"Hacksaw Jim Duggan… b-b-b-beats people up! Hacksaw Jim Duggan… b-b-b-beats people up! USA! Yu-yu-yu-USA! USA! Hooooooooo!" -- Hacksaw John Dugan, 1992
Welcome, everyone to the latest edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, recently voted as the best person ever, according to a survey I made up just now. We've got our usual glob of EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED news to get to, but first, a quick trivia question:
How did you find Wrestle Mania XXX? (a) Awful (b) The Crapdaddy Of `Em All (c) The Worst PPV Since That Hero Of Wrestling Show Where Jack 'The Snack' Roberts Pleasured Himself With A Snake And Then Starved It To Death (d) I Found It On Television With My Remote Control (e) Yes
How many people watched Wrestle Mania XXX last weekend? (a) 25 billion – 14 percent (b) 250 billion – 0 percent (c) 250,0000 zillion – 14 percent (d) Just me and Mike Hardy Version 2.0 - 71 percent
An open letter to The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor,
Hi, Brock. It's me Canadian Bulldog. How are you? Hope all is doing well, even after you just lost the biggest match of your career and looked like a piece of crap doing it. By the way, how did that stunner feel?
Not sure if you've heard this yet, but there's a hot rumor out there stating that you are getting ready to leave the WWE for the XFL. Now… I don't think for a minute that you're considering this (just because rajahwwf.com says something, doesn't make it true), but just in case you are… DON'T DO IT!!!
You have a bright future as a sports entertainer ahead of you. Why waste it all with a go-nowhere team like The Los Angeles Outlaws or The New York/New Jersey/New Mexico Hitmen?
Sure, they have hot cheerleaders, and Jerry 'The Body' Ventura is the sport's premier announcer, but that doesn't matter. There isn't anything in the world that can compare to the experience of pretending to be afraid of Hardwood Holly, and you damn well know it!!!
I know you think the XFL is all a non-stop party of high TV ratings, helmet-cams and Million Dollar Games, but I don't think you should throw away your wrestling career for it. And I would know about these things better than you.
Peace, out, B-Dawg
And now, onto the news…
I think everyone can agree that last month's Wrestle Mania XXX was one of the worst pay-per-view programs of all time. I mean, I thought the whole point was to create new stars, but that didn't quite seem to happen, did it? Molly Hardy missed out on her chance to shine in the Mania spotlight because of the Glass Ceiling; Little John Stud Junior was kept out of the Hall of Fame simply because he was never a wrestler; and was anyone looking out for The Bash 'Em Brothers? I DON'T FREAKING THINK SO!!!
The only bright spot of the whole night was when The Classic Old School Ordertaker made his grand return, looking EXACTLY like he did when he debuted in the 1960's. WWE doesn't get enough credit for doing things right, but this time, they went all the way. They even hired back Pallbearer for the big event!!!
The following is an artist's rendering of what The Deceased Man looked like at 'Mania (for those of you too cheap to order the paper-view):
Realizing the error of his ways and that he's not as good a booker as Wade Keller is, World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Ltd. Chairman Vince MacMahon has decided to "shake things up" with the "first" ever "draft" to be held "live" next week from "Detroit". Every superstar will be forced to change shows, except for Super Rosey (clause in his contract).
It so happens that my top source, email@example.com, was given an advance copy of how the draft will play out. Here it is. Warning -- make sure that you definitely don't read ahead if you don't not want to be spoiled:
WWE Top Secret Draft
Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw
Wait – that show isn't even on the air anymore!!!
