"Just when you think you have all the questions, I change the questions." -- Rod Roddy Piper, 1987
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and as always, it is my legally binding duty to bring you the very latest news from around the wrestling world (except for what happens in Mexico; we don't cover that – too many masked guys). We have tons to get to this week, but first an important piece of business to take care of.
Hello, Flee. How are you? I trust all is well. Did you receive my Double Fudge Caramel Brownies in the mail yet?
The hot rumor going around right now is that you're going to be compiling a new IWC (for you idiots who don't already know, that's the Internet Wrestling Corporation) 1,000, and I would like to argue a case for why I should be number one.
I am easily the most-read and well-loved wrestling personality on the Internet, according to an independent study I conducted amongst longtime ITR fans firstname.lastname@example.org and email@example.com; Oldline Onslut webmaster Rick Scherer; and The Stone Movement's lead singer, Stuart Stone.
Fans everywhere love my patented catchphrases such as "Needs a little more Kain" and "Zack Gowan is WALKING." Wait a second, those aren't mine. Who the hell am I thinking of? Readers?
I ask, nay, demand, that my name be placed at the top of your crappy little very influential list. It's a win-win situation; not only do I get lots of free publicity, but I also get my name immortalized. In the words of former European Champion D-Von Brown, "I think you better recognize, girlfriend!"
Peace, out B-Dawg
Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw shocked the living heck out of me when Co-Commissioner Mick Farley up and quit in the middle of the match!!! Obviously, this is was what's known in the business as a `shoot' and it means that the former ManKid, Dude, Where's My Love? and Cactus Jack Manson is gone forever from the WWE.
After months and months of being bugged by my Little Dog-A-Maniacs to watch NWA T and A, I finally made the plunge! Saw the commercial for it on my local Paper-View Preview channel, and who knows, I might even order it one of these days. Also, another PPV movie that looked pretty good was The Last S&M-erai. Anyone out there know what that film is all about?
Why are internet fans so down on Homosexual Chocolate these days? What has the arrogant youngster ever done to YOU? Granted, he's no Rodney Max in terms of workrate, but he's got his good qualities. Remember, you can't spell `smark' without the letters M-A-R-K!!!
Could there be trouble in paradise for the hottest young couple in wrestling (and no, I'm not referring to regular ITR readers Ryan and Liz)? It seems as though Tritch Stratus and Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho are headed for 'splitsville', just because of the whole having-a-bet-that-he-could-sleep-with-her thing. Aw man! First J-Ho and Casey Affleck… and now this!!!
If you're anything like me (which means you're probably getting your fair share of women, heh, heh, heh), you've probably left your holiday shopping to the last minute AGAIN this year. Have no fear, though. If there's a wrestling fan on your wish list, and there probably is, here are a few gift suggestions to make for a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah or Kool Kwanzaa:
· What's the fastest rising fad this year? That's right – collectible statues whose heads bob up and down, seemingly at will. Now, you can have your very own Brock Lesnor Booblehead to add to your collection. These items are rare because they were accidentally painted green. They also have the word `Hulk' at the base to signify the time The Next Best Thing defeated Hulkstor and drank his blood, and then smeared it all over his stomach.
· Or, if indy wrestling DVD's are more your speed, then surely you'll want this Best Of Shark Guy DVD. Many fans know Good Ol' Sharky from his appearances in T and A and Ring of Horror, and this video is definitely work checking out (or so I've been told; I only have Betamax).
· How many times have you said you'd like to be just like former WWWF Champion Millionare Man Teddy Biase? Well, now you can, with the (un)official (un)authorized Million Dollars Man Starter Kit!!! It's YOUR chance to prove that everybody can be bought for a price. Muhahahahahaha!!!
· Finally, what IWC fans' holiday would be complete without this official Scott Keeth Action Figure? Not only are his thumbs poseable so you can put them down or in the middle, but it also comes with stickers to make your own star ratings!!!
So last week, we started an Exciting New Feature known as 'Point/Counterpoint'. This week, noted wrestling expert TJoyner09 has decided to supply the argument for a hearty debate:
WWE Needs To Stop Doing Comedy Sketches
Hi, Bulldog. I think that the WWE should stop doing all these comedy sketches. It takes away from the product because when you're trying to get over guys like Goldberg as serious wrestlers, it gets undermined by the weekly antics of Hurricane and Rosey. Let Gewertz go write for a sitcom if that's what he wants to do. Comedy has almost no place in wrestling.
