll:
Who won the recent John Layshaw Bradfield - Mick Farley debate?
(A) The Spendocrats (B) The Repuglicans (C) "The Man" (D) THE FANS!!! (E) Yes
Who will challenge Triple HHH at Tattoo Thursday? (A) Christopher Lewinski - 0 % (B) Rodney Max - 80 % (C) ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON! - 0 % (D) Does it really fucking matter - 12 % (E) Yes - 7 %
And now, onto the news…
Are any of you idiots cool? I DON'T THINK SO!!! At least, you're not NEARLY as Cool as the NEW United States champion…
For those of you who aren't stupid marks, Charlito is the REAL-LIFE son of Puerto Vallarta wrestling legend Carlos Cologne. Is Charlito destined to fight like his father until he's 75 in barbed-wire matches against Abdullah The Baker? BANK ON IT!!!
Get ready for the most INNOVATIVE CONCEPT in paper-view technology EVER as World Wrestling Federtainment Group Incorporated Limited Partnership LLC presents Tabasco Tuesday, coming up this Wednesday from Somewhere.
The following is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what you idiots should expect. Thank me later.
Main Event Triple HHH Vs. Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah/Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels/ThEdge: "Pinfalls Are Legal" Match
Everyone likes like to say that The Criminal Assassin holds all kinds of backstage power simply because he's sleeping with Shane MacMahon's wife. Not true! It will be 100 % IMPOSSIBLE for HHHHHH to go over three top challengers, all in the same night.
Y J Stinger Vs. Probably Rhino Jericho has to choose between facing Rhino, Rodney Max and 300 others.
Who the hell cares?
Mean Eugene Vs. Eric Bischov Loser Must Shave The Head Of Their Servant In A Dress
It's finally come to this.
You have to figure that Mrs. Bischov won't be watching this mat classic, what with her two children having to resort to UNBRIDLED VIOLENCE to settle their differences. No matter what the outcome, look for neither gladiator to ever be quite the same again.
The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain Vs. Largish Jobber Jean Shnitsky Winner Gets To Sleep With Leeta And The Weapon of Their Choice
Forget the feelings of these two awesome, sexy competitors for a moment and turn your attention to The Returning and Formerly Pregnant Leeta. She obviously has a tough choice to make. Should she keep the baby? And does she even know who the REAL father is? Look for many of these issues to be settled. Settled in the ring!!!
Los Resistance Vs. Assorted Jobbers Australian Tag Team Rules Match
Look for the team of to come out on top.
"Lund Killer" Randy Orson Vs. Nature Guy Ricky Flare Loser Must Job To ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!
According to the fourth-generation sex symbol Orson, Flare has been reduced to being a “wheelchair ridin', senior-citizen's card totin', Depends-undergarment wearin' – WOOO – senile, sterile, docile, grandfather of a gun.” Is he 100 % right? BANK ON IT!!!
(Oops, wait – I already used my "BANK ON IT" allotment for this column. My apologies.)
Diva Raw Girl Kristy Vs. Karmala Steel Cage Match
If the sight of two completely untrained, mildly-attractive women lumbering painfully through a match is your idea of fun, then THIS IS THE ONE FOR YOU, PALLY!!!
Girls Battle Royale Tritch Stratus Vs. Stacey Keebler Vs. Molly Hardy Vs. Misc.
My sources tell me that it's about time Gay Kim got her proper recognition in the rankings for the prestigious pink belt. Is my source right? BANK ON… oh, yeah. Right.
Recently, one of my Top Secret Sources sent me a set of spoilers… FOR THE UNITED STATES PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!!! OMFG, this could be my biggest scoop EVER!!!
(Warning: the following contains spoilers. Do not read if you don't not want to be spoiled. Or if you plan on ever voting.)
Things all kick off during the election telecast:
Dan Rathir: At this point, ABC News feels that we can project a winner. Ted Koppal: Even though you're on CBS? Dan Rathir: Yes. Ted Koppal: …jackass. Dan Rathir: The winner of the 2004 presidential election is…
(Music starts playing: "I'm back! And bettah than ever…")
Eric Bischov: Hold on just a minute. Who said that YOU get to project the winner here tonight? Dan Rathir: Well, I just assumed… Eric Bischov: EXACTLY! You ASSUMED! Haven't you learned your lesson about that yet, Rathir? Security – get that man out of here!
(Security escorts Rathir out of the building, not before the veteran newsman lands a stunner on several guards and flips them the bird.)
Eric Bischov: Now where was I? Oh yeah… what gives YOU PEOPLE the right to decide the outcome in this election? JR: How about democracy? How about that, bah gawd! King: Quiet, JR. He's about to make a HUGE announcement!
