Welcome to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes!!! I'm Canadian Bulldog and we have another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition here for you. Here in Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog!!! Welcome.
We start this week off on a sad note. Michael Lockworth, whom WWE fans will remember as Crash Hardy and TNA fans will remember as The Guy Who Used To Be Crash Hardy, has passed away.
According to one account, he was killed by The Mean Gene Street Posse in an airport because they thought he still had the hardcore belt, and that the 7-11 rule was still in effect. According to several other accounts, that didn't happen at all.
Mike, known as Crash to his close friends, is survived by his cousins Bob 'Hardwood' Holly and Mighty Molly, and possibly her ex-husband Spike TV Dudley (I forget, did these two ever actually 'tie the knot'? Readers?). He will be missed.
Speaking of convicted murderers, Lex Lugar is scheduled to be on a future appearance of NWA T and A. According to my top-level source firstname.lastname@example.org, Sexy Lexy will have a murderer gimmick and will pump drugs into the bodies of all his opponents. Look for BJ James and Grandmaster Sexy to be his first victims.
As you all know unless you're dumb, WWE's annual pay-per-view spectacular The Surviving Series is just two weeks away. With that in mind, I thought I'd bust out Canadian Bulldog's EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect.
Main Event The Ordertaker vs. Vincent J. MacMahon -- Biker Burial Match!!! - It doesn't get any better than this!!! One man is looking to prolong his streak of never losing at a Surviving Series (except for that one time), while the other is the owner of the company, looking for revenge some five years after The Dead Man threatened to marry his daughter against her will. Could this be the match of the night? Bank on it!!!
Main Event Team Fock Fear (Rod Van-Damme, Bookie T, Heartbeat Kid Sean McMichaels and The Dudley Brotherz) vs. Team Bischov (YJ Stinger Chuck Jericho, Scotty Too Steiner, The Christian, Homosexual Mark Chocolate, Los Resistance, Rodney Max, Legend Maker Randy Orson, Eric Bischov, Chief Morally, Coach John Goodman, Lanny Storm, and Papa Pump) - Traditional Survivor Match - The odds are certainly stacked in The Memphis Rattlesnake's favor, but I sense a 'swerve' here. They CAN'T let Austen beat up wrestlers and women, which is what the stipulation allows. So probably, he'll have to lose and legitimately quit the WWE for good.
Main Event Goldenberg vs. Triple HHH - Bounty Match - So far, Da Game has been unable to collect the $1,000 bounty that's been placed on the WWE Raw Champion's head. Will he be able to collect it at the paper-view by winning back the title? No.
Team Angel (Kur Tangle, Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah, Hardwood Holly, Breadshaw and An Opponent To Be Named Later) vs. Monsters Inc. (Brock Lesnor, Best Show, a Train, Newcomer Matt Moron and Nathan 'Don't Call Me Rufus R.' Jones - Elimination Chamber - This one could go either way. Look for the team of to come out on top!!!
La Guerreras (Eddy and Chavito) vs. The Bash' Em Brothers w/Queen Shaneequa - Tag Team BLOCKBUSTER - Lots of questions to be answered here. Darryl and Donny Bash 'Em have reminded many fans of LOD with their reckless style, yet their reign of terror may be coming to an end. On the other hand, you have the emotional, physical and sexual tension that threatens to break up Team Mexico. If I can editorialize for a minute (note to webmaster ZRC: am I allowed to do that?), I hope that The Guerreras don't break up, because I love their theme song "We Lie, We Murder, We Cheat, We Steal…"
Main Event Sean MacMahon vs. Kain - Loser Has To Spend The Night In An Ambulance - When will this feud come to an end? How much more can Shane O' Max take of Kain's constant attempts at setting him on fire and attaching jumper cables to his shirt? How much more can The Stupid Big Red Machine take of Shane's poor driving skills and bad choices in Chinese restaurants? This one has scientific-wrestling classic written all over it!!!
The Returning Leeta vs. Mighty Molly - Girl's Title Match - Look for plenty of interference from Gay Kim and Terri Reynolds in this one.
Jimmy Nobel vs. Takajiri w/Assorted Ninjas - Little Heavyweight Championship - It's the classic story of 'boy meets girl, boy hires girl as manager, boy's opponent spits green mist in girl's eyes and blinds her.' Look for The Japanese Buzzsnake to "enlist" a little "help" from his "friends" in the Japanese "Mafia".
From the 'did you know' file: Did you know that the Surviving Series was actually started a Long Time Ago? The first event took place way back in the sixties and had a main event of WWWWWF World Champ Bruno Santamartina, I-C Champ Pedro Martinez, Lou Thez, Koko Brazil and Superfreak Jimminy Snuka facing the team of Living Legend Lenny Zybysysko, Gorgeous George I, Pat Pat Erson, Abdullah The Baker and Ivan Volkoff. Back then, most people couldn't order it from the comfort of their own homes (TV hadn't been invented yet), but many agreed… it was the best match EVER!!!
Recently, I had the chance to talk with The Full-Bodied Italians. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript.
CB: Hello is this the FBI? FBI: It is. CB: Good. It's Canadian Bulldog here from Inside The Ropes. FBI: Who did you want to speak with? CB: The main one. You know, the guy with the slicked back hair. FBI: I'm sorry, I don't follow. Are you looking for the enforcement division? CB: Huh? Enforcement? Oh, I get it… you mean like the mafia? FBI: One moment please (muffles phone) Patch this guy through to the director… it's some guy who calls himself Bulldog… something about being inside the mafia.