No, You're Wrong
By Canadian Bulldog
No, You're Wrong Thanks For The Compliment Peace, Out B-Dawg P.S. Please be sure to vote for me in the upcoming rec-sport-backslash.dot.alt.net.hyphen.wrestling awards and also in Flee's ICW 1,000!!!
If you have a subject you'd like to argue in 'The Great Debate' (formerly known as 'Point/Counterpoint'), email me at Canadian_bulldog@Hotmail.com
Recently, I had the chance to speak with WWWE's greatest super-hero besides Super Rosey, none other than Hurricane Helmsley. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript, which may not be reprinted in any form without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball:
H: Hello, Hurricanes box office. CB: Stand back… up in the sky… it's a Hurricane!!! H: I'm sorry? CB: No, I'm the one who's sorry. Stealing your patented catchphrase and all. How are you today? H: Who is this? CB: Canadian Bulldog, Super Hero For Training. At your service. And ready to conduct an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview!!! H: The Canadian Bulldogs… is that a new expansion team? CB: Uh… no… H: I think you have the wrong person. I'm… CB: I know, I know. You're Sherman Helmsley, mild mannered reporter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen your "shtick" before. Can we hurry this along? I kind of have a column to write… H: I don't understand what you want from me… CB: I hear ya. You give so much to this business, and take so little. You are very generous. H: Uh… thanks? CB: Now then… question number one: Which character do you prefer playing better – the gay pop star from Five Count or your current gay superhero persona? H: WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR (Censored by legal department) PROBLEM, KID??? CB: I believe the phrase you're looking for is… "Wassupwithdat?" H: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, MORON. YOU'RE CALLING A BOX OFFICE. CB: Oh… I have no doubt you have big box office appeal. No one's doubting that… H: ARE YOU GOING TO PLACE AN ORDER FOR TICKETS, OR DO I HAVE TO HANG UP, KID? CB: Oh, that's your game, is it? You'll only allow me to finish the interview if I buy tickets to the live event? Well, forget that, PAL! I'm Canadian F'ing Bulldog. The wrestling columnist of the year, according to Flee. And I don't take crap from ANYONE. You can take your Hurri-Powers and stick them where the sun don't shine, BEE-YOTCH! This interview is OVER!!! (Hangs up) H: Wassupwithdat?
If you know of someone that you're DYING for me to interview, drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.
Finally, I promised you people the Official ITR Ratings and The Notorious D.O.G. will deliver!!! Here we go:
WWE ERIC BISCHOV'S MONDAY NIGHT RAW Champion - Goldenberg 1. Triple HHH 2. Big Sex Killer 3. Heartbeat Kid Shawn McMichaels 4. Coach John Goodman 5. Assorted Others
WWE SMACK! DOWN JUST SHUT YOUR PAIN Title Vacant -- See 'ratings analysis' on page 35 for details 1. Kur Tangle 2. Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah 3. Charlie Horse 4. Stephoney MacMahon 5. The Retired Nathan Johns 6. Matt Hardee Version XP 7. Shannon Mohoorerty 8. Mike Morgan 9. Big Devil The Under Taker
TEAMS 1. Harvey Dee and Shawn McMichaels 2. La Guerreras 3. Deacon Batista and Ricky Flare 4. Dudley Brotherz 5. El Resistance 6. Green Bay Packers 7. Denver Broncos 8. Strike Force
MANAGERS 1. Paul Herman 2. The Returning Leeta 3. Mr. Fuji 4. Miss Jackee 5. Assorted Others
That about does it for this week. If you have things to compliment me about, any questions, suggestions, topics to debate or even if you want to make me # 1 on a certain list (that only applies to one person out there. Hint Hint.), drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
Official ratings, point/counterpoint and YOUR questions answered in the latest Inside The Ropes!!!
As far as you should trust a white guy in his thirties (who nonetheless knows how to check the wwe.com website), I am pretty sure the official spelling would be Tha Trademarc, if you want to be a nitpicker about it. Research is a lost art!