Chavito Guerrera Senior
The Best Show
The Alllllltimate Dragon
Maybe I'm thinking of a different show
Mark Hardy Version 2.0
Molly 'Cueball' Hardy
Shane O'Max's Punk Kid
The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor
Big Sex Killer
Tough Enough's Johnny BladeSpadeBlazeSpace
Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah
Bash 'Em Brother # 2
Billy The Kid-Sized Man
Hall of Famer Pete Ross (a/k/a Charlie Haasle)
Big Stupid Red Machine Kain
Zak 'Don't Call Me Larry' Gowan
Old School Ordertaker
A Player To Be Named Later
Spike TV Dudley
Big Ass Barry Gunn
Jerry 'The King' Lawyer
Good Ol' JR Ewing
World's Best Goddam Tag Team
Big Daddy Dump
The Legion Of Doonl
Juneyard Dog's daughter
The Retired Nathan Johns
Sheriff Stoned Cold Austen
The Returning Leeta
Vince MacMahon Senior
"Lund Killer" Randy Orson
Garrison Cake and Mark Gingerale
Chavita Guerrera Junior
Homosexual Mark Chocolate
Roaddog Jamie James
It appears as though X-Pack will be the latest WWE superstar to get his own DVD. Some of the details were 'leaked' on this website. Although it's not listed here, the content will include: · His debut match, where he weighed 123 pounds and stole all of Razor Raymond's money · Both his successful title defenses of the WWE Little Heavyweight Title · Some crap from WCW Saturday Night · The full story behind the Ex-Pack/Torrie/Kain love triangle · Behind-the-scenes featurette on the making of his Ex-Factor song with Uncle Crapper · Hidden Easter Egg: Eric Bischov re-enacts the time he sent him a Fed Ex that read: "Screw you, Ex-Pack. You're firrrrrredddddddd"
And much more!!!
Former Olympic Hero Kur Tangle died recently after he lost feeling in his fingers. Or he got injured. I forget.
With the way that Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels and Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah worked as a team this past week, is anyone else thinking The New, NEW Rockers?
Recently, I had the chance to sit down and speak to WWE AND WWF legend Drill Sgt. Slaughter over the telephone. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript with the former soldier and maggot. You may not reprint this interview in any way, unless you clear it with CRV personally. In fact, you shouldn't even be READING this without his okay.
CB: Hello. Is this Sgt. Slaughter? SS: Actually, it’s Congresswoman Slaughter. CB: Look, I don't need to know your life story. This is Canadian Bulldog and it's time to conduct our interview. Capiche? SS: I… I… CB: Question number one: Why did you turn on our country and side with Sadamn Whosane during the war? SS: I BEG YOUR PARDON! CB: Oh, don’t go pulling that BULLCRAP!!! Be a man about it, for once in your pathetic life!!! SS: But I'm… a woman… CB: Don't get me going on that… and let's stop using that high voice, shall we? Question number two: has anyone told you how fat you've gotten now that you're getting old? SS: (Shrieks) CB: Oh, great. I didn't want to be the one to tell you. Question number three: are you happy being the least important hall of famer this year, and you only got inducted because you still work the company? SS: (Sobbing) Please just leave me alone… CB: Just one more question: where do you stand on campaign finance reform? SS: You.. you… want to know where I stand on the issues? CB: No, no, I'm just kidding. Can you say 'ATTEN-HUT' for me, maggot? SS: I'm sorry. This interview is.. CB: NO NO NO – that's my line! This interview is OVER!!! (hangs up)
If you know of someone that you're dying for me to interview, drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.
Finally, let's open up things up to some Questions and Answers, a chance for morons like you to have your opinions heard in an important forum:
Q: Can you tell me everyone who was in the Heenan Family? A: Thanks for the compliment. Click right here for the full list.
Q: Now that Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero are the WWE's world champions, don't you think Vince McMahon has started to recognize the real value of good technical wrestling? A: No.
Q: What do you think of Trish Stratus turning on Chris Jericho? A: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I THINK!!!
Q: When does Goldberg's contract REALLY expire? A: I'm not at liberty to say.
Q: Hi, Bulldog. I was just wondering who your favorite wrestler of all-time is? A: Go to hell.
Q: Why don't you cover NWA TNA? A: Shut up.
Q: When was the last time… A: Fuck you.
Q: How many… A: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q: You're making all these questions up, aren't you? A: Is it that obvious?
Q: Yes. Pretty lame. A: Well, no one wrote into me this week.
I guess that wraps things up. If you have something to say to me that isn't completely ridiculous, e-mail me at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. I can't guarantee a response, but I'll try my best to get to most of my fan mail. Until next time, remember: if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.