A short time later…
FBI: Hello. This is the director. CB: Noonzio? FBI: Uh… yyyyeah. We can call me that if you like. What have you got? CB: Well, I've got a couple of questions for you. FBI: I'll be asking the questions around here. CB: Oh… can't I just ask one? Please? FBI: (muffled voice in background: This is the Bulldog we're dealing with – do as he says). (Back on phone) Okay, shoot. CB: Well, I was just wondering: why do you think Triple HHH buries so many people? FBI: This Triple HHH person – you're saying he's killed people for the mob? CB: Well, I don't know that for sure. FBI: I see… CB: I do know that he once had… uh, relations with Kain's dead girlfriend. FBI: Good lord!!! (in background: That's him – the guy in the bulletin!) Son, we need to know a bit more about this Triple HHH character. What can you tell us? CB: Well… I know that Scott Keeth doesn't like him. FBI: This is worse than we feared. Bulldog, we need your help. We can provide you with immunity. We just need some more information. CB: You want the truth? FBI: I think I'm entitled to it. CB: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!! (hangs up)
True story – not five minutes after I finished the interview, these guys in an unmarked van come up and arrest my father. For no good reason!!! Anyways, once I calm down a bit, I plan to call FBI again for another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview, but in the meantime – if there's anyone you want me to conduct an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview with, e-mail me at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.
And now, let's go to my patented Questions and Answers section, where we answer your questions (mostly me, that is. Answering them.)
Q: What do you think of Rosey's current gimmick? A: Thanks for the compliment. It's hard to say from here. I think the big Jamaican has a lot of potential, being fat and all, but it's hard to see it because of all this Super Hero On Training nonsense. He needs to break away from Hurricane Helmsley ASAP and become his own man.
Q: A few weeks ago, you listed some secret moves from the newest SmackDown video game. None of them seem to work. A: Hmm… really? My source email@example.com is usually never wrong. Anyways, here are some new ones he sent me:
Q: What can you tell me about Ric Flair? A: Where does one start recalling his legendary career? Flare, born Ricky Flare, has been in the public eye since 1999. The Detroit-based Dr. Dre protégé has invoked the wrath of women and homosexuals with his offensive lyrics; become enemies with Moby, Everlast, Fred Durst, and Christina Aguilera; provided tabloids with plenty of gossip fodder regarding his personal life...and in the process become just about the biggest rock star on the planet. This often misunderstood major talent has actually given white rappers genuine credibility in this post-Vanilla Ice age with his string of dynamic hits (both solo and with his side group, D12), his plethora of Grammy nominations, his critically acclaimed film 8 Mile, and his three multiplatinum studio albums. Flare was born into a poor, working-class family on October 17, 1972 in St. Joseph, Missouri (I thought it was Charlotte?), though he spent much of his youth in Detroit, the city he would eventually put on the rap map. At age 14 he became a battle rapper, competing against other Detroit MCs in local clubs (WHOOOO!). After a short stint with a rap act called New Jacks, in 1995 he made his recording debut with a group called Soul Intent, which introduced him to a rapper named Proof, who appeared on that single's B-side. Flare drew from his troubled personal life when penning such bleak words: He had just had a daughter (David?) with his on/off girlfriend, Kim (WHOOOOOO!), with whom he had a very tumultuous relationship; he was estranged from his mother, with whom he also frequently butted heads (and gave figure four leglocks to); he was abusing alcohol and drugs with alarming frequency; and he had attempted suicide on at least one occasion (must have been after the plane crash). Though these harrowing experiences provided inspiration for some brilliant if nasty and offensive lyrics, Flare was at such a low point in his life that it seemed there was nowhere to go but up. Enter Interscope Records honcho Jimmy Iovine (The leader of The Four Horsemen), who--impressed by Flare's fresh and bold style--approached the struggling rapper after seeing him take second place in the freestyle category at 1997's Rap Olympics. Iovine later played Flare's demo tape for super-producer and former Death Row Records chief/NWA member Dr. Dre, who immediately liked what he heard, contacted him, and started a fruitful creative partnership that exists to this day. Flare's follow-up, 2000's Marshall Mathers LP, was an even bigger phenomenon, selling almost 2 million copies in its first week of release alone, thus becoming the fastest-selling hip-hop album of all time (don't forget 16-time world champion!). He kept people guessing about how much of the Slim Shady "character" was really the real deal, when he performed a duet version of his single "Stan" with the openly gay Elton John at the Grammys ceremony, even warmly hugging Elton onstage. Flare won three Grammys that night--Best Rap Solo Performance (for "The Real Slim Shady"), Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group (for his work on the Dr. Dre duet "Forgot About Dre"), and Best Rap Album (for The Marshall Mathers LP)--adding to the two statuettes he'd won the previous year for "My Name Is" (Best Rap Solo Performance) and The Slim Shady LP (Best Rap Album).
And on that happy note… let's call it a `rap' (get it? LOL). If you have any questions, comments, suggestions, complaints or parenting advice, please pass them along to Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes!!!
Remember the 80's? Neither does Canadian Bulldog in this special edition of Inside The Ropes!!!