"Grab Them Cakes! Woof Woof!" -- Junk Yard Doug, 1986
Welcome, everyone, to the latest edition of Inside The Ropes, where we take all the time in the world to explain you the real goings-on in the madcap, mixed-up and mostly misleading world of professional wrestling.
…except for this week. You see, I'm typing this column whilst sitting on an airplane en route to the city of Edmington, Al Berta, home to wrestling superstars such as Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah and Scott Keeth.
Why am I headed there you ask? Long story short, a certain Undisputed WWE Raw World Heavyweight Champion Of The World who shall remain nameless (okay, it was Benwah; not Keeth) decided NOT to respond to my e-mail congratulating him on winning the big one after sucking for so long. Needless to say, I'm coming here to teach him some R-E-S-P-E-K-T, Bulldog Style. Boo ya!!!
What? He moved to Atlanta? Aw, crap…
Anyways, because of my travel schedule this week, I'm limited in delivering the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED reporting you people ask, nay, demand of me. So just when I was about to "throw in the towel", "call it quits" and "pull a Brock" this week, my top source email@example.com came through for me.
Now, usually, totalbs is full of it (great news!) but this week he outdid himself. He sent me a whole bunch of news items taken from the top underground newsletter in the business, The Weekly Wrestling Figure-Four Lariat Torch Observer!!! I had never heard of it, but apparently this week's JUMBO-SIZED issue is the size of a SMALL BOOK!!! And, the EXCLUSIVE VIP MEMBERSHIP gets you access to things that other wrestling fans could only dream of (like girlfriends. LOL!!!).
So, here without further ado, are some of the latest happenings:
· Who was the real loser of this week's 'Lethal Lottery Draft'? None other than Paul Herman, the former co-commissioner of Smack! Down. No one told him that he would be drafted to Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, so when his name was randomly drawn by Bischov and then he quit, that legally counted as his notice of termination!!! Look for Herman to start feuding with Vince Rousseau in NWA T and A soon.
· So who will be the new CEO of Smack! Down? This choice may surprise a few, but it will none other than former bodybuilding champion a Train!!! But fans needn't worry about his rough and hairy tactics, as he will be reverting back to his fun-loving Hip Hop Hungry Hungry Hippo persona.
· World Life, Yo: Rapmaster John Ceno is adding a new dimension to his gimmick. From now on, every time he says "You can't see me", he will disappear into thin air!!! His new finisher will be called the 'Invisible Man Slam'.
· You won't believe this one: Movie industry website Isn't It Cool? News is reporting that Triple HHH has turned into a vampire!!! Now, all the other monsters (probably led by that no-good whiny baby Frankenstein) are complaining that he's holding them down!!! And 'The Criminal Assassin' is also going to win The Undisputed Monster Title!!! And hold onto it forever!!! And the other monsters don't know how to work "main event style". And "H" is telling people that there's no such problem!!! It's just a bunch of 12-year-olds playing around on their parents computers!!!
· Speaking of the draft (a few paragraphs ago. Remember?), it turns out "the boys in the back" weren't "pleased" that Vince MacMahon "held back" the "results" of the draft from "them".
· Uh… and then "the boys" had a "rib" on top of the "glass ceiling"… and, uh... "Workrate"… "Scherer".
· Is former Hall of Famer Barbie "The Brian" Heenan headed back to the ring? Bank on it!!! Heenan will begin managing the careers of Los Resistance members Sylvain Grenouille and Tim Conway, only to be removed from the ringside area by the referee each time they're about to go to a commercial break.
· Speaking of the adorable Frenchmen, Los Resistance will split into two groups: Conway and Grenouille will be known as Los Resistance Wolfpac, while Robbie Dupree and Fifi The French Bitch will be known as Los Resistance Black and White. When you`re Los Resistance, you're Los Resistance.. pour la vie. And it's just.. trop… douuuuuuuuux!
· World Wrestling Federtainment has agreed to amicably part ways with Richard Simmons, the sports entertainer best known as Farook Assad. Apparently, Simmons amicably got into a backstage fight with The Best Show which amicably upset management. For those of you too dumb to remember Simmons, here's a quick biography:
The 1960's – He starts wrestling 1989 – Forms a tag team called The Legion Of Doom with life partner Butch "The Natural" Reid. 1993 – Becomes the first ever WCW World Heavyweight Champion, unseating The Man They Used To Call Vadar. 1996 – Jumps ship to the WWF, managed by Sonny, wearing a traditional Roman Emperor outfit. The 1970's – Plays professional college football as a teammate of Good Old JR Ewing. 1998 – Forms The Nation Of Co-Operation, a group of racists, along with Savio Vegas, Crunch, Clarence Madison, D-Von Brown, T.D. Long, Rodney Max and Breadshaw. 2002 – Comes up with patented catchphrase "Dang!" 2004 – Gets fired.
