Finally…. the (Canadian Bull)Dog… has come back… to the Internet!
Hello, everyone. Welcome to Inside The Ropes, I'm Canadian Bulldog, one of the most renowned columnists in the Internet Wrestling Community and interim president of the Scott Keith Fan Club (more on that a bit later). But right now, before we get to the rest of this JAM-PACKED column, I have a very serious issue to address with the millions… AND MILLIONS… of the 'Dog's fans.
An open letter to the co-presidents of Eric Bischoff's Monday Night Raw, Eric Bischov and Stoned Cold Steve Austin:
I'm sure you both read this column every week (even if you DON'T respond to my daily e-mails), so please listen up.
Monday Night Raw, one of the best Monday night wrestling programs EVER, is falling apart right before our very eyes. And why? Because you two simply can't get along!
Yes, I understand that Erich fired Steve from the old WCW, and I understand that Steve threw Erik into a huge pile of manure; so you guys are even. Now it's time to buck up, shake hands and move on.
I suggest you two idiots consider this before your next little tiff on Raw: Would Cain have turned into a raving lunatic if not for your silly infighting? Would Triple HHH be holding people down? Would Jeff Hardee have turned to drugs? I don't think so.
So please, not just for me, the biggest WEW fan EVER, but for all the superstars on the roster from Jamal to D. Low Brown, PLEASE – WORK – TOGETHER!
Peace out, B-Dawg
In other news:
Good news! Charlie Horse and Sheldan Benjamin have finally settled on a name for their team: Best.Team.Ever.. Sounds like they picked a winner to me!!!
This just in: Kane, The Mighty Big Red Machine is the biggest jerk ever!!! How dare he engulf Good Old J.R. Ewing in flames during a recent episode of Eric Bischoff's Monday Night Raw.
Fire is NOT an acceptable weapon in the wacky, weird and often wacky world of professional wrestling. I quote a passage from the book Foley Is Big: And The Real World Is Better Than Stupid Fake Wrestling:
It's never acceptable to use fire in a match, unless it's a match that I'm in. And especially not when you're doing an interview.
For shame, Kane! Just because you are hideously scarred in real life, it doesn't give you the right to set other innocent people on fire. For shame!!!
Anyone else interested in starting up a Scott Keith Fan Club with me? Email me at the official fan club headquarters, aka Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com, for details.
Interesting note: X-Poc, one of the true legends in our business, is no longer listed on the wwe.com website!!! Not sure if it's just an oversight on the part of the normally crack wwe.com site or what, but someone should bring that to their attention. They've blocked my email for some reason.
Hey, wait a second….a quick search on the site indicates that Jason Credible and Al Bert aren't on the roster either… what gives? Did the WWE fire ALL of X-Pac-Factor?
What is Test so bitter about?
A few weeks ago, website The Star Marks published an EXCLUSIVE interview with Tritch Stratus that was clearly fake!!! So, in order to get to the bottom of this mess, I conducted an interview with her MYSELF! Yeah, that's right, read 'em and weep, boys. And… SHE called ME!!! Here's the unedited, JAM-PACKED transcript:
TS: Hi, there, Bulldog. It's me, Trish Stratus. CB: Yeah, right… TS: No, really. It's me. CB: Oh, wow! Trish Stratus! Do you want to do an EXCLUSIVE interview for my award-winning column Inside The Ropes? TS: I thought you'd never ask… CB: This is great, folks. An interview with Trish Stratus! TS: Uh… why are you saying that out loud? CB: Just because. So… question number one, how does it feel to be WWE Women's champion? TS: I'm not. Right now, it's Gail Kim. CB: Oh… TS: …but… I'm sure I'll win it back soon. CB: … TS: Aren't you going to ask me anything else? CB: Well, why does your voice sound kind of like a 15-year-old boy? I'm pretty sure you don't sound like that on TV. TS: Er…uh… I have a cold. CB: Oh! Wow. How are you feeling? TS: (Cough) Kind of sick right now. But I'm getting better. CB: That's great. TS: So… CB: So… TS: Why don't you ask me about who I like on the Internet? CB: Nah. Actually, we covered that last week, right here. TS: Where? CB: Never mind. So…do you…uh…like…wrestling? TS: Yes. Yes I do. CB: Good to hear…. And uh…. Do you have any EXCLUSIVE news for me? TS: Sure. Do you want to know who's gay in wrestling? CB: DO I ?!? TS: (on other extension -- BILLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE PHONE? ARE YOU CRANK CALLING THE PIZZA PLACE AGAIN?) Uh, I have to go. (Hangs up)
Wow, Trish Stratus, ladies and gentlemen! Check back here next week for another JAM-PACKED interview.