Eric Bischov: That just isn't going to happen. Tonight, right here, in this very country, I am going to name a NEW president!
(Y2J countdown. Music starts playing: "Break the walls down…")
Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho: Welcome… to Decision 2004… IS… JERICHO! Bischov, everyone knows you have as much chance of rigging this election as I do of main-eventing WrestleMania (well… again.) I…
(Jericho is blindsided by Deacon Batista, and helped by paramedics to the back.)
Eric Bischov: Thank you very much, Batista, or should I say, new Secretary of Defense Batista. With that, please let me introduce your new Vice President.. RICK FLARE!
(Music starts playing: 2001)
Rick Flare: Woooo! Ted – by gawd – Koppil! To be… the man, you've gotta be elected the man! Woooo! And that man is, beyond the shadow of a doubt, the greatest President alive today. Woooo! JR: He couldn't be saying what I think he's about to say…
Rick Flare: You look at all the other heads of state, they just don't measure up. Bill Clinton was nothing more than a glorified congressman. Ronald Reagan – he went to Hollywood to try to become famous, but a legend? I don't think so. Jimmy Carter? I made him bleed and scream the Nature Boy's name! The King: Woo hoo! Did you hear that, JR?
Rick Flare: But none of them – none of them – can dream of being remembered half as fondly as your new – WOOO! – President Triple HHH!
(Music starts playing: "Time to play the game. Huhuhahahaha…")
JR: No, dammit! This can't be happening, bah gawd! Triple HHH is a nine-time World Champion, King of the Ring, Royal Rumble winner and now, the 44th president of the United States. The King: Quiet, JR! President HHH is about to make his acceptance speech! You should be standing up for this. JR: Damn you, Bischov. Democracy in action, my Oklahoma ass!
Triple HHH: (Claps his hand sarcastically) Thank you. Thank you very much. I know a lot of you people are wondering what to expect from me as your leader… JR: (muttering) Wouldn't be the first time… The King: Keep quiet, JR! Do you want President HHH to indict us?
Triple HHH: You probably want to know where I stand on war, right? On crime? Health care, job creation, gay marriage, education? JR: That would be a damn good start…
Triple HHH: Well, I'll tell you where I stand… SCREW ALL OF YOU PEOPLE! JR: DAMMIT!!
Triple HHH: Read my lips. I am the game. I will do what I want, when I want, and how I want, and none of you can do a damn thing about it. Starting right now, I'm increasing taxes by ten, no wait, twenty percent. How do you rubes likes that? And no one can go to Canada anymore because of that crybaby Bret Hart… JR: Somebody has to stop this!
(Breadshaw’s music plays, and out of the limousine comes… George Dubya Bush!!!)
George Dubya Bush: Now, now, now hold on a second. You can't get away with this. Triple HHH: Why not, Dubya? What are you gonna do about it, little man? George Dubya Bush: Well, my new friend, Eugene says I should appeal this. Triple HHH: Well Eugene is wrong, Bush! Now go back to your home state of Iowa before I throw your ass in jail. George Dubya Bush: But I come from Texas. Triple HHH: You'll come from where I tell you to come from. Now get!
(Dubya leaves, shaking his fist in anger.)
Triple HHH: There's one more thing I want to say before I get sworn in. It's clear to me that…
(Takajiri’s music plays for some reason, followed by the entrance of John Kerry.)
John Carey: My opponent has made a colossal error in judgment. I am a Vietnam veteran, and… Triple H: John Carey? Oh, please, don't make me laugh. You don't know how to govern 'main event style'. Gail Kim could beat you up. Now MOVE!!! (Carey leaves.)
Triple HHH: Now, as I was saying…
(Music begins playing – "Lund Killer" Randy Orton's lame-ass Maven ripoff song)
JR: BAH GAWD!!! RANDY ORTON!!! ORTON HAS IMPEACHED TRIPLE HHH!! HAIL TO ORTON!!! BAH GAWD!!! The King He can't do that, JR! JR: ORTON! ORTON! ORTON!!!
(Election fades to black.)
Finally, I just wanted to mention to y'all that there will be NO "Letters From A Nut" this week.
Why? Because next week, you can look forward to:
LETTERS FROM A NUT III: BIGGER. BETTER. BADDDDDDERRRRRRRRR.
If you thought the first two editions were something… you ain't seen nothin' yet!!! Some of the biggest stars in the business (okay, okay; mostly has-beens) will get PUNKED like never before, and there's nothing that you, or anyone else, can do about it.
Okay, well maybe Webmaster ZRC. But hopefully he won't.
Will this be the greatest LFAN ever? BANK ON I…er, yes. Yes it will.
If you want to drop me a line, particularly if you're a wrestler who's been trying to return correspondence of mine, you can reach me at email@example.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.