"Wait… WHO won the election? Aw, crap… Hello, Steph? Can you do me a favor and fire ten wrestlers at random? Thanks." -- Vince MacMahon, Nov. 2004.
Welcome, everyone, to the latest EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and EXTREMELY CONTROVERSIAL edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog – and you're not. We've got a lot to get to this week, but first, a quick poll:
Who will be the next to hear the words "YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRED!!!"? (A) Triple HHH (B) Brock Lesnor (C) The Classic Old-School Ordertaker (D) No one. Ever. (E) Yes.
Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (Motto: Now receiving more than 6 hits a month). And here are the results of our last poll:
What did we all think of Tattoo Thursday? (A) What – the four of us who saw it? – 15 % (B) Best. PPV. Ever – 0 % (C) EVER!!! – 11 % (D) SNITSKY-RIFFIC – 57 % (E) Yes – 15 %
And now, onto the news:
As you all know by now unless you're dumb, World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Incorporated Limited Partnership LLC has made MASSIVE CUTS to its active roster, firing the people who are undisputably the biggest names in the business with LITTLE REGARD for their personal feelings.
Scroll down a bit for a quick rundown:
Big Ass Billy Gun
Triple HHH told the boys to 'show ass' in the ring; he took it literally
Ignored dress code; kept wearing Daisy Duke shorts
Tuff Enuff 5
Didn't have "superstar look"
Head too big
Ring of Horror
Back home to Korea
Because of wife
NWA T&A, as a headliner
Because of wife
Ray "Bad Boss Man" Trailer
Stoned Cold Steve Austen
I said, St… WHAT?
Being a jerk
Johnny "The Boar" Stambolini
Who the fuck cares?
Pat Pat Patterson
Start own thriving indy fed
That's weird; I don't even remember signing with them…
Company officials are saying that the moves will save it more than $8,000 (Canadian) a year!!! It will also allow the cash-strapped WWE to make more talent acquisitions, such as Raw Diva Hunt winner Kristy Hem, former King of the Ring Visceria and The Tuff Enuff Guy Who Made Kur Tangle Tap Out Like A Little Bitch.
One of the new people they've hired on is Mohachmed Hussein, who will be accompanied by his manager Osama Arafat. Just because they are Arab-Iranian citizens, they claim they are being blamed by the general public for the events of Rescue 911.
I say… give them a chance!!! Just because they are different from you and I, or because they dress differently, or talk in a different language, or because they carry Weapons of Massive Destruction to the ring, it doesn't make them any different than you and I. And besides, when was the last time WWE exploited something as sacred as World Events for their own personal benefit?
We are just ONE month away from the WWE's 20th annual Survivin' Series PPV. And what a treat this one will be – a return to the "Classic" 5-on-5 survival matches, reminding me of the first SS in 1981 when Hal Kogan, Paula Ortondorff and Three Others teamed up to face Andrew The Giant and Four Others. Here is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect:
Main Event Classic Survivin' Series Match The Curtain Jerk & His Curtain Jerkers (Lund Killer Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!, Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho, Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah, Mavin and Brutus The Beefcake) Vs. The "New" Revolution (Triple HHH, Nature Guy Ricky Flare, SHNITSKY!!!, ThEdge and Dangerous Danny Davis)
This match has a little bit of everything: talent who have been held back, talent who haven't been held back, and SHNITSKY. Look for the team of to come out on top.
Main Event Loser Must Suck Because This Is A Crappy Match Bookie T (with Velocity's John Matthews in his corner) Vs. Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld (with Orlando Hudson in his corner).
Will Book diss all his dawgs from the hood by winning the bling-bling, proper? BANK ON IT!!!
Main Event International Title Match Sheldon Benjamin Vs. The Christian
Main Event The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To Vs. HI-DAN-RIKE (with Paul Herman in a neutral corner)
You just knew that these two sexy titans would eventually settle their differences, but… settle them in the ring??? This one looks too close to call, even though Ordertaker almost never lets anyone beat him, and his opponent isn't very talented or over.