In this humble columnists's opinion, who is the one person Stephanie McMacMahon can bring in to rescue current ratings on Smack! Down? Two words for ya: One Man Gang!!!
Does anyone else have a problem with a Green spot in the top right corner of the computer screen? It's driving me batty!
Color Me Impressed with the recent ring work of Zack 'Don't Call Me Larry' Gowan. A drop kick…. with one leg? A moonsault…. with one leg?? A clothesline..with one leg??? It's no wonder he's the top star on Smack! Down!!!
Devo Dudley, one third of The Dudley Brotherz stable, missed last week's Raw because he died, according to the 411 Mania message board.
Rumor has it that Tris Stratus is sick with a cold. According to inside sources, she's getting better. And Gay Kim is the current women's champion, to dispel any rumors.
Now it's time for something I call Q&A, where I provide Questions and Answers. Or, wait… just the answers. You provide the questions, by emailing me at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. In case you missed that address, it's Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.
Q: Do you, Canadian Bulldog, suffer from male pattern baldness? I used to as well, until I discovered Nuhair, the exciting new follicle-replacement solution from Viascorp. For as little as $39.95 a month, you too can have a full head of hair. A: Oh no you don't. I'm not falling for that one again… Q: Who do you think the most underrated worker is today? A: Thanks for the compliment. I would have to say Spike TV Dudley is, because no one ever thinks he's gonna win, but he can surprise any given superstar on any given night. Him and S.D. Jones. Hey… where is good old S.D. these days, anyways? Readers? Q: Why doesn't anyone ever respond to your column? A: Good question. The only thing I can say that is that everyone on this board are a bunch of jerks, except for Stu Stone, star of stage, screen and television. You rock, Stu! Q: Do you know the lyrics to HHH's theme song? A: Here are the words to 'The Game' by Twisted Sister:
(Duh Duh) Time to play a game (Duh Duh) Time to play a game Hooohoooohahahahaha….
It's all about the game, and how you say it, All about the game, and if you can make it, I am the game, no way you can shake me, I am the game, nobody can make me, Get ready to move, get ready for fun, Like a good boy who likes The Smokin' Gunns I am the game, and you're not allowed to play, So you can't watch for another day
(repeat chorus till fade)
Q: Now that they're doing the whole FBI gimmick, don't you think they should change Nunzio's name back to Little Guido? A: What, the guy from the Creature Cantina in War Stars? Why would they do that? Thanks for the compliment. Q: It's me, Trish Stratus. Don't you think you should buy Nuhair, the exciting new follicle-replacement solution from Viascorp? A: What the hey – it's worth another try if Trissh is endorsing it! You guys have my Diner's Club card on file… go nuts.
That's all we have this week. Remember if you have anything to say –- anything at all; I don't care if its horribly negative and makes reference to my family members – please email me at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. And remember, if you heard it here, it's…. Inside The Ropes!
"The Cynical Weekly Wrestling Recap.” New adaptation to this week’s edition and all future editions…The Cynical Weekly Wrestling Recap will now come in versions 1.0 and 2.0. The former will be RAW and the latter will be Smackdown.