· Guess who's pregnant? None other than Spike "TV" Dudley!!!
· Sources say The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor is working harder than ever at improving his reputation backstage. "It's incredible," said one worker, who practically got down on his knees and begged for anonymity. "You'd hardly know the guy is there anymore. Someone must have talked some sense into him; probably a locker room leader like The Ordertaker. It's funny, because the same thing happened with Goldenberg. And Zak Gowan. And Hercules."
· Speaking of The Mighty One, road agents have told Hercules Fernandez to tone down his ring style a bit because of his recent death.
· Get this: It turns out that pro wrestling… is fake? Yeah, right! Who came up with that poppycock? Did Russo write that crap? Okay, yeah, sure it's "fake." What-ever.
· Speaking of The Classic Ordertaker (a few sentences ago; get with the program PEOPLE!!!), it appears that he was the one who pressured WWE to hire back his old manager Paul Burier for Wrestle Mania XXX: Where Everything Old Is New Again™. It was for one night only, however, and Burier was paid in Twinkies.
· "Lund Killer" Randy Orson was taken off the house show schedule this weekend because he's a jerk.
· Here are some excerpts from the latest Weekly Wrestling Figure-Four Lariat Torch Observer Interview with ECW legend Steve Corina (Part 8):
WWFFLTO: During our last chat excerpt, we focused mainly on your disgustingly-scarred forehead. Let's talk about the wrestling business this week. SC: Sure. WWFFLTO: In your opinion, who was the better boss to work for: MacMahon or Bischov? SC: Well, I never worked for either of them. WWFFLTO: Really? SC: Yeah. I mean I worked TV tapings for MacMahon a few times, but that was it. So I can't really compare the two. WWFFLTO: Really? SC: Yes! WWFFLTO: Why the hell are we doing an eight-part interview with you, then? SC: You said that Juventud Guerrero was passed out when you called him. WWFFLTO: Right, right. Well, thank you for your time, Shawn. SC: It's Steve! And how can you end the interview so soon? You guys still have two whole pages to fill. WWFFLTO: Oh, it's no problem. We can just reprint some old Mojo Mitchell column where he refers to Rick Flair as 'Old Man' and Misty Hyatt as 'Tits'. SC: Really? WWFFLTO: Sure. We do it all the time. We also can
make the typeface look really big so that no one will notice
SC: But… don't you want to hear about my wild adventures in the exciting world of indy wrestling? WWFFLTO: Not really. SC: How about this: I bounced some cheques last week. And I shot a man! WWFFLTO: Look, we have to get going now. It's past our bedtime… SC: Come on! Let me at least plug my next match. I'm going to wrestling El Gigante at the Milton, Ontario Golf and Country Club this weekend. I'll even chop up my forehead again. I promise!!! WWFFLTO:
GOODBYE, SHAWN. THANKS FOR YOUR TIME.
SC: That was worse than the time Canadian Bulldog interviewed me.
· Upcoming DVD releases include Bloodbath 2: Shawn McMichaels's greatest bladejobs over the past two months; The Rise And Fall Of The AWA Because It Sucked Big Time And Vince MacMahon Is A Creative Genius; The Rise And Fall Of The WBF, Not Because It Wasn't A Good Idea, But Because The Federal Government FORCED It To Fail; Los Resistance: Sacre Bleu!; RF Video Shoot Interview with Rob Finestein; and From The Vault: The Best of Mantaur.
· Is there bad blood between Deacon Bautista and The Christian because of a recent Backstage Incident? No, not at all.
· The following is a list of wrestlers who are 'on the juice': Kur Tangle, Homosexual Mark Chocolate, The World's Best Goddam Tag Team, Rocky Maivia, Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen, Hurricane Helmsley, Super Rosie (and it shows!), Gay Kim, Tritch Stratus, Michael Coal and Bash 'Em Brother # 2. The following wrestlers used to be 'on the juice': Triple HHH and Big Papa Scott Steiner. Both of them now prefer milk.
· In a related story, The Best Show and Rikishi Phatu And Your Mother Too are both 'on the gas' (they had Taco Bell last night) and Rod Van Damme is 'on the grass' (he smokes marijuana).
· Finally, backstage sources who asked to remain anonymous (P.S. – thanks again for the tip, Suckaaaaaa!) are saying that they are furious that The Heart Burn Kid is going to be getting a title shot at Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah at Backdraft, which will be held soon in… OMG!!! Edmington, Al Berta!!! WHAT ARE THE ODDS? Let's just check my travel schedule to make sure that I'm around and… aw, crap. I'm going to be in Hot Lanta that day.
That about does it for this week. I'll be back next week with, as Jim Roth often puts it, more news than you can shake a pet coon at in a slobberknocker factory. Until next time, remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
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