"Will you please… shut… the fuck… up?" -- Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho, 2000
Welcome, everyone, to the latest EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the recognized symbol of excellence in sports entertainment for over 50 years. We've got a ****load of things to get to this week, so let's get right to it. But, first, a quick poll:
Where Does Chris Benwah live? (A) Mudlick, Kentucky (B) Venice Beach, California (C) New Orleans, Indiana (D) Dayton, Minnesota (E) Jersey City, Colorado (F) Yes
Be sure to vote at the official Inside The Ropes website. A portion of the proceeds (zero percent) will go to the charity of your choice!!! And, here are the results of last week's poll:
Aren't I, without a doubt, the best Internet writer EVER? (A) Absolutely – 21 percent (B) Yes – 28 percent (C) All Of The Above – 50 percent
And now, onto the news…
Unless you're the biggest moron on the face of the earth, you should know by now that the WWE's latest paper-view spectacular, Backdraft, is just two weeks away. Instead of my usual EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview, I've decided to get some predictions from a Celebrity Guest Panel™!!!
I bet assclowns like Scott Keeth, Wade Kellerman and Rick Scherer only WISH they had access to a Celebrity Guest Panel™ of this caliber:
MAIN EVENT Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah Vs. Heartburn Shawn MacMichaels Vs. Triple HHH Non-Title Match · Canadian Bulldog: Who'd have ever thought that we'd see these three in the same ring, in the same match? Booking genius!!! · The Immaterial Hal Kogan: Ya know, brother, some of the people out there think that The Hulkstor can't overcome the odds, he can't defeat all of these new guys. But let me tell you somethin', brother, with the power of all my Hulk-O-Maniacs rooting me on, brother, and with the power from the good lord above, and the 24 inch pythons, and the training and saying your prayers and eatin' your vitamins. Whatcha gonna do, when the largest arms in the world, run wild on youuuuuuu? · Kamallah The Ugandan Headbanger: Aiiiiiiiiiiieeeee!
MAIN EVENT Mick "Cactus Jerk" Farley Vs. "Lund Killer" Randy Orson International Title Match · Canadian Bulldog: If I know Mark as well as I think I do, good will overcome evil. Bang Bang!!! · Rocky Maivia: Finally… The Rick… has come back… to Whatever-The-Hell-This-Column-Is-Called! The Rick Says… that the millions (and millions) and millions (and millions) and MILLIONS of The Rick's fans know that The Rick guaran-damn-tees that The Rick will come out on top. If ya smell… what The Rick… is cooking. · Mantaur: BHEEE!
MAIN EVENT Takajiri Vs. Coach Man: · Canadian Bulldog: Apparently, Eric Bischov made this match, but I would have bet it was a match made in Workrate Heaven!!! · Millionaire Man Teddy Beeassey: I love Canadian money! Hahahahahahhahaha! · Mean Jean: A lot of people are talking about a certain star up North, who is reportedly seeking 'greener pastures'. Who is he? I can't talk about it here, or anywhere else, but still, CALL ME ON THE HOTLINE, 1-900-909-9900. Kids, don't get your parent's permission at all.
MAIN EVENT The Returning Leeta vs. Queen Victoria Girls Title Match · Canadian Bulldog: BHEEE! · Billy "Red" Lions: Don’t'cha dare miss it! · Paul Burier (when asked whether this will be a great match) Ohhh Yesss! · Bill Goldenberg: If you think your ass can beat me, then ass your ass right into ass and ass me. Your ass is next! Ass. · Edwin R. Shuster: Pay your taxes, motherfucker!
Natural Boy Ricky Flare Vs. "The World's Greatest Singles Wrestler" Sheldon Benjamin Ladder Match · Canadian Bulldog: What a difference a year makes. Back then, Sheldon was going nowhere in a tag team with Charlie Horse. Today, he's the most over star in the company!!! I think Flare will win. · Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen: WHAT? · Canadian Bulldog: I said, Flare will win. · Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen: WHAT? · Canadian Bulldog: He's going over. · Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen: WHAT? · Canadian Bulldog: He's the man. · Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen: WHAT? · Canadian Bulldog: He says 'Wooo!' · Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen: WHAT? · Canadian Bulldog: Wooo! · Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen: WHAT? · Canadian Bulldog: Wooo! · Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen: WHAT? · Canadian Bulldog: Wooo! · Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen: WHAT? · Canadian Bulldog: And that's all I got tah say about that!
MAIN EVENT The Edge 102.1 FM Vs. The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain Loser Must Eat Dog Food · Canadian Bulldog: Wow, this match has something for everyone!!! The former Canadian rock star faces off against the 6"8 oversized idiot. Will this be match of the night? Bank on it!!! · Gorilla Manson: The fans will literally be hanging off the rafters here for this one! We have a capacity crowd on hand! History in the making! · Bobby 'The Brian' Heenen: Be careful, Monsoon. These people are a bunch of humanoids. They look just the Bossman's mother after eating dinner at Mama Santana's house. It's only cheating if you get caught. Illegal is a sick bird. · Gorilla Manson: WILL YOU STOP? · Bobby 'The Brian' Heenen: Aren't you supposed to be dead? · Gorilla Manson: Aw, crap.