Main Event Classic Survivin' Series Match Eddie's Rowdies (Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera, The Best Show, Rod Van-Damme, ???? and Hillbilly John Vs. Team America World Police (Kur Tangle, Lucifer Rains, Mark Gingerale, Charlita Caribbean Cruel and Nickelai Volkov)
Expect ???? to be John Matthews, because he's proven himself to the locker room, both in terms of workrate and mic skills. Either that or it will be The Tuff Enuff Guy Who Made Kur Tangle Tap Out Like A Little Bitch.
Main Event Girls Title Match Tritch Stratus Vs. The Returning Leeta
I'm not sure what exactly the issue is between these mildly-attractive ladies, but one thing's for sure: it will probably end when one of the competitors bites the referee on the butt. Or is that a midget 'spot'? Readers?
Main Event Three-Way Dance for The Little Heavyweight Title Spike TV Dudley Vs. Chavita Non-Classic Vs. Billy The Kid-Sized Man Vs. Roy Mysterio Junior
This one will end when someone lands a Shooting Splash Press on someone else. Or misses the move. Whatever. I mean… really! Who cares?
On paper (and even on this computer screen), this event has the makings of being the best PPV ever. EVER!!!
Even MORE PPV: Apparently, NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass) held a Real Paper-View Event this past week. I wasn't able to find any reports of this so-called Victoria Road card online, but everybody's favorite apprentice Johnny ITR provided the details:
Hey, boss. I just got back from the T&A paper-view, which was taking place at Disney World. Here's an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED report:
· The first match featured 20 No Name Little Heavyweight Wrestlers. One of the Mexicans won. · Some Jobbers and Jerry Be Bad went over Kid Krash and Some Other Jobbers. · Next up was Midget Madness, with Little Littleton pinning Teeny McShort after one of them bit the referee on the ass. · Roaddog Jamie James and Conan beat Two Canadians to win some belts. · Rod Roddy Piper defeated Jimminy "Superfreak" Snooka in what was an ~OMFG ***** MOTYC!!! · Jacaklquenyn made her long-awaited return to wrestling, defeating Some Chick. · Alphabet Male Murphy Brown beat That's So Raven and The Mankind Wannabe in a "Ballroom Blitz" match. · Peter Williams (OMG, the guy from The Brady Bunch) beat B.J. Styles to retain the XXX Division title. · Next up was Triple XXX against America's Best Wanted. The team of came out on top!!! · Then it was time for the "main event". It was supposed to be Jeff Hardee's and Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash against Double Jeff Jarrod and Scott "Last Hall" Call. But then there was a SHOCKING SWERVE when Nash turned on Hall!!! And then there was another SHOCKING SWERVE when they didn't team up with each other!!! And then there was a SHOCKING SWERVE when they teamed up with Jarrod!!! Then they turned on Jeff Hardee's!!! Then Matzoh Man Randy Sewage came out for some reason!!! And it was the best match ever! EVER!!! · !!!
Thanks for the rundown, Johnny. I knew I could count on you to get the facts straight.
I recently had the chance to sit down and talk over the phone to WWE Raw Undisputed World Heavyweight Champion Triple HHH. How does The Criminal Assassin feel about putting over young talent? How important is holding the title to him? We attempted to answer these questions and more during our interview. The following is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript that may not reprinted for any reason, unless you have a good reason:
CB: Is this Triple HHH? HHH: No. CB: DAMN IT!!! HHH: But… CB: THIS INTERVIEW… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up) HHH: … but he'll be back in a minute. He just went to the store.
If there's anyone you're dying for me to interview, drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Finally, if you're wondering where this week's Letters From A Nut feature is -- SCREW YOU!!!
Actually, it's on a brief "hiatus" while it's being "retooled" because of "creative differences." However, I have a funny feeling it will be back, BETTER THAN EVER, later this month. BANK ON IT!!!
Until next time, remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
Chapter Twenty: “What Do We Have” -What do we have? I almost have this Grizzly guy tracked down. I have a lead on a bouncer who uses a cane to get around. He’s been arrested for hitting people with it. -We have a murder, a stabbing.