Y J Stinger and Jazzy Vs. The Christian and Tritch Stratus Intergender Match · Mark Twain (1835-1910): "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." · Plato (427-347 B.C.): "Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." · Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965): "When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite." · John F. Kennedy (1917-1963): "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." · Canadian Bulldog (1973-2003): "Thanks for the compliment!!!" · Shawn McMichaels: BHEEE!
A quick BS update: It looks as though we've located the Total_BS who was giving us all of the problems last week. If you don't remember what I'm talking about, click here. And if you want to see what the jerk looks like, click here. Special thanks to the anonymous, highly-placed source who sent me that!!!
Meanwhile, one of my NEW totalbs's has supplied me with his weekly update:
According to Mayvin's official website (www.markhenry.com), expect him to return sometime next month. Why? Because they're really going to push the "May" part of his name! Also, because that will let him continue his feud with The Classic Old School Ordertaker before Ordertaker, who is rumored to enjoy pushing new talent like Mayvin and Good Ol' JR Ewing. SCOOP! World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Ltd. is thinking about going to PPV On-Demand. That's right, you get to choose the matches whenever you want! So if you want to see The Best Show vs. Billy The Kid-Sized Man in a Copper Man match, you just click the button and they'll drive to the arena and wrestle for you, even at 3am! On-Demand! RUMOR (also qualifies as a SCOOP!): Revolution may be getting a new member, but don't expect it to be someone you've heard of before, because the new member works in my promotion. However, stable leader Deacon Bautista is high on this guy, so expect this new member to come out in an NwO shirt, but rip that off to reveal a Smack! Down shirt instead! Swerve!
As always, please remember that this information was sent by an anonymous source, so it's likely to be 100 % accurate. If you have any tips to send me so I can claim they as my own, send them to me at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com
Say It Ain't So: Announcer Good Ol' JR Ewing has been relieved (which means FIRED!!!) of his duties as Vice President of Investor Relations, according to the official wwee website. He didn't even get fired by Bischov this time or anything! According to the press release, former Dynamic Dude Jerry Ace will take over Jim Roth's duties.
That's crazy!!! What's their next 'brilliant' move? Killer B Jumping John Brunzelle on the booking committee? Midnite Rocker Mary Janetty as President? Brooklyn Basher Steve 'Vince' Lombardi as a road agent?
Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash made his return to the spotlight this week on the Jimmy Kibbel Show. What's the big guy up to? He's going to be starring in a remake of The Punitcher next month, playing Arnold Schwazrtenheimer's old character!!!
Plus – get ready for this – he's no longer part of World Wrestling Federatinment Corp. Inc. Ltd.!!! When did THIS happen? He ended the interview by injuring his shoulder on Jimmy's couch.
Get ready to put your hands together, and clap like its going out of style: Grandmaster Sexy (real name: Brian Clark) has signed a new contract with WWE!!!
I heard through the grapevine that Vince MacMahon plans to steal ANOTHER one of WCW's excellent ideas!!! That's right; this winter they're planning on using 'The Great American Beach' as a PPV name, which I'm guessing WCW had copyrighted. I'm no lawyer (despite what many of you may think), but I am convinced that Shane O' Max has an excellent case if he ever decides to "take 'em to court".
Current booking plans are for Eddie Guerrera to face America's Cup winner Justin 'Mr. JL' Breadshaw at the next Smack! Down-only PPV. I just have only one thing to say about this development:
This may be the best move the company has EVER made. EVER!!! I mean, how many times was Jim Roth going to refer to Breadshaw as a 'horse' in his weekly Roth Report before the guy finally got his opportunity? I can't imagine I'm the only one who hopes, no, prays, that 'Latin Heat' loses his crown!
Finally, for a little bit of T and A, Q and A, let's move on down to
The Dog Pound
Q: How do you do all those big wrestling moves? A: I can't tell you how many times I've been stopped by fans at airports, restaurants, autograph sessions, NAMBLA meetings, etc., and been asked about this. So without further ado, here is a quick list to show you "how the pros do it":
How To Execute
Stunned Cold Stoner
Push neck behind hand; jump
5-Star Frog Splotch
Leap high and then steal stuff
Figure Eight Leg Hold
Wrap guy around knees; sit back, sweat, and shout
Ray Mister Eeyo
Terry "Bam Bam" Bigelou
Greetings from New Jersey
Stop, drop, roll
Brad "Hatman" Hurt
Be screwed by Vince MacMahon in Montreal
Pedigree To Orton
Push neck behind groin; jump
Tombstone Pizza Driver
Put over shoulders; drop on head
The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain
Throw neck in air
Little Red Rooster
Rooster Driver '91
Push neck behind foot; jump
The Monkey Shot
The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor
Take Your Ball And Go Home
Run like hell, because you're a coward
Flip opponent repeatedly until nautious
Horse Of Pain
Don't Try This At Home!!!
Bad, Bad "Bad News" Leroy Brown
Ghetto Blaster with AM/FM Receiver and Cassette
Justin 'Mr. JL' Breadshaw
Flight Clothesline From Hell
Rape new recruits in shower
Push neck behind hand; jump; then steal stuff
That about does it for this week. Remember, if you have any news, tips, news or tips, don't hesitate to drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com (seriously, people, would it be that hard to send me just ONE lousy e-mail?). Until next time, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside the ropes.
It's the only place where you can read the original draft of this which ended with this exchange: JC: Man, they ARE stealing my gimmick. I should sue. BL: John Cena, you should sue, John Cena! Do you know a good lawyer, John Cena? JC: